CHAPTER 1 (NOW)

The skies were gray; there was not even a twinkle from the singlest star. It was cold, and the wind blew as if it were accustomed to the greatness of anger. It was night; everyone was asleep, but I just lay on this empty sofa, watching the dark night that lay under and above the street lights.

Quiet music sang in the background; my thoughts barely noticed it either way.

The room was dirty; it had been days and weeks since I found time to clean this crib. It now felt like a bachelor's, I'd say.

The room had all types of alcohol, some empty, others half empty. I just bought them on my way to,... on my way to the apartment..., from my overly demanding job.

The whisky on my hand was barely hanging there; I was already shaking; its weight too much for my intoxicated fingers and hand..., my eyes barely even in vision of it, so I just let the glass slide down, and in a thud, I watched it break into pieces as the liquids inside together with it embraced the floor.

The floor was dirty anyway; it never mattered.

'My phone' I thought,

'in the charger' I remembered, and I hung around, letting my hands help me, using the coach and the table as support, as I reached the extension that placed the charger.., the only thing placing life onto my phone.

And I sat next to the extension; the large television set above me. I hated seeing this large screen; it reminded me of my worst nightmare, and it had took me all my strengths not to crash it today and before.

I knew later, I will say I was losing it, maybe,

but now I just watched my phone; it was barely 12%; I barely charged it anyway; but I still pressed on it, as it made its i-phone ringing style and asked me for the passwords and all that.

I knew why I switched it on; I knew, of course, why. Oh God, I knew exactly why, and the first place I headed to was the messages; maybe someone had looked for me.., it was end month of course.

'Marilyn voice mail message' she never gave up to call me, doesn't she?

It was always something to do with work.., damn work!; she was the medical-surgical nurse, and I was a cardiologist, just specified on that. I took my work seriously; it was the only thing that kept me breathing,

But anyway.., my job never aligned to my current heart status.., I was barely hanging around.

So, after listening to the voicemail, I straight away switched to my WhatsApp messenger; maybe what I wanted would be there. I hoped a text would pop; at least I miss you or something. It had been years since I heard from her..., Luke sort out everything.., Luke just did.

I know, I know it had been years; I had already finished my degree, specializing in everything we had planned for, but all I was left with was this paper to remind me of our memories and the empty room that we once shared. I hated remembering this.

I honestly hated remembering all this, this feeling.., the feeling of losing and lose..., but it just seemed to be the only time I really felt something..., it was harder to let go.

Just to escape this lengthy state of euphoria, I lay my head down and after some damn time;.., my phone beeped. I hated the ringing of my phone when I drank; it just was not the most beautiful of voices. "Yeah," I stated after answering,

"Dude, you free?" It was my friend; his name was Elvis.

"Next shift tomorrow night." I stated

"Okay, some party is here. Wanna hop?" He stated. I loved parties when my mind was like this...., I had drank many drinks; I would not drive, of course.., I just needed t lie despite knowing that I still wanted to go to the party, but anyway..,

"Can't drive. My hand's bleeding." I stated, well, I lied.

"Okay, we are around your area," he stated.

I just sighed; he always found a way to let me out, even when I just wanted to enjoy the darkness and loneliness of this room. I do not remember the last time I really slept in it;

it was always coming to change clothes; if not changing,

I was at work the whole night; if not working,

I was with a random girl in some hotel room.

The truth is, I hated the truth that this room made me face. It was a truth that I barely had faith in; it was a truth that I kept shying away from.

"Dude, where are you at?' The text stated.., it was Elvis. He was at the gates of this apartment.

'Coming' I replied, as I wore my black leather coat after taking a fast shower. I always made sure I took showers before heading out with friends, because one thing I surely knew was that I would never lack one girl with whom I would smash or have a liking.

However, recently, it has not been as pretty as it used to be.

The same old familiar feeling has been visiting through the little crevices of my well-built wall. This feeling before, would just come and go; it was always like the calm and the wind, the sun and the rain. The only problem with it was that.., when it came, it just took over everything; wherever I was, it just knocked me down in ways I alone experienced.

But now.., it has been heavily knocking. It has just become like that. Not a day has passed without it distracting me and knocking me down. It has made me forget the love of embracing another woman, it is currently fully intoxicating me, the fog I have been in for the past few days.., And truth be told, there is not much I haven't tried to just make it stop.., or at least soften; the only music it has come to embrace and love is the saddest of music, not even the only melody it enjoyed.., the loud noises of distant hotel bars at night and the sound of me embracing a woman.

And those women.., those women.., Sometimes I knew they saw it; I felt they saw the, the emotionless picture; the face I gave them as if I hated them, as if my heart barely noticed them, sometimes I would see the faces they gave me.., I knew they did see it; I knew they did..., and hell I wish they knew there was nothing much I would do to change what I was.

"Hope in," Elvis stated; it was heavily pouring already. Of course, I had forgotten about the bad weather. "And this party is important; behave, man. No screwing up." He added.

