Chapter 19: King Kai’s Requirements

"Jokes? Why does it matter whether or not I'm good at telling jokes?"I questioned.

Why did he want a stand up special at a time like this? My priority was earth. Was this some weird character trait of his that I forgot about over the years or something?

"Do you want to get to earth or not?" He mumbled, seemingly irritated.

"I mean, I do… and I will get there. I was just curious as to why me telling jokes has anything to do with me getting home."

At my words, King Kai washed his hand over his face in frustration, as if I was the issue.

"Ugh… stop being a skeptical prick and just say something funny. It fulfills one of the requirements for you to learn my technique."

"Telling you a joke… is gonna give me teleportation."

For some reason, this situation was starting to feel kinda familiar. It was like I was being hit with a little bit of dējuvō for some reason.

While I implored to go on, he was getting irritable.

"God. Do you just have a thing for frustrating people? Come up with a joke so you can save the universe already! It's literally the least you can do. I'll have you know that people from all over the universe would start wars for this chance I'm giving you." He said rather dramatically.

"…Wars, huh?"

"*sigh*"

"such an ass. Fine. You want me to tell you why, then I'll tell you… I'm a Kai. And not a young one either. And like I said earlier, with living such a long life, working 24/7 loses its novelty after a while. So to avoid going insane, I like to pick up hobbies like learning about earth cars… or watching anime. I used to have a thing for botany too, but planting orchids really loses its purpose when I can create life at pretty much the snap of my fingers."

His statements made my ears perk up. Although I could now blow up planets with ease, realistically speaking, my mentality was still relatively grounded in reality. Hearing what King Kai said flipped that on its head.

"Wait… hold on. You can create life? You mean just plants, or like… People." I asked with genuine interest and intrigue.

I presumed a Kai's duty was to observe and report on the things that happened around the universe, only intervening in the mortal realm when it was absolutely necessary. My only point of reference when it came to Kais doing their jobs was from watching cartoons.

I mean… When I looked at it objectively, It made sense that their entire obligation couldn't be encapsulated in 30-minute increments. With that lingering thought, it reminded me that physically being in this world was gonna constantly surprise me.

At the moment, I didn't know a lot about the inner workings of the universe. I understood why he had been calling me a kid this entire time. Counting both of my lives together, my experience didn't come near his. The same could be said for many others I would probably meet in the future.

"Well duh! No offense cause you didn't know any better, but creating life is kinda mandatory for my position. It's all in the God handbook."

"There's a handbook?" I asked in surprise?

"No, you dummy. Ever heard of an expression before?"

"...And just how the fuck was I supposed to know that? Most of the people on my planet don't even think that gods are real, so I'm sorry that my mother's education regimen didn't teach me about theology." I spat in irony.

"Don't worry, my child. I am a forgiving God after all. I understand that my son is but-a ignoramus. A subjectively innocent… plebeian, ignoramus." He said with a gentil and understanding smile, but I could tell by the corners of his mouth that he was trying to hold in a laugh.

"Ha. You dick." I smiled for the first time since waking up. The guy was actually kinda funny.

"*cough*"

He then cleared his throat in an attempt to cover up his laugh.

"Now that isn't how a mortal child should talk to his creator, but since I'm so perfect and generous, I'll let it slide."

"Ha. Perfect, my ass. That halo on your head says otherwise." I retorted, which caused his eyebrow to twitch.

"Oh, you little mother… be the bigger man north. Be the bigger man. Don't let him get to you."

He uttered, gritting his teeth. He then took a deep breath, rolling his eyes and changing topics.

"Anyway, because of my skill set, I'm one of the four great cardinal directions. If you didn't know already, I'm north; the strongest out of the four." He boasted, readjusting his glasses.

"I knew that you were the Northern Kai, just nothing else. For instance, I didn't know that you could…Ya'know, spawn people into existence."

"Well, it's not like I can just do it whenever I feel like it. There are rules to these types of things I mean, although I'm high up in the divine corporate ladder, I still have superiors that won't let me put this thing into sandbox mode. And by thing, I mean the universe. All I'm really supposed to do is plant the seeds of life."

"What do you mean by seeds?" I questioned.

"For example, I'm only really allowed to make bacteria and fungi on newly formed celestial bodies. I'm not really permitted to make full-on beings from scratch. Instead, I just gotta kinda sit back and wait for evolution to happen."

"I mean… this may sound like a dumb question, but what's wrong with outright making people? Why aren't you allowed to do that?" I asked, to which he replied, holding up his chubby blue index finger.

