Chapter XLIX: Cooking... Cigars?

A cauldron bubbles with what can only be an extremely deadly acid while multiple tubes feed even more dubious liquids into it. The annoying sound of nirnroot resounds all around the great alchemist's laboratory while fumes obscure most natural sight. The lab looked like something that one might within a caricature or some mocking image representing chemists of both persuasions, legal or otherwise.

A dark-skinned man lay knocked out atop the table, and an emptied out nargila-esque glass bottle stood near him, still exuding fumes that would straight up kill those who were either too weak or just not sufficiently protected from its toxicity.

Alchemical ingredients were thrown about haphazardly all over the place, with certain plants being close to each other for seemingly no reason, yet if you even dared question the laboratory's owner about it he would launch into an hour long lecture about the 1% increase in effectiveness swamp pods had on deathbell.

Speaking of the damned flower I was patiently grinding tiny little chunks of the purple leaves when a sleepy Morrigan sneezed, launching a minuscule amount of fire salts straight into my caldron.

I watched in pure horror as the grain of salt fell into the pot and the entire thing started to bubble uncontrollably. I was just about to open a window and yeet the whole thing outside when Hakan suddenly rose from his seat and practically teleported in front of the cauldron.

He gave it a cursory glance, a mere tenth of a second, before sniffing and immediately tossing a blue mountain flower petal inside. The entire thing calmed down immediately, as if a spell was cast and within a silent minute it all congealed into a paste-like substance.

Hakan looked my way and nodded with a happy smile "I think we finally have it!"

I stared at him blankly for a prolonged while before sighing "What actually happened just now?"

"No idea" He shrugs "But it works and the effect should be rather potent!" He makes a shooing motion with his hand "Quickly now dry the damned thing out, we don't have a week to wait for it to bask in the sun."

"Wouldn't that damage the concoction?" I ask with a raised eyebrow.

The Redguard scoffs "Oh please, why would it do that?"

"Interference or somesuch?" I posit.

He rolls his eyes "Just because you can cook faster doesn't mean you can't cook properly. Don't listen to those idiotic purist chefs young man, a job done quickly is a job done well!"

I am fairly certain that that is not how things should work but I have no energy to argue with someone with enough self-assurance to convince himself he is sober and actually make it happen.

And so with a deep sigh of acceptance, I start removing the moisture from the greyish-brown mass in the cauldron, my eyes widening with each second as the sludge somehow turns into what looks like dried-out brown tobacco.

What the fu-

"Hohohoho!" Hakan was rubbing his hands with a gleeful expression "I knew that launching dust upon my student would produce a magnificent result!"

He completely ignores Morrigan's groan and mutter of "Go die in a fire you bumbling buffoon."

"We only needed but one additional catalyst to stabilize the other one hundred and four!" Hakan proceeds happily before sheepishly adding "The fact that we needed to stabilize that after was only a lucky bonus!"

"How can adding more random ingredients just to control those you already have be considered even mildly positive?" I ask with a twitching eyebrow.

"Much like adding a rune will increase power no matter how minutely" He responds slyly and without hesitation "Alchemy, unlike enchanting only benefits from added complexity seeing as the ingredients 'power' themselves."

I sense a bit of competitiveness from his words but thankfully it is of the sporting variety.

"Well, that is how it works for me" He quickly adds "An amateur would quickly find themselves poisoned to death if they tried to experiment like I do, actually they would probably turn into unidentifiable sludge."

Noticing Morrigan contemplating throwing her shoe at the man I quickly steer the conversation in another direction "Well then, if you are certain of success we might as well try them out" Before he can suggest anything I add "But we will do it on the balcony, even my lungs might get fucked with so many gasses in the air."

One funny thing I learned about Hakan was that he was a complete and utter shut-in, unlike the darker pallor of his skin might suggest the man hated being in the sun and would make any possible excuse to remain indoors. This might have raised some suspicions of him being a vampire if not for the copious amount of silver he liked using in some of his more well-known concoctions now that I think about it.

He scoffs "I will have you know this whole room is enchanted to hell and back to ensure that no unintended poisoning occurs!"

Ignoring that last mildly unnerving comment I quickly scan the lab and realize that the whole thing was covered in a ridiculous amount of purifying and protection runes. Still, I choose not to give him a way out and simply grab him by the arm and start leading him outside while levitating the cauldron.

"Wait!" He yells "I still need to grab the wrappings!"

I give him a snide look and my eyes emit a light glow as one of his cupboards opens and a bunch of large dried-out leaves fly up behind me.

The grown-ass Master of alchemy pouts like a child as I drag him outside, Morrigan's amused giggling following us the entire way.

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Hakan passes me a small cigar wrapped up in dried hist leaf and I immediately place it in my mouth and use my thumb as a lighter. The moment I inhale the blue smoke I feel like all of my synapses fire at the same time as my Magicka starts to bubble below my skin, yet as I exhale I feel more mellow and at peace than I felt when I died.

