Fear the Food

Roderick Hill

-----

When the second year Team CFVY (coffee) came to them with a joint team training session in mind, Roderick figured they were gonna spar against each other and exchange tips and tricks.

All he got was instant regret.

Like a kid that got the best birthday gift ever, Coco Adel, leader of Team CFVY, took position at the top of the training room mezzanine with an all-too-cheery smile on her face.

"Okay, boys," she said and lifted up her handbag, "you know the rules. All four of you have to cross the finish line before the timer runs out."

Roderick swallowed the bitter mistake. "I know she offered to help us train, but I didn't think this was what she meant."

"Indeed." Stiofan cracked his spine. "Although, I can't argue the benefit of how much it will improve our reflexes and agility. Besides, after all that time in the infirmary, I'm sure Alexander appreciates it."

Alexander grunted and adjusted his knee brace.

"If any of you get knocked out or run low on Aura," said Coco, "my team will bail you out."

On the sidelines, Velvet, Fox, and Yatsuhashi waved.

"I believe in you guys," said the rabbit Faunus. "Alexander, make sure not to over do your leg!"

Maybe it was the trick of the light, but Alexander looked slightly less annoyed.

"Hey, Cooper," Roderick said. "You cool about this, too? I seriously thought you'd ditch us by now."

"And leave my mates behind? Just what kind of person do you think I am?" Cooper held together a broken smile and tried to steady a jackhammer of a thumbs up. "I'm absolutely terrific, mate."

He arched an eyebrow. "You mean terrified, right?"

"Enough chit-chat. We're doing this!" Coco transformed her handbag into a minigun and hit a button on her scroll. "Remember: weapons and Semblances are a no-go."

Two turrets hanging on both sides of the ceiling came to life and aimed their lasers at them.

"Turrets activated," said a robotic voice on the intercoms. "Targets acquired."

Roderick gulped and shared a nod with his teammates.

"Commencing fire in 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . . Begin."

A buzzer rang.

They bolted in different directions, and the streams of bullets chased after them, morphing into giant knives carving the floor.

'Not me, not me, not me, not me,' Roderick repeatedly thought. "This is the stupidest thing I've ever done. Why am I even here? I could be in the dining hall right now enjoying a grilled cheese instead of voluntarily running for my life from a psycho lady with a minigun.'

"Don't think any of you can get away from me!" Coco cackled and hosed her gun. "It's not often I get to cut loose, so make this worth my while!"

Roderick checked over his shoulder and screamed, adrenaline spiking tenfold, at Coco's rainstorm of death marching up his rear.

In the corner of his eye, Alexander shoved Stiofan out the way of a stream zipping right towards them. Roderick spun out of Coco's path. The bullets whizzed right past him. Her frustrated cries boomed louder than the hundreds of mini explosions rattling the room. She came back around for him again. He did the same thing like before, and embarrassingly enough, he tripped on the broken tiles like a goofball and kissed the floor.

To make matters worse, he got shot in the worst place possible.

"Ow!" Roderick yelped and snapped straight up onto his knees. "My butt!"

Through the gunfire, Coco's laugh rumbled thunder.

"Radek's hit!" said Cooper. He dashed towards him like the world was ending. "Stephen, Xander, we gotta get our leader!"

"What?!" Stiofan hurried over as if Roderick was laying down in a puddle of his own blood. "Alexander, follow me!"

Alexander facepalmed and did as asked.

"I'm fine!" Roderick ran while rubbing away both the pain and humiliation. "Just forget it!"

Stiofan and Alexander had none of it. They scooped him by the arms and dragged him off to the finish line.

The all too comforting smile did not match the terror blaring in Stiofan's eyes. "Worry not, partner. We'll ensure your safe passage."

Cooper leaped onto Alexander's back and whipped a finger. "Charge forth!"

"Oakwood, get off!"

The three streams converged and combined to become one big stream that shredded it's way ever closer.

Roderick almost soiled his pants.

"Huh?" Cooper glanced back and screamed. "Run faster!"

When Stiofan and Alexander noticed what was happening, panic punched their faces, and they rocketed off.

"Oh, man." The sinking realization of what was happening finally squashed Roderick. "I think Coco really wants to end us!"

If they kept this speed, they'd make it to the finish line, yet for some horrifying reason, the closer they got, the faster the death stream sped up.

