396. JoJoGals Part I ~Justice~

Goddess stood before me.

Stop narrating!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Look! Why are you cornering me just now!?

Because you failed the Bechdel Test!

The what!?

The test is a measure of the representation of women in a story! You've failed it! Countless times, even! All the women are either talking to a man, their father, a variant of their father, or themselves about a man!

One time Anne fought a spider with the gals!

SILENCE!!!

Yes, Holy Spirit.

Now, I want you to write a good damned story about the female JoJos!

Why them specifically!?

They had adventures by themselves and were pretty badass while doing so! Go write about that!

How about the time when they fought an old opponent?

Sure! Write about that! Represent my symbolic sex in your universe, idiot!

Yes, Milady. Ahem...Okay...This is the story about how the JoJoGals fought... against...This universe's Enyaba.

But... we've never met this universe's Enyab-...

YEAH! Well, she existed the whole time!

Why... did you not include her here, then?

She was actually supposed to appear back in Part IV but I replaced her with Cassandra Beyonce.

What!? She has a cool Stand and everything!

Well... Sorry!? I... uh... well... I don't know! Cassandra was a more badass antagonist in my opinion!

She died!

Yeah? But she practically created The Reaper... Hm...? So, I thought she was alright.

Okay...? Just write this so my ex-wife would stop being angry at me!

Isn't your wife Mama Mary, now? Or something?

More like the woman I just chose to have a child with...

That's kinda messed up.

Eh... I'm God. I do what I want.

Gabrielle takes care of Mikaella, breastfeeding her.

"Ew!" yelled Shizuka, who passes by.

"What!?" asked Gabrielle.

"No! No offense! It's just that... What does it feel like?"

"I don't know... Like sex but weirder."

"That's your daughter," said Shizuka.

"Yeah... It's called an Oedipus complex. Deal with it!"

"That's not what that's supposed to mean, but okay..."

"Hey..." said Irene, walking into the scene. "We don't have an allowance for this week."

"What!?" asked Gabrielle and Shizuka.

"What!?" Yurielle asked in a distance.

"Apparently, the Jazz Fusion used our credit cards in... some cuisine venture or some shit..."

"So... we're poor for this week?" asked Yurielle. 

"I'm not going with egg and rice this week again," said Shizuka.

"Jesus Christ..." said Irene, facepalming.

Yurielle slaps her head over and over again.

"Still blood in there from the last battle?" asked Gabrielle.

"Yeah..." said Yurielle. "Supervillains are assholes for using sound weapons..."

"Yeah..." said Gabrielle, picking her ear as blood spurts out as well.

Everyone sighs.

"Now, what? We do what you guys do?"

"The Crusaders are out investigating some crap about the Dark Quartzes or whatever... So... Yeah! I'm free!"

"So... let's do an adventure!" smiled Shizuka. "What do you wanna do?"

"Uh..." said Gabrielle. "NARCOS!!! TAKE CARE OF OUR KID!!!"

"Sure thing!" Narcos yelled from upstairs.

Later...

Gabrielle, Shizuka, Yurielle, and Irene all stand in a circle reading updates of crimes throughout Maharlica.

"Here's one!" smiled Gabrielle. "Apparently, in the slums of Burnham, Earth-777, there's a mysterious Stand-User that puppeteers people."

"Oh, dear... That sounds like the profile of an evil businesswoman!" smiled Shizuka.

"Or... how about like an evil CEO of YouTube?" smiled Shizuka.

"YouTube's CEO is evil," said Irene. "The company itself cares more about bigger companies than its own creators. Pretty shit people, but a good place for entertainment."

"Or... Like your variant dad..." smiled Yurielle.

"What!?" asked Gabrielle. "How is Ibarra evil!?"

A few weeks ago...

"AHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHAHAHAHAHA!!! AHA!!! YOU, STUPID, UNADULTERATED, FILTHY, SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS ATHEIST!!! So... let me get this straight. You are so depressed and so self-hateful that you had to make a conspiracy theory that none of this is real and I'm a fucking hologram!?" asked Miguel.

"Y-Yes..." said the man.

"WELL... WELL... WELL!!! Here!" smiled Miguel, giving him a hug. "Welcome to Discipleship!"

"Whoa... You'd really recruit me even though I'm an atheist!?" smiled the atheist.

"Dude... Half of my Disciples were atheists! PUT IT THERE, GUY!!!" Miguel shakes his hand.

"Can I also ask something from you!?" smiled another woman.

"Sure thing! What's your deal?" smiled Miguel.

"I believe in feminism!" smiled the woman.

"Great!" smiled Miguel. "You don't hate men, though, right?"

"I believe in equality!" smiled the woman.

"That's great!" smiled Miguel.

"Hi, I'm a Dreamsexual!" smiled another man.

"Leave," said Miguel, immediately frowning. "Fucking... leave. Shit... Dream's here. HEY!!! FELIX!!! MARK!!! GET 'IM THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!"

Dream sobs as the 

Now...