"It's not a dumb question. You're just curious... For one, if I was hypothetically allowed to create a being, I'd also have to make extras. Focusing my attention on one being would be considered divine favoritism. An act that's punishable by forced retirement. And I couldn't just make 2 or 3 people of a certain race, otherwise, things start to get weird real quick."

"What do you mean by…weird?" I asked. Without a second of hesitation, he responded bluntly.

"Incest… There would be a loooooot of incest. I'm talking people having brother-cousins and sister-wives. And oh boy, is it an ugly sight. Before you know it, people start to grow arms and eyes in places they're not supposed to. Or they'd start to lack them."

"Gross." I mumbled.

"Brother. You don't know the half of it. Anyway, if I went through a couple of loopholes and began creating my own race, it would be waaaaay too labor-intensive. I'd have to create at least a million of them to start off with. Then, I would basically have to mold each organism from my imagination, making sure that their body structure aligns with the physics of their home world… Which I would also have to create, by the way."

He then put another finger up.

"Reason number 2; I would literally have to build their souls which would effectively be a blueprint to their personalities, attitudes, and other traits. If I skipped out on that step, it would be the equivalent to having a computer with no hardware inside of it. Just an empty bag of meat." He then raised one more finger.

"Reason number 3; I'd have to make an entire food chain based around them in order to prevent mass cannibalism. I mean, I could make a race like the Namekians who only survive on water and optionally asexually reproduce, but making beings that complex would take 10s of thousands of years. As a Kai, my other job is to observe, not to babysit." He continued.

"Now if I decided to say screw it all and made a super species, they would jeopardize the universe. Or they'd kill themselves off in a matter of months because I screwed up and made them too smart. With working with bacteria and fungus, everything is just so much easier to control."

"I know we're speaking in hyperbolics right now, but what's stopping you from disobeying the rules and trying to do just that? Who's stopping you from getting power-hungry and turning against all the other Kais?"

The reason I asked my hypothetical was because I knew of a Kai who acted the way I had just described in my past. I wasn't sure if he existed in this reality, but I planned on preparing for him when the time came.

"Well, if I decided to go all crazy… if any one of us in a position of power decided to go awol, really… A purple cat with baggy blue pants and an earring would blink us out of existence without a moment of hesitation."

"...That cat that you're talking about… Can you tell me more about him?" I already knew who he was. I knew his role. And I knew that I would more than likely one day meet him, so I needed to collect information on him. For my own protection, mostly.

For my safety, I had to consider the possibility that one day, someone might slip-up and mention my past. Once that information was brought to light before Beerus or his guardian angel, I had to say goodbye to my existence.

"His name?" King Kai then thought to himself for a moment.

"Ah… I guess there's no rule saying I can't say anything about him. I know that law book like the back of my hand." Nodding to himself, he looked up at me.

"His name is Beerus. And he's the God of destruction. And don't you dare tell Goku about him. I know that jackasses will probably try to fight him or something stupid. He's not someone to be screwing around with."

To his words, I nodded my head.

"Lips are sealed." I retorted, motioning that my lips were zipped shut with my fingers.

"Good. We already have enough to worry about with one psycho unsealed. Anyways, I got off-topic. I was talking to you about comedy, right?." He said, putting his arms behind his back.

"Yeah. You were."

"Then let me make this brief. Trunks… I like comedy. It makes me happy and fills me with joy. I mean, I know deep down that it's only a temporary high, but so is everything else in the universe. Everything is always so serious. Comedy reminds me that it doesn't always have to be."

"…"

"…"

He meant the words that had come out of his mouth held each one close to his heart. I could tell just by the tone of his voice.

"…Damn."

I voiced with surprised eyes. I didn't expect such a macabre response from him, yet, here we were. Although he nagged a lot, just from this conversation, I could tell that he was a smart individual. He may have yelled and complained a lot, but I could tell that it was because he had seen a lot. And to be fair, I wasn't one to talk when it came to people complaining.

"Yeah… That's what my life is in a nutshell. It's a lot, being a Kai. But… It has its upsides too. Now that I'm done with that little monologue, make me laugh, damn it."

He smiled.

"Well, what kinda joke do you want? Something simple and sweet? Something cheesy? What type of-" Before I could finish, he interrupted.

"Give me the cheese! Yes! That's the good stuff. Dad jokes, if you have'em." He said with excitement.