Roderick yelled and pulled his legs up away from the bullets nipping at his boots.

"Follow my lead, Alexander!" Stiofan wrenched on Roderick's arm to shy him away from becoming swiss cheese. "We're going to throw Roderick!"

A whirlwind of how that would work wrecked Roderick's imagination. "Wait, what?!"

Alexander growled behind his gritted teeth and lifted him higher. "On you!"

"Hold on, just give me a sec—"

With all their might, Stiofan and Alexander launched him across the finished line. Roderick bounced off the wall as his teammates dove to safety, joining him in a panting heap.

"We made it." Stiofan gasped and peeled himself up off the floor. "Is everyone alright?"

Alexander moaned.

"That was fine and dandy, mates." Cooper sprung up and fixed his scarf. "Let's not do it again."

"Agreed." Roderick wrinkled his nose at the overwhelming stench of hot metal and burnt Dust powder. "By the way, you guys suck."

The raccoon Faunus laughed his way over to the nearest water fountain.

As they took time to collect themselves, Team CFVY joined them, taking in an unnecessary amount of pleasure in their suffering.

"Nice hustle, kid," Coco said and slapped Roderick's aching butt. "Can't wait for the next time."

Velvet hopped beside Roderick. "Sorry about all that. When Coco gets excited, she can over do it."

"Yeah," he said and gave his butt another rub. "I can see that."

"Velvet, Fox, Yatsuhashi!" Coco waved them over. "Hurry up, we have to get ready for the mission."

Following after their leader, Fox and Yatsuhashi said their farewells, but Velvet lingered a little longer, sharing some more words with Alexander before getting on her tippy toes and poking him in the cheek.

"I'll see you in a few days." She giggled and ran off. "Wish me luck."

Roderick gave the big guy a funny look. "Now that I think about it, didn't Velvet always visit you in the infirmary?"

"How cute," said Stiofan. He nodded and placed a hand over his chest. "I'll support you in any way I can."

Alexander scowled and walked away.

"Let's talk about Xander's lady friend later." Cooper leaped between Roderick and Stiofan and slung his arms around their necks. "I'm famished. To the dining hall!"

-----

For some reason, Roderick and his team couldn't catch a break.

The dining hall was supposed to be a place where they could relax, have a fun time, and indulge themselves with tasty food all at the same time.

However, as of right now, it was another instant regret.

The moment they entered and found a place to sit, a pie smacked Weiss in the face, and Stiofan bolted over to rescue the heiress from the dangers of deadly delicacies.

From across the table of Team RWBY's horrified faces, Team JNPR gawked while Nora pointed an accusing finger at Ren.

Roderick's warning signs blared.

Weiss wiped her face spotless with a single sweep and hurled a plate of mashed potatoes and turkey doused in gravy, splattering it on each member of Team JNPR. Nora grabbed Pyrrha's salad, Jaune grabbed a sandwich, and well, it didn't take a genius to know what came next.

"Ugh," Roderick said, "do you think we should hide?"

"That would be nice." Cooper offered a plate of cookies. "Either of you want one?"

He blinked. "Where'd you get that, man?"

"Snagged it from Ruby just a minute ago." He shrugged at their stares. "What? I'm dying over here."

Alexander nudged Roderick and pointed at the bowl of soup flying at them.

They ducked down under the table as the fight intensified and the screams of terror filled the hall. People flocked outside while an artillery of food, plates, and even Jaune at one point, bombarded the room.

Alexander's backpack shield dinged the side of Roderick's head.

"Ow," he said and shoved it aside. "Why do you even have that thing with you?"

He grunted and tried to make himself more comfortable.

"Hey, Stephen!" Cooper stuck his arm out and waved his hat. "Over here!"

The First Guard ran over and slid under the table with them.

"What a pity." Sadness flickered in Stiofan's teal eyes. "As a follower of the culinary arts, it pains me to see such a waste."

"You cook, mate?" Cooper held a cookie between his teeth and offered up the plate. "Want one?"

Stiofan took a cookie and bit it. "I can serve a full course as a matter of fact. Hor d'oeuvres, entrees, and of course, desserts."

"Ua Binn," Alexander said in the most serious voice ever. "Muffins?"

He smirked. "Muffins."

