87. Hell in a Bucket ~Lord of the Things~

1 year ago...

Gumball, Anais, and Darwin throw the tinfoil hat into the junkyard's smelter. They each cheer "Hooray!!!" out of happiness, sigh in relief, and walk away. The trio walks away speaking about how awesome they just were.

Suddenly, a man teleports at the edge of the melted lava and grabs the bucket with gauntlets in his hand. It's...

Miguel JoJo?

"Hm..." said Miguel. Miguel speaks to his recorder. "Log 10567. Gumball told me about the lucky helmet they threw into the smelter. I acquired the helmet via my Star Platinum. It is also infected with the Stand Bacteria."

Star Platinum, wearing gauntlets, brings the helmet out, and somehow, the helmet is completely fine.

"It emits dark matter and quantum energies similar to Josuke's Prince that bend causality and luck according to the User's will," said Miguel. "I could very well use this for my research."

Miguel pops out of reality and returns to the present day...

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Darwin.

The Jazz Fusion sneak into the Reapercave and check something out.

They look around in the gadgetry section, seeing multiple devices The Reaper had made.

"Whoa..." said Darwin.

"Why do I feel... ominous?" asked Gumball. Gumball eats cookies from his pocket.

"Here it is! The thing we need to destroy!" smiled Josuke, pointing to an object on a small desk in the middle of the room under a cylinder glass.

The Helmet.

"My... precious..." whispered Gumball in a terrifying hissing whisper.

"What?" asked Josuke.

"What?" asked Gumball.

Later...

Josuke tries to use Prince to tear the helmet into pieces, but the helmet doesn't break.

"-ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!!" yelled Prince, as Josuke pants out of exhaustion.

The Jazz Fusion is in the cafe.

"Okay," said Josuke. "It seems that Prince can't uh... penetrate the luck barrier of this thing... Whatever it's made of."

Josuke puts it on and is unamused. "Nothing's happening."

"You have no idea what power that helmet has, fool!!!" hissed and growled Gumball.

"What?" asked Josuke.

Suddenly, an assassin charges toward Josuke with a dagger but slips on a banana peel and slams into the window, shattering the glass as he falls on the feet of a cop. "GET DOWN!!! DOWN ON THE GROUND!!! DOWN ON THE GROUND, NOW!!!"

Josuke, confused, raises his eyebrow.

"See!?" asked Gumball who was hissing and growling.

"Gumball, we're both normally lucky, though," said Josuke.

"Yes... But with the helmet, our luck will be unstoppable... While my luck only saves me from harm, with that helmet... I'll be unstoppable!!!" hissed Gumball, growling.

The whole team looks at Gumball with concern.

"I mean... we'll be unstoppable!" smiled Gumball in his normal voice. "Hehe!"

Josuke stares at the hat.

"Finn?" asked Josuke, as Finn grabs the helmet and puts it on.

"Nothing's happening," said Finn.

"Try turning it backward," said Jake.

Finn suddenly drops his new watch as he bends down to take it.

"Whoa!" smiled Finn, as he grabs a lottery ticket. "It's a lottery ticket!It won 10 Billion Pesos last night! And... the phone matches my phone number and the guy's name is Finn Merten, too! I should just add the letter 'S' in the last letter and the ticket's mine!"

"Yoink!" smiled Jake, grabbing the helmet and putting it on.

"Hey!" shouted Finn.

Suddenly, a chicken bucket falls from the sky and falls on his hands.

"WHOA!!!" smiled Jake, as he dug in. "It's all drumsticks! My favorite part!"

Spongebob "wears" it next. (Actually, Spongebob just enters the helmet as if it's his home.)

"Hey! I just got an idea for a new recipe!" smiled Spongebob.

Patrick grabs the helmet, lifts it, pulls it away from Spongebob, and goes inside.

"Hey! A quarter!"

Patrick grabs the quarter and runs to the horse ride beside the restaurant.

Darwin wears it.

He is then given money by some random dude in a cloak. The cloaked man runs away immediately.

