To The Cleverest
Item #: SCP-050
Object Class: Euclid
Special Containment Procedures: So far, all attempts to contain SCP-050 have proven fruitless1. At present, whoever has possession of SCP-050 is to leave it in an office they use with regularity2.
Description: SCP-050 appears to be a statue of a monkey reading a book, approximately 1 foot3 tall. On the bottom of the statue are engraved the words "To The Cleverest" in cursive script.
The statue has so far proven resistant to all forms of damage4. As such, there is no accurate method to date the object.
When left alone, SCP-050 has shown itself to be both useful and antagonistic to its current owner5. Although never seen to move, no matter the manner or amount of recordings, any room it is left in becomes very clean, to a polish whenever possible. Paperwork is filed, trash is emptied, and in general, clutter is removed. However, SCP-050 also has a tendency to leave traps for its owner, so current holders should carefully check their offices upon returning.
Footnotes
1. Testing to contain SCP-050 has been discontinued at this time.
2. Attempts to leave SCP-050 in unused offices have resulted in it following its owner home. This is a violation of regulations and not to be allowed.
3. One of the quirks of SCP-050 is that no matter what form of measurement is used, any record of said measurements will quickly be replaced by the Customary System measurements.
4. Attempts to damage SCP-050 have resulted in increasingly lethal 'pranks.' As of this writing, destruction testing is discontinued.
5. See Document 050.
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Document 050
"The Great Researcher Prank War of '██"
On 01/██/20██, During an attempted capture of SCP-963 by Chaos Insurgency agents, Dr. Bright made use of 963's intrinsic capabilities to make fools of the attempted kidnappers. When Bright returned to his office, he found a monkey statue waiting for him. His office had been tidied in his absence, and everything filed away, which came as something of a shock for the naturally messy Dr. Bright.
Upon further investigation, it was found that — despite the apparent tidiness of his office — all of his pens had been drained of all but the last bit of ink, and several important documents had been translated into Aramaic.
Dr. Bright immediately began the usual testing of this new SCP, but found himself going nowhere, until Dr. Rights, as payback for something unspecified, smeared his desk with one half of a compound epoxy, and applied the other half of the compound to his utensils. At this point, SCP-050 vanished from Dr. Bright's office, reappearing in Dr. Rights' office, whereupon 050 began the cleanup again.
After several tests, it became apparent that SCP-050 was easily contained, as long as no one outside the Foundation proved to be cleverer than the Foundation scientists. Of course, this led to many of the Foundation scientists seeking to claim the title of 'Most Clever' for themselves.
And thus began the "Great Researcher Prank War of '██."
Memorandum 050-A: No good will come of this. — O5-█
- Entry 1
Entry 1: Dr. English accesses SCP-705. 705 is allowed access to approximately one hundred pounds of similarly colored play dough. After several minutes 'conversation', the new army retreats to the ventilation shafts. No footage of Dr. Bright's room exists, but several hours later Dr. Bright stumbles out, covered in little red welts, and red play dough, swearing and muttering. SCP-050 transfers ownership to Dr. English.
- Entry 2
At 11:30 pm on ██/██/████, Agent Strelnikov is seen exiting his room in full rage, carrying a machine gun. Smoke pours from the open door of his quarters.
Senior Researcher Isendorf is later found to be in possession of 050, proving that a good enough prank will attract 050's attention no matter the target.
- Entry 3
At 10:25 am ██/██/████, Dr. Isendorf returned from a brief coffee break to discover a typed note sitting on his desk, rewritten here.
Dr. Isendorf,
It seems there was a problem with the Class-A Amnesiac you requested following your SCP-231 assignment. Please hop on the next plane leaving from the site, and wait until someone comes and picks you up so that we can get this all sorted out.
