Danseur

Part One - Petit Battement

"Do you still want to rent the house?"

I raise my head from the steaming mug of coffee I've been nursing, lock eyes with Sherry, though it was her boyfriend who spoke.

"Jai," he insists, "do you still want to rent the house?"

"Sure," I answer. "Too big for me to live there on my own."

Fuck, why does it still have to hurt so much? Every single day in that place is hell. It's far from a haven, which must be what Allen intended, when he left me the place. Left me. He didn't have to; we were married, after all, I'd always stand to inherit. Fuck, I miss him; how twisted is that? Every single day, while I go about my life, doing the shit we used to do together, I miss him. I wake up in a cold bed, his side is empty, and I miss him. I make breakfast, drink his favourite tea in his favourite mug, and I miss him. I brush my teeth, his toothbrush still there, his shaving cream, his aftershave, all to remind me he used to be here, and I miss him. I miss him when I shower, when I take a leak and he's not there ogling me, when I get dressed and his side of the wardrobe still carries his suits, his crisp shirts, his ties.

I miss him; I miss him; I miss him - like a fucking broken record in my head. He used to listen to records, who the hell still does that?

It's been eight months, and I miss him like it was yesterday.

Or maybe it's just guilt.

Maybe I miss that familiar feeling of being afraid.

"Is it still listed with Ravers'?" JunJie insists, and I'm forced back to the present with a bodily ache.

I run my hands through overgrown hair that I should really get cut but can't be bothered, and nod. "Sherry can handle it. Why are you asking?"

Sherry's, like, my best friend. JunJie's her boyfriend, so he's a friend too, though I met him through her. My Mum used to clean Sherry's father's house, and it was he who got me my first job, part-time at Ravers', a property management company. Her Dad owns half of it, and has been grooming her to take up his place, but she's not very keen. I want her to handle this for me, though, she's the only person I trust for that.

"Think I may have found you a lodger."

My head snaps up, and now I do face JunJie. "Huh?"

He grins, shakes his head. "My uncle."

"Didn't even know you had one."

"Oh, he does," Sherry adds, "and a hot one, at that."

JunJie shoves her a little, both laughing, I bet it's a standing joke between them. Sherry's a bit of a tease with him, and JunJie loves that.

"Do tell," I nudge, trying to keep my mind from the past. "You have a hot uncle? Think I can rent the place to a hot man. This town could do with good looking blokes, seeing we have a scarcity of that."

"I'm good looking," he says.

"And you're also taken. You think he might want to rent the place? Where does he live, nearby?"

JunJie shares a flat with Sherry, but he used to live in campus. This town is pretty close to one of the best universities in the UK, so housing facilities are always in demand. I thought I'd have rented the blasted house by now, but it's mostly students who want to rent, and I don't fancy having it turned into party central. I want someone responsible, a family, perhaps. Or someone like Allen. Was hoping the cardiologist who took up his job at the local hospital might want to move in, but he had his own place already, so I got stuck there. With all the memories. With all the empty hours ahead. With all those ghosts.

Fuck, I so don't want to think about it. Why did that stupid man had to take that fucking slope and get himself killed? He was always reckless, never really took proper care of himself. He never took good care of anyone, to be fair, but I was provided for and never had to think about anything. He sorted it all for me, and I guess that's what I miss the most. Someone to sort things out for me, so I didn't have to. As long as I did what he said, I'd be fine.

"No," Sherry says, "lives in China."

Now they caught my attention. "In China? What does he want to do in the UK? Moving here? Does he work with your Dad?"

JunJie's father is some sort of a hotshot lawyer in Beijing, from what I get. Celebrity agent, I think, never really paid much attention to that. Sherry mentioned it a few times, but it's slipped my mind. JunJie laughs.

"In a manner, yes. Dad represents him."

"Big star in China, he is. Dancer, actor, TV host."

My eyes widen, I wasn't expecting that. Big star in China and wants to come over to Europe for what, may I ask?

"What's his name?"

"Lin DaoShi."

My mouth drops. "No fucking way. Lin DaoShi's your uncle? No way."

"You know who he is?"

"I'm not completely vacant, am I? Mum was Chinese, after all."

"She was British," Sherry says, and my eyes throw daggers at her.

