You have a solid plot going. You need to buckle down and refine your writing. Stick to one tense and you will improve rapidly. Proper grammar is a must, and make sure you Show Don't Tell.

Max was on his way to prison and sat handcuffed on the back of a bus. They sentenced him to ten years, ten years, and for what? A little armed robbery? He turned his head and stared out the window. This would be the last time he saw the streets of Tampa before they locked him away. He trained his eyes on the cars that sped by his reflection, they mirrored his own high speed escape hours before they locked his wrist in these cuffs. The bus approached the off ramp, then his eyes widened, every moment, even the one that led up to his last, replayed Infront of him. [ This an example of characterization, revealing the scene as the story unfolds, don't info dumb, spread it out and weave it through the narrative. Most importantly stay in past tense. You will notice I introduced the character asap. That was to set the tone for the sentence structure. Remember show, don't tell.]

Make sure you set the scene first, before you begin detailing the environment. If you don't, you run the risk of over detailing, to the point where the scene gets lost. This causes you to try to describe too many things at once, which creates confusion.

Good catch, was a place-holder word.

Not formally. Just show the aspects of the story without telling me. Like if a character has a cold personality. Dont tell me he has one. Show it to me. Make him say something, or do something, perhaps he ignores things other people would be inclined to pay attention to. If the character has weird armor on, show that it is weird, instead of saying that it is. Things like. Its like this. Sara walked into the room and was angry vs Sara walked into the room and kicked over a chair. The second example is showing, the first is telling emotion.

Be careful with your writing. Most of the grammatical errors and writing flaws you have in your story. Is due to the switching back and forth between first person and third person, sometimes even second person. Choose one narrative focus, like third person and write the story from there.

Try more showing and less telling when you describe your characters. Xy's demeanor was stoic. He had a face that mimicked winters frigid embrace. His frozen stare became offset by his fiery coat, that looked of many red roses painted over a beautiful set of armor. The armor was unusual for this arid world, it bore resemblance to a traditional kimono; short sleeves covered the arms, and the legs were...etc

The story seems well thought out. However, you are writing in the past and present tense. This creates a feeling of confusion when reading, making it hard to follow along with the story. I would suggest choosing one, preferably past tense and telling the story from there. This is crucial for stories with unique ideas, and power systems. As one could get lost pretty easily.