Separating to Keep the Peace

[Possible trigger themes. Reader discretion is advised.]

Amanda woke with a start, sitting up straight. She was no longer in her room, but in a sterile, white hospital room. Amanda hated hospitals. People were treated as the disease or the problem they had and not as people. Symptoms were managed, but the ultimate cause of what was making the person sick was pushed aside as insignificant. She lifted her hands to rub her eyes and saw that her wrists were wrapped. Why were her wrists wrapped? How did she end up in the hospital? She had been home alone; her parents gone for the weekend to celebrate their anniversary.

She rubbed her eyes then dropped her hands into her lap. She stared at the bandaging on her wrists. Amanda wracked her brain trying to figure out how she had gone from sleeping in her bed to lying in a hospital with stitches in and bandaging around her wrist. She woke on the floor at 3am. She sat on her window seat to think. It was starting to snow again. It had been the one month anniversary of her best friend's death. She cried. Izzy' death hadn't made any sense. Still didn't make sense.

The doctor came in. "Oh, good, you're awake."

"Get me the AMM forms," Amanda said.

"I advise against that. We still need to…."

"You… need to direct your help to someone who is actually suicidal. Get me the forms. …Now."

"Ms. …."

"I promise not to attempt to commit suicide again," she interrupted, very annoyed. "Can I have the forms now?"

He sighed loudly. "Your mother…."

"My mother has no say. Get me the forms."

"No forms!" Amanda's mother, Nosai, said coming into the room. "You need help, Amanda. I should have seen to it the moment we got news of Izzy committing suicide."

Amanda ignored her mother. "The forms, Doctor."

He rolled his eyes and left the room. Nosai followed to try and dissuade him. He brought the forms. She filled out what she needed to. He took the forms and left again.

Nosai stroked Amanda's head. "Amanda…."

"Don't touch me. Did you bring my clothes?"

She frowned then set her clothes on the bed.

"You can go now."

Nosai turned and stalked from the room, making no attempt to hide her 'hurt'.

Amanda dressed then left the hospital. She caught the bus home. When she arrived, she went straight to her room and locked the door. Her mother was the first to knock on her door and demand she open it. Amanda ignored her. She was sick of putting up with Nosai's need for drama. She was sick of trying to keep Nosai 'happy' by being they energizer bunny on Joker's laughing gas. Maybe this was the kind of push she needed to help her realize it was time to move out.

She had planned to anyways in a few months with Izzy. Izzy had a good life. A good career. She was doing what she loved. She had been doing what she loved for several years until a month ago. What happened to cause her to commit suicide? She gave none of the signs. The note Izzy left behind didn't sound like her at all, but no one believed her. Amanda sat until she heard the door handle on her door jingle. Nosai was trying to pick it. She got up and relocked it once her mother had gotten it unlocked.

"Amanda Onyx, you open this door right now!"

"No. Go away!" she yelled back.

"Amanda," her dad said.

"I did not try to commit suicide. I am not going to. Leave me alone."

"Alright. No…."

"Alright!?," Nosai screeched. "Duke…."

Their voices faded and Amanda went back to her bed. She lay on her back just staring at the ceiling for a couple hours before rolling to her side. She looked at the floor. She could see the stains in the carpet from her "suicide attempt". They had been scrubbed, but not all of the blood came out. She had been in bed then woke on the floor. She sat in the window seat and had been returned to the floor. If she going to commit suicide by cutting it would have been easier to slit her wrists and let herself tumble out the window instead of lying on the floor waiting for the agony of blood loss to take her.

She needed to figure this out. But her peace would not last long staying in her parent's house. Amanda packed what few belongings she had into several boxes and bags. She had a two bedroom apartment above the office space she and Izzy had gone in on couple months previous. The plan had been to live and teach classes together. But with Izzy gone, she had to cover all of the expenses and teach the classes by herself. She could maintain it for a couple months without work, but she really needed to get working now.

