Chapter 24: Jungle Gyms ll

1:34 PM

"You're late," Penny Wiscinski commented dryly as I closed the conference room door behind me and dropped into the chair across the table from her.

"I know, I know. Sorry," I mumbled while opening up my laptop.

"And you look tired."

"Well, I kinda had--"

"Doonnn't need to hear about it," she drawled while waving me off.

June smirked at me from her seat by my side.

"Seriously? The girl's first day working with us and you've already taught her that?" I complained, thrusting my right hand palm up at Penny.

June popped both hands up. "Total coincidence. I didn't teach her that."

Penny laughed. "Is this a thing between you two?"

"He's always late," June said with a shrug. "Usually girlfriend issues. Often tired, too."

Penny's eyebrows popped. "That's why I said I don't need to hear about it. I'm already familiar with Ben's lunchtime activities."

I frowned at the redhead. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That you're tired after spending your entire lunch break screwing your supermodel ex-fiancée."

"What in the world gave you that idea?"

"You kidding me?" Penny chortled. "Celebrity Sightings ran a story just last night about how you keep visiting your old apartment building during lunch a few times every week. The one with a certain supermodel ex-girlfriend in residence? And you think I can't tell your hair is still damp from a recent shower?"

June and I exchanged a look, June giving me a helpless 'what-do-you-want-ME-to-do?' shrug. I sighed and turned my attention back to Penny, saying, "Adrienne and I are friends."

Penny grinned. "With benefits, it seems."

"You have no idea what goes on in that apartment when I visit, and neither does Celebrity Sightings. Maybe I go back there to visit my sister. Maybe I go back because I still work out with the same personal trainer I've always used in their state of the art gym, and I take showers after my regular lunchtime workouts. Maybe I'm especially tired after spending all morning answering question after question from a hotshot rookie business analyst instead of taking care of my own projects. And maybe I shouldn't have to defend myself in front of that same rookie business analyst on her second day on the job who supposedly wants me to HELP her learn everything she can about this company!"

"You're right, you're right." Penny held up her hands, bobbing her head obsequiously. "My apologies."

"And if you must know, I was ALSO getting Adrienne's advice about whether or not I should start a new relationship with someone else, especially so soon after our break-up."

Penny blinked and sat up straight. "Really?"

June rotated her chair and set her right elbow on the conference table to directly look at me. "Hey, maybe you should get Penny's opinion on the matter."

I stared at June as if she'd sprouted horns. "Wait, what?"

June shrugged. "Neutral, unbiased third-party opinion, right?"

"Uhhh, I dunno..." I started muttering.

But June had already fixed Penny with a look. "So Ben and this girl he's known since childhood, Dawn, have been really cool as best friends for a long, long time. They do everything together, and she's been supporting him in the aftermath of this big breakup with Adrienne. Now they're very close, and very affectionate, and she's asked him if they can try starting a romantic relationship. And Ben's not entirely sure how to respond."

Penny's eyes went wide. "Wow ... okay..." She blinked, looked away, and visibly started to process that.

I wearily rubbed my face with my right hand. "Kim needs to have a talk with you regarding personal boundaries ... specifically the boundaries about volunteering other people's information."

June blushed sheepishly, silently rotated her chair around, and slumped down until she was completely out of sight.

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the back of her chair and rotated her back to face me. June's blush turned even pinker.

"Well, I think the answer is pretty obvious," Penny stated evenly with a shrug. "That is, if you want my neutral, unbiased third-party opinion."

I blinked twice in surprise. "Uh, okay."

Penny shrugged again. "Obviously you should say 'no'."

I blinked twice again. "And what makes you say that?"

Penny smiled. "Easy, your answer wasn't an automatic 'yes'. Jumping into a new relationship is a dangerous thing. It's not a decision that should be taken lightly, especially since we're talking about a best friend here. For you to have any hesitation at all seems to imply you're not sure about it, so the answer should most definitely be 'no'. It's kind of like picking a wedding dress. You only get one shot, so you have to be absolute sure it's perfect, otherwise you'll wind up walking down the aisle still wondering if you made the right decision."