Honestly, I was a bit surprised at how amped he got. The fact the he said dad joke's specifically was really telling of just how much Earth media he consumed on a regular basis.

"Dad jokes… I can do Dad jokes." I uttered.

"Then lay'em on me, Kid. I'm ready when you are."

He said smiling and pumping his fist.

"Okay… lemme see… Oh! I got one. What kind of factory makes products that okay in quality."

For a moment, King Kai paused. Then glared at me behind his shades with a frown on his face.

"*Sigh*"

"You're gonna say a satisfactory, aren't you? I already know that one. Be original, ya bozo." He demanded waving his hand at me.

"Well shit. I guess I gotta step my game up then."

I didn't get mad at him. I honestly was just surprised at his reaction. He wasn't as easy as I thought to crack.

"Alright-alright. How about this one?"

[***]

"HAHAHA! Stop! You're gonna kill me!"

King Kai cried with laughter while rolling around on the floor.

"You gonna teach me the skill now?"

I asked.

Sitting up and wiping tears from his eyes, King Kai nodded his head.

"Oh man, was that dark. Yeah kid. I'll teach you the technique, even though what you said was more on the lines of being racist rather than a dad joke. Like, really really racist. But, I'll let it slide. It was still funny." He then composed himself, standing up and pointing at me, a white beam shot out of his fingertip, enveloping my torso.

In an instant, I was wrapped up in a Gi that looked similar to the people who trained under master Roshi, but mine was black and yellow instead of the classic orange and blue.

But, upon analyzing my new wardrobe, I became slightly alarmed when I realized that my red bandana had disappeared from around my neck.

"Hey! Where's my-"

Interrupting my panic, King Kai pulled it from behind his back.

"Looking for this?" He asked, passing it to me. It looked like it had been repaired while all the dirt seemed to be removed from it.

"T-thank you for fixing it up." I said, grabbing it and warping the bandana around my neck.

"Of course. Now, before you ask, it's exactly the same as it was before. I just put a couple of durability spells on it so you probably don't have to worry about it tearing or getting it dirty anymore."

"I appreciate that."

"No problem. It's the least I can do for my new student. Now, I already calculated the amount of time it should take you to learn the Kai Kai, which should be about a year, give or take, so it's best we get started impatiently. What do you say we go let the others know you woke up, kid?" To his words, I nodded.

A year… It was a lengthy amount of time. I didn't have much of that at the moment. Earth was on the verge of being sold to a third party. I couldn't allow that to happen.

I had to kill Bojack as soon as possible. He had access to the Dragon Balls, enslaved people, and injured my dad. If I wanted everything to return to normal, I had to learn to teleport as soon as possible. And I was going to do that by turning a year into 4 months. Not a day longer.

With a new resolve within me, I walked out of the room along with King Kai.

*

*

*

Walking outside of the house, I instantly drew the others' attention.

Yamaha and Goku stopped fighting mid-clash. Tien, Krillin and Chiaotzu stopped observing. All eyes were on me and King Kai, including the eyes of Bubbles and Gregory, who still seemed to be rather hostile towards me.

"Hi guys… Uh. Long time no see."

I waved uncomfortably. For a moment, they all looked at me in confusion, but then, the atmosphere suddenly shifted when Goku put his fingers on his forehead and teleported beside me with instant transmission.

"*Pop*"

"Trunks! Long time no see buddy! Well… I seen you already since I did kinda bring you here, but you get the point."

Goku voiced cheerfully, slapping my back 3 times with a surprising amount of force.

It was like he had forgotten that I was the reason he had the halo above his head. I could sense emotions through Ki, yet I couldn't sense any malice or resentment within him. His aura… It was the exact same as when I had first met him. I couldn't lie, it was throwing me off with how easygoing he was.

It wasn't like the others had any animosity toward me, they were just a little surprised at my intervention. Goku was probably just… A little slow… Or maybe he was just a little fast. I couldn't really tell at this point.

The others, on the other hand, were more surprised to see me after so long… Except for one particular person who looked a lot different than I remembered.

"So? How was the nap, Scar?"

Krillin asked, getting up from his sitting position and walking towards me.

"Well… I feel good as new."

I uttered in response.

"Good to hear." Krillin smiled, holding his fist out. Dapping his knuckles, he nodded his head in affirmation.

Tein then made his way toward the rest of us while Yamcha isolated himself, descending from the sky and leaning underneath King Kai's tree.

