Scinian
A random dude who's addicted to reading. I draw sometimes and I enjoy watching anime.
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Way to go! Certainly attracting unwanted attention is the first step to being safe. *sarcasm*
I would really appreciate if the author explained the events that led to Quinn being enrolled in a military school where technologies that are allegedly hidden from the public is being used and developed. It seems to me like a completely ordinary boy from a random school was suddenly enrolled in a prestigious institution without tests to see if the boy is eligible. I thought Quinn was enrolled to a prestigious school, but seeing as none of his school mates was fetched by the bus, I really doubt the system behind this "Military School."
Is it safe to show this to kids?
I am impressed that you remembered that. Apparently, Quinn's bladder have dementia.
What a bad soldier. Soldiers usually have protocols to avoid causing harm to civilians. Their training involves drilling these protocols to their bone. Unless it's an order from the government...or from fiction.
This boy is kind of slow. You don't just check your system in public unless you want to announce it to the whole world and successfully become a lab rat.
Not so different from the humans then.
Wh-what? Just like that he downed two liters of water?! What no! This is physically impossible unless he's trying to torture himself by drinking water to the point of bursting.
The Protagonist's ability book, of course!
Second-hand embarrassment •-•
The amount of mental stability this boy have had exceeded even a standard military man. Usually, one would be wary or have suspicion of insanity before trying to interact with a system that emerged out of nowhere. But... it's fiction so *shrugs*
I wear glasses and this hurts more than being slapped by the end of a broom.
This is me ages ago. The trick is: people will hate you if you hate yourself. So..I know this sounds cringey, but you have to learn how to love yourself. I learned it through hardwork and I have friends now and is fairly successful. Why am I talking about this? No reason. Continue reading.
I know you're probably gonna hate me. But I found out that the most effective way to educate new writers is to be blunt to them. Okay here goes...it was bad. The premise is there, but it was just bad. To be fair, I'm going to post the good qualities and the bad qualities. Good Qualities: 1. The story utilizes a popular cliche of being isekai'd into a game. Added the fact that it was also a samurai-inspired game adds beauty and novelty to the story. 2. The story is straight-forward. It jumps right into the action which I like because sometimes reading about long-ass info dumps bore me to death. So far that's the only good thing I see. Now on to the stuff that needs improvement. 1. Grammar - It became increasingly evident to me that English is not your native language. Your capitalization, spelling, sentence structure reminds me of my writing when I was in first grade. I'm sorry but you have to hear the truth. Don't be discouraged though! Here's what you should do: 1. Read English Grammar books. I know it's boring but it's necessary. 2. Read well-written books. Grammar books bore me to death, I learned everything about English from well-writted novels. 3. If you have the resources you can try hiring a private tutor/an English teacher. 4. CONTINUE WRITING. Your writing is bad but so what? Writing is a skill so if you keep on writing it will eventually improve over time. 2. Pacing - Aah~ I was so confused reading this, to be honest. One second, Yuji was doing this, then suddenly Yuji was doing that. I have not even processed Yuji's character when BOOM! Aoi is suddenly here. Pacing your story is very important if you want to keep readership. How to improve pacing? Read novels (again) and observe how each authors pace their stories. 3. Dialogues - all types of dialogues should be enclosed in a dialogue tag! This is a dialogue tag: "" Dialogue tags help readers identify whether or not a character is speaking. Now why didn't I include this in [Punctuation]? This is because your dialogues are also horrible. Aoi is like: "I am an AI girl who'll help you dominate this entire world!" And Yuji is like "Yes, okay." ... What is up with that?! Real people do no talk like that! What you should do? Observe how real people talk in real life. I know, I know. 3D beings are horrible but deal with it :/ 4. Punctuation - What are punctuations? They are: [?.!,...] These punctuations help in separating and distinguishing sentences. How to improve upon them? Study grammar (ergo follow my advice on item number 1.) 5. Update time - I am a college student majoring on Literature and Creative Writing so I am more adept on traditionally published books. However, Webnovels are always my guilty pleasure so here goes: do you notice that most successful novels in this platform updates 7-16 chapter per week? I know. Crazy! That's an awful fucking lot. So you have to take what they do and increase your update time. Why? Because Webnovel algorithm doesn't notice novels with slow updates thus, less readers. If you want to increase readership then UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE! owo. ====================== That's all for today. You can take it with a grain of salt if this is just a practice novel. But if you're really looking forward to making it big then please consider my suggestions. I HOPE TO SEE YOU SOMEDAY AS A SUCCESSFUL AUTHOR! MORE POWER TO YOU! KEEP WRITING!