Missing Him

*Theia's Flashback*

"Theia?"

I looked up and saw Kuya Alec by the door. Tulak tulak niya yung wheelchair ko.

"Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap." Sabi niya. "Diba sinabihan ka namin na bawal kang pumunta dito mag-isa?"

"I'm sorry.."

"Halika na." He gestured the wheelchair. "Naghihintay sila Mommy."

I sighed and sat obediently.

As I looked around, napansin kong wala masyadong nagbago. I can still remember every bit of memory I have here. Mula sa pag-inom ko ng iba't ibang gamot hanggang sa pag-undergo ko ng iba't ibang tests.

Akala namin mahina lang yung katawan ko. But that wasn't the case.

I was born with DCM. Dilated Cardiomyopathy.

Our hearts supposed to pump the blood throughout the body right? Hindi yun nagagawa ng tama ng puso ko. In other words, mas mahina yung puso na meron ako kaysa sa ibang tao.

It all started in the amusement park. It's my 6th birthday and we had a party. I remembered running away from Ry while holding Charm's hand. That's the time when I collapsed and brought to this hospital.

Dahil gusto ko parin pumasok, pinayagan nila ako.

I had a stay at home nurse to check up on me and monitor my heart rate.

Maraming nagbago. Mabilis na ko mapagod at hingalin. I couldn't join any physical activities like I normally did before. Lagi narin akong may bantay kahit saan ako magpunta.

Everytime I collapsed, mas lumalala ang lagay ko at yun ang iniiwasan namin.

In 6th grade, there is this one time that I fainted after class. Ni wala akong ginawa na ikakapagod ko pero 2 days daw akong walang malay. When I woke up, umiiyak si Mommy sa tabi ko.

They said my condition was getting worse and there's a higher risk na hindi kayanin ng katawan ko yung medication.

I was so scared that I might die pero nung naalala ko si Mommy, I made up my mind. I stopped going to school and willingly told them that I'll undergo any therapy and treatments para gumaling.

Ayaw ko na siyang makitang umiyak ng ganun ulit.

The years passed by and I started to lose weight. Tulad nung sinabi ng doctor, lalong humina yung katawan ko.

Minsan gusto ko naring tumigil kasi sobrang sakit. Umiiyak ako tuwing gabi o kapag wala sila, iniisip kung bakit sa dinami dami ng tao, ako pa.

But it was the only way to live, so I did everything that I could to fight.

My birthdays were celebrated in my room and when I turned 14, I asked them if I could start learning again. Gusto ko ulit maging normal kahit papano.

Suki ako ng iba't ibang teachers na nagpupunta sa ospital araw araw. That's the reason why I decided to learn how to play an instrument.

Piano was my escape. It helped ease the pain I felt.

Never silang nagreklamo sa sitwasyon ko. They were always behind my back and never left me.

And now, we're back in this hospital.

I'm going to have my operation at sana, gumaling na talaga ako.

"Theia!" Niyakap niya ko agad. "Where were you? Pinapakaba mo kami."

"Mommy, don't worry too much." I patted her back. "Wala naman pong pwedeng mangyaring masama sa'kin dito."

"Nasa music room na naman yan, Ma."

"But baby, we already bought you your temporary piano." Sabi ni Daddy. "Don't you like it?"

"It's not that I don't like it." Yung piano kasi na yun, walang paa. Yung ipapatong mo pa sa legs mo. "Keyboard lang po kasi yun, Daddy."

"But it's the same." Sabi ni Kuya. "You can play well whatever type of piano you use anyway."

"It's not about the piano, Kuya." I told him. "I play para makalimutang may sakit ako. But how can I kung nandito lang din ako sa higaan ko?"

"Then what do you want, baby?"

"Let me play the grand piano please."

Nagkatinginan naman silang tatlo.

"If that's what you want baby, sige."

"On one codition, wag mo iiwan yang wheelchair mo." Sabi ni Kuya.

"But I can walk."

"No buts, baby." Sabi ni Daddy. "If you want to play there then take your wheelchair with you, got it?"