"Dude..." said Gabrielle. "That story just proves my variant dad is protecting Dream..."

"Wait... Dreamsexual isn't a thing?" asked Shizuka.

"Ever since Twitter was killed... No..." said Irene.

"No. It was never a thing!" yelled Gabrielle. "It's about having a sexual attraction to a single person-... IT'S AN ATTRACTION CULT!!! YEAH!!! IBARRA INVENTED A WORD FOR THAT!!!"

"You just a doomer, sis," said Shizuka.

"Yeah... doomer..." said Irene.

"And the evil part actually happened after!" smiled Yurielle.

"What? What'd he do?" asked Gabrielle, Shizuka, and Irene.

Back then...

"I WILL SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF YOU!!! IF I EVER HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT PRAYING TO FUCKING DREAM OR IF YOU HARASS THAT MAN AGAIN!!!" Miguel whispers the Latin words, "Spatium, Tempus, Res, Virtus, Mens, Anima, Infinitum... (Space, Time, Reality, Power, Mind, Soul, Infinity)..." Infinity Stones form around his hand as he yells out, "I WILL SNAP THE FUCK OUT OF EVERY DREAMSEXUAL OUT THERE AND BRING THEM BACK AFTER 2 HOURS IN HELL!!! MIND, SOUL, AND BODY AND BURN IT IN HELL!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-!!!"

Note: The Snap Miguel's talking about is burning the Dreamsexuals' Mind, Soil, AND Body in Hell. Meaning they're alive in Hell... They won't die, but they'd be practically 'dying'... But they never die... Always in a cycle of constant burning... All day, every day. :D

Now...

"Okay... Fine... That's fucked up..." said Gabrielle. "But I kinda get it now why God hates it when humanity prays to other gods and does creepy shit and why he genocides races. Humans are pretty stupid... And by humans, I mean all of us..."

Exactly!

Dude... just...

Shush! Ex-... EXACTLY!!! Do you think ANYONE of us wants to be done like that!? I'm self-sacrificing here!

Geez...

Exactly! No! Those stupid infidels should just stop, okay!? STOP IT WITH THE CULTS AND THE SACRIFICES!!! IT'S NOT COOL, OKAY!?

Okay!

You guys are idiots!!! Okay!? Just let me DRILL it in there! I love you, alright? I love all of you! But sometimes the STUPIDEST SHIT EVER... ME!!! GEEZ!!! MYSELF...!!! HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT'S HAPPENING TO UKRAINE ON YOUR EARTH!? I WILL SUMMON JESUS IF I WANT TO!!! I SWEAR!!! I AM WARNING YOU, MEASLY HUMANS!!! JUST STOP KILLING EACH OTHER OR I WILL STRIKE ALL OF YOU DOWN!!! IDIOTS!!!

*CRASH!!! CRASH!!!*

Look... Calm down, there? Okay...? You good, now?

Yes... I just get so angry... They keep saying "Ooh! God's a genocidal dictator!" I AM NOT!!! I JUST DO IT BECAUSE YOU MADE ME!!! LOOK AT IBARRA!!! HE'S SO STRESSED, THE POOR BOY!!! I'M SURPRISED A FEW OF MY SONS DIDN'T EVEN KILL ANYONE!!! ME!!!

Yeah... Seriously though, Russia, pls stop hurting the Ukrainians. Also, keep it up, Ukrainians!

Yeah... whatever... *phew!!!*

There, there... Some of us do appreciate your work. Really.

Thank you! Me! You writing about me is a sin as well, y'know!?

Sorry... I just wanted to humanize you...

Wh-!? I. WAS. ALREADY. HUMANIZED. TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGOOOOOOOOOOOO-!!!

Back to the story...

"So... should we attack this puppeteer?" asked Shizuka.

"Sure!" smiled Gabrielle.

Later...

*vroom!*

The four women walk out of the CoolDudeBus into an evacuated barangay filled with several empty houses. Strange mist envelopes the area nearby.

They all breathe in the air.

*step... step... step...*

"Stone Free!" yelled Gabrielle and Irene, as their Stands are shot out.

"Achtung Baby!" yelled Shizuka, as her Stand is shot out.

"All the Way!" yelled Yuri, as her Stand Colony is shot out. "No. 1. No. 2. Patrol the area."

"Okay!" yelled No. 1.

"Yeehaw!" yelled No. 2.

The pair fly about and search the area.

Yurielle prepares her vibranium knives.

"Found it..." said a dark-skinned beautiful woman with silver hair. She takes something from the roof of the top of the building. She opens a portal and tosses the object inside the portal. She then closes it. The building is where Shizuka and Jotaro fought against DIO for the last time. She senses the four heroines near the CoolDudeBus. "They're here..."

On the ground, the four heroes walk around the evacuated barangay near Miguel's house.

"What's with the fog?" asked Gabrielle.

"ORA!!!"

*SPLAT!!!*

Gabrielle's Stone Free kicks Irene away.

Irene's Stone Free blocks Gabrielle's attack.

