Once, A Child On Winter Night

It was cold.

a cold night.

The sky was painted deep blue oceanic color like a fairy tale in children's book. Under the care of moonlight, I was sitting alone on an old wooden swing chair in the park far from my house. My eyes were glued at the beautiful moon that was hanging on the sky. The moon was big and shining brightly, somehow, it feels like I could touch the moon if I tried to reach with my tiny hand. But, I knew it was far, far up in the sky, where no one can reach except for those who are brave to dream that high. Now that I think about it, isn't lonely up there despite being big and shiny?

"Handa! there you are!" A voice suddenly interrupts my train of thought. The sound of running footsteps could be heard from behind as it gets closer and closer. I didn't need to look behind to see of whom the voice belong to. In my whole life, there were only two people who called my name with warmth and one of them is...

"Honestly...you had me worried." Yoshino Uesugi, my one, and only big brother. He asked me while gasping for air and clinging to the iron bar of the swing to my right. Really, this brother of mine...is such a worrywart.

"Nii-san, don't touch the iron bar. it's a little bit rusty." I replied to him, worrying that the rusty iron bar might be harmful to him.

"Ah!" Nii-san quickly removed his left hand from the iron bar and wipe it to the side of his black shirt. He, then proceed walking to my front. It was funny that he was being tough whilst at the same time trying to hide his haggard breathing as he walks like an old man. I tried to hold my laughter, but it was no use. "Ahaha..."I laughed weakly. I could see from the corner of my eyes, Nii-san was surprised to my sudden laughter. "Heee...is that sarcasm I hear?" Nii-san pinch my chin upwards as the tip of his lip rises, thinking that his little brother is being sarcastic.

He kneels to match my sight and carefully observing my face before he stares at my body which was wrapped in brown long sleeves shirt and short pants. I, too, look at him. However, due to Nii-san's back facing the moonlight, I couldn't see much. I could tell that he was wearing a black shirt and dark brown long pants. Flip-flop, also. He probably was rushing looking for me in this cold night, if not, there would be time for him to wear shoes before going out in this snowy weather. He must've been really worried about me.

"N-Nii-san?..." My voice was shaking due to finding a blood stain on the edge of his upper clothing. I stare at his face. brown-toned skin, spiky hair and piercing eyelashes and... a wound on his right upper lip to his cheek.

The thought of my blood lusted Father rampaging inside the house surges through my mind which is the last thing that I want to remember. I closed my eyes with the thought it would go away. but, it was hopeless. Images of him throwing tantrum to me and my family keep pouring to my head. It hurts! My head hurts!

My mind instantly cowers in fear.

My body starts to quiver.

and beads of sweat emerges on my forehead.

It was then, I could feel a sudden warmth that reminds me of the gentle sun in spring. The cold that was trying to swallow me, has gone away.

Fear...

Anxiety...

Sadness...

All was nullified by Nii-san's presence.

I slowly opened my eyes...

Nii-san's arms and body were embracing me. His knee was touching the snow that has been piling up on the ground. I could even hear the messy rhythm of his heart. "Nii-san?" I inquire again to see if this was not an illusion. Him being here with me on this cold night. "It's fine. It's fine. I'm here. I'm always here. by your side." Nii-san gently whispered in my ear as he slowly caressed my head. "Nii-san...I'm scared." Without my consent, tears dropped from my eyes. I snuggled more in his arms. "It's fine. It's fine. Nii-san is here, so don't worry" He then slowed the caress of my head. Even though I've heard it many times, it always sweeps the negative emotions that bottled inside of me. Just like that, we spent our time together hugging each other in our own little world.

....

"Nii-san..." I called out to him. Nii-san released his arms as if he knew that was the end cue of our hugging session. He didn't move an inch from his current spot which made me worried once more. I was about to ask the wound on his lip and Mom, but he cut me right away. "Handa, look at me." Nii-san fixed my down gaze toward his face. Nii-san's hand are warm. How can his hands still warm?

"Look at my eyes." He repeated himself once again. "Un." I nodded lightly and cut all my unnecessary thoughts. It was the least I could do. I stare at his eyes to see nothing but unwavering conviction. It was the kind of eyes that I yearn for. "Handa, you, Mom, and I are a family." He told me. "But, Fa-" knowing what I about to say, Nii-san purposely cut me again. "That person is unrelated, you hear me?" I could see deep inside of Nii-san's eyes buried a deep wound and endless hatred to Father. Nii-san for one cannot be blamed. The fact Father abused mom every day after coming from work has made what Nii-san and me today. This is the fruit of Father's dictatorship. "You hear me?" Nii-san asked me again with a more firm tone. "Yeah" I replied in low voice. "Handa, what family means to you?" Nii-san's question lead me to think of that house, the house which drowns in sadness and anger. Neither, Mom, Nii-san, or I created a fun and happy memory except when Father had to stay outside due to work or when he was feeling good. That house can't be called home, ever. Thus, I answer..."I don't know". "That's fine. Nii-san will tell you." Nii-san has somewhat regained his vigor and smiled at me. Unlike the time he stood in front of me which he had to force a smile in order to calm my heart.