"Whoa!" smiled the Jazz Fusion.

"GIMME IT!!!" growled Gumball, grabbing the hat and caressing it. "It's mine!!! Ngyabababajahahahahaha!!! My precious...I'll kill all of you fricks!!!*normal voice*No!!! They're your friends!*evil voice*Your friends!? They're just pawns for your amusement... What you really need is the hat...*normal voice*No... Gumball doesn't need this from you!*evil voice*No... Gumball needs this absolutely!!!*coughs*Gumball!!! Gumball!!! Gumball!!!"

"GIVE ME THAT!!!" yelled Finn, grabbing the helmet.

"I NEED MORE QUARTERS!!!" yelled Patrick, as he brought out his Stand to attack Finn.

"THAT'S MINE!!!" yelled Darwin, transforming into a Gorilla and beating his chest.

"RAUGH!!!" Jake shape-changes into his large self and attacks the Jazz Fusion with a large hammer-shaped fist.

"FOR THE KRUSTY KRAB!!!" yelled Spongebob, pointing a gun at each of them.

"NOT ONE OF YOU FOOLS TOUCH MY PRECIOUS!!!" coughed Gumball. "Gumball!!! Gumball!!! Gumball!!!"

Josuke uses Prince to grab the helmet.

"Guys!?" asked Josuke, as they horrifyingly slowly turn to Josuke.

"Josuke..." they hissed.

"Welp... Mr. Reaper taught me this secret technique his dad taught him..." said Josuke.

(theme begins 0:58)

Josuke runs away.

"AFTER HIM!!!" hissed Gumball in his evil voice.

Josuke runs around town with the hat as the other six rush toward them. Darwin transforms into a cheetah and chases after Josuke. Jake turns into a dragon-shaped monster to chase after Josuke. Finn brings out Time Adventure to attack Josuke. Patrick brings out Goofy Goober Rock and rides the Stand to attack Josuke. Spongebob wishes for a remote-controlled tiny car and drives it while shooting at Josuke.

Josuke and the group chase in the alleyway. Left and right, from one sidewalk to another, the group chases each other while making a mess in the city.

"Officer?!" asked Felicity Parham, an orange magical cartoon blob. "Aren't you going to arrest them?"

She asks an officer who is a Manticore.

"No can do, madame," said the officer. "It's a Stand Battle. We usually just ignore the Stand-Users' ruckus as long as they don't bother anyone else."

"Who made the law in this world!? Honestly!?" asked Felicity.

Miguel, in his underwear, while eating a veggie burger, walks up to Felicity. "'Sup. I'm President. I made the current constitution. Been partying all night. Am I in the right dimension? By the way... don't tell my fiancee about anything that I said. You didn't see me."

Miguel tumbles backward into a bush beside them.

Meanwhile, the Jazz Fusion chase each other as Josuke uses his luck to block them. Things like pianos, anvils, tennis balls, and frisbees try to knock them out, but they all dodge.

"It's no use, Josuke!" shouted Finn. "You have no power against my algebraic moves!"

"MUDA!!!"

"ORA!!!"

*pow*

Suddenly, Gumball randomly falls before Josuke.

Josuke gasps.

"ORA!!!" shouted Prince, punching Gumball away, but Weird Like U.N. Me blocks the punch.

"UWA!!!"

*pow*

(theme ends...)

"Oh geez..." said Josuke. "KILLER QUEEN!!!"

The Jazz Fusion's eyebrows as they back away.

"BACK!!! BACK YOU SAVAGES... OR ELSE-!!!" yelled Josuke, as he raised the bucket in Killer Queen's hands. "I WILL BLOW THIS TINFOIL BUCKET UP!!!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" along the lines of these words everyone said.

"Don't blow that up, Josuke..." said Jake. "It's like a chicken bucket... but instead of chicken... there's heaven in that bucket!"

"It's a bucket full of heck! It's a heck in a bucket!" yelled Josuke. "And I'm not afraid to use Killer Queen for this! Look at us! It's tearing this group apart!What are we?! Savages!?"

