Distracted

As she walked out of her house that day, Lotus found herself surrounded by a thick fog. A smile raised her lips at the thought of being wrapped in a warm, white, blanket. But as she stepped off the porch Lotus' smile disappeared. She could only see a couple feet in front of her and would need to be more cautious in listening for cars coming down the neighborhood roads. It was only a couple block walk from her house to campus, but there were still several streets that she had to cross to get to school.

The morning air was slightly cool because of all the moisture. Still, Lotus didn't need more than a light jacket. Not long after she had crossed the first street, tears of depression and anger assaulted her eyes. Her head lowered. Her gaze watched the sidewalk, no longer seeing the world around her. Try as she might to force the negative thoughts from her mind and hold her head high, she found she could only do so for a few seconds before her head lowered once more.

Why did she feel this way? Despite the usual garbage from home, everything was going well for her. She was continuing her education in interpersonal communications and natural healing, she had a trustworthy friend, what more could she ask for?

Lotus looked up as she crossed the final neighborhood street to the University of Puget Sound campus. The fog obscured and hid even the closest of trees, but no thoughts of the outside world came to her. She continued to fight her unrelenting emotional battle and didn't notice that her friend now walked beside her.

"Lotus?" he asked.

She didn't hear him; her thoughts were jumping around in her mind like kids in a bounce house. She felt a light tug on her sleeve and she glanced over.

"Hi, Kevin," she said.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine. How are you?"

"Ah, can't complain. Classes are going well, my job is..." he trailed off as he noticed that Lotus was absently twisting her fingers. She did that a lot when something was bothering her. He had seen it a lot lately and wondered why she didn't open up to him. "Lotus?"

"Yeah, Kevin?"

"What's on your mind? And don't tell me 'same old, same old'. There is something bothering you. What is it?"

They reached the Wyatt building and went inside. Lotus remained silent until they reached the second floor and she sat in her favorite corner in the alcove not far from the stairs. She thought for another moment. Kevin shifted on his feet a little. Something he did when he was beginning to think that she wasn't going to answer him.

"I'm not good enough," she said finally.

"What?" he asked, confused. "Where did that come from?"

She glanced at him then away again. Her gaze dropped to her finger twisting and she stopped. Reaching into her book bag, she pulled out a notebook and pen. She held the pen over the page as she thought about how she wanted to set up her next discussion. She started to lower the pen to begin writing, but Kevin stole it before it could touch the page.

"Lotus, please," he said. "Why do you feel this way?"

"That doesn't matter," she replied softly. "I'm not good enough. Never have been, never will be."

"Lotus, you are good enough. Think of all the people who respect you and look to you as an example and friend. They wouldn't do that unless they saw something in you that they themselves wished to have."

Lotus just shook her head and turned to look out the window. Kevin didn't understand. This was not about being good enough for others. It was a matter of seeing herself in the light that others saw her in. Her left hand came up and rested against her mouth. On any other depressing day, Kevin's words would have lifted her up, but today they felt hollow and false—especially now with how her family members were reacting to the trials going on around home.

It wasn't long before her thoughts became as cloudy as the fog outside, muting all the sounds around her. When Kevin touched her cheek to get her to look at him, she didn't register the light touch. Kevin moved her hand and turned her face towards him. Her eyes stared as if she were looking right through him.

"Lotus."

She didn't respond.

He patted her cheek.

Lotus' eyes blinked as her awareness of her surroundings returned before she looked at her notebook. Kevin had tucked the pen into the binding of the notebook. Folding the cover back over, Lotus put them away. Any ideas she had for the questions she wanted to ask for the discussion to flow the way she wanted it to were lost. Nor did she feel she would be able to get her thoughts to focus long enough to come up with other ones. Lotus stood and looked at Kevin. He just watched her.

"What?" she asked.

"Why didn't you respond earlier?" he replied.

"Did you ask a question?"

"I've been trying to get your attention for the last five minutes!"

"Hmm," she said. "You coming?"

He gave a small nod and followed her to class.

During the lecture all Kevin could think about was what was going on with Lotus. What had happened last night to cause her to go from happy and energetic to depressed and distant? The two of them had played games with her landlord and roommates. Her laugh had been the loudest of everyone's. At the end of class, Lotus was the first to leave. Kevin knew she would go to the library to study. She always went there to read books on topics and time periods that interested her. He had another class to go to, but then he would find her and sit with her for the next two hours until she needed to go to her next class.

However, when he got to the library today, her usual spot was empty. Confused, he walked around the entire library and couldn't find her. Did she not come today? Convinced that she was there, he walked around once more. He found her on the fourth floor. She was sitting on the floor between two of the bookshelves, leaning against the wall. Her face was buried in her hands and her cell phone was on the floor. When it rang, her hands moved and she looked at it. She let it go to voicemail. That was very unlike Lotus. She always picked up her phone when it rang. Sometimes she would even leave class to answer it.

Her phone vibrated once to let her know she had a voicemail Lotus picked up her phone and pocketed it. Then she pulled a book off the shelf. She looked at the cover then put it back. She opened her backpack and looked inside as if she was trying to decide what she wanted. Sighing loudly, she closed her backpack and rested her head against the wall.

As Kevin walked closer to her, he noticed that her eyes and cheeks were red from crying and occasionally she would wipe away a tear that escaped.

"Am I really that fascinating to watch?" she asked, finally looking at Kevin, who now stood only a few steps away.

"No. I…. Will you tell me what's going on?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Kevin wanted to sit by her as he always did and listen to her share what she had learned over the last hour, but something told him not to approach her this time and he wondered why. When he looked up again, she was still looking at him. Her expression seemed hard.

"Are you mad at me?" he asked.

"No." Her answer was short and clipped. Then she shouldered her backpack as she stood and left.

Kevin stayed where he was for several minutes after she left before kneeling in the aisle to see what book she had pulled out. Elevating Self-Esteem by Dr. Garnet.

'Why would she be looking at this?' he asked himself. 'She's so confident, so put together.'

Putting the book back he replayed the day's happenings. Something big was going on because Lotus was not being herself. He went downstairs and sat at a computer to check his email. As he did, he thought he heard Lotus' voice. He looked around, but didn't see her. Her voice sounded happy and she even laughed. Maybe he could try to learn more after their next class. But she wasn't in class that night.