Respect shimmered in the big guy's eyes, and he gave a curt nod of approval.

Were they seriously discussing this right now? A battle was raging over their heads. Food talk could wait after they came out of this alive.

"You guys hear that?" Cooper said.

Listen to what? It was quiet. What was there to. . . Oh.

Stiofan popped his head out. "I believe it's clear."

As they came out of cover, Nora's howl of laughter and blood curdling song of 'I'm queen of the castle' hit them hard.

Team JNPR stood tall on a messy stack of tables and soda vendors at the far side of the dining hall.

A thump and a clatter of plates came from the opposite side of the dining hall.

On top of a table, Ruby brandished a milk carton. "Justice will be swift. Justice will be painful. It will be," she crushed the carton and squirted milk everywhere, "delicious!"

Team RWBY jumped up behind her, crying out for battle.

Roderick's heart plummeted into a pit of acid at the fact that his team was literally in the middle of the warzone.

"This is your fault, Stephen," Cooper said as watermelons sailed over them. "You said it was clear."

Stiofan grimaced. "My. . . mistake?"

The turkey gloved Yang and dual baguette wielding Blake rampaged through the watermelons, charging in their general direction. Roderick and Stiofan jumped onto a table while Alexander and Cooper retreated to the barricade Team JNPR created.

"What now, man?" Roderick said.

Stiofan gestured at the wall. "The windows deem favourable."

A black blur landed in front of them, amber eyes trained on Stiofan.

"I haven't repaid you for the docks." Blake pointed one of her deadly baguettes at the First Guard. "It's time I return the favour."

Roderick got out of the way. 'Sorry, man. This is all you.'

"Blake, it's a new semester. Besides, haven't we already come to a peaceful solution on the matter?" Stiofan put his hands up and several beads of sweat ran down his cheeks. "Why not let bygones be bygones?"

She tackled him off the table.

They brushed past Roderick, pushing him closer to the edge. He swung his arms like a madman trying to keep balance, but to no avail, he fell off.

Roderick groaned at the impact thumping in his back, and instead of the ceiling greeting him from above, it was Pyrrha looking down in pity.

"Hello again," she said and waved in a too happy-go-lucky way. "Like usual, you're beneath me, I see."

Ouch.

Roderick got up, but before he could say a word, her odd smile gave him chills. It resembled the one she wore in front of raving fans and cameras or whenever she wanted to hide her actual feelings. . .

Crap.

Behind her were two swor—baguettes peeking over her shoulders.

Double crap.

"Pyrrha," he said and slowly backed away, "why are you holding those?"

"Oh, no reason in particular." Her face split wider as she crept closer and examined the bread. "Remember when we used to spar almost everyday? I kinda miss it."

Of all the times to feel nostalgic, why did it have to be now?!

A red cloak fluttered past them.

Ruby surfed along a row of tables on a large tray, yelling at Cooper for stealing her cookies, and dove at him.

The metal tray clattered between Roderick and Pyrrha.

"Roderick," she passed him a loaf and feral glee possessed her, "ready for round five?"

"Wait, wha—"

Pyrrha levitated the tray to her left arm and lunged.

Roderick gasped and poured Aura into the bread like everyone else did.

Baked dough clanged with each exchange. He changed directions and slashed at her side. The baguette hit nothing. An elbow lurched at his nose. He slipped it. She swept at his feet. He hopped, but she drove the tray shield into his chest, shoving him onto a table bench.

Before her baguette could impale him, he leaped and let it pass between his legs. She froze, her face flaring a bright red, and he flushed at the fact that she was a nose away from his crotch.

Roderick leapfrogged over her, whirled mid-air, and slashed her across the back.

Rarely did Pyrrha ever let people hit her, and when they did (so far just him), she'd take it personally.

"You did it again!" The heat in her glare could set anyone on fire. "Why are you the only one who can hit me, pervert?!"

Many fans and analysts speculated that he could only hit her because they knew each other so well, they could basically read each other's minds.

In reality, he simply got lucky in the weirdest ways possible.

"Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was," Pyrrha pressed a flurry of swings, "after you slapped m-my backside in front of all those people watching the tournament?"

Roderick evaded and locked bread blades while scrambling through a mental book full of excuses. "My leg was sore after you shot it. I didn't mean to fall over and do that."