Everyone is suddenly guilty and they each bow their heads in shame.

"Look at us! It changed your hearts and I'm the only one who can stop this!" yelled Josuke.

Everyone nodded sadly.

"Now... I'm going to blow this thing up, okay!?" asked Josuke.

Josuke runs away.

"Hehehehehehe..." evilly laughed Josuke. "Suckers!!! With this power, I could once and for all save my Empire!!! NGYEHEHEHEHEHE!!!"

Meanwhile...

Miguel, still in his underwear, snuck into the Reapercave's portal.

Miguel slowly tiptoed in the Reapercave, which has no lights on.

*ting*

The lights go on.

Anne is in her robe barefooted, tapping her right foot over and over again.

"Anne! Sweetie!" smiled Miguel.

"Hello," said Anne, with terrifying eyes. "Where were you?"

"I was... doing overtime with some paperwork!" smiled Miguel.

"Miguel... you said that we'd go to that party together!" yelled Anne, facepalming. "Do you have any idea how hard Bodyguard Jedan is working to take care of our kids in my place when I'm not taking care of them!?"

"Anne," said Miguel, crossing his arms. "I got one night off, Anne. BJ and I are practically our kids' legal parents. You are practically a person who goes into our house. You are a person who eats in it, bathes in it, shelters herself in it, drinks water in it, sleeps in it, asks money from me in it, and walks back to work the next day."

"When did you last spend time with our kids!?" asked Anne.

"Last night when they got to bed," said Miguel. "You?"

"Just three weeks ago that time when we spoke at the table," smiled Anne, crossing her arms.

Three weeks ago...

Anne texts on her phone. She looks at Gabrielle. "Hey."

She then turns to Raphael. "'Sup."

Today...

"I should bond with them more, huh..." said Anne.

"Yeah! Pretty much!" said Miguel. "Now, if you excuse me... since I have a mutated version of insomnia, I am here to bid you adieu and test on the magical helmet I got yesternight-..."

Miguel turns to the center desk.

"Anne..." said Miguel. "Did you happen to let the Jazz Fusion in my lab again?"

"Yeah, why?" asked Anne, smiling. "Oh, right! They're stupid! Forgot about that small detail! Haha!" Anne facepalms. "Slipped my mind, sweetie! I'm going to go teach our children how beds and clothes are made in our company, which is in fact a skill I learned in my new job!"

Miguel facepalms. "Ugh... Could you at least ask BJ to make Pakbet for tonight?"

"Sure thing!" smiled Anne, walking away.

"Stop calling me BJ!!!" yelled Bodyguard Jedan in the background.

"Never mind! I think he heard me!" shouted Miguel.

Meanwhile...

"Josuke's been gone for like an hour..." said Finn. The Jazz Fusion is found all sitting at the mansion's dining table. "*GASP!!!* You think he-?"

They all stand up at once.

"Now, now... All of you sit down... I'll take care of this," sneered Gumball in his evil voice.

"Uh... We don't trust you because you're insane right now?" asked Darwin rhetorically.

"NOW, LISTEN HERE, BUSTERS!!!" yelled Gumball, pointing at their faces. "That Bucket Hat is connected to me the most because of my luck!!! Think of it this way, fools! With that bucket, I could have the power to make all of you newly made buckets!!!"

"Wouldn't that just worsen all of our morals and make us want all of the buckets?" asked Spongebob.

"Yeeees..." whispered Gumball, evilly.

"Excuse you?" asked Jake.

"No!" smiled Gumball.

Meanwhile...

Miguel teleports in front of Josuke.

"Josuke," said Miguel. "That hat. Give it. That hat is dangerous. I studied it, so I'm right."

Miguel is wearing gloves for both himself and Star Platinum. He reaches for the bucket hat.

"What does a Filipino like you know anything about anything, huh!?" asked Josuke.

"Well, I'm an Asian... I know science... and I'm damn well smart enough to know that stereotypes are done by losers for either pride or prejudice. In this case, it's damned pride... Pride that you think you're taking that because you want to save the world. You want that because your soul is corrupted, Josuke Higashikata. Give... the lucky helmet."