"Handa, you. Mom. and I. are Family."

"..."

I stayed silent, not wanting to break the atmosphere.

"As a family, we take care of each other."

"..."

"As a family, we protect each other."

"..."

"As a family, we hug each other."

"...."

"In dark times..."

"..."

"and In happy times."

"..."

"That's why no matter what happens from now on or wherever we will be. We have to...no, we will be happy."

"This is what family means. Engrave it into your heart."

"Yes, Nii-san."

Nii san's smile bloom further. Maybe because of the cold, he decided to sit on the same wooden swing chair next to me. Though, there was no sign of Nii san shivering, ah, there is. His arms already overlapped on each other on his knee. I wonder why I haven't gotten cold yet?

I look around my body and found that there was a long scarf around my neck. Thinking back, Nii-san did bring a scarf in his right arm. He probably put it on me during our hug. Really...this kind brother of mine. In spite of his firm behavior, he's kind to his core.

"Nii-san, how's Mom?" I choose to ignore the wound on his face for the moment, knowing his attitude, he certainly will try to play dumb. It might even trigger his hatred.

"Rest assured, Mom's sleeping. I took care of her before searching for you. The house? I locked it and for that ass-, I mean that person. He probably went to a brothel or a bar or something." Nii-san snorted to the air. "A brothel?" I asked the supposed to be 'unknown' word to the seven years old me that came out of Nii-san's word. "Ah" Nii-san made a 'Whoops' face. He quickly coughs embarrassedly twice. "Anyway.." and played the serious tone. Yes, this is the Nii-san I knew for years. Yep, no doubt about it. A grin replaced my gloomy face. "You're teasing me, aren't you?". "I wondeer~" I sheepishly avoid his stare.

Nii-san sighed and smiled. He shifts gaze from me to the moon. I followed after. The moon has reached its peak, I guess. How long have we been here? I hope Mom is okay.

"Is this why you went to the park?" Nii-san's seems to be enchanted by the power of the moon as well. It's been a long time since I see Nii-san making this kind of face, the face filled with tranquility. Peace and stillness.

"...Yeah" I feel the moment as I breathe deep to my lungs and let the air inside escape from my mouth, creating cold air that dances up to the sky.

"Handa" He calls me but his gaze was nowhere near me but the moon, reflecting the sadness in his eyes.

"What is it, Nii-san?"

"Promise me from here onward, you will be always kind to any person you met. Never use violence." Nii-san begins to slowly swing his swing chair as it creates a 'creak' sound. Me, on the other hand, was surprised at Nii-san's sudden request. To be honest, I kinda know where is this going.

"I believe that if we're being kind and considerate to each other, the people around us will do the same." Nii-san continues.

"That's why, if we're kind and considerate, we will be happy forever. Also, we will never be that kind of person! who only knows to use brute strength and bully the weak!"Nii-san glared intensely as if Father was in front of him. Not only that, he grits his teeth too. "Use violence if necessary. Only use it as last resort to protect, not to harm." He added after what it seems to be a battle of the mind.

"Handa, violence will never bring happiness to us or to the people around us, it will only bring pain and destruction. We knew this well didn't we?"

Yeah, Father always tries to solve his problem with brute force and never try to talk through, I thought to myself.

"That's why if people do bad things to you, you should never do the same to them. kill them with kindness."

"Kill them with kindness?" I had no idea the exact meaning of those words.

"Yeah. It means that always be gentle and sincere to those around you whether it's your enemy or friends. Maybe, just maybe, one day they may have a change of hearts and become good as well. It's my dream to bring this kind of change to the people...and the world." Nii-san's eyes were full of determination. I thought at that moment, nothing in this world can stop Nii-san's ambition now. Never and forever.

"Okay, Nii-san. Handa promises you."

"Till death do us part?" Nii-san's present his pinky finger to my side. Really...this brother of mine.

"..Till death do us part and if broken, he will be pierced by a thousand needles and cut his finger." With that our pinky fingers intertwine to each other as we shake it up and down. Thus the pinky promise was made and an innocent smile on my face.

"Oi, Handa, isn't that too extreme?..." He awkwardly smiles, trying to hide his cold sweat. I, in return, heaved my shoulder.

"Well then." Nii-san brushed some snow on his pants as he stood facing at me. He reaches his hand to me, signaling that it's about time for us to end the night.

"Shall we go to bed?"

"Yeah, let's go Nii-san. I don't like keeping Mom waiting."

That night I thought that Nii-san's smile was brighter than the moon.

....

Back then, I was young, dumb and naive. I've always believed every single thing that Nii-san taught me, never doubting him from the bottom of my heart. That's how much of an existence Nii-san in my heart. However...

Little did I know, my life will change for the worse....or for the better. Everything I thought was right was wrong by reality.

Because reality is a bitch.