Regrets and confessions

She couldn't sleep, no matter how tight she closed her eyes, how hard she tried to convince herself she was tired, it was impossible for her.

She turned her body over and over in her bed, somehow it was as if in that dark starlit night she herself couldn't find peace, as if something innately disturbed her.

Lady Katherine had now been queen regent of the British kingdom for nearly thirty years, yet at that time she felt like she had not done enough, not having fully given her life a meaning.

She lay in her large and comfortable bed and was placed on her own side on the right side, so that she had the opportunity to gaze at the bright stars outside the window.

Her long hair lay on her soft and comfortable white pillow and caressed her pale cheeks that with her age had slowly begun to form small wrinkles on her beautiful face.

Her eyes, which were usually full of life, had at that moment taken on a sad look and empty of vitality.

The oil lamp on the precious bedside table, directly next to her bed, still glowed dimly with the light of the candle, whose white wax had almost melted.

The stars, innumerable, bright, outside the huge window were many and beautiful of a delicate but equally powerful colour.

She could no longer sleep, for days now and so to soothe the remorse and sadness in her heart she looked at the stars and smiled, seeing how much they were always the same and were always there for her in those moments.

In that castle more and more people had died over the years, almost all because of her own daughter and that feeling of guilt about continued to haunt her.

How a person born of her could have accumulated such wickedness, enough to be able to kill so many people, she could not explain.

Of course, Katherine knew what it would be like once the deceased ruler had chosen her as his wife, he knew that genetics was a fifty-fifty roulette wheel but she seriously couldn't believe that a a person as sweet and delicate as Isabelle seriously could hide so many secrets.

And now, years later, she had the impression that everything she had thought, that she had believed in, had gone to dust before her very eyes.

Her future plans, the illusion of a peaceful old age, a peaceful end to her role as a sovereign, the idea of ​​getting married again and spending up to the end of her days with someone she truly loved, it all seemed to be over too soon.

Her own daughter couldn't stand her but despite all this, her instinct, her character, led her to love that young lady immensely anyway, no matter what she did to interrupt their relationships.

Katherine smiled briefly, there was nothing to be done, a mother was always a mother and some women just like her, took their task too seriously.

She knew that deep down her daughter was a sensitive person, that she felt something that she herself hid, she hoped it, because that's what mothers do, hope for the redemption of their own children.

She took one of her long locks of her hair, began to play with it, run them between her delicate fingers, she thought, reflected, not really succeeding, not even with the help of the stars to find an end to her troublesome thoughts.

Was she really as perfect a mother as she thought she was or was all of that just an excuse to feel better and at peace with herself?

Two strong blows broke that long silence, it was strange to hear a knock at such an hour of the night, what time must it be, midnight? She herself did not know.

Lady Katherine turned her body to the opposite side, lifted it off the mattress with speed, almost as if that unexpected visit had awakened her from long thinking on the one hand and frightened on the other.

And the more she waited for that moment, the more fear rose inside her.

As the door opened, followed by a faint creak, she heard the silent footsteps of someone approaching inside the room.

Because of the darkness of the night she didn't see much but she could easily understand who it was thanks to the faint lights of the candles, now almost extinguished.

Katherine noticed the woman's long hair, light brown, her pale face, her big blue eyes, she wore a nightgown large enough for her slender and frail figure and with one hand she carried an oil lantern almost extinguished.

It was rare that Lady Katherine received nocturnal visits but even more rare was that she was the one who brought them to her.

-Johanna?- came out with soft slowness from the parted lips of the sovereign, almost like a whisper -What are you doing here? In the middle of the night then...-.

It was strange in some sense that her guest had chosen precisely that time to visit her, even more so after all that has happened in recent years.

Isabelle had killed Francis and Thomas, both of the woman's children, yet she, despite the severe pain caused by the bereavement and the suicidal period of the woman herself had always continued to serve the sovereign.

It was as if, at a certain point, as their lives had crossed, the courtesan had always felt a strong affection and gratitude for the woman who had saved her in her adolescence from a cruel fate.

She had protected Johanna when at seventeen she found herself alone, abandoned, with the illegitimate son of a lord, it was she who helped her to give an education to little Francis and to have continued to protect her even when the king got her pregnant.

Their story was a long one and although Johanna Cross was somewhat younger than Lady Katherine, the bond that connected them was almost that of two sisters.