Josuke brings out Killer Queen.

"Freeze, or you'd regret it," said Miguel.

"Never!!! I NEVAH FREEZE!!!"

"Uh-huh..."

Star Platinum emerges from his body as Miguel stops time.

"Yoink," said Miguel, grabbing the tinfoil bucket.

"ORA!!!"

*POW*

Josuke's face is bashed in.

Time resumed.

"Stephen?" asked Miguel in his Bluetooth earphone.

"Yes, sir?" asked Stephen from the other end.

"Capture the Jazz Fusion," said Miguel. "I want each of them to be given the cure from the potion I made back in the Reapercave."

Later...

The Fusion wakes up each tied on seven chairs. In front of them is a one-sided mirror. Clearly, they are in the interrogation room.

Miguel turns off the reflection and the mirror becomes a window.

They growl, seeing the tinfoil on the cylinder on the other side.

"It was a mistake saving this bucket from the smelter," said Miguel. "I'd have to destroy it."

"NO!!!" yelled Gumball, as suddenly, a lightbulb falls on top of Miguel's head. However, Star Platinum catches the lightbulb.

"Jesus, Gumball!" yelled Miguel.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!" coughed Gumball. "Gumball!!! Gumball!!! Gumball!!!That is the one thing to rule them all... AND YOU'RE NOT GIVING IT TO ME!!!"

"This 'thing', Mr. Lord of the Things... is a Stand that seduces its victim and corrupts their morale. I named it Hell in a Bucket. I've been very careful trying to study it to know more about Josuke's powers... Looks like I need a different object to experiment on..." sighed Miguel. "Hay Naku..."

The Jazz Fusion struggles to break out of their chambers.

"I hooked you up to that chair with Stand-Destabilizers, heightened enough to dampen my anti-virus," said Miguel. "I will now break this thing to pieces..."

"ORA!!!" yelled Star Platinum, punching it while wearing the gauntlet.

"Huh?" asked Miguel.

"ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA ORA!!!" yelled Star Platinum, punching the helmet over and over again.

"K-K-!" Miguel clenched his teeth, seeing that the tinfoil hat isn't breaking into pieces. "What the hell?!"

Miguel calls someone on his phone. "Yo..."

"It's indestructible?" asked Zed.

"Yep," said Miguel. "You're a wizard so I figured if we put it into space... or-?"

"Nope... It'd use luck to bring it back to Earth," said Zed. "You have to destroy it."

"How!?" asked Miguel. "Those seven idiots are growling like feral children over there!"

Miguel points to the seven, who are all screeching and howling like monkeys.

"Try throwing it in a volcano," said Zed.

"What!?" asked Miguel. "Won't it just luck itself out of there?!"

"Not just any volcano," said Zed. "The most magical place in the Philippines! Mount Banahaw!"

"Which Earth?" asked Miguel.

"Does it matter?" asked Zed.

"Okay... take me to our Earth's Mount Banahaw, I guess," said Miguel.

Zed opens a portal as Miguel walks into it.

Gumball somehow got out of the chamber and leaps inside.

"No, wait!" yelled Zed, but the portal already closed.

"Eh," said Zed, raising his shoulders. "Not my problem."

Zed walks away, looking rather bored.

"Damn it, Zed! Why'd he bring me to the foot of the damned volcano!?" asked Miguel, looking rather annoyed. "UGH!!!"

For three days, Miguel walked up the steep volcano, though, he felt like some odd creature was watching him. Miguel walked and walked all toward the top. He walked, and walked, and walked... and walked... and WALKED!!! and walked... and walked...

"And you can see here that the writer had gone insane," said Prometheus.

I'm parodying Lord of the Rings, jackass! It's an inside joke!

"But you are in fact going insane at this point, right?" asked Prometheus.

Y-... Yeah...

...and walked... and finally... He reached a clearing, nearing the top of the volcano.

