Naruto: The Merchant of Death

"Jin Uchiha, failed," I hear the academy sensei announce, and I can't help but feel a spark of joy at the news.

"Wait, wait, wait! Sensei, are you really sure that I have failed?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes, Jin, you have failed, and I am absolutely sure of it," the teacher, a middle-aged man, says while rubbing the bridge of his nose in exasperation.

"I mean, is there a chance I could still pass by stealing some scrolls or doing some other hidden task?" I ask, eyeing him suspiciously.

The sensei rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed. "Jin, there is no way that is ever going to happen. No one has the time to make up a hidden test for you or go out of their way to create a secret task. Your name was at the top of the list. Failed. And I am sure the Uchiha clan will not be pleased, but sadly, you have no talent as a shinobi."

A few snickers erupt from my classmates, but I'm not deterred. "So, does this mean I'm now a civilian?"

Before the sensei can reply, I hear one of those dog voyeurs addressing me. "Accept it, Jin," he says with a smirk. "You're probably the first Uchiha in the history of Konoha to ever fail the academy."

I wave a hand dismissively. "At least I go down in history, unlike you." Then I also address my teacher, "Also, please! Nobody in my clan will care about such small stuff. We are a family, and they surely wouldn't want me to be a child soldier, and die on the battlefield! Anyway, Sensei, I'm basically a civilian now, right?"

"You're the shame of our Uchiha," a fellow Uchiha chimes in while shaking his head in denial. I am somewhat annoyed by his rude comment, but I am above arguing with brats.

"Jin, yes you are a 'civilian' now," the sensei replies, putting extra focus on the word civilian while crossing his arms.

"Great, that means I'll live longer," I say absentmindedly, with a look of deep contemplation. "Hehe, survival of the fittest, my ass! In my case, it's survival of the 'never-gonna-risk-it.'"

The sensei groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just leave the classroom, Jin. We're all tired of your 'brilliant' logic."

"Fine! I'll take my brilliance elsewhere, where it's appreciated!" I declare, throwing my hands up dramatically. "Anyway, see you at your funerals," I add as I leave the classroom, waving to the morons, "—maybe I'll be eating an entire bowl of ramen by myself in your remembrance!"

As I turn to leave, I hear someone call out loud enough for me to hear, "Finally, we're freed from this moron!"

'We will see who the moron is, moron,' I think to myself as I step out of the classroom with one last wave to my amused classmates, a happy-go-lucky smile on my face despite just having failed the academy.

Let me explain why it is so important to fail. In less than three years, the Second Shinobi World War will start, and the last thing I, as a handsome, young, and smart transmigrator, want is to participate in something ridiculous like a war.

"Why?" you might ask. Well, first of all, it is pointless because as an Uchiha, I will be sidelined by having to work in the Police Force, or if I manage to show that I am worth it to be trained by a Jonin, I will probably outright get assassinated by ROOT.

So why in God's name would anyone sign up for this lifestyle? As a genius transmigrator—yes, genius—I'm also not the kind of idiot who leaps headfirst into a war against people who can create clones of themselves, spit fire like they're the illegitimate son of some dragon, change their appearance, pull a Spiderman on you, or simply pull some shitty move out of their arse and call it a Kekkei Genkai.

I mean, come on, why would anyone that hasn't been dropped as a child willingly go to join in such a fight? Even more so when backstabbing is 10000% certain to happen if you try to rise to prominence.

So, anyway, I am determined not to go to war, and that is final. There are better and easier ways to live my life. But the first step is surviving, and the best way to survive the chaos is to remain a civilian. Unfortunately, there's one tiny little problem with my great plan. Starting today, neither Konoha nor the Uchiha Clan will be footing the bill for my rent or food, and what my parents have left me, except a blind eye, is zero, nada, niet.

Oh yes, the blind eye thing, well, apparently my pregnant mother thought it would be a great idea to take on missions outside the village as a pregnant woman for whatever reason, and then she got the pointy end of a sword stabbed into her, and I was lucky enough to survive the shit, but unlucky enough to lose an eye.

Anyway, she died during childbirth and my dad died some time before that, and I am an orphan, but it is ridiculous, I tell ya, ridiculous.

In a month's time, I'll probably be living on the streets unless I figure out how to make some money. Fuck! I transmigrated and still couldn't escape the clutches of capitalism. But, like all good transmigration stories, I got a few wishes—aka cheats, aka Golden Finger, aka the stuff that makes being dumped in an anime universe bearable—before being unceremoniously thrown into this ridiculously stupid world.

"I think his mind can't process that he failed despite being an Uchiha, and now he's shell-shocked," I hear someone say, snapping me out of my monologue. Apparently, I had been so lost in thought, staring at the academy, that I completely tuned out the world around me when I decided to look back one last time.

I turn around and decide to walk away while I still have some semblance of dignity. Otherwise, people will think I'm slow in the head. I'm not slow, just... a bit absent-minded, maybe.