"Not that I know a whole lot about wedding dresses, but this isn't a wedding dress," I said with a sigh. "This is my best friend."

"Even more reason to exercise caution. At least with the wedding dress, if you decide a couple of days later you don't really like it, you can probably return it. Not so with a best friend. There's no buyer's remorse and going back to get a refund. You're much better off NOT giving into the temptation in the first place, thinking about it a little longer, and if you decide later you really want it, you can probably go back to get it."

"Better safe than sorry," I stated slowly with a nod. "Better to stay friends and still have the option of taking things to the next level later, than to make a fatal mistake now and have no way of going back."

"Exactly."

"Unless the fatal mistake is to say 'no' to the best friend who has fallen in love with me, thus breaking her heart and irreparably damaging our friendship."

"Oh ... well ... there's that..." Penny drawled.

I shook my head and sighed. "Let's just get back to work."

5:41 PM

For the second time today I entered the lobby of my old apartment building. I still had my keys, the better to visit Sasha and Adrienne for our regular ... umm... "workouts". But this time I pressed the elevator button for the 17th floor, not the 35th. And rather than let myself in with my own set of keys, for this door I had to stop and knock.

No one responded right away, but after twenty seconds or so the backlit peephole darkened and I took a step back to make sure my face was visible. A moment later, Dayna opened the door. "Do I know you? You look familiar but it's been such a long time that I'm not really sure."

I opened my arms and stepped into a hug. "It hasn't been that long. You were my date to the JKE party little more than a week ago."

"Precisely," Dayna complained into my ear, still hugging me. "It's been more than a week since I've had a proper shagging."

I pulled my head back with a frown. "Didn't you go on a date with one of Jared's friends Friday?"

Dayna rolled her eyes. "Don't ask."

I blinked. "Well, uh ... I came over here to ask for big sister advice. But you know all you have to do is snap your fingers and I'd be more than happy to take care of you."

The blonde bombshell grinned and squeezed me again, muttering softly, "I appreciate the thought, but tonight might not be the best night for that."

I frowned again. "Why not?"

Dayna popped her eyebrows and led me by the hand into the apartment. We turned the corner and I stopped dead in my tracks in surprise.

"Dad! H-Hi..." I stammered. "Surprised to see you here."

My father sat on the living room armchair, with Brandi on the long sofa nearest to him. Both of them looked up at our arrival, with my dad standing up to walk over and give me a hug.

"Hey, kiddo," he greeted me, thumping my back.

I rolled my eyes at the 'kiddo' nickname. It sounded fine whenever one of the girls called BJ kiddo, but it didn't sit right for me.

"What brings you here?" he asked when he let me go and backed up.

"I was just going to ask you the same question."

"I was downtown for meetings and Brandi invited me over for dinner." Dad shrugged. "We meet up like this every few weeks."

I blinked. "Every few weeks? I knew you visited, but that much?"

Dad chuckled and shook his head. "Not ALL of my kids try to go through life with minimal parental involvement."

"Try it," Brandi suggested. "You might like it. I keep thinking Dad and I should be talking more."

"Oh, am I interrupting something?" I jerked a thumb back at the door. "I can always come back another time."

"Nonsense. Ben, seriously, sit down," Dad admonished as he gestured toward the couch.

Brandi arched her eyebrow. "You DID say you were coming over to ask for some big sister advice. Dad's here already, so why don't you get some parental advice while you're at it? We're Family. We can talk about anything."

"Alright, alright," I conceded as I circled around the coffee table, looking up at Dayna.

But Dayna was backing up toward the kitchen. "You guys have your family chat. I'll make dinner."

I raised my eyebrows. "You might want to be part of the conversation, too. I'm here to talk about Dawn."

That brought Dayna up short. "What about her?"

