2

I don't know what happened after I closed my eyes seeing Dad. I don't know how I ended up coming home. I don't know in what situation dad brought me home or what the reaction on Jace's face was.

Was he worried about me?

Was he thinking about me with sincerity when I was closing my eyes, making them worried?

I don't know about anything but the moment I opened my eyes I found myself in my bed while my hands were connected with syringes which gave me enough pain for me to scream loud but I endured. Maybe this must be the first time I felt like a grown-up person.

After getting up from the bed, I removed the shots connecting my wrist. I went near the window and looked outside where all I could see were lights wherever I tried to look, but this is not what I wanted. I wanted to see the dark even if it was scary. Nothing is going the way I want, but I want to feel calm. Seeing everything moving smoothly with a bright smile as if there is no tomorrow makes me feel greedy.

My insides keep saying, is there anything I could say it is mine? There is nothing right? But I didn't get a single answer.

I stood barefoot at the entrance of the window which could push me down if my feet trembled even for a second but still I got hold of myself trying to take my step forward to experience how it could be to feel the true physical pain? Would it be less than the mental pain I'm having right now? I don't know.

I closed my eyes but the moment I opened my eyes I was standing near the window, not on the verge of dying, which made me realize it was all my imagination seeing me dying, but when I again think of the moment, it keeps giving me goosebumps. I'm just too scared to kill myself.

I walked toward the downstairs thinking I may have a worried dad. I should have said sorry to him, but the moment I was standing at the upper stairs I found them laughing, giggling as if I didn't exist. It was so loud which was making the entire hall echo their voice again and again making me laugh louder than them. Here I kept getting worried about them, but what about me? Do they ever think of having the worry I have for myself? Am I not their responsibility too?

I don't know anything. I thought I could have little thought about my life, but all just ended up being an illusion I could never, ever erase.

I kept standing in the same place where I saw Dad looking at me.

"You woke up?" he asked, coming running toward me, but I stopped waving my hand.

"What happened?" he asked again.

"Don't come here?" I said in a low tone, which was barely audible.

"What did you say?" he asked me again.

"I said not to move," said looking toward the floor. I do not know what kind of response I will get, but still, I wanted to say until I can lift the heavyweight on my shoulder.

"But why?" he asked me again.

"As you know, you three are having a happy family dinner, so why would you bother coming here, interrupting the fun time?" I said, bringing a forceful smile to my face, which I thought I would never be able to do, but somehow I learned.

"What do you mean? Aren't there four of us in the family?" dad said while my brother and mom kept looking at me without blinking their eyes.

"We? You sure dad?"

"Of course we are", he said, trying to take his steps forward when I again stopped him.

"Dad, do you remember when was the last time I had dinner with the three of you and was smiling nonstop?" I asked.

"Didn't we last….." he stopped again.

"You don't remember?" I asked.

"I do", he again tried to be tough.

"You do? Then when?" I asked.

He stayed silent when mom offered her glaring eyes, which could directly pierce through my body, but I still waited for her to say something.

"What the hell are you saying? Are you saying we don't treat you like family? Then what is it? When you fall unconscious, your brother holds on to you tightly so that you won't fall while dad ran on you and carried you in a hurry while we called the doctor to get you treated. Do you know how worried we are?" she asked me, making my tears uncontrollable again and again.

"So are you saying you count each time your child falls sick and tell them the moment you got to make them realize the weight of your worry?" I asked.

"What did you say?" she questioned me.

"Mom, can you remember what happened two weeks back?" I asked.

"Why?" she said.

"So you could think when Jace returns home with his ankle ripped and bleeding without stopping what did you do?" I said, making her shut her mouth.

"Let me remind you, mom, what you did."

"As soon as he opened the door, you lent him your shoulder just how a mother should do. You helped him walk to his room and did his treatment. Not only that, you stayed the entire night with him in case he will get a fever and can't express the pain he is having, but what about me?"

"Am I not like him? When you know I'm lying in my room while shots are connecting to my body how all of you could eat peacefully while laughing louder and louder, which is even audible to my room. Is it just to make me feel like I'm just an outsider?" I cried out.

"You know, mom I always say something which I don't like, but you always ended up shutting my mouth without letting me know my feelings? Do you even know how painful it feels? I don't think I could express my feelings. But can't you consider my feelings at least once? Don't I deserve this?"

I cried and ran toward my room. I again forgot to look at their faces. I forgot what expressions they were having seeing my emotions burst at once. Do they have a bit of sympathy toward me? I think they won't. That's how they keep treating me till now. I shouldn't expect much from them.

I locked my door and sat in front of them and kept crying until dawn. I don't know how long I even closed my eyes, but all I could see crying for a long time made my heart feel at ease. Am I acting like this just because I'm a teenager? It won't be that case, right? Maybe not. Whatever, I don't want to think of any of this.

I got out of my terrible emotions and got ready for school. Now I am again having trouble deciding how I will survive at school as the school may seem friendly to me but it feels foiled.

I wore my school uniform and went downstairs but found everything was ready. Even Jace is standing, laying his beg on his shoulder just the way I used to do and standing in front of the door waiting for him. Not bad, at least a bet made him ready this fast. I'm glad.

"Dad, I'm ready", I said.

"But you didn't have breakfast?" he said while he was having a worried expression.

"It's ok dad. I'm not hungry. I'm still feeling my stomach is full as if my emotions are filling it." I said with a bitter smile.

"Still, eat. I will wait for you and it's not a big deal." Jace said, making me feel slightly better.

"You sure?" I asked.

"Yeah, I do." He said with a smile while I had my breakfast, but the moment I came after washing my hands, mom said something again, making me feel worthless.

"Did you see him waiting for you when you do your work late?" Mom said, which I thought would never happen.

Isn't it just a day when Jace waits for me just because I came late downstairs as I was crying the entire night? Is it that big a deal for her? Or is she again trying to show how superior my brother is and how worthless I truly am? I couldn't express how mom filled my heart with the stuffiness I thought I let it out last night.

I didn't move an inch while dad and Jace were staring at me in hope of something. I kept standing like a statue when Jace finally said, "Ayla, we are getting late." He shakes my entire body, making me jump into reality.

I raised my head and said, "Do you have to say this, mom?"

I could feel the atmosphere becoming cold.