Use Your Voice

It started at a young age. Plants fascinated her. When her family was invited to a ball or a large social event, she found herself out in the gardens or sitting quietly in a corner wishing she had a book to read. It wasn't so much that she was quiet, but that she preferred the inanimate over the animate. The plants were her friends, not people. Often young men would ask her to dance and she would refuse, unless her parents pushed her into it.

At each social, she was denied the privilege of refusing a dance requested by the ones who put the event together. In public she never spoke and others took it as a sign that she felt superior to everyone else. Another thing that set her at odds with the rich society she had been raised in was her unseemly dislike for doctors. She preferred the philosophies of tree loving, witch doctors (properly known as Herbalists). Sometimes her parents and siblings would leave her at home to do as she liked, but with every host that voiced displeasure about her behavior, her family felt pressured to bring her along.

When she was old enough, she left for a school—Herbs of the East and West. She wrote lengthy letters home, but never sent them. She instead sent short postcards once a week to let her family know she was 'still alive', and the letters from the professors, who were concerned about her not speaking. The family had no answers for them since she had been eleven when she stopped speaking to them.

Her seeming dislike for others continued to get worse at school, until she was only seen during class hours. Very rarely did her floor mates see her in the dorms. Most of the time, it was only a glimpse of color before her door closed completely. She continued to ignore invitations from her classmates to be social and when a doctor was sent to her room to check on her, she wasn't there. Other get togethers were tried to get her more actively engaged in interacting with others and to ensure she understood how best to apply what she learned in lectures, but she managed to find a way out of it.

Trif, one of her classmates, was walking through the garden one afternoon. He had started school at the same time she did, three and a half years previous. As he walked through the hedges looking at the different herbs that grew in the garden, he heard a voice. Peeking around one of the hedges he saw Alexandra. She hadn't seen him yet, so he just stopped and watched.

"Plantago major is good for drawing out poisons and infections. Making the need for an anti-venom or antibiotic made by man left for the only the most dire of situations."

"And good for returning voices, Alexandra," Trif said.

She froze.

"Have you nothing else to say?" he inquired.

She shook her head and picked something off the ground in front of her. He approached as she stood.

"Your voice is soft, but beautiful. I would like to hear more of it."

Alexandra shook her head and left. She reached the gate before Trif confronted her once again.

"Why don't you speak, Alexandra? The plants don't understand your words, nor can they respond to your questions."

Alexandra averted her gaze.

"Do you think yourself better than us?"

She shook her head.

"Then speak!" He stepped towards her and she stepped back. "Alexandra, will you look at me?"

Her eyes lifted and he studied her face. The corners of her mouth naturally turned down and her eyes were unreadable.

"Smile?" he asked.

Alexandra shook her head. Then she stepped around him, but he stopped her. When she tried to pull away, his grip tightened.

"Say something, Alexandra!"

Tears filled her eyes and his grip loosened enough for her to break away.

As she ran, memories of that day resurfaced.

"Shut up, Alexandra! No one likes to hear you speak. Your voice is too nasally and it taints your looks. You would be better off silent."

Her only friend had spoken those words to her. From there, everything led her to this moment. Humans were judgmental and harsh. Like animals at times. Plants were different. They had no voice to complain or condemn, and most of them were helpful instead of harmful. Why couldn't people be that way? The parties with the dresses, make-up, suits and ties. It was all a parade—a circus. Her high social status meant nothing to her and because of that, she was looked down on.

There had been a time when wearing the fancy dresses and being able to dance with people her age excited her, but then she had been condemned for playing her part. The experience was severe enough to her at eleven years old that she withdrew, discovered a new world, and found a new happiness.

Plants became her friends and people were left alone. She had locked her words away and the world became harsher. This friend then rejected how she had changed because of his words and her family despised her for it. Social parties were torture because of all the gossip that went on around her. Why was it that until she started attending Herbs of the East and West that others pressed her to speak? Why couldn't they have been there twelve years earlier to combat her friend's words and see the beauty of it then?

Alexandra only slowed when she approached her bedroom door. Then she locked herself in her room. Locked away from everyone, just like her voice. Her head hurt and she lay on her bed to sleep. Alexandra was almost asleep when there was a knock on her door. At first she ignored it, but it came a second time and she got up to answer it. Her steps were wobbly and her head still ached. She opened the door as the knock came a third time.

"Alexandra, I'm sorry," Trif said. "I didn't..." He sighed. "Here. You dropped your notebook."

She took her notebook with a nod then closed the door, not locking it this time. After setting her notebook on her desk, she went back to bed. This time she slept and only became aware that someone had come in because their touch woke her. It was Professor Apple. Most of her headache was gone, but she was still tired. Slowly, she sat up and rubbed her eyes.

"How are you feeling, Alexandra?" he asked.

She shook her head and rested her face in her hands.

"I brought you some peppermint tea if you want it."

Alexandra nodded and signed, "Thank you."

The tea cup and plate were handed to her. She took a sip and pulled a face. There was something else with the peppermint. One of the bitter herbs. Which one? Alexandra took another sip. Bayberry. Did they add it in hopes that the taste would get her to speak?

"How is life at home?"

She shrugged.

"Alexandra," he sighed. "We want to help you, but we can't do that until we understand why you won't speak."

She shook her head and quickly finished the tea. As she sat the cup down, Trif came to visit. He knocked on the door frame since the door had been left open. As much as she wished to be alone, she knew they wouldn't relent. They hadn't given up, even though they had been trying for nearly four years to get her to open up. Their attempts would continue even more vehemently now, especially if Trif had informed the professors that she only spoke to plants. But that wasn't true either. She had a player that she had recorded other herbalists voices on to help her review the information. Though, she may not even use that anymore if someone started shadowing her.

Alexandra stood and picked up her notebook for identifying herbs and stepped towards the door, but Trif didn't move.

"Use your voice," he said. "I want to hear it again."

Alexandra shook her head.

"Then you'll be standing there for a long time."

Professor Apple stood. "Please, Alexandra, the outer edge of your scelera is already a dark yellow. Unlock your voice and heal that part of yourself."

Moving back to her desk, Alexandra pulled out an old notebook. She flipped to the pages that held the picture of her friend and his hurtful words. On a scrap of paper she wrote a short note before pushing passed Trif. He didn't try to stop her, as Professor Apple walked to the desk.

"Trif, come here," he said.

"What is it?" he asked, stepping next to him.

He saw the picture. He'd known the young man. Sadly he passed a short time later. Why had she kept the picture? His eyes moved to the journal entries.

My friend got upset with me today. I don't know what I did to make him so mad, but his words hurt. 'Shut up, Alexandra! Your voice is too nasally and taints your looks. You would be better off silent.' If that is all a woman is good for in this world, and my voice does bring such unhappiness then I won't talk anymore. From now on I will keep my mouth shut. This journal will be my only voice...."

"Such an unfortunate decision," Professor Apple said, more to himself than to Trif.

"Clearly the impact of such words was greater than what was intended."

"Do you know this young man, Trif?"

"I do, Professor Apple."

"Do you know where to find him? This has gone on for too long."

"He's dead, Professor. But perhaps I can repair what he's damaged."

"You're a good man, Trif." Then Professor Apple left the room.