CHAPTER 3-PAIN

AESTHETIC KARMA

LILAH DAZA

My long day is just about to start but I feel like I am already unlucky today. I happened to meet Dara in the elevator when I'm on my way out of the LC building. This isn't surprising though since we're living in the same building.

We both take a deep breath, trying to ignore each other's presence and pretend like we don't know each other at all.

After I begged her to let me keep Alester last night, I didn't get a chance to talk to her again as she decided to go home first. I feel guilty that I just watched Alester letting her in a taxi alone. I ruined her first-ever night with the Hernandez family.

I inhaled, forcing myself to speak. I want to talk to her but I can't find anything to say to her either.

"I'm sorry for what happened last night." I finally break the silence. Just as the elevator opened, it only means that we are on the ground floor already. We both took our steps outside calmly.

"It's fine but... I hope it won't happen again, Lilah. And will you please tell your friends about your real status with Alester now? We're dating each other now. I hope you understand my point. "

Dating. The word itself is a knife that is stabbing my heart non-stop. I'm bleeding inside just thinking about it. I couldn't speak anymore because of the pain I'm feeling right now.

It hurts a lot more than I expected, damn it! Now I know what exactly he felt when I broke up with him. I do understand him now. Breaking up with him was the biggest mistake of my life. It was a decision that I would surely regret for the rest of my life.

I deserve this pain I am enduring right now. Karma is real.

"O-hh? R-eally? Well, good for both of you. I'm sorry for stealing the spotlight last night. I didn't know about your relationship with him. If and only, he told me that ahead."

We got a chance to talk for almost half an hour last night before I went home with Richell, but he didn't say anything about his relationship with Dara. He didn't mention any clue.

"Because he doesn't want to let you know about this. Maybe because he doesn't want to hurt you. So, please don't tell him that I told you that we are dating now. I don't want him to think about it too much since he has a busy schedule this week."

It makes sense now.

I just swallowed and was speechless. I don't even know what to say. We left the building together. I saw Alester's figure in front of the building. Just like what I expected, he is here to pick Dara up.

I wish... It's me again.

I just kept silent until I got into my car. I drive it quickly as if a monster is coming after me. It just took me almost 15 minutes to reach my working place. I just parked my car in front of the LB building without realizing that I am blocking the front view of my boutique.

I went inside in my not-so-good mood. I could feel the unusual reaction of my staff the moment they saw me but I ignored them. They looked confused and seemed threatened by my presence. I headed to my office and slammed the door closed for the first time.

I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn't take it anymore. It is damn hurtful to the point that I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't explain what I am feeling right now. I just found myself hitting my chest to reduce its unbearable weight.

What's this? Why am I crying like an idiot when I am the one who broke up with him? I am so new to this feeling.

You'll indeed know the value of someone when he or she is no longer yours. When they're finally happy with someone else instead of you. This human nature is the reason why this planet is becoming toxic.

For two years, I wasn't sweet, concerned, or even showed that I valued him. I'm just going with the flow, he was the one who tried his best to make our relationship work. He held unto me like there's ain't another woman for him while I did nothing but detach myself from him every time. Why did I realize all my mistakes too late?

"I'm sorry Alester, there's nothing wrong with you, you didn't do anything wrong you did too much for me. But... I'm sorry, no... I don't love you. I tried my best to love you the way you love me but it didn't work at all, y-ou know, it's something that I couldn't handle and control. It's better to stop right here. I'm not for you and you're not for me. You deserve someone better. Someone who will love you back. And that's not me, I am not the woman for you."

"L-ah? Don't do this to me, please. I know... You love me, I feel it, if I did something that you didn't like and offended you, I'm sorry. Let's fix this, let's talk about it, and we can settle whatever it is, don't do this to me, please? Please?" He begged as he kneeled in front of me, trying to reach for my hand but I took one step back to avoid him.

"No, Alester. I couldn't do it with you anymore. It's not interesting and entertaining anymore. I'm sorry."

I was sobbing when I remembered the words I had said to him. I left that place without even looking at him, without even wiping his tears, and without accepting and realizing that I love him. Without knowing that I was putting myself into a hell that I couldn't handle.

Fuck, Lilah! Stupid!

Dara will replace my role in his life from here on. She is now the one who will receive flowers and random gifts from him. The one who will accompany him to all his special occasions and gatherings. Surely, he will take him to beautiful places while talking and planning about their future ahead.

She will become his rest in this tiring world. She is the deserving one for him that I was talking about. I should be happy for him but why am I crying while in pain?

We have so many memories... Memories that I just wasted. I can hear myself sobbing. I still can't stop my tears. I hate at the same time I pity myself.

"Lah." I almost fell because of that voice coming from behind me. Fortunately, I was clinging to the table tightly, that's why I didn't lose my balance at least. I stifled my weak sobs and looked for a tissue on the table but remembered that it was out of stock.

Shit! You're embarrassing Lilah!

I slowly looked at him and took one step away when he came close to me. He is handing me a handkerchief. I hesitated to accept that but to my surprise, he lifted my face with his two fingers on my jaw and wiped my wet face.

