Chapter 103 - Canteen, again.

Before leaving for Clay Nest, Xin and Lei visited a canteen.

"Xin!" A familiar ringing female called out to him. Wu Xiaoyun now wore a long haircut, with two braids cascading down her shoulders, adorned with delicate decorative pins, made of gold, and her forehead was covered by unevenly cut, stylish bangs. Her dark makeup was now gone, and was instead replaced with a classic, jade beauty type of pale face with rosy cheeks. Quite a transformation. Again.

"Xiaoyun! So it was you in the queue? You were quite far, I didn't recognize you." Xin looked at her with his eyes squinted. She now wore a leafy light green long dress, thin at the waist and highlighting her curves, with a low neckline and subtle floral ornaments. She went up to Xin and hugged him.

"I'm so glad you returned! Lei, too..." Xin was about to hug her back, but got flustered by her bust pressing into his ribs, and by the time he recomposed himself, she already let go. "How are you, guys?"

"I'm great, Xiaoyun! I'm glad to see you. But the timing is not the best, I need to go take a leak." Lei nodded and quickly retreated.

"Eh?" Xin followed him with his gaze. Didn't we pee like ten minutes ago? Ah, I get it, same trick again! "Well, Xiaoyun, I wanted to seek you out, actually. To thank you."

"Oh? It's you who's a war hero. The most rewarded mortal in the sect, quite an accomplishment. Should get your friend checked, by the way, he's rather leaky." She smiled.

"Hehe, maybe it's his fire path's water element vulnerability. The war hero thing, though? It's all thanks to you. Without your inheritance, I might have died in a duel with that cunt. Oh, and your elixir, too. Saved my life. I'm in your debt."

"You aren't." Her face was resolute as she denied his gratitude. "You saved my life before, and several times at that. So forget it, you don't owe me anything. And that... clam, who is she?"

"Name's Ling Yue. Divine Sword sect's prodigy. Some sort of exchange master, she studied the Shadow Fist in the Fist sect. Fucked up shadow element bloodline, almost killed her, but my human qi got overwhelmed..."

Wu Xiaoyun poured herself and Xin some wine. Her eyes were almost wet. "Is my story that interesting?", Xin wondered.

"Let's not swear, Xin. It's a civil place. Frankly, you look terrible. Do you get enough sleep?"

Xin straightened his spine. Isn't this girl into me? Why is she insulting me? 

"Somewhat. Six hours or so. I train a lot, and I am reading a lot on alchemy… I've got a big refining project incoming that I'll be executing in the wilderness. I can't afford to fail at it."

"Wilderness? Xin, you already look quite... Barbaric. You have a nice manly facial shape, beautiful eyes and you're quite tall. But that shaggy hair, it's not the best look. Do you even comb it?"

Xin rolled his eyes.

"Oh, you sound just like that girl. Don't worry, I won't gouge your eye out, hehehe." In response to these words, Wu Xiaoyun furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Ehm... You haven't heard of it? When we fought, I kind of popped her eye. Sorry, it's a joke, I didn't mean it like that. My hair, well, I straighten it with a towel, and fix it with my hand afterwards. Is it bad?"

Wu Xiaoyun rolled her eyes, too.

"You've got to take good care of yourself, you'll soon look homeless. Also, shave, you don't have what it takes to grow a beard, this stub isn't doing you any favours."

What's with that girl? She used to act meek and stumbled on her words, and now that she got herself a dress that highlights her tits she's bullying me? Xin started trying to find something to make fun of her back, but realised how stupid it would be and restrained himself.

"Stop nagging me, you aren't my mom. How are you, by the way? You've changed your style again."

"Oh, Xin! I didn't mean it like that. Just noticed that you four... Well, three…" Her gaze turned quite somber as she was reminded of Murong Zhan's death again. "... are quite blunt, you know? So I thought you'd be fine with me being more honest, but I guess we aren't that close. Forgive me. My style? I'm trying to find my new self, since I can't relate with my old self, you know? Cheerful bright hair, pale simple clothing, it's just not... Me, you know? It was planted."

"I see. Well, everything in us was planted, one way or another. You've got to choose what seeds to cultivate, though."

"I see. You sound like a wood path master. Simple, but profound."

