¤ Chapter One ¤

AZRIEL:

Sometimes Azriel is afraid to love.

He always expected love to never find him, never accept him. For him to just walk the path of life by himself forever, surrounded by the dark memories and shadows he has no control over. That was what Azriel saw in his future. All his life he had been denied love. Had it ripped from his grasp. By his stepmother and two half-brothers. Then by Morrigan, though Azriel didn't blame her. Later, Elain chose Lucien. All the people he had loved had chosen someone else or deprived the shadowsinger from the one thing he wanted, he needed. Love. He had been broken so many times he gave up. No female wanted someone as broken and bruised as the shadowsinger. He was just another Illyrian male that had no use. A background character. Even though the others in the Inner Circle told him that that wasn't it.

Though Azriel never really cared for the female thing. He was scared to tell his friends his secret. That he fancied males more than females. He had pretended to be interested in females for all those centuries, just another mask for him to put on. Only he was much more interested in males from the start of his life. He couldn't deny he was attracted to Morrigan. All his male lovers had been kept a secret. It was after all his life; they had no say in who he could love. They didn't even know! It was one of the many secrets Azriel shielded from his friends.

After the war with Hybern, Azriel took a break. He flew into the mountains and only returned after two months. He had still been working, only he did it from afar and didn't meet anyone face to face. Azriel returned to the House of Wind, his eyes filled with an unreadable sadness. Cassian and Morrigan attempted several times to lift his spirits, with no use. He stayed a distance from the other members, barely speaking unless prompted or to give information. His state concerned the rest of the Inner Circle. They wondered what could have happened for him to be like this. Azriel often took walks by himself through the city to clear his head and try and distract him from the lingering ghost of darkness at the back of his mind. He seemed to be looking for an escape. It came to him, in the form of a ball invitation and some poison.

The ball was to be held at the Day Court by Helion. All Fae were expected to be well dressed and behave themselves. Little did Azriel know, this ball would end up giving him happiness and the thing he craved, love.

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"Helion has invited us to his Court to have an end of war ball. We are all invited as are the other Courts. It will take place in a week." Rhysand announced. The entirety of the Inner Circle and two others were present, lounging in the sitting room, having been summoned only a few moments ago.

On the couch, Mor had propped her feet up on Cassian's lap, his hands gripping her ankles. Amren sat in an armchair by the fireplace smirking at Rhysand. Feyre watched her mate, eyes full of love. Elain sat in another armchair with Nesta perched on the arm. Far from the others was Azriel. He stood off at a distance but still able to hear what anyone said, his shadows swirling around him.

"This means shopping!" Mor said excitingly. Feyre chuckled.

"It'll be interesting to see Helion again," Cassian joked, "Wonder if he's still chasing after us."

Thinking no one would notice, Azriel disappeared into shadow. He had left the house and headed to his own, which he had bought instead of staying with Cassian and Mor in the House of Wind. He lived in a small apartment by the Sidra. It wasn't much, a small dining room, sitting room and kitchen. A desk area for him to work at. A bedroom and a bathroom. Even a balcony looking out over the river. He kept this place a secret as most things in his life, warding it against anyone to be capable of finding it or winnowing into his home. Azriel laid down on his couch, trying to empty his mind of all thoughts. He would have to find something nice to wear. For now, he could relax.

RHYSAND:

Rhysand noticed Azriel leave. He shifted uncomfortably and shared a look with his mate. They all knew something was off about him. He was more distant and talked less. It was almost as if the friendship that took centuries to build had disappeared in a flash. Rhysand drew a hand through his black hair. He was growing steadily concerned for his brother's mental health. He seemed to be falling farther and farther into an abiss of nothing but darkness with no hope of returning. Azriel had even moved out of the House of Wind and into his own space, which remained unknown to the Inner Circle. The shadowsinger didn't join them at Rita's or during diner most nights, he only reported and left. Rhysand could tell that Morrigan thought this was all her fault. She didn't love him the way he loved her, though the other members of the Inner Circle knew that it wasn't. Elain thought that maybe it could have been her as well, Nesta immediately dismissed the idea. It was something else that drove the spymaster into such a state. Rhysand remembered when Azriel had come to talk to him not that long ago.

Rhysand was sitting on the chair in his study, gazing at the many reports on his desk and in his hand. He felt Azriel's presence outside the door, "Come in," Rhys called. The door opened and the Shadowsinger entered wearing his Illyrian fighting leathers and Siphons, "What is it?" Rhysand lowered the papers back onto his desk and looked up at his brother.

Azriel's eyes were full of uncertainty. His scarred hands figeting, an odd thing for the spymaster to do. He was usually stoic in his emotions. Azriel only stood looking nervous. Rhysand waitied patientley knowing he would speak when he was ready. Azriel let out a sigh, "I've been feeling off." Rhys cocked his head, "Rhys, why has everyon-everything abandoned me?" Azriel's voice cracked near the end.

