MyNameBee
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MyNameBee1dCommentedyeah I do a little foreshadowing
Dark, almost black, chains of thousands of wrinkled, dried-out seals connected to the active Cursed Seals. The miniature seals formed a chain that covered Michael's entire body. It almost looked like Michael was the one sealed rather than the Curse he contained.- MyNameBee1dCommented
first time in battle ig
"A Glacier Golem. That's not too bad," Kaleb murmured. He was slightly drained from using Elemental Summon for the first time since he'd obtained it from Michael, but the effect was better than expected. - MyNameBee15dCommented
fist of flowing water crushing rock
Now water can flow or it can crash. - MyNameBee26dCommented
how long till she gets the slave bracelet off
Since Solus kept sleeping, Lith used that time to call Wanemyre and Marth to make up for his blunder. They were happy to hear from him and wished him a good winter break. - MyNameBee1mthReplied to Magecrafter
yet it took 3 chapters to go from a normal personality to a 12 year olds oc
"You deserve death, but that would be a waste. You'll be way more useful alive." The masked man continued as he advanced further. - MyNameBee1mthCommented
alright I officially have to drop this, I tired so hard to get through to see if it actually got better. another 'grey' Gary sue story that can't kill a person
"You deserve death, but that would be a waste. You'll be way more useful alive." The masked man continued as he advanced further. - MyNameBee1mthCommentedCh 57 The Deal Made [Pt 2]
- MyNameBee1mthCommentedCh 699 At Peace
- MyNameBee5mthCommented
of course
Legendary Cripple - MyNameBee6mthCommented
better, having 2 thoughts in a single instance of dialog works when it's broken up like this
"Haa~ I just hope that it won't kill me…" After saying this, he changed the topic. "Is there still no delivery of corpses for Mr. Heinz?" Kyle asked since the delivery of corpses rarely happens and he had already instructed Denise to inform him if there was any news. - MyNameBee7mthReplied to MatchaBoba
there's a difference between being out for yourself and being a Gary sue
Hmm... If there were benefits, he could consider doing it though. - MyNameBee7mthCommented
what is with this? you're having a character say something, then say something again as if they are responding to something someone else said
"I only made three strands. Alright, teach me how to make the magic zone." Kyle calmly replied as he observed the young girl in front of him. - MyNameBee7mthCommented
@author : I think you're doing pretty good so far, but this dialog here sounds...bad to say the least. You should read this out loud to someone else. it doesn't sound natural and it doesn't read as natural speech. it's much better to separate the thoughts with some sort of break. after " nice to meet you" you could have had her speak, and then say " let's forget about.."
"I'm Kyle Marshall. Mr. Heinz just accepted me as his student a while ago… It's nice to meet you, Denise. Let's forget about the matter before. As you said, I just fell asleep." - MyNameBee7mthCommented
courting death counter: 1
If he was caught eavesdropping, that would just be courting death. - MyNameBee7mthCommented
I'm so tired of this Chinese mentality, its forcing me to go write my own LN just to get a protagonist that's not "OHOHO I KNOW EVERYTHING, AM PERFECT, AND WILL NEVER SUFFER ANYTHING"
Hmm... If there were benefits, he could consider doing it though.