Wish We Forget

Haley's POV: 

You never expect betrayal from an enemy but from those closest to you. "I can't f**king believe you! You betrayed the one thing that meant so much to me- and that was my trust. You knew exactly how much that meant to me." I heard the lying pity come from her fake laugh, & I will admit it stung my heart. 

Whoever in the hell said demons are a girl's best friend, never saw the true pain they can cause. I thought I could trust her, but she played the role of a friend. A friend I thought I could trust, but in the end, I still ended up getting burned. 

Two months ago: 

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

Have you ever had that fantasy where you wonder what it would be like to live in her shoes? Or daydream about the life of a princess, and wonder how they do it? Or even what would happen if genies and fairy godmothers would be like if they were real? If so, I'm in the same wave. I dream about that almost every day. I always hoped that it would happen. Just so we could escape to a new reality that doesn't have any pain or death. 

In our reality, it's filled with cruel and sadistic minds. Between bloodshed, a corrupt government, and a country waiting to fall. We find solace in the little things that make us happy. Now there is a lot we wish for, in a more comical matter, for example, "I wish to win the lotto." or I want a million dollars and a mansion.

It's a one-in-a-lifetime chance, but oh how we wish so badly for that to happen to give us a little peace in a debt we call life. We all are in debt, in our way, i still want to pay my dad back for giving me money for a concert. And I still want to pay back an ex-friend of mine for helping me at my worst with my hair. 

It was the first major wave of depression I had. When I was in high school, granted I stuck to the shadows. I kept my earbuds in and tried my best to get by. But it was the first year COVID hit- 2020. That year was hell for all of us. I just started E-learning, and school was let out till further notice. And i didn't fully graduate till July 17. When I walked across the stage, I never expected to make it to graduation. I almost didn't pass on a CORE40. 

But looking back, I regret nothing. I made my dad proud and that was the greatest feeling but also the greatest words I'd ever hear him say. I do hope my mum is proud of me though. She passed away from cancer. Our relationship was a bit rocky, to say the least. 

Back in January, I made a wishlist and completely forgot about it. Well till now that is, it is normal, we all have things we want to get rid of, and I want to get rid of my flaws. I have a lazy eye because of eye surgery- it's a long story. I have what's called coat disease and so we had to remove scar tissue. I also have ADHD, anxiety, depression, and vitiligo, which are spots on my arms that are the result of loss of pigmentation in the skin. 

I always got made fun of because of it. And I now burn even easier in the sunlight. It hurts a bit more if I get sunburnt through. There are more materialistic things though, like shoes, clothes, and bras, but I do need more bras and panties. After a while, it's just wear and tear. 

There are a few non-materialistic things I want, it may sound stupid, but I hate myself, I hate my body and how it is, I've tried every trick in the book and nothing has worked. I want to have a size 13 body again. This way I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny. I'm just AVERAGE. 

Maybe a glow up too. Other than that my life is pretty okay, it's good overall, from my position of what may be called blindness in the shadows. Or love blind if you will. I have decent health, I'm not injured or in any chronic pain. I have a roof over my head, got both legs, and all ten fingers and toes. 

I can say that I have it good, but now I will not say it's perfect, we all have our flaws and broken pieces. But even on our gloomy days, things will be okay. The reason why is that the sun will shine twice as bright the next day.

Writing is one of my passions that I love, it always drew me in from the moment I picked up a book, i first started writing in the 7th grade and I finished it about 6 or 8 months ago. 

I plan to revamp it one day because it requires help. It is cringey & has horrible grammatical errors. And so many other problems. I forgot that it needs an updated plot. 

My story is unique, just like others, we have our story to tell, even though others try to read the chapters. Over the years I've made journal intakes and honestly, it has helped me out a lot. As time goes on, so does life. People change in the blink of an eye. As history says with the metaphors of literature- they say things aren't black and white, the question is can we picture everything as a wonderful color? Like a splash of colors in a painting that defines the beauty in pain? 

Damage can be caused by the slightest of things. Trauma, physical wounds, PTSD, mental abuse. Or even childhood memories, even without us knowing till later in our life. In this world, there is good and evil- light and dark, pain and beauty. But also the royalty of pain and suffering. Some say we can be warriors with the strongest scars. But how much longer can we hold on to it? How much longer can we stay strong with a disguise of happiness?

These past few years, I can say that I have grown as a writer. But there is always more to learn. That's why I decided to travel across the globe, hoping to find more with a journey of finding myself and hopefully finishing my novel- "Thunder In The Wind". I can say that I am not perfectly okay, but I am also not fine. 

My family is scattered across the globe but I don't have much contact with them, or my parents anymore. Well, I should reiterate, it has only been my dad these past few years. From my knowledge of my family- i am guessing that it is my dad and Grams and then me of course. 

I am not okay. Not even fine, I don't feel fine, mentally I'm more screwed up than how I was maybe four or five years ago. My dad says I have progressed from when I first moved in with him. Honestly, this is my first version of how this story would have gone so here it is: My life is a mess. But I guess that's why I write so much. 

For me in the past few years, I have grown as a writer. I am turning 20 and turning 21 in the next 14 days. May 15th to be exact. But I'm headed down to my dad's four days after. My bio or introduction on all of my platforms ranges from this: hi my name is Lauren Winters- I am a 20-year-old author, home cook, and furbaby mom of 2. But it was originally this, hi my name is haley I am 19, and I am an aspiring chef, rocker, and author. 

Honestly, I'm glad I changed it because I always liked the mystery of it. Plus nowadays everything is struggling and our privacy and freedom seem to be slowly getting taken away from us. Especially for women, it honestly seems like the world is reverting to the dark ages of humanity. 