Yamacha… He wasn't quite like I remembered him. His hair was far wilder. His Gi, it was like mine, but orange and black. He also had a full-grown beard which was kinda hard to understand the logistics of considering he was dead. Above all, his aura… It was cold. His hatred almost felt tangible. Strangely enough, it was geared towards me, as was his eyes.

'Oh… He reeeally doesn't like me.'

I thought as he stared me down. He then broke eye contact then stared up into the sky.

"As you can see, a lot has changed since you were out. I'm sure King Kai told you about Bojack, right?"

Tein asked while Chiaotzu floated beside him.

"Yeah… He did. I'm sorry I wasn't there to stop him. If I was, you guys wouldn't be here right now in the state that you are."

Krillin then shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't worry about it, bud. What matters is that you're here now and that you're alive. Once Goku teaches you his teleportation ability, you could go to Namik and wish us all back. After that, we should be able to take back earth if we all work together." He said with a glint of conviction in his eyes.

"Yeah! We gotta show that bastard what's what!"

Chiaotzu added.

"You can say that Again." Tein chimed.

"Once we learn each other's skills, we can get rid of this Bojack guy." Goku said, cracking his knuckles.

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"Not so fast, Goku." King Kai announced, making his presence known.

"Huh?" Turning around, Goku glimpsed at King Kai who had a smirk on his face.

"First, aren't you gonna welcome your fellow disciple?"

"Fellow, what now?" Goku vocalized, visually confused. That was when they all took notice of my clothes.

"Wait a minute. Trunks! When did you get a Gi just like ours?" Goku asked.

"Goku, I don't think the Gi is what you need to be paying attention to." Krillin chuckled, turning around and pointing at the logo on his back.

"..."

Goku then looked at me, then Krillin, then me, then Krillin again. Then, he finally took a glimpse at my back, seeing that the kanji was identical.

"No way! You're King Kai's student too? Cool."

He said, slapping my back 3 more times hard enough that I winced in pain.

"Haha. I am. So cool and funny right? Haha. But Goku…" I uttered, gritting my teeth.

"Huh?"

"If you slap my back one more time, I'm punching you in the face with full force." At my words, Goku slowly took a few steps back and nervously laughed while Krillin giggled.

"Ha. Sorry about that. I got a little stronger since you were sleeping." Goku said, scratching the back of his head.

"Not just him, all of us. We're much stronger than we used to be. This past year, we've been training like crazy. We might even be stronger than the androids you and Trunks were talking about." Tien stated with confidence.

"I'll say. I can probably take them on my own now. Whatcha think, Trunks?" Goku smirked.

It was obvious that all of them had trained hard while I was away. They were a lot stronger than they once were. King Kai had obviously played a role in their respective journeys. The thing was, it wasn't enough for the oncoming threats, let alone the present one.

"Want me to be honest?" I asked the crowd.

"Yeah! Lay it on us! We're stronger than them, right?"

Chiaotzu asked with enthusiasm.

"... If you guys were to face them individually, You'd all end up here again. From what I can sense, Goku is the only one who stands a chance. It'd be tuff for him though."

"Sweet!" Goku spouted jumping up in the air, but as he came down, he realized he was the only one celebrating.

"..."

"I mean… Darn." He uttered, quickly changing his facial expression after realizing that the others were dejected about the news they had received.

"Dumbass." King Kai mumbled.

"Hey! I heard that." Goku complained, snapping his head at King Kai who pretended like he didn't say anything and began to whistle.

"Thanks, Goku. A team player as usual." Krillin said with slanted eyelids.

"I didn't mean it like that, guys. I promise. I just got a little excited."

"While we got a little bit depressed." Tien remarked.

"Don't worry guys, you still have time to catch up." Goku Cheered which only slightly made them feel better.

"Alright, you guys. Enough of the chitchat. Trunks…or Scar… Whatever you guys call him, he's awake now. That means more Training. It's almost time to take your planet back. There's been a slight change in the program though. From now on, with your weighted clothing in, you're all gonna be facing off against Trunks in increments of an hour 3 times a day. All together too. Including you, Yamacha!" King Kai declared, cupping his hands.

Yamcha then began making his way toward us, not even bothering to make eye contact with me.

All of them looked confused, especially Goku, who I could tell wanted to fight me from the moment I stepped foot outside.

"Now, I know you're all curious as to why I'm making you fight him, and it's for 2 reasons. The first is that he's stronger than you all, even with all of you being at the level that you managed to reach."

