XVII- Never Been a Choice

March, the start of spring, the season for new love blooming, but for me it is the time for love decaying.

I finally realized love and yet I realized it too late and it is only left me heartbroken.

I sit down at the shore, open a can of beer and take sip while feeling the cold breeze of spring.

'Do I love him?'

That question which lingers in my mind for a very long time...

I thought it was just something that can only be answered as No, I just care for him as a friend and just like a little brother but it in the end I finally reached a very different answer, it is a Yes, I do love him from the very start, more than a friend or a family.

That strange feeling I had when I first knew that he was not straight and have a boyfriend was a mixed of jealousy and hope. I realized that time that being together with him will be possible and at the same I feel envy towards that guy whom he loved.

The anger I felt back when I saw Nao crying from his breakup made me think that if only I was the one he chose, he will never suffer and cried like that.

I dedicated my whole life supporting and protecting him thinking that it is all for his sake but the truth is I am doing all of this all for my own sake, for my own satisfaction, for my own obsession towards him.

The reason I got so irritated when I first saw that brat named Kazuya isn't because I'm afraid he'll hurt Nao, instead it is because I was afraid that they will fall for each other.

From the moment I set my eyes to that brat, I knew it, I knew the probability even without having any ability that they'll match each other. I have known Nao for a very long time and I understand everything including his gestures, mannerisms and even his type.

I knew that this day will come but I didn't even prepared myself because I never knew that it will hurts like hell. The pain of seeing him falling for someone else all over again is like having a thousand needles piercing through my heart.

If only I become honest to myself from the very start, maybe this story can turn into another novel but now it's too late. I can feel that they are really meant for each other and I don't want to interfere and break his happiness and so I promised to myself that I should just keep my feelings for Nao lock within me forever.

I drink the last can of beer I bought and then stand up went back in my car when I saw my phone I left in my seat that is still ringing.

Nao is still trying to talk to me. I take a deep breath and finally answered his call.

"I'm glad you finally answered. About what happened in my clinic, I'm very sorry about it. I didn't mean to hide from you, I just don't have the right timing to say it. I'm sorry if it makes you feel awkward listening the flirting of two guys in a room. Sorry."

"No it's ok." no it's not. "I'm just in a hurry a while ago." in a hurry to run from reality. "You don't have to worry about it, I already accepted who you are." I just can't accept the fact that why you never put me in your choices.

There are a lot more words I wanted to say but I stop myself from spilling my feelings for him.

I stared at myself from my rear view mirror and watch the face of a liar as he fake a smile while on a verge of tears.

Our call ended with a normal conversation as if everything is back to normal.