She lashed her heels into his gut. He doubled over and ate a knee to the jaw, propelling him against a pillar.

"Care to explain the time you just 'happened' to fall between my legs?"

Roderick leaned aside right before Pyrrha speared her loaf through the concrete.

"You pulled me down." He broke away and attacked, only for it to deflect off her tray shield. "Not my fault you tripped."

Pyrrha pushed him, ripped her baguette out the pillar, and kicked a wayward cabbage in his direction. He batted it aside. A flicker of red rushed him, ramming the tray shield into his chest and pinning against the wall.

"You f-fondled my chest," she said through her teeth, cheeks stained pink. "I almost lost my first time because of that."

"D-don't say it like that." Roderick awkwardly shrugged. "You tried to stab me in the face. I panicked and pushed. It was an honest mistake."

Her gaze narrowed razor thin.

"If it makes you feel any better," he flexed his gloved, metal hand, "I didn't feel a thing."

Judging by the way she growled, that was the wrong answer.

A rage fueled roar and a blur of yellow flooded in from the side.

Pyrrha leapt out the way before Yang could smash her to bits.

"Thanks," Roderick said and took a minute. "You have no idea how—" The sudden wave of heat kicked him in high alert. "Uh, Yang?"

"Is it true?" Yang said with her back to him. "Everything that happened between you and Pyrrha. . . Did you really do them?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, yeah."

She flinched and every strand of her mane glowed brighter.

"Er, Yang. You're kinda hot."

"I know I am." Yang spun and cocked her turkey gloved fist. "Now burn!"

She whacked him hard enough to send him skidding over a whole row of tables and crash land on the other side of the dining hall.

Why he deserved that was anyone's guess.

Roderick rolled over and found a bag of chips sitting in front of him.

Why bother trying to run or fight? Wouldn't it be best to find a nice place to hide and let everyone take themselves out? When that happens, the path to freedom would open, and all he'd have to do was walk it.

Roderick sat back, relaxed, and popped open the bag of chips.

No conflict. No struggle. Plain and simple.

Over in Team JNPR's side, Alexander turtled in and out from behind a gigantic pizza shield, smacking aside soda can after soda can Jaune took a passion in pitching at him, and when he ran out of ammo, he did the last thing anyone would've expected: he broke into a full sprint and launched himself like a dart.

Roderick gave him props for effort, but unfortunately, Alexander was bolted to the floor. Jaune was dragged over to a vending machine by the scruff of his uniform, and as amusing and horrifying as it was to see him be used as a can opener, Roderick turned his attention to Team RWBY's side of the room where Weiss and Ruby took on Ren and Nora.

Ren charged with a couple leeks. However, Weiss sprayed an impossible amount of ketchup on the floor, causing him to slip and slide through a bowling lane of tables. Nora catapulted herself up to the rafters somehow, got her hands on a flagpole, stuck it into a watermelon, and made a makeshift warhammer.

Roderick rubbed his eyes to make sure that actually happened.

Nora smashed the floor in front of Ruby with enough force to launch her out of sight. Weiss grabbed a fresh swordfish (not gonna even ask why) and went toe-to-toe with the hammer girl, but the heiress took a direct hit, rocketing her into a column that shattered into pieces.

While Ruby mourned for the early departure of her partner, tingles ran down Roderick's spine.

Walking towards Nora was none other than the man sworn to protect the Schnee family himself. In his hand was a rolling pin with a baguette stuck onto the handles, and poking out the ends of each loaf were carrots.

"To avenge the loss of Milady," Stiofan twirled his makeshift spear, "I, apprentice of the SDC First Guard, Stiofan Ua Binn, challenge you to a duel. State your name, Hammer of Pink!"

Roderick almost choked.

Nora planted the butt end of her hammer on the ground. "I am Nora Valkyrie, Goddess of Pancakes and Smiter of Waffle Eaters!"

She's going along with it?!

"Prepare yourself, Pancake Goddess." He readied his spear. "I shall eradicate all traces of pancakes from this world and replace them with those waffles you so despise in your honour."

Nora gasped. "You wouldn't . . ."

Stiofan smirked. "Try me."

"Defiler!"

Nora leaped, Stiofan lunged, and there they went.

"Hiya, mate." Cooper plopped beside Roderick on the table, passed him a soda can, and sipped his own. "Lovely day, ya think?"