"Reason number 2 is that I'm training him as another one of my students. Now I know that 2 of you aren't my students, but I don't care. It's your fault for not being funny. You're on my planet, so you live by my rules." He said, specifically aiming his glare toward Tien and Chiaotzu.

Knowing their position, they both wordlessly nodded, prompting King Kai to continue.

"Trunks' first lesson is honing his mind. So for his training, he's gonna focus on his mental fortitude. Concentration is gonna be his main priority because that step is necessary to utilize the teleportation technique that I'm gonna teach him."

"What? King Kai! Trunks, was supposed to learn instant transmission from me. Then, he was gonna teach me his shield thing." Goku pouted.

"It's called the Adephagia shield." I voiced.

"See? He was supposed to teach me the Adagia." Goku complained.

"I mean, I can still teach you. From the looks of it, we'll only be fighting 3 times a day. We'll most likely have free time in between." I replied.

"Oh no you won't. Because you'll be honing your mental discipline. You won't eat, you won't move, you won't stand, unless I tell you to, mister." King Kai said, poking my ribs.

"But King Kai!"

"No, Goku."

"But-"

"No means no. Learn that whatever shield after Trunks saves you all." To King Kai's rejection, Goku slouched his shoulders like a kid who was just informed that he couldn't go to Disneyland. Before he moved on, I felt the need to correct him.

"It's the Adeph-"

"No one cares about that dumb name, Trunks. Now get away from my house and get beat up." King Kai interrupted before I could finish.

"...Screw you, bug man." I tiffed.

"Whatever, monkey boy. Also, before you leave, everyone here is allowed to transform except for Trunks." He returned with a smirk.

***

It didn't take a long time for us to get to the other side of the planet. When we did, we saw King Kai manifest out of thin air the same way that Goku did when he teleported… No. When Goku teleported, he left an afterimage. When King Kai did it, he just… Appeared into existence.

"Oh? You guys finally made it, I see."

He uttered.

Hundreds of feet in the air, there was a strange blue cube with a weird metallic square formation at its base.

"If you were just gonna teleport here, couldn't you have just brought us with you?" This time, it was Yamacha who spoke up. And when he did… It was different.

He had no emotion in his voice. No longer did he sound goofy or uncertain of himself. From the way he walked to the cold dead look that he had in his eyes… Nothing about it said Yamcha.

"Well, that's because I had to make the combat arena." King Kai spoke.

"That looks a little small to be considered an arena, don't you think?" Tein spoke. That was when King Kai smirked, readjusting his glasses.

"That's because you haven't seen it up close."

Before anyone else could say another word, we all transported inside of the dome.

All of us were surprised. The area… It had strange hexanol patterns on the floor while the walls; whatever magic King Kai used to make it made it look like we were in outer space.

As we all looked around in awe, King Kai puffed his chest out.

"I know, I know. I'm amazing. Go on. You can grovel in my glory a little if you want to. I don't mind. I'm just a humble little-"

"Garden gnome?"

"*snort*"

The others tried to hold in their laughter, but couldn't help themselves.

King Kai looked at me with murder in his eyes.

"You know what, Trunks?! You're a little shit. Whoever gives this fucker a black eye gets to learn a secret technique from me."

"A technique? Will it be as good as the spirit bomb or Kaio-Ken?" Goku asked.

The two abilities he mentioned… They were powerful skills. I had experienced one, firsthand. Did he have more skills that I didn't know about because this was the real world now?

For a moment, King Kai paused as if he were contemplating heavily on something. But then, he looked up at me and devilishly smirked.

"Oh… It's better than the Kaio Ken and spirit bomb combined."

With that sentence, hunger and greed began to arise within everyone present… Except for Yamcha. I felt hate form him, for whatever reason.

These guys were all martial artists. Their entire philosophy was growing and getting stronger by learning new and unique skills. Although a few were intimidated by me, I could tell that the idea of advancing still excited them.

But still… I was unshaken. I could beat all of them down with ease.

Taking a few steps back, King Kai turned around and was ready to leave… But then suddenly stopped in his tracks.

"Oh… And by the way, Trunk. I forgot to mention this very important fact about the first part of your training."

"What about it?"

"You're only allowed to parry their onslaught of attacks. Either that, or you can doge. No direct attacks."

"..."

With that final statement, he disappeared, leaving me alone with 5 people who were fixated on turning me into a panda.

Before I had even gotten the chance to blink, arms and legs were centimeters away from my body.