Under80

Deadwood Gu An

Great chap!

Ichi the Killer is a quality manga!

Gz on a 100!

A great natural moment!

That was great!

It's a fun story, thanks for writing!

What a fun idea, Sunset crew a nice name too![img=recommend]

Immersion is being in the moment with the story, What is happening right now, and what are the characters feeling, It's about having a picture/movie of the moment in your imagination. What helps with this is Knowing how the characters look, knowing how the setting looks(the buildings, the surroundings in general), and character interaction. In this case, the women were talking and joking but without warning it goes to a big memory retelling. Your imagined story (the movie in your head) is broken. During this, the reader will get detached from the present of the story and has no reason to really care about the memory world. I have not read anything past this point of the story, Maybe this part could be removed if you think it's a mistake. Is there anything crucial in this memory arc? there are some good battle scenes in the memory but they are told at the wrong place, you can write these in the present war or way shorter telling of exploits by the friend in this interaction. mention the important information shortly like the rewards she got if they are important in the interaction and it'll likely connect well with the story you wrote after. good luck have fun.