Purpleflys

Hahahaha, Bogan race no way! Come to Australia, you can see some real life bogans here! hahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣

This author... This author is not a musician. Can someone please explain what 50% melody is? And playing accurately is a given for a musician. It isn't about how many mistakes are made but rather how close to the composer's intent for the piece you get Also, how do a drum player and a flute player play the same music? Unless they are playing parts, but the chapter doesn't read like that Aaagh! This chapter really infuriated me! Okay, rant over now, thanks for reading.

I think this kind of diolouge setup is fine for the kind of scenario you have described. The way times you have used it so far like this haven't had much issue as far as pacing for action. Short , sharp, spicy, give us the gist and gets into the action. For a fast paced novel that is what readers will expect. Just don't forget that you don't have to stick to one style of dialogue, this style also has its weaknesses. Particularly when developing side characters, dialogue and gestures are what give us as readers the impression that they are real people and not just props or foils for the MC. Using a different dialogue style when developing other characters might be worth looking into if that is something you are hoping to prioritise in your novel.

I wouldn't really say it 'bother's' me (I wouldn't still be reading if it was that annoying😆) more that it was just something I noticed made the fourth wall appear a bit more than it would otherwise. Generally, you seem to start the part after a long explanation with a question (eg: 'What do you mean?') which makes it hard to get a fix on the context. Compared to if you had restarted with an answer, where I would be better positioned to remember the context of the conversation, or at least come in at a halfway point I could respond to. Haha you're right, showing not telling is the number one issue I come across. Makes it doubly hard when you have a hard-worldbuilding style such as yours where readers become accustomed to, and even expect, to be told what to think after a while. All this is just improving on an already decent work. Your exploration and description of the world is detailed and interesting, your setting is appropriate, though at times cliché and your storyline is engaging and fun. The only other area I hope to see developed in the future are the greater links to theme. Such as developing the idea of 'Who am I?' and 'What does it mean to be a person?' beyond just the physical ideas of a virtual or non virtual reality, or maybe a deeper look into how trauma shapes characters and societies. Keep up the good work! looking forward to the next chapter already 😃

haha, pressed add accidentally 😅 as I was saying it would improve your dialogue overall to not have large break between dialogue.Perhaps add the explanation before you begin the dialogue. Or, even better, show the change of setting rather than tell it.

May I make a suggestion? Quite often you split your conversations. You start with someone saying something then pause and give an explanation of setting or thoughts or background info, and then come back and finish the conversation. This isn't a big issue if the explanation is within a sentence or two. The problem is that you often write paragraphs between the start of the conversation and the continuation. This makes it hard to remember what the characters are talking about and breaks the flow of the story. The reader has to go back, find the start of the conversation and reread it to work out what they are talking about. It's just a small thing, but it would improve your dialogue overall.

Good chapter! Thanks for the story so far 😄

I'm confused, how did she get from the classroom to a random pool all of a sudden?

This paragraph doesn't actually explicitly refer to a specific gender when mentioning discrimination. It is definitely referring to the inheritance issue. Which could point towards female discrimination, however the paragraph prior does also explicitly point out that this is due to her father dying on the battlefield. So, yeah, I guess you have a point that sexism is also towards the guys here. But you can't deny that it is towards women as well. Guess nobody gets a perfect hand, even 10,000 years in the future...

Hi, you have a really interesting idea for a story here but it is quite difficult to read and understand. if you are looking to improve upon your writing style I have some tips, feel free to read or ignore as you see fit. Strengths: 1. There is a good amount of story progress and content for one chapter 2. The progression of events is logical 3. The narrative perspective is consistent To Improve: 1. Write each idea in a separate sentence. You only have five sentences in this whole chapter with each sentence containing multiple 'and' conjunctions. Having so many different ideas in such a small piece of writing is confusing and overwhelming for readers. 2. Include more detail. To make it easier for readers to process, remember and understand the story you need to write with as much detail as possible. Just listing circumstances isn't enough, you need to explain how and why things are the way they are as you introduce new information. 3. Include descriptions. At the moment most of your writing is simply explaining the story and it's progression. But this doesn't make the story world feel real enough to grab your readers attention. Describe the setting and the way your characters look and feel. Perhaps you can include omniscience in your writing and describe the emotions they experience or what they think. One final point to take away. The best authors don't give information away for free, they make their readers work for it. Instead of telling the reader her name is Amy, have another character call her that in dialogue. Instead of telling us her mother is dead, begin the book with her standing in front of her mother's tomb or speaking to her spirit. Make the reader piece together hints you give to create their own version of the world you are creating Exploring new worlds and uncovering information from little clues the author leaves is what makes reading exciting!