"She asked to get back together with me last night."

Dayna blinked in surprise. But a moment later, her eyebrows furrowed, her irises narrowed, and it looked like steam started to come out of her ears. "I'm gonna KILL her."

Brandi looked taken aback. "Um, is that a problem?" she ventured.

Dayna groaned. "Getting back together with Ben? No, no problem. The fact that she asked him last night and it's now almost 6pm the following day and she hasn't called or texted me or anything? THAT'S the problem! I'm her big sister!"

Dad chuckled. "Try being Ben's father. I'm lucky if I hear things thirdhand from his mother the following day."

Brandi giggled at that. Dayna circled around the coffee table and sat down on the cushion between me and Brandi, leaving me at the far end so I could face all three of them in the same direction.

From the armchair, Dad leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands spread out to the sides. "This'll be new. I actually get to hear what's going on straight from the man himself."

I chuckled and shook my head before giving my dad a smile. "I'm glad you're here. If ever there was a time I needed you beneath the jungle gym to catch me if I fall, this is it."

Dad smiled back at me. "Then I'm glad I'm here, too."

6:53 PM

Dinner was over, and both Brandi and Dayna were now in the kitchen cleaning up the dishes. Texts had been sent to both Kim and Dawn explaining that I'd gone to visit my big sister so that they wouldn't worry. June had taken the BART to San Bruno to visit with her parents after work. And Dad and I remained at the dining table, our conversation not yet complete.

"Most everyone I've talked to seems supportive of me and Dawn re-starting our romantic relationship, for a variety of reasons," I explained to him. "June thinks it's basically no different from what we're already doing together. Adrienne thinks I belong with Dawn, and that she represents my ultimate happiness. Sasha agrees with Adrienne. Dayna believes Dawn is still my true soulmate. And Brandi thinks that I've always loved Dawn, always will, and that I'll never be able to settle for anyone other than her."

Dad shrugged. "The two of you HAVE been extremely close for your entire lives. I can't say your mother and I haven't anticipated your reunion, perhaps even hoped for it."

I snorted. "The eternal dream to unite our two families."

Dad frowned. "It's a nice notion, a storybook notion, but that's always been Deanna's dream more than ours. Your mother was more upset about your recent breakup with Adrienne than your previous breakups with Dawn or DJ."

"But you two still hoped I'd reunite with Dawn."

Dad took a deep breath and sighed. "Your mother and I want you to be with and marry someone who can be your lifelong partner, someone who loves and cherishes you the way we do. We're allowed to have our opinions on the girls who pass in and out of your romantic life. We tend to favor the ones who show they can be dedicated to you, loyal, understanding, and supportive. Kim, for example, your mother is rather fond of."

"I'll bet."

"Kim talks to your mother more than you do, for sure."

"Really?"

Dad chuckled. "What, you think your mother doesn't want to keep tabs on her only grandchild?"

"Well, I knew Kim drove BJ down to visit you guys occasionally but..."

Dad shrugged. "Her father's house isn't so very far from ours. Your mother likes to see BJ at least once a month, if not more often. And Kim's been pretty good about posting baby pictures on Facebook."

I made a face. "The last thing I want to hear about is my own mom keeping tabs on me through Facebook."

"Ah, so THAT'S why you've never accepted our friend requests?"

"Dad, seriously..."

Dad chuckled and shook his head. "You know, you told me what Adrienne and Sasha and June think about you and Dawn getting back together. But what about Kim? What did SHE say about all this?"

I blushed and took a deep breath. "She's telling me to stop and really think about it. To assess my fears and make sure I'm making the right decision for the right reasons."

Dad grinned. "You can see why your mother likes her."

I nodded.

"So are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Making the right decision for the right reasons."

"I don't know. I'd like to think so, but I'm not entirely sure. This is a BIG decision, for sure. I need to be careful."

Dad's eyebrows popped. "You? Careful?"

"Don't laugh."

