A completely silly story, just for fun—don't take it seriously This work is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and events are products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, or to actual events, is purely coincidental
In 2048, the world witnessed the rise of a new rivalry between the two major world powers, the USA and Russia. The atmosphere between them was tense and serious. Nobody knew exactly what this could mean or why they were at an impasse again, which left the entire planet on alert for a possible war. It didn't take long for various alerts to be issued and small-scale attacks to be carried out in both countries. Many countries remained neutral in this conflict. No attack was explicitly declared, which could be blamed on independent terrorist groups. The two countries still acted amicably. Russia soon closed off a perimeter for self-defense, preventing any Americans or their allies from entering or leaving the country, keeping them as hostages. Even though security in the two republics was stringent, it didn't stop the existence of spy units within their lands, ensuring information and technology advantages over their rivals. A war was never explicitly declared.
Albert Hans Souza Steiner Loren Targarian Smith, a renowned American scientist born and raised in the land of freedom, had an enviable IQ and was the winner of many Grannys. He was currently residing in the former Soviet empire, working at a research center to find a cure for baldness, which affects about 50% of men. He was considered missing after the announcement of the siege. The US intelligence agency deduced, through an encrypted message from one of its spies, that it believed Russian scientists were developing a new weapon and that Albert could be coerced into participating in the project, being held by highly armed Russian guards. It would be difficult to identify exactly where he was being held. The weapon would be used as a trump card in the war, and the lack of information was one of the Americans' worst enemies, causing some concern among patriots about their enemy.
In a highly sealed square 20,000 inches deep, the highest members of the government gathered to discuss possible ways to prevent the war and stop the development of this weapon.
"Are we fucked up?" blurted out President Jo Jo Yo, a former white rapper who accidentally launched his candidacy while searching for 'Naughty Moms' on the internet. He had a terrible habit of talking while singing; rumors say he was elected because people found this habit amusing.
"M-Mr. President, we still don't know much about this weapon or its capabilities. Information is limited and hard to send through the blockade," said the old head of research, currently the most qualified within American territory.
"Can't we just send the bombs and boom, KABOOM!!!," the president said, using his hands to simulate explosions.
"I believe that would be a terrible idea, knowing that they would counterattack us in the same way. The best possible scenario would be that no one uses the bombs," explained the scientist.
"Maybe, hmm... YO, I GOT AN IDEA! What if I throw a massive live show broadcasted worldwide? I could roll up on the water, walking to the Russian bases while spitting my latest track. Bet all the soldiers would be shook by my performance, ending the war and securing our victory. After that, I'd be immortalized as one of the greatest performers ever. DAMN, I'M A GENIUS!", The president spoke while imagining the entire scene in his head, excited about everything.
"I-I don't think it's g-g-going to w-work, sir," timidly exclaimed one of the scientists present in the room.
"Huh? Why not? It'd be lit. I can already hear the Russian soldiers crying. I can even see the president giving me a standing ovation with a friendly smile" complained the president.
"Only if you're also hearing the sounds of bullets piercing your chest, Mr. President. You may have forgotten, but YOU are the main reason this war started. Even if you forget, I'll remind you now: you fucked the Russian president's wife and even sent a selfie to everyone present at the nations' assembly. The damn logo of the meeting was UNITED FOR THE GREATER GOOD," said one of the ministers.
"Fuck man, how many times do I gotta say it was an accident? How many times do I need to explain that I didn't mean to send it? I messed up the icons and sent it to the wrong group. WAS I WRONG? HELL YEAH. But who hasn't made a mistake, let them cast the first stone."
The discussion in the room began to heat up, and no one knew how to calm the situation. They increasingly showed no viable options. Fear and insecurity were visible on their faces. The uncertainty of tomorrow was the only certainty in that room.
"Calm your nerves, gentlemen!" shouted the army general as he stood up. "I have the solution to our problems."
"If you already had a solution, you could've spoken up sooner, bro", said the president.
"I apologize then, Mr. President," lamented the general. "The plan is simple: we'll send a unit to cross the siege. It will find the location where the scientist is being held, rescue him, and disable the weapon. I previously asked one of our men over there to minimize the search area for Mr. Albert. Although complicated, we managed to trace a 40 km radius where the hostage is located, based on top-secret information we managed to gather," the general launched a rather creepy smile.
"B-but we already tried that, general. All attempts were unsuccessful," said the chief scientist while shrinking before the general's imposing presence.
"That's true... but I personally assembled a group of volunteers, highly trained, brave, and with testosterone levels never seen before, to carry out this suicide mission and return triumphant," said the general, thumping his chest.
"Wow," thrilled with the news, the president began to tremble with excitement.
"The name of the squad is..." The general spoke with a confident smile on his face while the opening sound of some generic series could be heard in the background:
FURIOUS SQUAD - THE MOVIE