He was always the best friend I had. He had gotten his marine license recently and was on leave for a few days. People got into being marine officers very young; he is just twenty-three, while I am kissing my twenty-fifth year, almost twenty-six. We knew each other from significant encounters in the same bar almost every weekend, until we became buddies. It took a hella lot of time before I even got to know his name, and then I just learned the dude was Elvis, some marine. But he knew a lot about me.

I am not much of a talker nowadays; I really am not; I am just the one who answers questions. 'How was your day?' 'Good'…, 'how was work?' 'Good'…., 'wanna go out?' 'yea'. I never knew I was this type of person until recently I checked on the texts I have had with most people. I was always the one-word stator in hell of a thousand written paragraphs..., is this change or growth? I don't know.

Elvis was making a lot of bends and turns. Hell, this was no bar party; it was more of an isolated area party. I barely went to those parties, except once when I was dragged..., dragged by a certain woma..,

Hell, do I have to relate everything to her? I found myself questioning, and I checked my phone again..., I was looking for a text, 'it was end month'.., I questioned again in my brain.

The phone was also in its ruins.., It was barely holding onto the one percentage it left; I used it up much speaking to this dude; but I liked the phone either way.., it held up its life much more than I did; I was barely even holding up; I was just living by the next day, hoping it would be beautiful and not surreal and painful, heartless and torturous, as some days made things be. The days where I made myself busy with work and helping out with things that never really included me..., and other days when work became torturous, and all I wanted is lie down and drown onto my thoughts.., but I preferred working..., I needed no depression hit me.

"We hear you, man." Elvis shouted as he parked the car in some isolated garage. It had pretty good cars, and faint music was heard. I guess it was some wood party. Maybe a high schooler was graduating or some students were hyping themselves up, some university students precisely.

"Bro, tip.., behave." He told me as he unbuttoned his seat belt and started walking out. Before walking out, some women came running to him, praising him and whatever, and so I just stayed a little quiet in the car. I was in no mood to have talks with people, and I sometimes had some social anxiety, especially with new people. Even the alcohol in my streams could never help in this; the only thing it helped was winning women over. But this seemed to be a closed-off party; it seemed like a friend kind of party, and screwing a woman in a friendship meant war. I would never do such bullshit.

"Dude, you coming?" Elvis shouted to me, giving me the courage to walk out. It had already stopped raining, but all that mattered was that I left my phone in the car, as it had already lost its own life, and just walked out, steading myself. I wished not to give the impression of a drunkard to these students; they sure were students I could tell.

Of course, hanging around Elvis meant having younger women, students who just never thought much of the future, barely hanging on the next Friday night, and the next birthday celebration, in addition to making out, having sex, and doing drugs if not selling them.

Lectures were nothing but any other business, unless to the most serious of students, who knew their backgrounds well off, or whose scholarships were on line in case of any degrade of their grades. Otherwise, the rest.., enjoy.., beiiiibyyy.., it was something we used to say when I was in the university, however, learning to be a doctor was not the smoothest of roads; it was one of the roughest and toughest roads I ever had to walk through. Of course I have had my rough days, far away from the course in study; they too never made it simple for me. I seek reasons why, why they just never saw how hard I was trying, questions I alone barely know answers to.

The party was somewhere in the woods of a certain university. Everyone was having their own chilly time. Some were smoking, others were making out, and others were just playing games of shots and drinks in addition to truths and dares. Hell, I was already regretting coming here; I was old for this. These were things I found fun of maybe some years ago, but now, barely.

"Dude," Elvis came to me; of course he did when he found me, having a hard time fitting into a new crowd. "Here, come here." He dragged me into the drinking sessions. I was really drunk for the day, but adding more was no problem. I had just had some whiskey and drinks; they were just to drain away the empty feelings inside of me; they were just for that.

"Which girl looks pretty?" One of the men asked, as their disturbing girlfriends laughed in unison, as if mocking or something. They were annoying; hell, I was already getting an attitude about the place. But hearing some pretty girl be called, hell, why would I not check them out? It was either answer or take the shot; taking a shot would make me a coward, and I was a doctor who had just made one successful suicide in charge. I was proud of myself for the first time in many years.

"You said pretty?" I asked, as if seeking their reply. Of course I knew what they had stated; the alcohol was just making my mouth alter fucked-up statements.

"Yeah, man, answer or shot. Or take a shot." They stated, and I just laughed when I noticed some girl; she was just chilling with a few girls and one dude at the end of this place. What the fuck was this place anyway?

"I like that one, with some cop or scout thing, pretty, beret.. yeah., the one wearing a beret." I stated, and everyone was quiet.

"Not that one, dude." They stated, "Marine's sister," the one next to me whispered inside my ear.., not letting Elvin hear, and I knew what he meant by that, by Marine's sister. But she was cute, and I knew I would never let this slide. I liked a challenge., even though it meant the marine. The alcohol was doing things to me. This was not a good idea.