"Well, that's not the whole story. The 'you' that is making a choice was also planted. There is no true agency, we are one with the world. Doesn't mean that there is no 'me', but this 'me' is shackled by the same rules that the planted ideas are. I think the solution is helping the planted ideas and your inborn 'me' entwine, and grow into something new. Why, though? I don't know. Feels right. Was probably planted, too. Hehe." Xin took another sip of wine and felt embarrassed. I'm such a pretentious retard.

"That's quite a sad outlook on life. It's like you don't believe in free will." He noticed the gleam in her eyes fade away.

"There is no free will, true. There's just will. And a single human is a product of a thousand wills."

Wu Xiaoyun didn't respond, she just stared at Xin. He looked into her hazel eyes again. She's... Interesting looking. Xin didn't find her attractive in the classic sense, but thought she looked non-conventional and elegant. Even her facial shape looked different every time she changed her style, a trick of hairstyles, clothing and makeup, this slightly creeped Xin out.

"What?" He asked her. She looked like she wanted to say something, but was hesitant.

"Had a stupid thought. About the... Wood path." She nodded, as if saying "you get it". She didn't want to mention the inheritance aloud. "I'm struggling to influence the grass puppets I'm making, but that's because the 'I', the will I'm trying to channel isn't actually me. It's what I think of myself, or rather what I want to think of myself. Hard to project something so fake. And if I try to channel an inner desire or an urge, it also doesn't work. Maybe it's because..."

"Yes, that's it!" Xin suddenly got lively and interrupted her. It was rare that a woman managed to stimulate him intellectually, so he lost his control. "The first case, you can't channel that will because it's nothing but an escape from the feeling of inadequacy, and it crumbles when you try to utilise it. A pseudo will. And when you try to channel your urges and emotions, you didn't fully accept or integrate them into your identity, so they are raw and unrefined, a part of you even rejecting them, and the puppets feel it.

You know, there are these people that say they are 'one thing at work, another thing at home', they actually end up being shit people at home, as well. Because they try to distance themselves from all these different versions of their self, but by ignoring them, they let them penetrate other parts of their being unnoticed, and fall victim to them. A tragic irony. Any version of you is you, even the one you don't like, sadly. And, when you try to take control, you feel inadequate, because there is a conflict of identities. There is only one solution, and it's chasing this feeling of inadequacy away. Take the reins. I believe in you."

Wu Xiaoyun felt like she got smaller, she hunched slightly and averted her gaze. Her cheeks blushed as she recollected herself to give Xin an answer.

"Xin... I think you're right. It's exactly what's happening, I feel. It's kind of overwhelming, to be honest. I need to reflect on this. Thank you."

"Oh, thank you! It's rare that a woman manages to make me think!" He said loudly. He noticed a bunch of girls on a neighbouring table give him a side eye. 

"I'll... Take it as a compliment." Chase this feeling away. Sounds easier said than done.

Several minutes later, Wu Lei returned.

"How did it go?" He smirked as he tried to read Xin's expression. "Hey, girls!" He called over a company of mortal women on a neighbouring table, the one that just gave Xin a side eye. "Did my boy behave? Please tell me truthfully."

"Your boy? Hehehe. Well, sister Xiaoyun and disciple Xin just chatted, from what I could tell."

"His boy. Hehehe." Another girl whispered into her friend's ear.

"Oh, fine. Alright, so how did it go?"

"We just talked. I gave her my cultivation insights, we talked about some personal stuff. It was refreshing."

"And?"

"And? That's it. Please no comments about..." Xin said quietly.

"Oh, don't worry." Lei also toned down his voice. "I won't say anything about her juicy rack, and that neckline, and her nipples subtly protruding from that dress. And her sweet perfume, too."

"Bloody degenerate, I told you I don't see her that way."

"You're an idiot if you don't take her. Don't be a fag, come on."

"Fuck off, you sound too invested in me fucking someone who gave you a boner, did Tu Qiang bite you? Let's go visit granpa Chonglin."

"What, you wanna fuck him, instead?"

Xin stood up and exhaled.

"I'll go empty my tray, I don't get a bunch of mortals serving me like you do." 

Lei nodded and grinned playfully again. He already had several dirty lines prepared for when Xin returns.