Wait up, I died once?! Whut!? Who even am I? 

*Blink*

Ah yees, Reyvin Dagoth, I remember now.

"Good shit right?" Hakan smirks from his seat, his brown eyes glowing as his own Magicka was getting riled up by the cigar.

"Yuuup" I recline back in my chair "Juuuust great."

He chuckles and looks to the other person sitting with us "Still don't want to try it out?" He asks Morrigan with a cheeky smile.

She scoffs and stretches her arm demandingly "Just give it here you damned idiot."

The Redguard giggles and offers her an even smaller cigar, much to her confusion.

That confusion lasts all of a singular second as she draws in a puff of smoke and freezes completely. Magicka explodes all around her as her amber eyes glow with blinding light and she realizes she just pulled in the equivalent of a greater Magicka potion.

While the Reachwoman was having a coughing fit I turned to Hakan and asked "So how did we go from making something relaxing I could inhale to creating this monstrosity?"

He grumbles something under his breath before giving me a pointed look "You brought me an entire set of alchemy rings of the highest quality, I might be high out of my mind most of the time but I am also an honest businessman." His eyes turn manic all of a sudden "And I wanted to see if I could replace Arcane Ascension with what is basically a personalized alchemical agent" His manic grin widens "I can say with utmost certainty I have succeeded!"

"Hold up a second" I stare at the cigar burning extremely slowly in my hand "This thing is equivalent to doing a day's worth of Magicka exercise?"

"Indeed." Is his all too smug response "And the recipe for this personalized version is yours."

"Rad" I smirk, way too unbalanced by my first, and likely strongest ever, taste of the magic tobacco to be even slightly polite "Can I send a couple of subordinates your way so they can learn how to make it? I would do it myself but busy."

He grumbles "Fine, send three of them."

"Cheers!" I quip and turn to Morrigan who was drooling face down on the table "You good?" I ask.

"'m fine." She mumbles.

"Daaaw" Hakan squeaks "Poor thing is completely out of it."

"This happen often?" I ask with an amused smile.

He waves it off like it isn't a big deal "Only rarely, she usually doesn't test things stronger than her immunity in front of others."

"Guess the curiosity got the better of her this time" I chuckle and take another long puff of magihuana.

Ah, bliss!

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I exhale a large amount of blue smoke as I rapidly sign document after document, absentmindedly tossing a couple to the side.

Savos, who was waiting for me to finish scrunched his nose up in confusion as he caught a whiff of the smoke but didn't otherwise comment.

Another fifty signed forms later I place my cigar into the silver ash tray I transmuted earlier and call out "Karsus!"

The middle aged Dunmer enters my study "Yes my lord?"

I point toward the stack of paper "I am finished, consider the unsigned pile completely rejected."

He nods, unperturbed and picks up the two stacks of paper, as he is about to leave he looks back "Ah yes, I was told by lady Edrassa that there has been a minor breakthrough in the snow blood project and that she humbly requests your presence whenever you have the time."

I hum and after a moment nod to my steward "Thank you Karsus, you may continue with your duties."

He bows once again and shuts the door behind him.

Before I can even try and speak up Savos lunges at me and grabs both my hands while his eyes take on a manic shine.

"And... what exactly are you doing?" I ask, completely confused.

"How do you do it?!" He hisses.

"I am going to need a bit more than that gramps." I drawl.

"The paperwork!" His eyes glow even brighter "How do you do it so fast?!"

I raise an eyebrow, a snide smirk forming on my face "What, you have trouble with something so mundane?"

He growls lightly before letting go of my hands "Just tell me for Divines' sake, I swear I am too young for my hair to go grey!"

"Aren't you like over 300-" I begin but he interrupts me.

"Just tell me, please." The sincerity in his eyes as he practically begs for his release from torment is too much.

I sigh "I can't even mock you if you ask so nicely." He seemingly relaxes and I give him the magic solution "Just use clairvoyance."

"...Clairvoyance?" He questions, his tone one of bafflement.

"Indeed." I smirk "Just look into the future and see which documents you sign and which you don't, if there is one that requires a more complex bit of work then just do that one manually."

The Archmage stills completely before gaping like a fish out of water. He stands there, unmoving for about a minute before mumbling "It was that fucking simple..."

He turns to leave in a rush but I call out "Savos!"

He turns around and I swear his red eyes somehow managed to look bloodshot "What?"

"Why did you come here in the first place?" I ask while smirking in amusement.

"Oh that" He says absent mindedly "Shalazar has agreed to your little orb project."

"He did?" I ask with some surprise but quickly exchange the surprise with glee "Capital!"

"That is nice" Savos nods along, probably not listening to me at all "Ihavetogonowbie!" and disappears.

'What an asshole.' I snort and turn my thoughts to what really matters.

I was a wizard with powerful robes and fireballs, many a tome have I gathered and a glorious familiar was bound to me but I lacked one very important thing... An orb to ponder.

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I, unlike my most riveting of characters, shall content myself with asking for stones instead of an orb.

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