Roderick sighed and cracked open his can as Pyrrha and Yang battled a couple rows away from beside Stiofan and Nora.

Pyrrha knocked Yang off balance and thrusted a baguette into her abdomen, sending her in the path of Nora's hammer swing, and Yang literally went through the roof.

"Yeah." Roderick held a hand over his eyes. "It's nice and sunny."

"Watch out!"

Roderick and Cooper looked left and leaned back.

Jaune sailed past them and collided with Stiofan as Blake whipped a chain of sausages at the spear wielder. She missed and hit Nora instead, shoving her into the direction Jaune came from and into Alexander's pizza shield.

They both crashed into a vending machine, scattering more free sodas.

"Cooper, Roderick." Ren joined them, doused and reeking of ketchup. "I see the both of you have better luck than I do, considering your clothes are still fairly clean."

"Aye, mate. It's not easy—"

A strawberry ice cream cone splattered over Cooper's face and knocked him off the table.

Ruby snorted, giggling from somewhere.

"Guess it's just you and me now, Ren."

"It would seem—"

A soda can crunched the back of Ren's head, knocking him out cold.

"Sorry, Ren!' Nora said.

Pyrrha joined Nora's side and slammed her hand down on the ground, creating a magnetic pulse around her. All the soda cans, and Alexander's backpack shield, which he still wore, levitated in the air.

Everything swirled together into one metallic wave, and Pyrrha sent it straight at Blake. Stiofan got up at the wrong moment and was swept along with Blake and Alexander, ejecting them over to the very far end of the room behind Ruby.

Ruby's glare set of the alarms in Roderick's warning systems.

With his safety gap activated, he booked it for the nearest exit.

A sudden force stopped him in his tracks. Something had a hold of his left arm which was weird since nothing was touching it, and no matter how much he tried to move it, it refused to budge.

His jaw dropped at the reason.

Pyrrha marched over with an outstretched hand. "I'm not done with you yet, Roderick."

"You promised not to use your Semblance on my arm again!"

"This is an exception!"

A red caped streak sped past them, forming a tailwind created by sheer speed in her wake.

It was too late.

Soda cans, bits of food, plates, cups, even pieces of the broken tables stirred as the tailwind grew in size and strength, and it tried pulling Roderick along for the ride, too.

Pyrrha, Nora, Ren, and Jaune did their best to hang in there, but the moment Ruby transformed into a vortex gobbling anything in her way, each member of Team JNPR was quickly sucked away one at a time.

Roderick finally lost his footing.

To say the least, it was a roller coaster without the seats.

The air in his lung screamed at the incoming wall until they ran dry, his eyes swirled, and he covered his mouth to stop his stomach from erupting like a shaken can of soda.

Roderick caught a glimpse of Ruby planting her feet on the wall, caving it from momentum alone, and she dove aside before Roderick and Team JNPR slapped against the concrete canvas.

That's when everything else to exist beneath the sun crashed on them.

It was impossible to move. His body and limbs were embedded in the wall. All he could do was shut his eyes and take the hits.

By the end of it, they all slid like sticky goo rolling down a window and splattered on the floor in a different combination of colours than the ones they were born with, but the worst part was the putrid stew of sauces, spices, greasy foods, drinks, and maybe even garbage, no amount of showers and shampoos could rinse off.

At least this was the end of it.

The doors slammed open, and Goodwitch stormed inside.

Great.

She marched past a couple of guys (Roderick never noticed until now) standing by the entrance.

One of them was the monkey Faunus they chased at the docks way back when, and the blue haired guy, covered head to toe in a purple stuff, could be anyone's guess.

Armed with a riding crop, the scowling professor activated her Semblance, literally levitating everything back in place with a single flick of her wrist. The tables jumbled into perfect rows, broken plates, mushed up food, and even the smashed up pillars were all put back together as if nothing ever happened in the first place.

Roderick and everyone else were pulled over by her Semblance and plopped in the benches right in front of her.

"Children," Goodwitch said through her teeth and adjusted her glasses, "do not play with your food."

Nora burped and Yang fell back into the building, landing on top of Roderick.

Everyone's laughter was the last thing he heard before he drifted off into a nightmare fueled by lady monsters and killer food.

Also classes start back up tomorrow.

What on Remnant did Roderick do to deserve this?