Cheers,
O5-███
Despite factual and stylistic errors in this note (inappropriately informal style, the fact that there is no Overseer 3.14), Dr. Isendorf apparently took the note seriously and became highly distressed. Dr. Isendorf boarded the next airplane leaving Site-23, which turned out to be a regularly scheduled flight travelling to Site-19.
Dr. Isendorf apparently did not realize this until landing, at which point he still waited over eight hours outside the site, before a guard found him and asked him what he was doing. Dr. Isendorf soon confirmed that he had never been asigned to SCP-231, and quickly worked out what had happened.
SCP-050 was observed in the office of Dr. Kondraki later that same day.
- Entry 4
At 7:28 pm, █/██/2009, Dr. Kondraki was called away by Assistant Researcher Haus, under the pretense of a SCP-173 containment breach. Security cameras recovered footage of the ensuing prank.
Upon returning to his office, Kondraki pauses briefly when he reaches his door. Moments later, he is seen backing slowly out of his office, keeping his eyes fixed on something inside.
It was later revealed that Dr. Kald had placed a replica of SCP-173 in Kondraki's office, positioned in such a way that it faced the door, establishing "eye contact" with whoever might enter the room. Kondraki continued to retreat until slipping on a hitherto unnoticed puddle of cooking oil.
The replica of SCP-173 (made of wire frame, papier mache and spray-paint) was relocated to Doctor Josef Kald's office, shortly followed by SCP-050.
- Entry 5
Upon returning to his office on ██/█/2009, Dr. Kald was surprised to find the statue replaced with a note, reading: "I can't believe no one's thought of this!" The statue was later located in the staff locker of Agent Yoric, who had simply stolen it.
- Entry 6
Statue returned to Kald. Yoric's living space in utter disarray. Agent Yoric is found unconscious, the words "TO BE EARNED" tattooed on his forehead through unknown means.
- Entry 7
From ██/██/2009 to ██/██/2009, maintenance teams were called twenty-seven times to Dr. Kald's office while he was out, all having received orders to install, repair, or remove a piece of furniture from the office, apparently at random. Dr. Kald became increasingly paranoid about these intrusions, considering his possession of SCP-050, and at ██:██ of ██/██/2009, decided to bring his paperwork and the SCP back to his quarters and work from there. Upon entering his quarters, Dr. Kald was doused by the contents of a bucket carefully balanced on the entrance's doorjamb.
Ownership of SCP-050 changes to Dr. Light.
- Entry 8
On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen pinning a notice to the breakroom notice board which read, "Due to the effects of SCP-███ all personnel who have received an amnesiac of any kind within the past six months are required to report to Dr. Light immediately." This was signed and notarised by no fewer than 17 members of O5 command and senior staff. After seeing this an email was immediately sent out retracting the information and causing mass panic among some of our more paranoid employees. After what can only be described as a "bum rush" on Dr. Light's newly refurbished office resulting in the destruction of many items contained within, SCP-050 was found on Dr. Coleman's desk.
- Entry 9
On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was called out of his quarters by an email from an unknown source. Five minutes later, security footage showed Dr. Okagawa entering Schumacher's quarters, carrying a bag with unknown contents, and leaving the room a few minutes later without the bag.
Upon returning, Coleman discovered a dead rodent which appeared to have been slathered in the secretions of SCP-447. Personnel in adjacent rooms reported hearing a stream of profanity, followed by a thud. Worried researchers found him passed out on the floor, while the slime was later identified as green gelatin from the kitchen, and the "dead rat" as a rubber toy.
SCP-050 was later found in Dr. Okagawa's office.
- Entry 10
Video Log: ██/██/2009, 12:34 PM. Dr. Okagawa leaves for the cafeteria (presumably for lunch/late breakfast). Researcher Chepelskii is seen entering Dr. Okagawa's office, carrying several testing vials and SCP-███. Left the office five minutes later, closing the door behind him rather hurriedly.
Okagawa returns ten minutes later, opens the door, and is snagged by a large tentacle which pulls him into the office and shuts the door behind him.