Building a business was difficult, but well worth it. She made sure she grabbed her class list. She hadn't spoken with anyone, except Izzy, since their graduation. Contacting them now might help get the word out, in addition to gaining more insight on how best to move forward. Once she had everything packed in three plastic boxes and a four suitcase set, Amanda left her room. She entered the kitchen for something to eat. Her father sat at the kitchen table. He had sent Nosai to work, since he knew the aggravation she caused Amanda. There was a single piece of paper on the table in front of him.

"That the suicide note?" she asked, grabbing an apple and a cup of raw almonds.

"Yes," her father replied.

She sat at the table and took a bite of her apple. Was there someone who wanted to kill her? If so, why? She didn't have any enemies that she was aware of. She, or Izzy for that matter, hadn't caused harm to any of their clients. If they got wind that she had survived, would they try again? She finished her apple then got up from the table. She opened a small cupboard that held bandaging and herbal combinations to help in the recovery of kitchen injuries. The few formulas in there were the only ones her parents willingly used, so she'd not take them with her.

She did, however, pull out a comfrey, plantain, and white willow oil she'd made and put it on a pad. She unwrapped her wrists and placed the oil soaked pad over the cut marks. The area around the cuts was red and angry, like when infection was setting in. Red streaks were climbing her arms as well, which indicated some blood poisoning. The stitched looked haphazardly put in, as if the technician was too rushed and frazzled to really pay attention to what they were doing. Amanda covered the wounds then wrapped her wrists in clean gauze. She cleaned up before returning to the table to eat her almonds.

"Will you talk to me about this?" her father asked.

"There is nothing to talk about. I didn't write it."

"It's your handwriting."

Amanda ate another almond before grabbing the paper. She read through it. A lot about missing Izzy; not being able to live life with Izzy gone. But only in the post script did she mention her dead brother. She frowned at the page. Had she written this, her brother would not have been a post script thought. He would have been in the body of the letter with Izzy. Maybe even more so than Izzy. Amanda set the letter back on the table and continued to eat her almonds.

"It doesn't sound like me."

"Yes, actually, it does."

"Can I borrow the car?" she asked, steering the conversation away from her "suicide attempt".

"What for?"

"I want to move my things to my apartment before mom gets home."

"You're moving? You just tried to commit suicide, Amanda. A move won't…."

"I did not cut my wrists," she retorted. "And I am not going to finish that thought. Can or can I not use the car?"

"…Where is your apartment?" he asked, trying hard to be patient with his stubborn daughter.

"Over the office Izzy and I went in on together two months ago."

"Can you even afford that place?"

"If I can find a roommate, yes."

"How much is it per month?"

"$880. $940. I forget."

"Will you allow me to drive you?"

"Sure."

"How long do you need to pack?"

"Already packed. Just need to put everything in the car."

Her father's frown deepened, but he nodded.

He waited until she was done with her cup of almonds. Then he helped her load the car. It didn't take them more than a few trips. With the car loaded, Amanda's father drove to her office building. They unloaded her things. A couple of the suitcases and most of the boxes were set in the classroom. The other box and suitcases were taken upstairs to her apartment. She and Izzy had been able to furnish most of the apartment and office. They were hoping to get the last few bits after they moved it.

"It's nice," her father said.

"Yes, it is," Amanda replied.

"Is there anything else you need?"

"Groceries, but…."

"I'll take you," he said, cutting her off.

"You have nothing to worry about, Dad."

"I have everything to worry about, Amanda."

She didn't try to argue the point. She led her dad back down to the office. She locked the building once more. They climbed back into the car and her father took her shopping for her cleaning food and dish items. He even stayed to help her unload them. When the bags had been set aside for later use, Amanda's father pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Promise to call before you try again," he said.

"You'll be the first to know, Dad. …Promise not to give mom this address? I need the space."

"…Promise. I love you, Amanda."

"I love you, too, Dad."

He slowly released his embrace. He understood Nosai's point of view. He also knew his daughter. He just hoped he could trust her to keep living. He gave her arm a self-reassuring squeeze then left.