Bornbill
Lv11
old
2018-09-24 JoinedAustralia
17.3h
of reading
11
Read books
Badges
7Moments
108
Bornbill2yrReplied to SlackrCh 198 Spoils of War- Bornbill2yrCommented
The end of the sentence “familiar telltail signs”
As they approached their techniques became visible and although it was a blur at this distance they had the telltale signs which I was familiar. - Bornbill2yrCommented
First word should be “They”?
"The infest the city," she said as she unravelled her cloak. It was waterproof to an extent all my clothes within were almost dry. But she still smashed up a few planks and started a fire. "The fire will bring them. Be ready." - Bornbill2yrCommented
Last sentence , change “not weild” to “to weild”
"We were happy, but we were ignorant of qi. It was everywhere, we were rich with it, and we were carefree. With lived with it and it guided us, but we did not use techniques not wield its power." - Bornbill2yrCommented
Change “sword “ to “sworn”?
Her eyes were not one purple, but a speckled collage of several hues. They were large and round and if I didn't know she was ancient I would have sword she was eighteen. Her cerulean blue skin was without blemish and her lips were the same colour just a darker hue. The whites of her eyes and teeth were the only aspect which wasn't alien. Even her shocking white hair was far to white to be human. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Change “Go pointed” to “She pointed”?
"It is a test of strength and determination to pass through." Go pointed. "Go. I will watch." Her voice was low in volume, but it had a hard edge to it. Her husky tones cut through the air and I could hear her well despite being softly spoken. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Insert “only,” after “appearances”
"Maybe," he said. "But will you serve me? You can stay with your guild but that would be for appearances you would be one of us." - Bornbill2yrCommented
“Gunk” or “Gunt”
I was hopeful I could ditch the name Gunk and choose another if I joined with the black cloaks. It was not a good reason – a good reason was receiving training from Shade - whatever race she was - if that what was on offer and reaching my goal of getting the Chancellors secrets before ending him. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Last sentence is a bit weird!
There was another important thing of note, there was a land core withing what looked like an altar covered in pictographs. The carvings were unlike Egyptian and I wasn't sure was early Chinese writing looked like. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Change “withing” to “within”
There was another important thing of note, there was a land core withing what looked like an altar covered in pictographs. The carvings were unlike Egyptian and I wasn't sure was early Chinese writing looked like. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Lasr sentence, change “waster” to “waste”
By the time I reached the café the sun had set. I went directly upstairs and waited for the old man. The highly competent staff eyed me suspiciously but this time they gave me a much better seat in the corner. The door lady was a talented qi user, and it seemed a waster of her talent to act as a matron even if it was a fancy café. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Should read “Her smile was genuine….”
Her smile genuine this time because it reached her eyes. The compliment was true, I just left out the part that she was also a self-centred, narcissistic bitch. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Change it to “I handed it to her and….”
I handed her to the and moved to leave. - Bornbill2yrCommented
What is “thotness” ?
The old man had slipped a note under my door inviting me to dinner at the money changers café. My only problem was her royal thotness wanted to me to show her everything I knew, which was not going to happen, but it would be hard to make a reasonable excuse to leave if she kept me. - Bornbill2yrCommented
“an accomplished” is it a level of skill or should “an” be deleted?
She ran to me and lifted my hand. "We have a winner." She was taller than me and an accomplished with the sword herself. She gave me a sidelong glance and whispered, "Come to my office later - I want you to teach me how you did that." - Bornbill2yrCommented
Something to fix in this sentence
She held a red handkerchief high in the air while stand far too close to the centre. - Bornbill2yrCommented
Two “Gunks” in this paragraph
I had my trusty rapier in my hand. It was my favourite of the four swords I owned because it was fast and nimble. Gunk's lump was weak, and the finesse weapon suited the qi strike I'd learned from Peppin. As the forest monster I had natural strength and speed to burn but as Gunk I had to rely on my qi skills. - Bornbill2yrCommented
“Gunk”
She peered at me. "Make a challenge Gunk. Pick one." - Bornbill2yrCommented
“Gunk” Again, is it a new nickname ?
She looked to Cerbrus who nodded. "Ismei, I think we should re-evaluate Gunk."