A security team is dispatched to Okagawa's office, and discovers him entangled by a giant squid. The team is seen trying to neutralize the cephalopod and free Okagawa. The animal's remains were subsequently destroyed.
SCP-050 has been located in Researcher Chepelskii's office.
- Entry 11
Entry 11-1:
On ██/██/2012 Researcher Chepelskii came into work at approximately 0800 and promptly received a pie in the face, courtesy of Project Director Jones.
SCP-050 was found on Project Director Jone's desk later that afternoon.
What? That wasn't original at all! -Dr. Bright
Entry 11-2:
On ██/██/2012 Project Director Jones reported to his post researching SCP-███. Upon entering the facility he was met by Researcher Chepelskii, who threw two pies at his face.
SCP-050 was found in Researcher Chepelskii's office ten minutes later.
Entry 11-3:
On ██/██/2012 Chepelskii entered his office to find Project Director Jones waiting for him with three pies, which he promptly threw at the researcher's face.
SCP-050 appeared in Jones' workplace that evening.
Guys, I think we broke it. - Project Director Jones
Entry 11-4:
In the middle of the work day, Dr. Bright entered Jones' research lab with four pies, which he threw in his face. As he was leaving security footage records him saying "This better not fucking work!"
SCP-050 was on Dr. Bright's desk upon his return.
Notes:
God DAMMIT - Dr. Bright
Okay. No more fucking pies, alright? - Project Director Jones
- Entry $&
On █/██/ 2012, an error occurred in the Foundation Main Database, reassigning System Technician Kent to a squad dea #&@Stoping teh dred lord asaTofh!!1!^)##*@gside the cleaning crews. During the !(*@seging of castul helfire^!(#gnment, Joshua Kent was ordered to !+=`~save th princes aShlye from the barron Blakstaf!!11!2!{\@(aw sewage, with several gallons of feces, ^3~_>,GOLD AND PLATINUM$9(=1#on his head.
During the second half of the assignment, !0&@Sir Ketn and his freinds the magikal night bob*!! had to test several *%@# super majick wepons!)!$ despite the odor. During this time, a routine system sweep had found a(@$!barrel of pur AWESUMNESS@$%@ in the Database. Despite the numerous nearby systems that could have been infected, SCP!)$@-1337 fout the dred lord on a volcanno!!1@(%* concerning System Technician Kent's assignment.
System Technician Kent was returned to Site 23 largely unharmed. SCP-050 was discovered sitting by a hard drive heavily infected with SCP-732, with the statue seeming to consider the virus its new "owner."
- Entry 13
[DATA EXPUNGED]
- Entry 14
[DATA EXPUNGED]
- Entry 15
On ██/██/2012, Dr. Light connected the SCP-732-infected hard drive to a scanner, and asked 732 if it could produce "LOLCAT" images on request. Its response, presented in the form of an 8000-word erotic story featuring itself (in the form of a man named "Lord Kickass"), Dr. Light, and [REDACTED], was that with the help of SCP-050 it can do anything.
Dr. Light provided SCP-732 with scanned photographs of SCP-577, SCP-529, SCP-607, and two instantiations of SCP-331. SCP-732 produced 10 "LOLCAT" images for each photograph.
Dr. Light then provided SCP-732 with SCP-637 in the form of a drawing by SCP-637-2. As a result of this, SCP-732 was rapidly overwritten with an estimated 63 GB of text describing SCP-637's actions and appearance; whether this information could have filled all available computer memory is unknown, as the last actions of the "Lord Kickass" instantiation were to induce total mechanical failure to its hard drive, accompanied by catastrophic uncontrolled oxidation.
SCP-050 was found in Dr. Light's office the next morning.
Note: SCP-637-2 reports that SCP-637 was not harmed by its venture into SCP-732, but that its fur was "really messed up".
Note: Other copies of SCP-732 seem unaffected by the suicide of "Lord Kickass".