"I-I'll do it. I can wipe my tears, you know," I said and took the handkerchief from him.

Our eyes met and I couldn't read the emotion in his eyes. I pulled back a little.

"What's wrong?" he asked casually.

From the tone of his speech, I knew that something had changed and that idea is adding salt to my heart's wound.

"Nothing," I refused to answer his question honestly but he kept staring at me. I was the one to look away, I didn't want to let him know that I was hurt by what was happening between me and Dara. I am hurting because of their lightning-speed romance.

"You were crying a while ago, and then, it's for nothing?"

I gasped. "Why are you here?" I asked in return, changing our subject.

"I have to pick some clothes in your boutique, but I happened to hear the conversation that you were out of shape, you bumped into something outside of your boutique earlier but you didn't even pay attention to that, they even guessed that you had a broken leg."

Huh? Did that happen to me earlier? I didn't realize it until now. He sat down and examined my foot. I took it back because I was ashamed. He doesn't need to take good care of me now that he is dating someone. It doesn't feel right.

"I'm fine, I don't have a fracture or anything."

"Why are you crying?"

Because of you! Instead of saying that, I thought of another excuse.

"My mother just phoned me saying that my… my goat died."

I feel like punching myself because of my alibi. I don't even know if he will believe it or not.

He's a CEO for heaven's sake Lilah, then you're going to use that kind of excuse? Please slap yourself!

Before he could speak, I immediately changed the subject.

"W-when are you planning to tell your family that I'm no longer your girlfriend?" I tried to be casual even though there was a feeling building up in my chest again.

"Tell them, please? So you and Dara can get off to a good start," I said slowly. He just kept looking at me and then freed up a deep breath.

With his actions, it's like he's confirming that what I have said is true. He didn't deny it so maybe they are officially dating each other now.

It's kinda impossible but I must believe in it now. He is no longer the Alester I used to know. He changed his feelings for me.

"My friends already know so they won't tease nor disturb you anymore," I met his gaze with all my courage. I feel like I want to hug him but I'm scared and at the same time I'm ashamed.

Besides, maybe he wants to start over with Dara.

"I'll go first," he said sparingly and headed for the door without hesitation. I just stared at him while leaving.

I lost my first love because of my stupidity. But I am more hurt by the fact that he will never be mine again. Maybe he just said that he will still love me even though I left him because he didn't expect Dara to come into his life that fast.

Dara is a great woman, though. They're kinda a match made in heaven.

I bit my lip to stop my tears from falling again.

I was startled when he looked at me while turning the door knob. I just smiled at him. I would have smiled before I gave in to him.

"You go Alester, I'm fine. I'm old enough for you to worry about what happened to me earlier," I said jokingly, but the truth is that I hope he's truly worried about me.

"I hate you." I was surprised when he said that, my smile disappeared from my lips, and the sadness that I was trying to hide surely plastered on my face.

"Sorry," I said, knowing the reason why he said that.

"But I hate myself the most. Do you know why? Because despite the unbearable pain you caused me, my feet are still bringing me closer to you Lilah." There was no emotion on his face. My chest is tightening again. I leaned on the table while trying to fight his gaze.

"Help me, please? Help me get over you. I want to forget you so I can be happy again." My heart was completely broken because of what he said.

He wants to forget me.

"I'm sorry Alester..."

"You're always sorry Lilah, I don't fucking need it!" I was even surprised by the rise in his voice. I think this is the first time I read anger in his eyes because of me.

I just felt my senses and closed my eyes tightly. I want to say so much but I can't because I'm afraid of what he might say.

"Do you know how broken my heart is because of you? I loved you! I did everything to be enough for you but why? I don't understand, damn it!"

I bit my mouth to stop my tears but I failed. I turned away from him.

"J-just go Alester."

"You're always like that, you always push me away. I told you I'll still love you even if you don't want to but... I can't take it anymore, it hurts so much. Please stop pretending that you're hurting too because I know you're just sorry to me. I don't need your mercy, Lilah."

I closed my eyes tightly. He doesn't deserve to be hurt because of me. Maybe I'm not the one for him.

I couldn't help but clench my fists. Everything that is happening to us now is my fault.

"You're not the only one who's hurting here, Alester. I'm also hurt every time I see you together. I love you, that's the truth, that's what I realized, but I won't force you to still love me although I hurt you, you have your path and decisions. If that's what you think should be done to make yourself happy forever then be it. I think Dara is the best woman for you."

I laughed half-heartedly because even before I could say the words I had just said, I knew he was already out.

I am not only stupid but also a coward. I just sat down in no time. It would have been better if he had heard that.

Repentance is always at the end.

I love you Alester. I wish I could have said and made you feel that before. I'll just love you secretly even if you don't want me anymore. I know it's impossible that we'll be together again.

I took my cell phone and dialed Tin's number but it was out of coverage. I also tried Rich and Juvie and Shielou but the same.

I am very frustrated because I need them but can't reach them right now.

