416. Romance and a Fake Vat of Acid ~Vats Slaps~

Josuke stares at Suki, who stares at him back. "Yo."

"Yo!" Suki yelled back. "Suki likes fries!"

"Suki, this was supposed to be a staring contest," said Josuke, as he blinks. "DAMN IT!!!"

"Dammit!" Suki yelled back.

"Shit!" thought Josuke. He spoke, "Don't swear, Suki. That was my bad. I'm sorry, but you shouldn't swear."

"You just swore again!"

"K-... Well-!"

Finn and Yoshiko enter the mansion with the kids: Mint, Jay, and Bonnie.

"Finn, I didn't agree to this!" yelled Josuke.

"We'll take the second floor," said Finn.

"What!?" asked Josuke. "I installed the extra floors for our work! HEY!!!"

"We'll pay rent! Don't worry!"

"Annionghaseyo! Nanen 3 tsngeul cuhal gutipnida!" smiled Lady Rainicorn, entering the gate.

"No, you cannot just barge in here and take the third floor!" yelled Josuke.

"We'll be fine!" yelled Jake. "We'll pay rent!"

"Meow!" Gary crawls in.

"GARE BEAR!!!" Spongebob picks up Gary and runs to his room.

Patrick is holding a familiar rock. "What a weirdo, huh? Sheesh! Anyway, this is Rocky! He'll be staying with us in the fish tank!"

"I have no family..." said Gumball.

Darwin and Carrie along with their 300 ghost guppies enter the room and fly upward.

"Hey, Josuke!" smiled Darwin. "Bye, Josuke! We'll pay rent!"

Josuke stays silent while he frowns and stares at the others walking upstairs.

"Daddy, that's horrifying..." said Suki.

"What!?" asked Josuke.

"Mutilating your friends is mean..."

"Shush!" Josuke covers her mouth.

Gabby and Anne silently watch television. 

Miguel, meanwhile, reads the online newspaper. "What the fuck!? Anne... Did you sign a contract with Sanchez to use his Fake Vats of Acid to lessen the possibility of the Jokers in our reality!?"

"It's a pretty good idea!" yelled Anne.

"No, it's not! Out of the 20 Vats in each Ace Chemicals, literally, we'll lose around 5% of our Earth's acid!"

"I thought you were against development!?"

"I'm also against the Dreamsexuals finding a stupid way to cancel me! Now, let's go! Gabby, keep watching television!"

"Affirmative, father," said Gabby.

Miguel opens a portal and he and Anne leave Gabby.

Meanwhile...

"A stalker?"

"Yeah..." said Erina, looking around.

"Why the hell would anyone stalk-?"

Erina frowns.

"Sorry...How's life, I guess...?"

"Uh... I'm fine. I'm still single."

"So am I."

The pair stare silently at each other for a short second.

"So...?" asked Erina.

"So... What...?"

Erina frowns and looks back to her front.

"Wanna go out?" asked Josuke.

Erina's eyes widen and she turns to Josuke. 

"What...? Your heartbeat's faster. You okay...?" Josuke puts the back of his hand on her forehead.

"Yeah..." Erina, blushing softly, takes his hand off of her forehead. "I'm fine.Where do you wanna go?"

"Suki is with the others, so... I guess we could go for a bite.Interesting, because this is our first actual date where you don't try to kill me like last time... Especially when you worked for Toffee."

"You knew!?"

"I gained some of the other Kira's memories... But I wasn't as mad as before."

"I'm so sorry..."

"No, I get it... It was for Suki." Josuke smiled.

Erina sighs. "I've never actually been with anyone."

"Me neither. I guess it would be fun. I have a really good idea..."

Later...

"Mm!" smiled Josuke, eating three burgers. "Mm! Ooh!"

Erina laughed while eating three sets of fries and three sets of nuggets. "Krusty Krab, huh?"

"Yeah... Haha..." laughed Josuke. "Bikini Bottomite food has seafood-based food, though."

"Oh, shit. I'm allergic to seafood!"

"WHAT!? Oh, Geez! Uh... We need to call Erina... Wait... YOU'RE ERINA!!! Oh, Geez... Steven! We need to call-!"

Erina is smiling.

"Wh-...?" asked Josuke.

Erina bursts into laughter. "That was a joke!"

"Oh... Right. Hahahahaha!" laughed Josuke.

"You've grown taller," smiled Erina.

Josuke turns red for a second and brushes it off. "Well, duh... I'm a Prince. That's what Princes should do."

"Well... I always did see you as my Prince in shining dark armor..."

Josuke's eyes widen and he turns red.

Erina did so as well.

"Pfft... That was... c-cringe... That was... yeah..."

Erina looks down at her lap.

"So... Weather... pretty...!Pretty wonderful..."

Meanwhile...

Rick and Morty are building some sort of gadget. Rick is screwing the bolts while Morty is adding some sort of purple chemical.