*CAW CAW*

An Ibong Adarna, a magical mythical rainbow bird, flies into Miguel's face and starts pecking and scratching him.

"GAH!!! FUCKING OFF OF ME!!!" he yelled, as Star Platinum kicked the magical bird away. "I'm sorry for eating your eggs!!! Christ! I've been starving for days!"

The Ibong Adarna shits on his shoulder as Miguel says, "Oh, no..." He flips the bird off and falls on his knees, falling into a deep sleep.

Miguel wakes up to see that the tinfoil hat is being held by Gumball.

"How long was I out?" asked Miguel.

"3 minutes," said Gumball.

"Thank you God for my Grimm genes..." sighed Miguel. "How the hell did you get out of my chamber?"

"I increased the probability for Raphael to come to the interrogation room and get me out so I can give him the cookies in my pocket," smiled Gumball.

"You do realize that I'm the fastest known Stand-User on the five worlds and you're right in front of me, right?" asked Miguel.

"Heh..." said Gumball.

Gumball immediately ran down the mountain, but Miguel teleported in front of him. Gumball ran the other way, which was up the mountain, as a meteor fell on Miguel. Star Platinum protected Miguel as armor and blasted a punch on the meteor, making it explode.

Gumball is knocked away by the blast as Miguel grabs the helmet and walks away.

2 more days... later...

A pair of Sarimanoks, rainbow chickens, peck, and scratch on his head.

"I wanted eggs!!!" yelled Miguel.

Star Platinum grabs both of them and throws them hundreds of meters away down the mountain.

"God!" yelled Miguel.

"Hello, there..." smiled a Duwende, a dwarf spirit.

"Oh... Hey," said Miguel.

"You're a Grimm, correct?" asked the Duwende, in a slow and calm voice.

"Yeah... Outta my way," said Miguel, climbing the mountain.

"And... you're also a Tik-Tik!" smiled the Duwende, as twilight and several sparkles surround the duwende. "How quaint! I'd let you go... However... YOU FOOLISH CREATURE!!! NO ONE SHALL DESECRATE SACRED GROUND AND GO UNPUNISHED!!! PREPARED TO DIE... WITH MAGIC THAT NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE... For you see... I am no ordinary duwende... I am a Mangkukulam who SHALL USE DARK MAGIC TO DESTROY Y-!!!"

*crack*

Miguel steps on the duwende.

"Bitch," said Miguel, as he proceeded to walk away.

2 more days... later...

Miguel finally reaches the top of the volcano.

Miguel prepares to throw it, lifting it in the air.

"No!" whispered Gumball."I mustn't do this! Mr. Reaper is my friend!*evil voice*Gumball! Gumball! That man is just a pawn for your amusement-...*normal voice*Is that literally the only phrase you know to describe literally anyone?*evil voice*I'm evil... Ngyehehehe...*normal voice*Uh... Huh... Look, I won't do it...*evil voice*Yes!*normal voice*No.*evil voice*Yes!*normal voice*No.*evil voice*That jackass is the reason why you can never use public bathrooms anymore and can therefore never go number one or two in public, even if it's an emergency...*normal voice*That monster! I'LL DO IT!!!*evil voice*Yeeeees..."

Gumball charges at Miguel from behind.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH-!!!" yelled Gumball, charging toward Miguel.

"ORA!!!"

*BANG*

*SPLAT*

Gumball, with his face bashed in and battered with blood all over, rolled downhill.

"Yeet," said Miguel, throwing the bucket down the volcano.

"Perdere," whispered Miguel.

The bucket is then destroyed in the volcano the moment it touches the lava.

"Hay Naku," sighed Miguel.

Gumball ran up and jumped into the volcano. "MY PRECIOUS-!!!"

"Nope!" shouted Miguel, as Star Platinum grabbed Gumball's tail.

"EEP!!!" yelled Gumball. "AHN!!!" he moaned sexually.

Miguel stares at Gumball in disgust for a moment.

Gumball stares back at him.

"Be glad I didn't throw you in that volcano, you batshit crazy little turd," said Miguel.