"I'm not laughing," he protested, but there was no mistaking the mirthful expression on his face. "You were the one who brought up the jungle gym reference. When you said the word 'careful' I started imagining you scrambling up one of those geodesic domes as a 2-year-old with no concept of what the word 'careful' even means."

I shrugged. "I'm not a 2-year-old anymore."

"I noticed."

I took a deep breath and sighed. "Things have changed. I've changed. After years of jumping headfirst into relationship after relationship, I feel like I've turned into a commitment-phobe. I used to convince girls to be with me by championing the wonders of love, asking them to have faith in me, to believe that even if we didn't know what pitfalls may be in our future, we could figure things out together. I was the one feeling the adrenaline rush of love, letting my emotions carry me the highest heights of passion. I was the one taking their hand and pulling them up that geodesic dome with no hesitations, dreaming of standing at the top. But now I've turned into this big fraidy-cat, teetering on one bar and terrified to take the next step lest I fall. I've gone numb to my emotions, scared to let romantic love carry me away the way I used to. I'm trying so hard to hold onto everybody that I can't let myself go with anybody. And it feels like I don't even know how to be in love anymore!"

"Love is love. You know it when you know it."

"I feel like I've forgotten it. I thought I loved Adrienne. She wanted to marry me, but I'm the one who looked for an excuse to get out and broke the engagement. I think I love Dawn. I mean, I KNOW I love Dawn, but now she's right in front of me, the ultimate dream back in my life just the way I'd always hoped, and I'm hesitating! What the hell?!? Almost everyone I ask is completely supportive, telling me how great we are together. SHE'S floating around all giddy and happy and excited, and yet here I am, in my big sister's living room talking to YOU instead of having dinner with her right now."

"I'm rather glad you're here, talking to me right now."

I snorted. "Of course you are. One of the rare times the prodigal son stops to let Dad into his life."

"One of the rare times my little boy stops on that geodesic dome to look down and make sure I'm still there to catch him if he falls. Dads love feeling needed."

"I don't want to fall."

"Of course you don't. But I'm here if you do."

"Why am I afraid to fall? This is Dawn we're talking about."

"I can't answer that for you. But I can tell you that it's okay to be afraid. It's okay to stop, think, and look around before you blindly leap for the next bar. I'm thrilled at what you're doing today. After everything you've been through, I'm glad that you visited Adrienne and Sasha to ask their advice, especially after your big breakups only a couple months ago. I'm thankful you're actually listening to Kim's advice to take a step back and think it through. I'm ecstatic you came to your big sister to get her take on the situation before jumping headfirst into a budding new relationship. Yeah, I would have liked for you to have called me directly, but I'll settle for what we're doing right now. You're looking around and seeing the support network around you. You're carefully thinking about your next step instead of focusing solely on the end goal. And instead of chasing your Happily Ever After with reckless abandon, you've come to realize that things aren't always as easy as the movies make them seem."

"I'll say." I snorted. "Missing the next bar and having it smash straight into my teeth a few times must've knocked some sense into me."

Dad shrugged. "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up."

I chuckled. "Did you seriously just quote 'Batman Begins' at me?"

Dad grinned. "It seemed apropos."

I shook my head with a rueful grin. "I think all I've learned is to be afraid of falling again. I can't even fall in love anymore."

"Do you love Dawn?"

"Of course I do."

"Do you really love her?"

"Yes, I really do."

"Do you hear the conviction in your voice when you say that? I don't think you've forgotten what love feels like," Dad stated sagely with raised eyebrows. "But you HAVE learned to be cautious at the same time, and that's okay. It was okay for you to slow things down with Adrienne, to ask her if she was really ready to be the wife you wanted her to be, to ask yourself if you were ready to be the husband she wanted you to be. It's perfectly okay for you to value the friendship you've now built with Dawn and want to protect that in light of how difficult it's been to return to this point. Leaping into situations without fear of the consequences – trusting in Destiny to make everything turn out alright in the end – is something you're finally growing out of. Your choices reflect more caution and care. You're making decisions as an adult, and that's a good thing. You've become a father yourself now. You can't afford to risk it all and plunge headfirst without a care in the world. You need to have a different mindset to the way you approach your life, and remember your responsibility to protect what you have."