It was dark around them, cold, yet that hadn't stopped the woman from visiting her queen.

-My Lady...- came out quickly and with fear from the thin lips of the courtesan -...we must get out of here, as quickly as possible! Connor Jones, illegitimate son of Lord Georg Hannover, has taken the throne! We will risk dying if we stay here!-.

The queen felt the strong grip of the woman's cold hands around her wrist, she felt on her skin how they were trembling, she actually felt what kind of fear she was feeling at that moment.

-Listen to me...please...I do not want you to die in any way, my lady, I have lost all the people dear to me but I could not bear to lose you too...-.

It was kind of her, that were the kindest words that had been addressed to her lately but Katherine just didn't understand, it was just too hard to put all those facts together when she was still sleepy and in the middle of the night.

She knew it was not a joke, she knew Johanna would never joke with such a topic and certainly not in the middle of the night but it was simply difficult to understand all this, so she just observed the other and put a smile on his face, as she always had.

-Come on, calm down Johanna, maybe have a drink, after all it can't be as complicated as you think...-.

The woman let herself fall lightly, with her light and fragile body on her chair, preciously padded, next to the woman's bed.

Katherine noticed her wavy brown hair ruffled and puffy from the stress, her pale face, her blue eyes scattered staring into space.

She knew more than the sovereign thought she knew and among them was the fact that they were both in great danger.

-You must believe me Lady Katherine, I too once knew what luxury was, how beautiful it was, always having a variety of hot food on the table, perfumes and new clothes...- admitted the woman -the Cross were a family rich enough to afford it at least until we too have been ousted, killed, persecuted...I don't want you to end up the same, your majesty, reduced like me to serving lord and having to guarantee me their sexual desires to survive...-.

A brief silence grew in the room, the queen understood with all her heart how much that woman cared about her but on the other hand that action would be something she herself would be unable to do, how could she escape leaving her own daughter behind?

But what daughter then? The same one who at that moment hated her deeply and accused her of all evils?

She had always been fair, a good wife, a sweet mother, yet she felt that she had done something wrong, that her very silence and her forbearance had brought her.

The woman pressed her tight lips together, she felt their coldness, she felt how they were trembling.

Katherine felt the wetness take her eyes, fill with a moist, tingling, unpleasant sensation, something the queen herself hadn't experienced in a long time: the sensation of crying.

She didn't know why but sometimes it was just natural to have to physically vent her sadness and frustration, so salty and cold tears began to fall on her face, on her pale cheeks, reddened by the cool of the night.

The lady wrapped her hands around the mattress of her own bed, she began to tremble.

-What happens, my lady? Are you okay?- asked Johanna who on her part, as soon as she saw the unexpected reaction of her protector, hurried to reach the foot of the bed, kneel there, make sure she was okay.

The woman did not answer for a few seconds, she smiled as tears rolled down her face.

It was sad to know how life which she had always hoped for, her dreams, her fantasies, were so easy to vanish, how easy it was to get lost and let just affection, a sweet and pure feeling could finally ruin everything.

She had spent her life in hatred of Eleanor, of a dead woman for whom her husband still had feelings for.

She had hated Henry deeply, part of her life and had let her negative feelings ruin the bond between the two.

He was just a little boy in need of help and attention but her jealousy and her hatred for his mother had always blinded her from making her believe that she too could ultimately try to be the best stepmother for him.

She had loved Isabelle from the moment she left her body and came into the world, from her first cry but it was perhaps this constant attention and overprotectiveness that made the princess so self-confident and insensibly cruel.

-I have nothing...- admitted the woman putting a faint smile on her face -...only now I was thinking how miserably I failed my task, as a wife, as a mother...- Katherine slowly wiped the tears from her cheeks gently with the palm of her hand.

They were cold, clammy, salty and they carried sadness and frustration within them, along with a strong feeling of freedom.

She felt the cold hands of her protégée tighten around her, trying to calm her, to soften the situation.

-You have not failed, my lady, there is always hope for all of us...-.

-And where on earth could we go, Johanna?-.

The woman smiled slightly.

-Lady Katherine, your sister, Lady Anne, Queen of the Russia has offered to give you asylum at court until the end of this conflict...- Johanna's hands tightened tightly around those of the queen.

-Do you trust me?-.

-With all my heart...-.