It’s time for some training!

"It's time for your next assignment! I'm gonna teach you something that is only used by select Spider-Men and sometimes women! It depends. Anyways!" I clap my hands together as Miles looks at me excitedly. Oh the innocence of youth. "What are you gonna teach me? How to swing with webs? How to disarm a bomb?" I shake my head, "I'm not enough of a nerd to explain how to disarm a bomb. I've got someone to do that for me. But delegation is chapter 17 in the handbook!"I point my finger accusingly at him, "You've clearly not been reading it! I'm ashamed. Gwen buy me a soda for me to drown my sorrows in." Gwen just flips me off and I clutch my heart as though I'd been stabbed, "Augh, betrayal on all sides! Anyways, I'm gonna teach you something more important. Gwen, you stay here, I'll be back in say 10 minutes." I grab Miles and hoist him over my shoulder before marching off.I drop Miles on the ground, "I'm gonna teach you how to harness the inherent seduction granted by our spider powers." Miles just stares at me with his head cocked, "What?" I sigh, "I'm gonna teach you how to seduce chicks! It's like Spider-Man's number one skill! Well that and knowing when to throw a bomb in the air. Seriously, spider-sense is key." He just looks at me even more confused, but there's no time for explanations!"Anyways, lemme demonstrate some of the charm inherent in spiders. A live lesson will give you more experience." I walk out and walk over to a nearby grandma trying to walk across the street and smile at her, "Hey! I was wondering if you needed help crossing the street?" She just smacks me with her purse screaming something about thieves before spraying fucking pepper spray in my eyes! SPIDER-SENSE WHY DO YOU BETRAY ME SO?!I run away screaming and smack into a wall. When my eyes finally clear Miles and Gwen are laughing at me while also looking a little concerned. I've been humiliated in front of my disciples, Mr. Miyagi help me teach them some discipline. I grumble unintelligibly as I sit down with them, " 'm fine. But you see Miles? She totally wanted me. Trust."Gwen just loudly whispers to Miles, "Looks like the purse gave him brain damage." Before the two devolve into loud giggles. Laugh all you want! I'll be the best man and maid of honor at your wedding! Miles just smacks the table, "Man, my Uncle Aaron's advice probably works better than yours."Hanz would never treat me like this! He'd probably clean my eyes with whatever you clean eyes with and read me a bedtime story or hand me a sick ass gadget to be use. He'd definitely never make me suffer for leaving him without a note or anything..........In Ace's home dimension Hanz clenched his fist vowing vengeance upon Ace for leaving him so much work to do! He was meant to be training! Why couldn't he just enjoy his training and dating with Rogue in peace!?! "CURSE YOU ACE! I'LL ADD ITCHING POWDER TO YOUR SUIT NEXT TIME I SEE YOU!" Hanz yelled as thunder crackled ominously..........I shivered in fear. I wondered why, my eyes still hurt from the pain. Seriously old lady, I'm a trustworthy looking youth! I've never committed a crime in my life! Stealing from NASA doesn't count! Nor does scamm-training Miles to learn financial responsibility. As my Uncle Ben once said, "Ace you don't have an Uncle Ben. Stop making shit up about me."He also told me that I should always rob people when I can. Now… Where was I gonna take these two? I scratched my chin in thought before I had an idea! I cleared my throat, "Miles, give me like 5-10 minutes to get changed into my Spidey suit. Then we're taking a trip to the woman who raised this world's Spider-Man."Gwen just nodded, "May is a nice woman, I'm sure she could help us out! She must have something that this world's Spider-Man had to help us get back home." I nodded and headed to my dorm and changed into my Spider-Man suit. Me and Miles had to go to a Spider-Man merch store for his suit.Mostly cause I didn't know how to make suits and Gwen refused. It was an easy buy and leave. Now that we were all suited up, I made Miles get on my back as me and Gwen swung our way to May Parker's house. Apparently it was in the same place in this universe too. Crazy coincidence huh? Well you know what I say to coincidences? I say they're a funny little coinkydink! I think Bad Boy Ace is getting to me.It's time for a change. I'm no longer Bad Boy Ace. I'm Good Boy Ace! There's no real difference besides the fact that I don't dance. Anyways, we stopped in front of May Parker's house and we used rock-paper-scissors to see who'd knock. I won, Gwen and Miles did a match against each other and Gwen won.Suck it Miles! Winning rock-paper-scissors was in chapter 28 of the handbook! Guess you should have read it! Anyways, when May opened the door we all sorta just stayed quiet. I didn't say anything because, I don't really know this lady. Like I've read about her but still! I shoved Gwen in front and let her speak to May, "May? It's me Gwen. I'm not the Gwen you know though. I'm from-"May interrupted her, "From another dimension? Come inside. We've got snacks and 4 other Spider-Men. What took you guys so long? Took the wrong bus or something?" I push past her, "Uh