Rhys's heart broke, "Not everything. Az, you aren't alone. You have so many people around you who care and love you. You have not been abandoned." Rhysand rose from his desk and went over to his dejected friend. He placed a hand on Azriel's shoulder, "Why do you feel this way?"

Azriel rose his head to meet Rhysand's eyes and the High Lord saw self-loathing and a pain that was ripping the shadowsinger apart, "It's nothing. I just-" Azriel trailed off.

"You can tell me brother." Rhysand looked deep into the hazel eyes he knew so well. Azriel's eyes filled with tears, he opened his mouth to speak but no words came only a chocked sob. The tears in the hazel eyes spilled free and soon Azriel was sobbing into Rhysand's shoulder. Wordlessly, Rhys wrapped his brother into his arms. It broke him to see Azriel like this. He had only cried in front of them once before, but not like this. They stayed like that for what felt like hours to Rhys, before Azriel lifted his head and wipped his eyes. He left not after thanking Rhysand and begging him to not tell anyone.

Rhys was ripped from the memory by Feyre placing a hand on his leg. Her blue-gray eyes reaching far into his own trying to read his emotions. Mor and Cassian were whispering among themselves, no doubt over their shadowsinger's odd behaviour. Nesta and Elain were rising from their perches and heading to the kitchen. Rhys gave Feyre a small smile before turning his attention to the other members of his Inner Circle.

"He's been like that since the end of the war. Is he sick or something?" Mor was saying.

"He isn't," Rhys said before he could stop himself. The others looked at him. Rhysand sighed, he knew he should tell the others bu it could help Az. Rhys eventually decided knowing if the shadowsinger found out, he sould have Rhys' head, "He came to my study a week or so ago. He asked me why everything had abandoned him. I told him he wasn't alone that we all care and love him, I told him he hasn't been abandoned. Then I asked him why he thought that, he couldn't answer and ended up sobbing into my shoulder. It's his own mind that's making him this way." Rhysand lowered his head.

Morrigan shook her head, "Why does he always do this? Why does he hide his emotions away? We could help him, if he just told us what was going on." Cassian nodded.

"Is there anyway we can help?" Feyre asked. Her own eyes were brimmed with tears. She had no idea that Azriel had been feeling this way.

Rhys shook his head, "Not that I know of." The rest of the night was spent in silence, minds turning trying to think of ways to help the spymaster.

AZRIEL:

It was a day before they would leave for the Day Court. Cassian was getting slightly fed up with Azriel's behavior that he confronted him.

Cassian and Azriel were training on the roof of the House of Wind. When Cassian asked, "Az, you're acting off. What's going on?"

Azriel visibly stiffened, "It's none of your business." They stopped their fight and stood watching each other.

"It is Az! You're my brother! I need to know if you're okay, because you sure are acting like you aren't." Cassian pushed Azriel back causing the shadowsinger to stumble, "Something is happening inside that head of yours. Why won't you tell me?"

"I can't!" Azriel bellowed. He looked down at his scarred hands. Cassian staring at his brother in shock, "I can't," he said softly, "Just bug off Cassian." The spymaster lifted his wings and flew away. Cassian stood still; his eyes filled with sorrow. Morrigan found him like that an hour later, Cassian's eyes fixed on the spot where Azriel had stood just moments before. She asked him what had happened but Cassian said nothing.

¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤ ¤

On the morning of the ball, Azriel woke in his bed with a sharp pain in his stomach. He waved it off and began to get ready for the ball. He had chosen his outfit the day prior. He grabbed a quick breakfast before winnowing to the House of Wind.

Azriel arrived at the House of Wind and walked through the front door after knocking slightly. His shadows swirled tightly around him. He wore a dark blue collared tunic tucked into a pair of black pants secured with a belt. A black jacket around his shoulders with slits for his wings. His hair was unruly and falling into his eyes, having grown out a little over the years. His hazel eyes were downcast. His wings drooping slightly, though not dragging on the ground. His scarred hands were covered in black gloves with blue stitching. Truth-Teller attached to Azriel's waist; the other weapons had been placed under a glamour earlier by his magic. It may be a ball, but he would come prepared.

The rest of the Inner Circle were waiting in the sitting room, dressed extravagantly. Morrigan wore a red gown with a plunging neckline that reached her navel. It hugged her figure and had a slit down one leg. Feyre wore a white dress with flowing sleeves and a neckline that stopped just below her breasts. The dress was slightly see-through showing off her pale skin. A flowing white cape attached at her shoulders. Atop Feyre's head sat a circlet of stars. Rhysand was wearing a black tunic with silver details, tied with a belt around his waist, over a pair of black pants. A black cape spilled from his shoulders. A crown of stars, like Feyre's, sat atop his own head. Cassian wore a white shirt and black trousers, his hair falling freely. A smirk played on his lips. It was no surprise he had dressed so casually.