"Kim and BJ: Mom's two new favorite people."

Dad smiled warmly. "And Brooke. And Eden and Emma. And Brandi and Adrienne. And Dayna and DJ and yes, Dawn. They're all your Family, and it's important that you want to protect them, even Dawn, and even yourself. Because you're right to be afraid of what impact a romantic relationship might have on all of you. Another failed relationship could potentially change everything."

I frowned. "So are you saying you don't think Dawn and I should get back together?"

"Not at all." Dad shook his head. "I'm saying I'm glad you're being careful. I'm saying I'm glad you're thinking about it. And I'm saying you're a grown-up enough man to decide whatever you think is best, an adult who doesn't need me to hold his hand while he climbs up that geodesic dome. But I will always be your father, and IF you should fall ... I'll still be right here to catch you."

I smiled. "Thanks, Dad."

"Anytime."

I smiled and nodded, but Dad leaned forward and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving me a serious look.

"I mean it," he stated reassuringly, and even a bit ... hopefully. "Anytime."

7:38 PM

"Look, Daddy's home!"

"Da-da!" BJ enthused, drooling quite a bit down his chin as he rushed toward me.

"Hey, little man," I greeted, squatting down with my arms open to receive my toddler's bum-rush for a hug. Scooping him up as I stood, I dabbed at my son's chin-drool with his bib, and tousled his hair as I walked back to his mama.

"Dawn texted me a few minutes ago," Kim said neutrally as she finger-combed BJ's hair back down. "Said she's coming over to hang out here until you get home."

"How many minutes ago is 'a few minutes ago'?" I asked in alarm.

"Long enough for her to be here any minute now," Kim answered, her eyebrows popping. "You get some good advice?"

I nodded. "Some."

"Come to any final decisions?"

I winced. "Not exactly. I'd hoped to have some time to chat with you about it."

Kim shrugged. "Well, you can start now and see how far we get."

Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Or not..." Kim drawled.

"It's fine. It's fine. I can do this. I can do this."

Kim smirked at me. "You sure? Because right now your face says 'I'm shitting my pants because I still don't know what I'm supposed to do'."

I blinked twice. "Really?"

"Really. Better get your game face on, and by that, I mean the deliriously happy 'so excited to see you and spend as much time as possible together for the rest of our lives' face."

I groaned. "I know."

"I'm serious. Smile."

"It doesn't work like that."

"Sure it does. Watch." And with that, Kim instantly transformed her face into the happiest, most adoringly delighted expression I'd ever seen from her.

I stared at my baby mama in mild disbelief. "You're not human, you know that?"

Kim's façade of a smile turned into a smirking grin. "I take that as a compliment." With that, she left me to work out my game face and went to open the door.

As expected, Dawn stood on our front doorstep, but she wasn't alone. Brooke and DJ were right behind her.

Smile, dude. Smile.

The bedroom door closed behind us, and DJ abruptly tore her lips away from mine, snapping sharply, "Okay, what the hell is going on?"

"Mm ... wuh ... huh?" Blinking slowly, my mind still reeling from DJ's supervolcanic kiss, I sort of stared at her in a daze.

"Give him a minute for his brain to switch over," Brooke drawled as she walked over from the door, took me by the elbow, and helped me sit down on the edge of the bed. "He's a stupid boy. They don't multitask very well."

"Huh?" I muttered again, still not understanding. A couple of minutes ago, the girls were giggling together about how long it had been since I'd nailed Brooke or DJ, and Dawn had magnanimously offered to let them take me upstairs while she and Kim cleaned up the dishes. Still giggling, the younger sisters had led me into my bedroom, giving me teasing kisses and flirty touches all the way, right up to DJ's supervolcanic liplock as we entered the room.