no. Hi, nice to meet you. Ace Jameson, alternate reality. We were late because I had to teach our newest Spider-Man here. Uh Miles? You wanna introduce yourself."Miles pinches his costume a little before giving her a wave, "Hi. I'm Miles Morales. I'm the new Spider-Man. I uh met your son before he… passed." I examined a really nice looking vase while Miles chatted with Aunt May. Man, this was one nice vase. I wonder if it's an antique? By the time I was done with my vase inspection, Miles had finished talking about his backstory and Gwen had explained her own thing. Sweet.I straighten up and step over, "Alright, so we got all that info stuff outta the way. Can we do the thing to reverse this? I'd rather not-" I was suddenly interrupted as my entire body literally began glitching! GODFUCKINGDAMMNIT! It feels like someone kicked my balls! I collapse on the floor and choke for a bit. May peers down at me looked concerned, "Oh dear, that's been happening to the other ones too." I push myself back up and mutter something unintelligible."Let's just do this thing. I got a math test I haven't studied for at all and Hanz will kill me if I try to cheat off him." I said as we all made our way into the shed. Then it became an elevator and descended down into the Spider-Cave! Spider-Nest? The Cocoon! Yeah, I'm so naming my secret base the Cocoon.Then Spider-Pig showed up! And let me tell you voices, just seeing him was enough to make me crack up in laughter, "Holy shit!" I wheezed as I fell to the floor, tears in my eyes from the pure humor from this, "Y-you're a fucking pig… with spider-powers! It's like someone rewrote Charlotte's web." Then suddenly all humour disappeared from me as I pushed myself up."Your mom and dad weren't a spider and a pig who fucked were they? Cause like… I'd have some concerns." Spider-Pig just looked at me confused, "No, I'm Peter Porker. I was bitten by a radioactive pig! And both my parents were spiders. Thank you very much." He huffed. So his parents were incestous? Cause all spiders would have to be related to one another which raised the question of if fucking another animal in his world would be race-mixing. In the literal sense. Cause you know… they're different species.I was thinking so hard, I didn't even get to hear Edgy 30's Spider-Man and Evangelion Spider-Girl's introductions. I decided to do my one good deed and walked over to a depressed Peter and smacked him on the back, "Listen man, you need to go after MJ! She still cares for you! I know this cause I can see the future. It was the power… of the spider that bit me. Trust."Peter B. Fat just looked at me owlishly, "Uh sure kid. I'll take that advice into consideration." I then clapped my hands and grinned, "So what's the game plan team? Miles, you got anything to share with us?" I asked.Miles pulled out a usb drive from his suit's pockets and handed it over to us, "This thing was given to me by my Peter to shut down the collider. I'll shut it down." I nodded, "Sure. You and what training? Unless we do some Rocky-esque training there's no way…" I trailed off looking at the faces of the other Spider heroes."I already tried training him! He's like a negative prodigy! But I believe in him! I know he can go invisible and shoot out electric blasts. You wanna know why?" The rest of the team chorused, "Cause you can see the future!" I shook my head, "No. What the fuck. I saw this thing in a movie. You give the protagonist some super special power to set them apart. It's all very-" I glitched again and ended up convulsing on the ground for 5 minutes."I'm just gonna… go sit in a corner… and think about why I got to this point. You all can give him his training arc." I said as I just sat slouched against the wall. Oh woe is me, curse you universe! I hope something really shitty happens to you, like you get cucked by Thanos or Deadpool!Anyways, while I was sulking apparently the newly christened Spider Squad had come up with a training plan for Miles. They'd also roped me into it. Somehow. I don't know man! Blame God or something. "I still don't get why knowing how to do a jab is important. It's all instinctual anyways, Mr. Detective-Spider-Man." Noir sighed, "For the last time, call me Spider-Man Noir. And you need to learn because you'll save energy, reduce damage to yourself and reduce the chance of you popping someone's head."I glared, "So why does Miles get to learn web-swinging instead?" Noir knocked my legs out from under me but I just did a handstand and righted myself. "That's because you already know how to swing. Besides, Gwen and Peter are teaching the kid how to pull off some espionage." I perked up, "I've espionaged before! I broke into NASA once and nobody even knew!" Noir just fixed me with a look and I straightened up before taking a boxing stance, "Forget it. I'll throw down with you so long as Peni doesn't force me to understand Japanese Python again." I'LL NEVER FORGIVE THE JAPANESE! When this training arc is over, I better have an 8-pack with abs to seduce even the gayest of women!Well, until then I'll have to learn not to get punched in the face, I think to myself as Noir makes me see stars before following it up with a one-two combo. Curse you universe!