Is this my karma?

Because I was distracted, I decided to go home first. I can't do any good at this state either so it's better to just rest first.

When I arrived at the condo, I just opened my music player and played the new CD that was bought a week ago. It's just a love song.

I was sitting on the sofa with my eyes closed while enjoying the song.

"Even if you're angry. I'll only come close to you, I'll sing only to you. Even if you've changed. I'll still love you. Even if you don't want to."

I sat up straight. I quickly went to where the music player was and repeated the song.

I will still love you. Even if you don't want to.

I just shook my head and went back to sitting. It looks like that song is new because I just heard it now or maybe I'm just too busy so I'm outdated?

"Men won't always be pursuing women, though, Lalah! Sometimes we have to act and humble ourselves, especially if we were the ones who caused the pain and made a mistake. It's not always up to them to apologize."

I just sighed. The truth is that I am too confused. My heart and mind are arguing and have always not gotten along these past few days.

Is it right to chase after him?

I just banged my head and hit my forehead. I don't even know how I'm going to pursue him. I'm also afraid that I might look desperate, I still have a reputation to protect.

Reputation… Yeah, here you go again, Lilah. You and your unbeatable pride.

I was startled when my cell phone rang. I picked it up of my own accord and answered someone's call.

"Where are you?" I closed my eyes because of the calm voice that came to my ears. He doesn't seem angry anymore. It is not natural for him to be angry. He has long patience. I was facing a different Alester earlier.

"Why?"

"Just answer my question," he said authoritatively. I just held my breath.

"In my condo."

"Okay, I'm downstairs. Go down first."

"Why?"

"Just follow me."

I swallowed and just followed him. I fixed myself first before going down.

When I got down, I immediately saw him outside while leaning on his car. I hesitated to move toward him.

"Les, what's wrong?" He looked at me for a moment then immediately took it back.

"You, psss," he whispered but I didn't hear.

"What?" I'm curious again.

"It's Fei's birthday. She sent me to pick you up."

Although I'm full of doubts, I still felt happy because it seems like I'm still the winner in his family compared to Dara.

"At your house again?" I asked. He shook his head.

"La Conchita Resto." I just nodded. He gestured for me to get inside his car. I didn't move so he opened up the door for me.

"Get in."

"Eh? I'll just change clothes."

"That's okay, you're already beautiful." It seems that he realized what he said too late. I simply smiled and made sure he didn't see it.

"I mean, with your clothes," he said back, causing me to snort.

"What? Get in, we're going to be late," he mandated. I didn't say a word anymore and just went inside. I immediately fastened the seat belt.

He complimented me but took it back. Are my clothes more beautiful than my face? I whined but I couldn't say it out loud.

I looked at him when I noticed that he hadn't started the car even though we were already inside.

"Are we waiting for someone? Is it Dara?" I asked, and he gasped.

"Dara is already there."

I feel upset. I'm going to look like a fool again later and I don't like that idea. I don't want to embarrass myself in front of her sisters again.

"I feel so unsteady, can I just not go?" My excuse is something that makes him frown. I simply winced. My excuse seems wrong.

"Don't you like Dara? Do you have personal issues with her aside from being a rival at work?"

"It's not that we don't like each other and we don't have a fight either. I am not feeling well today."

"I'll take you to the hospital, then." My mouth was agape.

Hospital? Is he kidding me? I shook my head one after another.

"I don't want to, you know I'm afraid of going to the hospital since then, " I said honestly.

I'm afraid of the hospital, whether it's private or public. I like to watch horror movies where the setting is often in that place and I can imagine any scariest scenes when I am in that kind of place.

"Fei will sulk," he added. Well, I'm sure she would be since she sent her great brother just to pick me up.

"Alright," I said and just leaned back and closed my eyes. We don't say anything until we reach our destination.

I was about to open the car when he stopped me. I looked at him in wonder.

"Hmmm?" I asked with a frown.

"I'm still your boyfriend, okay?" I still blinked while processing what he said in my darned brain.

"Why? You haven't told them the truth yet?"

"Not yet."

"How about Dara?"

"She'll understand. We've talked about it already."

I let out a deep sigh.

"When are you going to tell them, Alester? We don't have any personal attachments now. You're dating Dara and they need to know."

"Don't do it now, my family will be sad, especially Fei."

We breathed in and out together.

Just come back to me now, Alester. That's what I wanted to say but I couldn't say it again.

"Okay. But after this, tell them so they don't expect from us anymore."

We looked at each other. In the end, I was the one who lost because I was the first who took my eyes away from him.

"Thank you," he said sincerely and quickly went out. He turned and opened the door for me. He even extended his hand to me.

"I miss this," I muttered.

"Which exactly?" he asked while looking at me. My heartbeat suddenly started racing for no definite reason.

"This place," I made an excuse but the truth is that the way he always supported me to get out of the car is what I was talking about.

"I thought it was me whom you missed," he answered and turned his back to me, immediately. I bit my lip and followed him silently.

I missed and still miss you more than this place, Lester.