Where was I? Ah yes, the wishes. I should mention that I've got some pretty cool ones, courtesy of a guy named Bailed—the failed god. He's the god of second chances for failures, and surprisingly accommodating. He even thought my wish list was hilarious enough to be worth indulging.

Originally, I had just one free wish, but one isn't nearly enough. So, I bargained. He offered to transmigrate me as an Uchiha in any time period I wanted, but that wasn't good enough either. So, I kept negotiating until I sweet-talked him into granting me two additional wishes in exchange for giving up the Sharingan and Chakra. Talk about a bargain! HAHAHA!!!

Why would I need Chakra or those stupid eyes that only work if you get yourself traumatized? Chakra is overrated anyway. All it's good for in the show is coming up with the most inefficient ways to kill people, and yet it always ends up in a Taijutsu fight.

Like, "Hey, look! I have a ball of doom called Rasengan, but to land it, I need to get really close and shove it up your ass."

Or, "Hey, I invented teleportation, but instead of using it to make money in a smart way, I'll use it to fight people—and get close enough to shove my kunai up your ass."

Or, "Hey, I can make a bazillion shadow clones, but I won't use them for a bazillion low-level tasks, or as free labor. Nah, I'll use them to swarm you and shove my fist up your ass."

See? It always comes down to Taijutsu because everyone in this world is universally either stupid, or all about shoving something up your ass. That's why the Hyuga—arguably the smartest but also equally dumbest people in the world—figured out that creating a melee art that protects your ass is the only way forward.

But I'm drifting too far from where I intended to go. Back to my wishes.

For my first wish, I decided to ask for my own personal space. See, I'm an introvert, and an introvert's greatest wish is to have their own place, away from people, with a fridge that's always stocked, endless entertainment, and plenty of me-time. That's exactly what my space is for. I wanted a dimension that functions like the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, but with a few added bonuses. For example, I can connect multiple doors to different locations as long as I mark the doorway. It also has a lush garden, an always full fridge, a servant who doubles as a law enforcer and trainer, and I can use my domain like Obito uses his Kamui. Oh, and, of course, I'm a god within my domain.

What does being a god mean? It means I make the rules. For example, I can decide that no one can lie within my space, which is perfect for interrogations.

Is it too much? No, it's not. I gave up my ability to use Chakra for this, and as a god in my domain, I could technically set everything up myself. But having Bailed do it for me was much more convenient—he's got the experience, and I don't.

Bailed thought I was nuts at first for asking for so many things. But when I explained that it's just a domain I control—a sub-dimension of my own—he came eventually around. It's like when you buy a kitchen, and the company throws in free installation as an added bonus.

After some back-and-forth, he was happy just to get it over with.

For my next wish, I asked for all the powers of the Seven Sins from *Fullmetal Alchemist*, along with the ability to use alchemy and all the knowledge that comes with it.

But Bailed was like, "Yeah, about that…" while shaking his head. "That's a bit much. How about no?"

What followed was another exhausting round of negotiations, where I played the part of the annoying customer trying to haggle at a flea market. "Come on! Just think of the potential!" I whined. "Imagine the chaos I could unleash! It would be legendary!" Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he agreed—mostly because I threatened to wish for all of Father's powers instead.

Seriously, I was already making concessions. Why make it harder than it needed to be? We settled on me getting the powers of the Seven Sins, the ability to use sealing techniques instead of alchemy, and I could recharge my life force by killing people.

"Great!" I thought, "Except for the whole 'having no Chakra unless I'm sealing' thing. But hey, small price to pay, as far as I'm concerned."

My last wish—the pièce de résistance of my genius—was an Inventory System!

The Inventory System was nothing short of brilliance, but Bailed had to nerf it because, apparently, it was just too genius for him to handle.

Here's how it works: the Inventory comes with three functions, aka powers—[Analyze], [Duplicate], and [Upgrade].

I can toss in materials to break them down for analysis, duplicate them, or upgrade them into something better. Sounds amazing, right? But of course, Bailed had to ruin it by limiting my slots and forcing me to buy extra slots with money.

I was like, "Really?" throwing my hands up in frustration. "So, what do I get? Four measly slots to start? Is this a joke?"

"Life itself is a joke, my young friend," Bailed replied, taunting me with a chuckle. "Welcome to the 'real' world!" He had the audacity to throw that in my face.

"Ugh," I groan, even now when I think about it. But I'm over it. I won't let one tiny setback defeat me.

"Hahahaha!!!" I laugh to myself, imagining a future where I'm the richest man alive.

As I walk down the street, there's one constant thing that pisses me off, and now I understand why Sakumo decided to end it. These people are all bastards.

"Oh look, it's Jin Uchiha, the retard of the Uchiha Clan!" An old man points at me, his eyes gleaming with schadenfreude.

"Rude old bastard," I mutter under my breath as I head toward the Uchiha complex. Why do all these people—especially old people—think they can say whatever they want? It's like they have a license to be rude just because they're ancient farts now.

As I finally reach the Uchiha complex, I take a deep breath and mentally prepare myself for the maltreatment that surely awaits me inside.