A portal opens and Miguel and Anne walk out of it.

"Oh, shit... Anne! I told you that I didn't wanna sign it!" yelled Rick.

"Fuck you! You were the one who forced me!" yelled Anne.

"Don't listen to the woman, Miguel. It's a double standard to not take into account my own testimony."

"I can tell if you're lying, you son of a bitch," said Miguel.

"Oh, shit..." said Rick.

"Rick... What did you do now?" asked Morty.

"Nothing!"

"He made me sign the Fake Vat of Acid contract!" yelled Anne.

"What!?" asked Morty. "That idea was fucking stupid!"

"Remember what I did to you last time, you little shit!?"

"Yeah... And I'm smarter now, f-fuckface! I know that you're thinking of tricking me into using the fake time machine you invented where you make me travel through interdimensional realities in the Multiversal neighborhood and cause a massive Multiversal Genocide!"

Rick stares at Morty.

"D-Did I get it right?"

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you!" Morty leaves the room. "When you're beating the shit out of him, lock the garage door."

*SLAM!!!*

"Well!?" asked Miguel.

"Hey! Legally, you can't do anything because it says that you can't visit me in my dimension and beat the shit out of me!" yelled Rick.

"Anne?"

Anne kicks Rick in the balls. Anne keeps on beating Rick over and over.

"I can't beat the shit out of you on your Earth!" explained Miguel.

"Damn it! Who wrote this-!? MORTY!!!"

"Haha!" Morty laughed in the background.

"Your fault for not double-checking," said Miguel. Miguel speaks into his earpiece. "Disciples? Capture this piece of shit."

Later...

*click*

The lights turn on and Rick is shown to be tied to a chair.

"Well...?" asked Miguel.

"Why don't you just leave the beating to us...?" asked Celine. "Won't you technically be breaching the contract?"

"No. Because I'm the only one who he's afraid of."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Yes, you are!" Miguel flexes in front of Rick, which makes Rick flinch. "Fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck YOU!!!"

"FUCK. YOU!!!"

Miguel stares at Rick, and Rick stares at Miguel back.

Miguel flexes again and Rick flinches. "I want to sign off to a new deal. I want... your signature. I want in on the new... contract."

"What...?"

"No fake Vats on our Earth."

"Why!?"

"Because it's useless! There's a 5% chance that anyone would fall into that particular Vat in the first place out of all the Vats!"

"It's a good fucking idea! Think of it! 5 whole percent of fewer Jokers!"

"What...!? That just means there's a 95% chance there ARE Jokers!"

"Uh... Could I-?" asked Lei.

"Yes, Ate Lei?" asked Miguel.

"Yeah... I just have to say that he has a point..." said Lei.

"What!?" asked Miguel.

"I mean... we have 19 other Vats for each chemical plant..."

"Yeah. The economy's fucked up already after that anarchist bitch, MABUS, fucked our Earth over. I agree."

"Then... Why are you so scared that each only loses one Vat?"

"Oh, sure! And 5% of people in our nation... Literally, 200 million people wouldn't get Ace Detergent Solution."

"Sorry... You're the one who's good at math, after all..." said Lei.

"Yeah..." said Celine. "I mean, remember Ma'am Prickett?"

"Ugh..." Lei rolled her eyes.

"Don't worry. Just because I'm good at math doesn't mean I like it nor do I like bad teachers."

"Wait... I thought Asians were naturally gifted in mathematics...?" asked Rick.

"What the fuck!? That's racist!" yelled Miguel.

"Yeah!" yelled Lei. "What the hell, man!?"

"Dude..." Celine shook her head.

"We're... Asians...?" asked Anne.

"I was joking! Calm the fuck down!" yelled Rick.

"Sign this contract which renounces the original contract!" yelled Miguel.

"No," said Rick. "Go-Go Sanchez Poke-Ball Contingency!"

Nothing happens.

"Squid Portal Activate!" yelled Rick.

Nothing happens.

"Groin System 6000...? Bats-Cats Protocol! Love-And-MILF's-Death-Machine!What did you do!?"

"Science beats magic. However, Divine Magic destroys science, fuckface. I disabled everything with a spell designed to disable Class O cybernetic enhancements."

"There's a Class-O!?" asked Rick.

"In the TVA there is.SIGN-!!!"

*CRACK!!!*

"-THE-!!!"

*CRACK!!!*

"CONTRACT!!!"

*CRACK!!!*

"Aha How! My fucking balls! Groin System 6000-! Oh, right...Hey, Miguel!The guy who wants to use Divine Magic to let me go says 'What!?'"

"What!?"

Rick is magically let go as he punches Miguel square in the face.

Miguel's watch beeps. "Warning! Stats Accidentally Randomized! Warning!!!"

"Guys! Stop!" yelled Lei.

Lei and Celine try approaching the two men, but Anne stops them both.