"Maybe we should let him down gradually," Brooke suggested with a glance at my crotch. "Big Ben is rock hard and ready to go. I could give him a blowjob while you start with the Spanish Inquisition..."

DJ just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest, leveling Brooke with a look.

"What?" Brooke protested. "It's been a really, really long time since I've had him. I love Andrew and all, but it's been a while."

"It's been a while for me, too. Seriously Brooke: focus," DJ commanded and returned her attention to me. The two girls now stood before me, both of them with arms crossed over their chests.

By now I at least realized that contrary to what they'd led me to believe, the three of us would NOT be having sex anytime soon. And still blinking, I managed to croak, "Spanish Inquisition? You guys brought me up here to talk?"

DJ sighed and gestured with her head toward the door. "What's going on? My big sister is down there in a cloud of joy, mentally trying on wedding dresses and picking out baby names. She's deliriously happy over finally, finally getting you back and floating in her own little world of serenity, which is the ONLY reason why your soulmate best friend can't tell that YOU'RE getting cold feet."

I blinked again. "You think I'm getting cold feet?"

Both Brooke and DJ nodded with knowing – and slightly apologetic – expressions. Brooke drawled, "Kinda obvious, bro."

"The smile was a little too forced," DJ explained.

"The PDA was pretty stiff."

"You have this way of nervously looking around whenever you're uncomfortable with something."

"And you may like to think you've become a better liar than you used to be," Brooke chuckled, "but we know you better than that."

"I'm NOT getting cold feet," I protested. "Not exactly..."

"Well you're certainly not deliriously happy and floating in your own little world of serenity," Brooke pointed out.

I blinked again. "So ... that's why you two turned up the flirting seduction? To cover for me?"

"Well..." DJ began with a shrug, "you definitely wear the look of a man about to get laid better than the look of a man trying to figure out how to tell the love of his life that he's not entirely sure he wants a romantic relationship with her."

My heart sank. "And you think Dawn's floating around on a cloud of joy, mentally trying on wedding dresses and all that?"

The girls exchanged a worried look. Brooke had that apologetic expression again, and DJ sighed, "You shoulda seen her when she came home this morning. Walking on air. And she was only too happy to gush about you two getting back together and making things official on Valentine's Day. I mean, she spent five minutes getting all apologetic and trying to assure me she didn't intend to rub anything in my face. But apart from that ... yeah ... cloud of joy."

I grimaced.

Brooke's shoulders slumped and she splayed out both hands, palms up. "What were you thinking, agreeing to get back together with her if you're not ready yet?"

"I wasn't thinking. We'd just had sweaty monkey sex, both of us were flush with love and orgasmic happiness, and she told me she wanted to give this romance thing another shot."

The girls exchanged a look, and DJ drawled, "Well of course he'd say 'yes'."

Brooke replied, "At least he had enough sense to say they should have a couple of days to think about it. He DID give himself an out."

"But she's still gonna be heartbroken when he says 'no'."

"Unless he doesn't say 'no'."

"He HAS to say 'no'." DJ sharply turned to me. "You HAVE to say 'no'."

"I actually plan to say 'yes'," I stated calmly.

"I'm serious. You HAVE to say 'NO'," DJ insisted.

Brooke scowled at DJ and lightly backhanded her upper arm. "Biased much?"

DJ shook her head. "This has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. Fact is: they're not good together."

Brooke snorted. "Not good together? This is Ben and Dawn."

"Amazing best friends. But as a romantic couple? Disaster waiting to happen. AGAIN."

"You're still biased on the subject."

DJ waved her off. "Ben and I are friends now, and that's all we'll ever be. Same as he and Dawn should ever be."

"How can you say that? Now granted, we both wormed our way into coming over here because we wanted to see how Ben was reacting after Dawn came home all deliriously happy. And granted, he's clearly not as deliriously happy about it and in fact looking very much like he's regretting his impulsive decision."