Together they winnowed to the Day Court. When they arrived, soldiers came and led them through a set of large gold gates and into the courtyard of Helion's home. Large beautiful trees and greenery met the visitors. Ahead of them a beautiful house of white and gold sat, glittering in the sun. So far, the Day Court was living up to the rumors of being more beautiful by day. They were greeted at the front doors by Helion himself. He smiled and waved. He wore a white tunic with gold detailing laid into the fabric and white trousers. A gold crown nestled in his black hair. Helion's amber eyes glittered with joy and mischief. His dark skin contrasted the white of his shirt and trousers.

"Come in! Come in! The celebrations have just begun." The High Lord of Day said. Azriel was in no mood to celebrate. He was still feeling pricks of pain and his mind whirled. They entered the entranceway, following Helion as he showed them the way.

Azriel froze when the pain he had felt that morning came back, this time more forcefully and sharper. The shadowsinger sucked in a breath, trying to not let the pain show on his face. Rhysand turned to look at Azriel, concern etched his face. The rest of the Inner Circle looked at the shadowsinger as well.

"Are you alright Azriel?" The spymaster didn't know who spoke as his vision blurred and his ears buzzed. Azriel shook his head trying to clear his mind, it only made a sense of vertigo settle on him. He clutched his midsection with his arms as another bought of pain was brought there. A hand touched his shoulder causing Azriel to flinch. "It's alright Az. It's me, Feyre. Can you tell me what's happening?" Splitting agony was all Azriel felt. He couldn't speak, he was too afraid that all would leave his mouth is a scream. Azriel clenched his teeth as he fell to his knees. His wings wrapped around his body. Rhysand was by him in an instant.

"Az, let me in." Rhys said. He tried to enter Azriel's mind but met a wall of sheer adamant Azriel, stopping him, "Come on Az, I need to help you." Rhys's eyes filled with fear, concern and anger all aimed at the shadowsinger. Azriel wanted to, but his shields always shut tightly if he was in danger. He had trained them to do so.

Helion was shouting at two guards. Azriel let out a groan of pain. His eyes widened as a more forceful wave of hurt passed through his body and Azriel let loose his first scream. No one moved. Azriel almost never screamed, unless a battle cry. This was a sound of pure torture. Something was seriously wrong for Azriel to let loose such a cry. The shadowsinger clenched his teeth, his eyes firmly closed. His wings flared open before snapping back to their curled position, trying to protect him from the outside world.

"Out of the way! Healer coming through!" A male came running. He had dark brown wavy hair that was cut short. And dark green eyes. He had a defined jawline and rounded nose. His lips full. His skin slightly tanned. The male wore a sky-blue tunic with brown trousers and a brown belt around his waist. His proportions were just shy of perfection. He seemed to be surrounded in sunlight. He knelt down beside Azriel and touched his shoulder. Azriel groaned.

"I need you to lay back," The male spoke in a soothing voice. Azriel instantly wanted to hear his voice all-day every day. The shadowsinger tried to lay back, but found it impossible. He shook his head. The male seemed to understand, "I'm going to knock you out. It won't hurt but it will help us determine what's wrong." Azriel nodded. The male snapped his fingers and darkness claimed Azriel. He slumped forward, luckily the male caught him in time.

KIRAN:

Kiran gazed down at the male in the bed. The planes of his face were elegant. His dark hair lay on his forehead with an abnormal grace. His ears were rounded, unlike most other Fae. His shirt had been removed and displayed the fine-toned muscles on his tan-skinned body. Attached to his back were two massive wings that looked much like those of a bat. His hands were brutally mapped with scars, making Kiran wonder where he had obtained such an injury. Even in his sleep, shadows swirled around him. Kiran felt drawn to this male. During his time caring, Kiran began to notice small things about the strange male. Like the way his wings would twitch if Kiran brushed it with his fingers especially over particular spots. Or the way his lips parted to breathe deeply. Kiran felt pulled in by the male.

Kiran was pulled from his thoughts by the sound of rustling sheets. There was a groan, and a pair of hazel eyes locked onto Kiran's dark green ones. That's when he felt it snap into place. Oh no.

Kiran quickly turned his head and coughed, "Good to see you're awake," He said. The other male continued to stare, "I'll go get your friends. They've been waiting outside since you got here. I'll only get them if you want me to that is." The hazel eyed male was fixated on the other before him.

He hates you. He's disgusted. You're disgusting! He doesn't want you as his mate. He's a male, he can't be your mate. It's not normal!

Kiran tried to get rid of the thoughts bouncing around in his head, "I'll go get them then." Kiran turned to leave only to stop as a hand encircled his wrist. He turned and met that hazel gaze once again.

"Tell me your name." The male with hazel eyes said.

Kiran gulped, "It's Kiran."

"Kiran," The other male whispered, tasting it on his tongue. Kiran shivered. When this male said his name, it felt right, "I'm Azriel." What a beautiful name, it fits him.

"Hello Azriel." Kiran smiled. He turned and walked out of the door, closing it with a sigh. Little did he know, saying his name had the same affect on Azriel as it did on Kiran.