Hawkgan
I’m a person... or am I?
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Hawkgan11mthCommentedCh 1230 Similarity with the System- Hawkgan1yrCommented
For fight scenes I recommend using words like flank, parry, etc since it gives a clear mental image for those tasks. I think you have done a pretty good job of giving the reader special awareness. Another tip you could possibly do is during fights occasionally have a super short sentence for a task that happens way faster than other things in the fight. For instance you could have “Bang. Ben turned around to see Keira’s shirt slowly dye red”
Ch 1 Ch 19 Circuses Suck - Hawkgan1yrCommentedCh 1214 Three Gods
- Hawkgan2yrCommented
…
"Hm?... OH SH*T! IT'S HER!" Someone suddenly shouted as a silver ass plate appeared on almost everyone's asses. For those who didn't have an ass plate, they rushed forwards towards Helion as they wanted to get protection as quick as possible. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
When she’s actually under a month old…
[Sure. I'm 13.] - Hawkgan2yrCommented
“Nothing major” = broke all her bones in all locations on that arm
[I got injured in a Dungeon. It'll take a few days to heal. Nothing major.] - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Infront-> in front Just minor typos
Ben stepped infront of her with an amiable expression. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
They’re -> their
Two of the thugs started walking toward her while cracking they're knuckles, while she slowly backed away. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Excellent, the bandages are back
Both his hands and face were wrapped in bandages, only revealing the emerald green eyes of this strange individual. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Oof
He looked at the course he had spent so much effort building, but was now falling apart and sighed sadly. He picked up all his tools and made his way to the RV. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
When you work for free out of curiosity
Thus, with one person gambling free labor and the other wanting to settle a debt, these two young men faced off under the watchful eye of another who was only present out of curiosity. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Gotta nab those deals
"Jay, what's the matter, aren't you going to try to break through again? I'll help you this time, we must hurry before it's too late!" Vildan said, impatiently. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Superhero landing
Thokk was spat out inside an evolution chamber, his pod splitting open and sending him hurtling down from the ceiling in a shower of liquid. He spun in the air and righted himself, landing on a knee as he shook liquid off himself. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Significant time = 2 days And thats bound to only get faster as he gets stronger
It would take two days before the Collector could use the core again, though this, the Collector had predicted and formulated a plan against. Its biomass level was full, so all it had to do now was evolve once more. - Hawkgan2yrCommented
Gonna have to wait until the next evolution i suppose.
The heart in its lower stomach, that of the Jotnar core, sizzled with smoke, and the Collector could feel that the core was completely dysfunctional. No regular regeneration would restore it.