"I'm not regretting my impulsive decision," I protested.

Brooke ignored me, continuing, "But you can't be so cruel and jealous as to hope the two of them never work things out and get together someday. Don't you want that ultimate happiness for your sister?"

DJ's eyebrows furrowed and she shook her head sadly. "I want her happy. And I want her to have him in her life. But the two of them don't belong together, not like that. I want Dawn to have the best life she can possibly have, and the truth is: being in love with Ben makes her worse, not better."

"Wait, what?" Brooke yelped.

"Wait, what?" I barked simultaneously.

"Being with her makes you worse, too," DJ sighed to me.

Now Brooke and I were exchanging confused looks.

"Just like being with you made ME worse," DJ finished.

Brooke frowned. "Just because you think being with Ben made you a worse person doesn't mean being with Ben makes Dawn worse."

DJ shook her head. "I'm not trying to denigrate their relationship just because mine didn't work out. I'm saying I have a unique perspective on the situation, my past experience making me more observant about this kind of thing. You know. We've talked about this."

Brooke sighed. "We've talked about your constant fear of losing him causing you constant stress when you were together. We've talked about your inferiority complex when it comes to your big sisters undermining your sense of self-worth and making you believe you didn't deserve him, making you think you were somehow cheating the universe by being with him. And we've talked about your obsession with the childhood fantasy of being Ben's wife blinding you to the reality of having a real relationship with him."

DJ blinked, looked at me, and shrugged. "Like I said: being with you made me worse, not better."

I frowned and sat up straighter, giving DJ a sad look before leaning forward and reaching out to her. "Deej ... I didn't--"

"No, no. This moment isn't about me," she waved me off before holding her hand palm out.

"Dorothy Jean..." I continued, taking a deep breath as I pushed my palm against hers, intertwined our fingers, and used the grip to pull her to me. She resisted only slightly, and then let me tug her down to sit sideways in my lap. And I enfolded her in a warm hug, saying softly, "I'm sorry."

DJ shuddered, just once, and then took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly, she leaned over to set the side of her head against my cheek, her hands coming up to hold my forearms around her. "You don't have to apologize," she said quietly.

"I have so much to apologize for."

She sighed again, patted my forearm, and then slowly stood back up. Her eyes were moist but she wasn't crying. Still, she wiped the moisture away and took another calming breath. "We're here to talk about Dawn," she stated finally.

"I love her," I stated firmly.

"We know that," Brooke affirmed.

"I don't want to lose her."

"She doesn't want to lose you, either," DJ replied.

"I'm afraid that if I don't claim her, then someone else will."

"Highly unlikely, if you ask me," DJ pointed out.

"But that wouldn't be fair to her, either, keeping that part of her heart locked away so that she can't give it to anyone else."

"Why don't you let her decide what she does or doesn't want to do with her heart?" DJ's eyebrows rose.

"And you've got to stop making decisions based on what you think is 'fair' to her," Brooke added.

"I know, I know."

"You're not ready for the soulmate relationship again," DJ intoned.

"Well ... maybe..." I hedged.

"Not yet perhaps," Brooke reasoned, "But with time they--"

"She's not ready for the soulmate relationship again," DJ interrupted.

I arched an eyebrow. "Have you told her that?"

DJ shrugged. "I will, if necessary."

"If necessary?"

The girls exchanged a look, and DJ stated, "I'll only need to if she doesn't believe it coming from you."

I shook my head. "I'm not going to tell her she's not ready. That's her decision, not mine."

"It's a decision for both of you."

"A decision we'll make together." I sighed. "Look, I'll readily admit that I'm not 100% certain that getting back together romantically is the right thing for us to do. I gave myself two days to think it over, and dammit, I'm thinking it over. But that's a far cry from 'regretting my impulsive decision' or 'getting cold feet'. I've spent all day visiting friends and family to ask their advice and get their opinions, and to be honest I still very much want to say 'yes'."