I can say this, I have been 11 years clean from cutting myself like I went through the shredder. I guess part of me wanted to feel the pain in real-time from the mental abuse my mother threw at me. I was mentally abused by my mother her friend, and my daughter. But her daughter is another story cuz she has punched me a few times, let alone called me a worthless b**ch. But my mom was a puppet on a set of strings controlled by her "friend". 

To put in better words, or a better example. Thinking of something along the lines of this, my mom's friend could say, "The sky is purple." My mum more or less would ask, "What shade of purple."

I know part of me asks myself, what would things be like if my mum was still alive? What would she say now? And would we have been able to resolve the problems between us? Or even try to repair the mother-daughter relationship. 

When my mum passed, I just felt a wave of pain and numbness that kept falling over me. It was a pain I knew too well. I do have one too many problems, between physical & mental problems. I felt like a hollow shell honestly. Almost like my mind was on autopilot. For a while, maybe a year or two after my mum passed in 2017, things felt like they were becoming normal. 

Like passing through the stages of grief. My life soon felt like it was falling- almost falling into place. Then low and behold my anxiety destroys it. Overthinking, worrying about every little thing, questioning if I am good enough, or if I will screw more things up. And everything that came with it was destroyed. 

I don't have too many friends, just two good friends honestly. One friend of mine- we have been friends for 12 going on 13 years now this upcoming Halloween. They both have seen me at my lowest and driest place. And have stuck with me through the darkness. But my one good friend, we met on Halloween and I was a pirate, I unfortunately forgot what she was. But I was 8 years old. After going trick or treating, we became the best of friends after 

My other good friend, whom I met freshman year last period, was in Spanish class. I flunked out of it the first day. I never really was able to grasp the concept of it, unfortunately. 

Later after class, we started talking and soon started to hang out and days later a wonderful friendship blossomed. They have stayed by my side since day one- when I moved the school to Culver. One other thing I did forget to mention, was a quirky romance that blossomed too. 

The relationship is a bit rocky, but that was because I had trust issues- thank you, Mom. Yes, the weird quirky romance- at first it was an on and off-relationship- trust issues, but after taking a break for a while. Junior year I was single- but for six months I wasn't. Worst idea and worst decision ever. I regret it. I have had very toxic relationships in the past. That relationship was toxic- especially when I broke things off. In the time of the relationship, it was my first ever real relationship. It lasted about six months. 

I guess most relationships I have had before now and that one only lasted maybe 2- 2 ½ months. I was scared and didn't want to lead anyone on. And so I broke it off. But during junior year, I had a long-distance relationship. It wasn't pretty, it was mainly mental abuse, and the night I broke it off, I was called a cheap s***ty w***e that couldn't be put out.

That didn't help me much either way, because the same year I almost was r**ed. It was another student, the same grade, not giving you names, but even when I was in my guess junior high or between the 5- 6th grades. Some guy had this infatuated crush on me, and i didn't pick up on that till he said something. Little did I know, he cornered me and tried forcefully kissing me and trying another tactic, but I would rather not talk about that. 

Before I moved to Culver I was bullied a good 90% of the time. I did my best to stick to the shadows so I was left alone, mainly just trying to blend in. That is what got me through high school. Now I'm not doing this for more followers or any kind of attention, I refuse to have that, I already have too much going on in my head. 

I guess I'm just trying to give myself closure, and finally get this off my chest. To those who have read my stories, you may know that I have eye problems, I don't have much family, and I was bullied. But for those who don't. This is my list of problems, and I will explain the rest in a minute. Anxiety-depression ( followed by postpartum) low self-esteem- vitiligo ( loss of pigmentation in the skin.)-coats disease ( scar tissues behind the retina- blind in left eye)

I know some may be able to relate to the main three, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, and I do apologize for anything that has happened to you. 

I wish you all the best and a full recovery. This last holiday season, I was 7 weeks pregnant in November, but I started to have complications, and by December 12. 2020 at 11:43 am I was told that I had a miscarriage. When I tell you that is the worst pain to feel, trust me. Just hearing those words, it's just heartbreaking, it feels like your entire world shatters right before you. 

Ever since I was a kid, I have not had the best self-esteem or confidence, and my parents divorce at a very young age. I was in the second grade at the time. I did not take it well. I just felt this wave of guilt rush over me. Now for the longest time, I did live with my mom, yes. 

But when I was fourteen I decided to live with my dad. But at that time I opened my eyes and saw what was happening. One thing is, I suffered the consequences, I found out I had been mentally abused by my mom and her oldest friend. For nine long years I had to deal with her, getting bullied, and each day my confidence kept depleting. 

I know some of this may be repetitive but it explains what im like. The bad things that happened this year still take a toll on me, I had my first eye surgery- I have what is called coat disease it is rare for it to happen in women, mainly boys. I had major trust issues, the start of my anxiety, and depression. That summer I found out the worst thing possible, my mom was diagnosed with stage four melanoma skin cancer. 

Sadly this runs on my mom's side of the family so I'm likely to get it. Same for many other things. Also that December, one of my best friends committed suicide. I also broke up with Chris for the first time, because of trust issues, and I was worried. It was like that for two years, but the sophomore year came and things went slightly well, then school came and things went downhill.

Grades started slipping, I cared not much about myself, and middle sept. I found out my mom ended up in the hospital, I was 15 at the time. She had four blood transfusions that day. The end of Sept came, and she ended up in hospice. I can't go into too much detail or I'll start crying. 10:10:17, @ 2:34 she had passed away at 50. 

Every night for that month I cried myself to sleep. I fell into a depressive state. Recently I graduated, moved in with my fiance, and got engaged, but I lost what I could not wish to happen, I lost my baby to a miscarriage. 12:14:20 @ 11: 43 am.