Sure, she was a British citizen, as am I, but of Chinese descent. Her parents were Chinese, so were her grandparents. No, her grandmother was Irish, and I was never allowed to forget that. Apparently, it's why my skin is so pale. Still, my grandparents made sure I grew up surrounded by Chinese culture as much as British. I can speak Chinese, I can write and read it too, and I've watched far more Chinese TV than British, I think. Of course I know who Lin DaoShi is, ever since I was what? Ten? He won a talent show here in the UK, after all, a dance contest of sorts. I still remember it; he performed a solo from La Sylphide and it was unforgettable. I wanted to get into dancing after watching it, and wouldn't shut up, so my mother enrolled me at a dance school. Not that I was very good, not like Lin DaoShi, at least.

"Why would your uncle want to come to the UK? Is he going to apply to another dance contest?" I joke, Lin DaoShi doesn't need to enter talent contests anymore.

JunJie looks downtrodden, and I realise something serious lies behind this. I try to think back on any threads I've seen on social media, can't really remember any that concern him. There was something a few years back, a broken engagement, I think; then the usual threads about performances and work. Wasn't he the lead dancer at ShouTien Dance Company? I know he was a mentor on that Chinese dance show, StepStep China, though I didn't watch it. Watched one of his dramas, though, bloke's a really good actor. And Sherry's right, he is hot.

"He had an accident, is still recovering. Needs a place to stay where he isn't constantly hounded by fans and media, you know? He's not in a good place, right now, mentally, and being in China isn't helping."

"Sounds serious." Serious enough to at least take my mind off my own inexistent problems.

"Fell off a horse while filming his latest drama, was unconscious for a while, then there were problems with his disks and joints, I think. His leg wasn't working well, he's been in physical therapy and whatnot, but... man's over thirty, been dancing since he was four-years-old, of course his body's got to give in, at some point. Can't expect it to recover as quickly as when he was twenty."

"I remember when he danced on that show," I whisper, head lost in memories of Lin DaoShi's performance. "Must have been what, twenty?"

"He was eighteen. Fuck, you watched that? You know he won a dance scholarship at fifteen, moved here so he could take it? On his own. Must have been hard, Granddad had already passed away, Dad said he didn't want to come, didn't want to leave Grandma, but they made him take the scholarship. Because he was so good at it."

I nod, he was indeed good, but it's like JunJie said, age will fuck you up, and your body won't respond the same at thirty as it did at twenty. Just look at Allen, fifty-one-years-old and acting as if he was my age. Of course he'd run into trouble, one day. I just wish it hadn't killed him, I think.

"If you think my place is what he's looking for, go for it, JunJie. The dance studio might even come in handy."

He laughs, finishes his drink. "That's exactly why I thought of your house, the damn dance studio. Which you don't even use."

Yeah, what for? It's not like I took dancing very seriously, is it? Nor could I afford to, not with all the happened. Allen had the conservatory turned into a dance studio because he knew I enjoyed dancing, and thought it might help me recover. It did help, for a while, but I haven't been able to set foot in it these past eight months.

"I'll give him a call," JunJie says. "Wasn't too keen on coming back to the UK, said he'd rather go to Paris, but Dad thinks it'll help with his mindset. Seeing we're all holders of a British passport, it's easier to relocate him here for a few months."

"You were all born in Hong Kong? Thought it was only you."

"All Hong Kong born and raised. Dad only moved to Mainland China when Shushu returned from Europe and was offered the spot of lead dancer on one of the major dance companies. That's when Dad started managing his career, too, Shushu has no head for that."

"And you're going to follow on your Dad's footsteps?"

"Why not? It's what I want to do. It's why I came here to study. Anyway, if Shushu's interested, do you mind if I come over and take a few pictures I can send him? Are you keeping it as it is, the same furniture?"

"Course I am, why would I change it? Allen had impeccable taste. Let me know when you want to come over so I can get Leandra to help me clean the place up."

"Will do. Gotta run, now, or I'll be late for class." JunJie leans over to place a hasty kiss upon Sher's lips, and I find myself resenting them, jealous and aching for someone to kiss me.

What shocks me the most is this someone isn't necessarily Allen. What kind of person does that make me, I wonder? I claim to miss my late husband to the point I can't move on with my life, but when I daydream of someone to love me, it's not him I picture in my mind's eye. It's no one in specific; to be honest, all I wish is that I could bring myself to fall in love with someone.

Because I sure wasn't in love with Allen.