The girls exchanged another look, and DJ immediately started shaking her head. "Bad idea, bad idea. Disaster waiting to happen."

"I actually think you DO belong together," Brooke chimed in. "I'm not so sure that now is the best time for it, but if you two both want--"

"Not now, not ever!" DJ interrupted, her tone adamant. "I'm sorry, but you two really don't belong together like that. When you're best friends, the two of you are amazing together. So in sync. Couldn't be better. But when you're in a relationship, she ... she tries to become 'Perfect Dawn'."

"Tried. Past tense," I corrected. "What happened to our relationship before won't necessarily happen again. If anything, we should both be more aware of ensuring we don't repeat the mistakes of the past."

DJ shrugged. "I repeated a lot of mistakes."

I raised both eyebrows. "I did too. But that doesn't mean Dawn will. And it doesn't mean that I will again. Our last breakup hurt. It hurt a LOT. And I'm terrified of it happening again. But that doesn't mean that it WILL happen again. We could be great together, and I honestly think it's worth the risk to find out."

Brooke's chin came up. "Sooo ... are you saying you WILL start a new relationship with Dawn?"

I sighed. "I do WANT to. I love her. I really, really LOVE her. But technically, I have two more days to think about it and figure it out."

Brooke shook her head. "You BOTH have two more days to figure it out... together."

"Which is why I plan on talking to her before making a final decision."

"Soon?"

I nodded firmly. "I'd probably already BE talking to her right this very second if you two hadn't dragged me up here. Seriously, I intend to say 'yes', but I'm trying to be cautious. I'm trying to look before I leap. I'm not floating away on a cloud of joy, but ... I'm not numb anymore when I'm with her. This is Dawn. She's MY DAWN. I love her. Adrienne's given us her blessing. Sasha's just fine with it. Brandi and Dayna and even Dad are all giving me the green light. I was going to come talk to both of you too, but really ... How could I possibly say 'no'?"

But DJ still gave me a pained look. "She's at her best when she's your best friend. All the fun, none of the fear. She says she's put 'Perfect Dawn' behind her, left that girl behind at Morris Camp, but we've all seen that the 'Real Dawn' isn't so very different. It wouldn't take much to nudge her back into those obsessive-compulsive behaviors, into the all-consuming fear of losing you or letting you down. All it would take, really, is becoming your girlfriend again, putting herself back on that path toward marriage, uniting the two families, and bringing about all the burdens of expectation that come with it."

Reading the tone in her voice, I looked at DJ sadly. "Did I really make you so much of a worse person for being with me?"

Holding back tears, DJ just turned her face away and sighed.

Brooke reached out to wrap an arm around her best friend, muttering, "You can't let your own issues with Ben muddle your sister's issues with him."

DJ shrugged, the first tear drop finally making it down her cheek. "We're sisters. We're more alike sometimes than anyone else realizes. I know how much it crushed me inside when our relationship failed, and I know it hurt her just as badly when yours failed too. She's my sister, and I love her too much to let her get hurt like that again."

"And you're my sister, and I love you, too," Dawn's voice suddenly cut in.

Brooke and DJ whirled around in surprise. Dawn stood in the doorway, one hand still on the knob. Kim was just behind her, holding BJ and giving us an embarrassed, apologetic look. One of the first things I'd done to the house was WD-40 all the door hinges, to prevent any door squeaks that might wake up BJ. Apparently it also prevented us from hearing Dawn open the door.

I looked over at her with a little shrug. "How long were you standing there?"

Dawn sighed, her expression definitely NOT that of someone floating away on a cloud of joy. "Just a minute or so. Something about me being my best when you and I are only friends, and about how us getting back together would nudge me back into old 'Perfect Dawn' behaviors."

DJ looked like she wanted to melt into a puddle of goo.

Taking a deep breath, Dawn looked back at me. "So ... looks like you and I need to talk, huh?"