"Yes, Daddy."

I got a higher chance of seeing Nicole again.

"Kumain na ba kayo?"

"No. Umalis po kasi si Kuya kanina."

Ha! Ikaw na yung pagagalitan ngayon.

"Where did you go Alec?"

"Nasabi ko na ba pong dito rin naka-admit yung kapatid ni Naomi?" Tanong niya. "Pumunta po ako sa kwarto niya kanina."

"Kaya pala parang nakita ko si Dina kanina."

"Yes, they actually wanted to see you."

"Puntahan natin sila mamaya, Hon." Sabi ni Daddy. "Pero bumili na muna tayo ng pagkain ng mga bata."

"Sige." Sabi ni Mommy at tumingin siya sa'min ni Kuya. "Behave okay?"

Pagkalabas nila, binuksan ni Kuya yung tv at tinulungan niya akong lumipat sa kama.

"Kuya may kapatid pala si Ate?"

"Yup. Actually tatlo sila."

"Tatlo?"

"Uh huh." He nodded. "Remember that time when I told you na nahihirapan akong makisama sa lalaking kapatid niya?"

"Yup."

"Everytime we go out on a date, lagi niyang hinahatid sundo si Naomi."

"Really??"

"Yes." Medyo natawa siya. "I don't think he likes me."

"What's not to like? Napaka-perfect mo kaya." Sabi ko sabay tingin sa kanya mula ulo hanggang paa. "Isa kang perfect imitation ni Daddy with add ons."

Add ons? Parang zagu lang na may additional corn or pearls. Hahaha.

"I don't think so." Sabi niya. "But I'm letting him do what he wants kasi naisip kita. Kung sakali mang may lalaking magkagusto sa'yo at i-date ka, malamang ganun rin ang gagawin ko."

"Kuya, you don't need to worry." I told him. "That will never happen kasi wala namang magkakagusto sa taong tulad ko."

Tulad kong may sakit.

"Tulad mo? What's wrong about you?" He looked at me. "You are the most perfect little sister a brother like me could ever have."

He suddenly stopped and rolled his eyes.

Kuya doesn't like being cheesy unless si Ate ang pinag-uusapan.

He looks cute. My cheesy brother. Haha.

"Ang corny ha." Natatawa ako sa kanya.

"Don't you remember him?" Binalik niya yung topic kanina. "I think you saw him once though."

"Really? Kailan?"

"I introduced her to you diba?" Sabi niya. "Nasa Seattle's Best tayo at hinatid siya ng kapatid niya."

"I don't remember." Sabi ko. "Hindi ko yata siya nakitang lumabas ng kotse."

"Baka hindi nga." He said. "Wait, I have an idea."

"What?"

Kinapa niya yung bulsa niya and took out his phone.

"I think we took a photo kanina."

"Meron ba?" Tanong ko kasi biglang kumunot yung noo niya.

Umiling siya. "Hindi nga pala mahilig si James sa picture."

"James?" I think I heard that somewhere.

"Kapangalan niya si Tito, yung papa nila ni Naomi."

Baka nga sa kanya ko rin narinig yun.

"Here. May picture kami kasama ang little sister niya."

"Little sister?"

"Yes. The one I mentioned kanila Mommy." Inabot niya sa'kin nung phone. "Yung naka-admit rin dito."

The girl was sitting on a wheelchair. Katabi niya si Kuya at Ate. She looked really familiar.

Kamukha niya yung batang nasa piano room except nakabenda yung ulo niya dito.

"What's her name?" Feeling ko kasi siya 'to.

"Nicolette Amaia." Sagot niya. "Nicole ang tawag nila sa kanya."

"Nicole?"

He nodded.

"Kuya, anong apelyido ni Ate?" Tanong ko. "Go ba?"

Tinitigan niya ko. This felt so weird.

"Yes. Naomi Janette Go." Sabi niya. "Paano mo nalaman?"

"Anong pangalan nung kapatid nilang lalaki?"

One last question to confirm everything.