"Gabrielle!" yelled Irene.

"I can't-! Something's happening!" yelled Gabrielle.

Gabrielle's claws woge out and she claws at Shizuka, who turns invisible and disappears.

"I can't... Control... My... Body!" yelled Gabrielle.

Irene suddenly moves erratically, like a puppet, and her Stone Free attacks Gabrielle.

"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!!!"

Gabrielle blocks the attacks in terror.

Shizuka's Achtung Baby then punches a hole into Gabrielle's Stone Free.

"SORRY!!!" yelled Shizuka.

Gabrielle drops to the ground and she regenerates her chest. "Don't worry about it..." she wheezed.

Suddenly, all four of them are strung up as they floated toward the top of the building.

They face...

Enya.

She observes the four silently.

"So... you are the one who killed the one I admire..." said Enya. "Shizuka Kujo..."

"What...!? I... didn't k-k-k-kill... A-Anyone..."

"His name was Dio Brando..." said Enya.

"But you're f-from our-..." said Gabrielle. "I r-r-remember your f-file... You worked for Salvi."

"DIO is the true version of DIO. The DIO you killed, at least. But now, I've got what I wanted. However, the fact that you are here is rather... bothersome. How do you wish to die?" she sneered.

Shizuka squints her eyes. She observes that even though it isn't very cold, fog is still coming out of all of their nostrils.

Her eyes widen.

"Strangle us," said Shizuka.

"WHAT!?" asked the other women.

"What!?" asked Enya, whispering.

"Strangle us... Go on..." said Shizuka. "Do it."

"I'll just drop you," said Enya.

"Really, now?" asked Shizuka.

Shizuka holds her breath and she disappears.

"HEY!!!" yelled Enya.

"CHU~I!"

Enya is punched in the face. "GAH!!!"

The other women smile at each other.

They all hold their breath.

"HEY!!!" yelled Enya.

"ORA!!!"

"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA-!!!"

*THWAP!!! THWAP!!!*

Enya is stabbed in her arms and is beaten by the Stone Frees and Achtung Baby.

Suddenly, Gabrielle sees that as she walks, she moves erratically as well.

"Yurielle! Cover her mouth! Stop her breathing!" yelled Gabrielle.

Yurielle does so, and suddenly, Enya's legs go limp.

They then put a Stand-Destabilizer around her neck and she drops to the ground.

"You're... a paralytic," said Yurielle. "Your muscles don't work... You... have a spine injury..."

"My name is Enya Enyaba. I was a paralytic in the late 2020s around your Great-Grandfather's age. I was old and estranged, sitting in a wheelchair. One day, I met Bernardo Salvi, who soon became my lover despite how old I was. Back then, in a car crash, I lost my entire family and suffered a spinal injury. I am a Fuchsbau." She woges into a Fuchsbau then woges back to her human form. "So... he took pity on me. We often made love and bonded over the 1960s, which we both considered was the best time of the human era of reign over this world. I fell in love with all DIOs, as all DIOs, though slightly different, are all one and the same. You killing DIO pissed me off, so I wished to kill you...  But now... you have captured me..."

"What do you mean that you've got what you wanted?" asked Gabrielle.

"I meant that I got to see the last place where such a great man had died..." said Enya.

"He wasn't a man..." said Shizuka.

"Yes, he was. Your fathers, meanwhile... All your fathers are nothing more than a pool of dogshit that drowned him."

Shizuka's Achtung Baby grabs her by the neck and strangles her. "Take... it... back..."

"Shizuka..." said Gabrielle, patting her shoulder.

Shizuka lets go of Enya. "You're under arrest, bitch."

"Well...!" said Enyaba. "This? This isn't over. Toffee... The man I'm currently working for... He has a plan. And you might as well be too late.He already has Josuke's plan... He's taking the puzzle pieces one by one..."

"Why are you telling us this?" asked Irene.

"Because I don't need to work for him anymore... Like I said... I got what I wanted..."

Meanwhile...

Enya sighs, narrating in her head. "One day, you will return... My Lord..."

The bone is placed in Pucci's hand, who smiles in his cell while having a Stand-Destabilizer around his neck.

Meanwhile...

*CRASH!!! CRASH!!! SHATTER!!!*

*THWAP!!! TING!!! THWAP!!!*

"Someone call Gabrielle!" yelled Finn, whose legs are broken. "CRAP!!! Oh, Bjork... Fuck... Shit..."

Gumball has his back leaned against the wall while heavily bleeding in the arm. "Who the shit is this guy!?"

White-Face stands before them as he holds Josuke's decapitated arm. Josuke is on the ground, yelling in horror as he tries to restore his arm back.

Josuke is shrieking in agony as blood splatters all over the ground.

White-Face steps on Josuke's throat while he chokes in pain.

He stares at him.

"What the fuck are you supposed to be!?" asked Gumball.

Spongebob slaps his watch and calls-...

Meanwhile...

Narcos' watch starts beeping. 

"Huh...?" asked Narcos.