Bro I don’t comment much but you gotta get yourself a beta or something this story because I think the plot is genuinely interesting and you’re trying something but this dialogue is not it. I recommend taking you time more writing to make this a more enriching story.

Man you really had a solid basis for this story but it seems to me like you didn’t want to dip your feet into anything deep in fear of mistakes. You really had a solid basis for you story but just didn’t wanna go the mileage it seems.