"James Na--"

Nagkasabay kami sa pagsabi kaya napahinto siya.

"James Nathaniel ba?" Tinuloy ko. I need to know kung siya nga yun. "James Nathaniel Go?"

"Yes. But how?" Halatang nagulat siya. "Do you know him?"

How can the world be so small?

Sobrang liit nito para magkita ulit ang dalawang taong di naman talaga magkakilala.

Destiny is playing and he decided to play with us.

***

Umupo ako agad pagkamulat ko and when I touched my face, basa na naman 'to ng luha.

I badly miss him.

Puro alaala nalang yung natira sa'kin.

Mga alaalang iniwan niya.

"Theia?"

It was Charm's voice.

When I looked up, she's in her pajamas.

"Bessy, what's wrong?" Umupo siya sa tabi ko and patted my back. "Is it another nightmare? It wasn't real, Theia."

Hindi narin ba totoo yung mga nangyari sa'min?

Agad kong pinunasan yung luha ko.

I need to stop crying.

"Kanina ka pa?"

"Halos kakauwi ko lang." Sagot niya sabay higa sa tabi ko. "Inayos pa kasi namin yung steps."

"How was it?"

"Exhausting. Hindi kasi dumating yung choreographer na dapat magtuturo kanina." She said. "Kaya impromtu lang yung steps na nagawa namin. Buti nga natapos namin buohin yung sayaw bago umuwi para maituro na next week."

"Anong sayaw ba?"

"Waltz."

"Sinong partner mo?"

"Pauwi na naman si Gab in two weeks." Sagot niya. "He'll join us as soon as he comes back."

"Sa wakas makikita ko narin si Gabby." I smiled. "By the way, sinong kapartner ko?"

Her eyes widened habang nakatitig sa'kin.

"..."

Hindi naman siguro diba?

Pero yung tingin niya, parang sinasabing siya nga.

"Si Nate?"

She nodded.

"Sinunod yung seating arrangement na pairs e." Sabi niya. "Bukod dun, kayong dalawa lang yung wala kanina. Kaya automatic partners kayo.."

Makakayanan ko ba siyang harapin pagkatapos ng nangyari? And as partners?

Iniisip ko palang na ganun ako kalapit sa kanya, kinakabahan na ko.

"I'll talk to Ms. Ces." She said. "Maybe we can exchange partners para hindi ka mahirapan.."

"No. Wag na."

"Are you sure?"

Sa totoo lang, hindi.

But I need to deal with him on my own.

"Basta sabihin mo lang kapag nahirapan ka. Gagawan natin ng paraan, bessy."

"I will."

"I'll close the lights, okay?" I just nodded.

I turned around and stared at the ceiling.

"Bessy?"

"Hmm?"

"Pwede mo ba ko samahan bukas?"

"Sure. Saan tayo pupunta?"

Humarap ako sa kanya.

"Gusto ko siya makita.."

"..."

Hindi ko mapigilang maluha ulit.

I really missed him.

Parati siyang nasa tabi ko noon, pero ngayon sobrang layo niya sa'kin.

"Please..?"

Tinitigan niya ako ng matagal na parang may hinahanap sa mga mata ko.

"Alright, pero sasabihin natin kay Kuya ha." Sabi niya. "Baka kasi magalit siya sa'tin e."

"Wag na.."

"Pero--"

"Please, Charm?" Sabi ko. "I promise hindi ko siya lalapitan. I just want to make sure he's okay."

She was silent for a moment.

"Sigurado ka bang hindi ka lalapit sa kanya?"

"Yes."

"At walang makakaalam na pinuntahan natin siya?"

"Yes."

Napabuntong hininga nalang siya.

I'm sorry, Charm.

Sorry pinapahirapan kita.

"I'm going to make an excuse para makaalis tayo but we'll be quick." Sabi niya. "And you have to do exactly as I say, okay? Ayaw kong mag-away kayo."

"Yes, I promise." Niyakap ko siya. "Thank you, bessy. Thank you kasi nandito ka."

"Of course, Theia. I will always be here for you."

******