"Exterminating timelines! Exterminating timelines!"

Miguel warps out his sticks and hits Rick over and over in the face. He strikes his face with his left hand, then his right, then his left, then his right, and he did this over and over as Rick spits out blood and kicks Miguel, but Miguel opens a portal to the area where he kicked and transferred the kick to his ass as he is lodged forward. Miguel then strikes him in the crotch.

Rick then runs upstairs.

"HEY!!!" yelled Miguel. Miguel opens a portal and walks in, but another portal is shot into his portal, causing the wormhole to implode and cut off Miguel's leg. "FUCK!!!" Miguel falls to the ground and bleeds as he tries regenerating his leg.

Rick, however, prepares to leave with his weird new portal gun made out of random tools from Miguel's shed.

Miguel opens a portal behind himself and puts his finger through it.

"What's wrong? Is the Smartest Man Alive scaring God?"

"I'm not God. And you're about to get fucked over."

"How?"

*tap tap!*

Miguel's finger taps his shoulder. Rick turns around and prepares to shoot only for Miguel to fully regenerate and hit Rick in the head, as he falls to the ground. "Sign it! Sign... It... SIGN IT!!! SIGN-!!! Oh, you're unconscious..."

Rick is unconscious on the ground, limp.

Meanwhile...

Josuke watches television with Erina, silently while Erina laid her head on his shoulder.

Josuke's eyes widen.

"I lied about the stalker. I just wanted to be with you."

"That's cool," Josuke said mundanely.

Meanwhile... in Josuke's head.

"OH, FORK!!! FRIGGIN' FORKING SHIRT BALLS!!! OH!!! OLE!!! OH, FRIGGIN' MCHOPPINS!!! GLUCKIN' GILMORE GALLAHAND GIRLS!!! A WOMAN'S HEAD IS GENTLY PLACED ON MY SHOULDER!!! HOLY FRACKING PORK MUTTON SANDWICH!!! FLIP ME A COIN!!! FLIPPIN' FLIP FLAPPIN' FLAPPER FRACKS!!! RUMPIN' BEAVER MASTICATING FLANGING MOISTURIZERS!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!!!"

Meanwhile... in reality...

Josuke stares at the television. "Moisturizers."

Erina laughs. "What the fuck?"

"Nothing. Flip."

Erina grabs Josuke's hand and puts it on her head. She blushes. "Do I have to do all the moves...?"

Josuke sighs. "No... No, you don't..."

Josuke softly hugs her.

"Heh..." laughed Erina. "You're scared? It's not like it's our first time."

"It's not..." said Josuke. He hugged her tight and faces her. He leans closer and kisses her. He pulls away. He kisses again. "Am I a bad person for reciprocating...? For... trying this...? For starting this...? "

Meanwhile...

"So... God the Father's a dude while Goddess the Mother, the Holy Spirit, is a dudette?" asked Anne.

"No. They're sexless," said Miguel.

"So..." said Lei. "You're sexless, too?"

"No... No, he's not," said Anne. "If you have a human form, your sex is assigned to your current body. Same with gender."

"I don't think it's the same as gender. Isn't gender the person you're attracted to..."

"No... God identifies as male and Goddess as female. But it was Goddess who technically impregnated Mother Mary with God," said Miguel. "Neither are attracted to anyone, so they're both Ace."

Everyone stays silent.

"What!?" asked all three.

"So... you're Ace...?" asked a saddened Anne.

"What!? No! And why do you look so sad!?" asked Miguel.

"Hmph..."

"I'm human, guys! I like development! I enjoy the Good Life while also masturbating every now and then like a hypocrite! I endure pain!" Miguel bashes his hand in the drawer next to him. "See!? Pain!" Miguel continues beating his hand in the drawer. "Ow! Haha! Pain is hilarious!"

Rick wakes up, slowly.

"Hey..." Miguel stops as there are knives stabbing his arm. "Well!?" He puts his hands (as well as the one with the stabbed arm) on his hips.

"Fine... I'll sign the stupid-..."

"BREAKING NEWS!!! SOMEONE JUST FELL INTO A VAT OF ACID IN GOTHAM CITY, THE UNITED STATES, BUT SURVIVED!?It was Monday evening and Johnny Jonathanson was working late when he slipped and fell into a Vat of Acid.After falling, he survived because he fell into the fake Vat of Acid. He then proceeded to slap a statue of Miguel Ibarra in the park to tell him what for after rejecting said invention.John Jonathanson?"

"I know to do what we do... We gotta be able to take... abuse... You gotta be able to have... people talk crazy about you... in this business, you gotta be able to have... people disrespecting you-..."

Miguel grabs the sides of his forehead. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"YEAH, HAHA!!!" laughed Rick. "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub! Suck-suck-suck my dick!!!"

"Fuck you, Emmett Brown-lookin' ass..." said Miguel.