Chapter 7: The Only Regret

"Kousei..", Arima Takahiko suddenly called his son out in the middle of their Christmas dinner (yes, surprisingly, he came home).

The aroma inside the Arima residence was that of blissful confusion. It had been a while since there was an array of different delicacies on the dining table. Kousei's dad made his mom's pot-au-feu, while Hiroko roasted some chicken. The menu wouldn't be complete if Kousei didn't cook his world famous egg sandwiches though. And then, Koharu mixed in some fruits with all the milk in the fridge for their dessert.

"I guess she's already old enough to make something like that..", thought Kousei.

"Why didn't you invite your girlfriend along?..", Takahiko asked, causing Kousei to instantly spray his mom's original beef stew all over his food.

"Takahiko-kun.. don't go blurting out ambush questions like that for your son. See what happened?..", Hiroko said with some giggles in between, referring to the mess Kousei just made.

"What? It was just a random question, Hiro-chan..", replied Takahiko. Then, he reverted his attention back to Kousei. "Is Emi-chan spending Christmas with her family?"

"Yes, she actually flew in this morning..", Kousei replied, which reminded him that he had not called her yet. "Uhh.. Otou-san.."

"Yes, son?"

"She's not my girlfriend yet..", Kousei said as he looked down to hide the obvious redness on his face. "Please don't go blurting out things like that when she's around. It's embarrassing.."

"Really? You two look very much together whenever I visit you in Okutsu..", replied Takahiko. Kousei just continued staring at his already messy dinner plate.

"I guess you kids do prefer to keep things complicated..", Takahiko added before he chuckled awkwardly.

"Until now, it still amazes me how similar you guys show that face..", Hiroko said, pertaining to Kousei's dad's uncomfortable expression that at times, Kousei wears himself.

"Well.. he is my son.."

Kousei's father, Arima Takahiko, had been absent for almost half of his son's life. He was always at work or out finding something that could earn him good money. Business trips, even on holidays, were always on his agenda. Whether it be halfway across the country or hundreds of miles outside Japan, he would work himself to the ends of the earth. Hiroko seemed to have had the liking of calling him an "absentee parent" for a jest.

And for what? It was simple really, and it was exactly why Kousei didn't mind him not being around all the time. His mom's illness exhausted his college fund, so his father had to work extra just to get it back.

But Takahiko wasn't always missing in action like everyone around them claimed. Besides him being in constant contact with Kousei through phone calls and emails, he used to be always around and hands on before his wife, Saki, died. Well, he had to be. Someone had to maintain the upkeep of the house and fulfill his family's needs, not to mention making Saki's last days easier. That explains him being able to cook Kousei's mother's pot-au-feu and many other things.

Though since Kousei went to high school, Takahiko was a little bit more visible already. Kousei used to make it an excuse that it was easier for him since an airport was near his high school, but here he was back in Tokyo, and Takahiko was here too.

"I guess my college fund is about ready..", pondered Kousei as he glanced at his father.

"So..", Takahiko interrupted while Kousei was drinking some warm milk by his window after dinner.

It was a bright evening. The light of the moon shone through the room revealing a very dusty and cluttered grand piano.

"If she was here, she might've thrown a fit before lashing out at me then proceeding to throw all that clutter towards me..", the thought actually made Kousei smile. It had happened before as he recalled. "Funny that it was also the first time I brought a girl in our house."

"Who is it this time?..", Takahiko asked.

"Eh? What do you mean, Otou-san?..", Kousei asked back in confusion.

"You don't normally go out of your way like coming home after three years out of the blue, Kousei.."

Dust particles floated within the beam of light shooting from the window. But it was the bright yellow gleam of the hallway outside the room that got Kousei's attention as it lit his father. He stared at him while he thought what to answer because even if he lied, his dad would know. "Then why would I not tell the truth anyway?"

"Watari forced me..", Kousei answered as truthfully as possible.

"Really? Last I checked he was always forcing you.. so what changed?.."

Kousei took a moment to answer his dad's question. In fact, he took a moment too long.

"Trying to find answers so you could finally move on?..", Takahiko asked, breaking the silence.

"Bingo..", thought Kousei as his eyes widened in surprise at his father's comment. "It hit right on the spot."

As much as possible, Kousei tries to avoid awkward situations like this with his folks. And that was the reason why he was trying to avoid the truth. His dad could be as awkward as he is. It was best to avoid it completely. Unfortunately, his father knew him too well to ask the right questions.

"Well.. looking out the window into Tsubaki's room won't bring her here, son. Best call her instead and talk it properly like adults..", said Takahiko, which made his son almost flip over the ledge of the window.

"Okay. Maybe he didn't know all of the details..", thought Kousei with a drop of sweat rolling from his head.

"…t-that's not what-..",  replied Kousei, but Takahiko cut him again as his father walked out.

"Yeah.. Tsubaki was a great girl, and I really liked her since she always looked after you.. but whatever happened, it's between the both of you..", Takahiko said, which made Kousei flush.

Kousei wanted to stop his father, but somehow, Takahiko did not look uncomfortable at all while he spoke. That was a first when it came to this kind of talk, so he just let him be.

Then, Kousei looked at the window on the other house. It was at the same level as his. Looking at it brought back memories that he kept hidden for so long. It wasn't that it's unpleasant, in fact, it was the opposite, but those were memories of an irreplaceable friendship buried under the guilt of a failed romantic relationship.

"It's Tsubaki's room. I could still imagine her peering through her window while I played the piano..", muttered Kousei to himself. "I miss her, yes, but not the Tsubaki I dated in the past. Rather.. I miss that childhood friend of mine who always supported me in whatever I did.. even if it was ridiculous.. I miss that friend who stayed by my side to give me warmth even if I turned cold after my mom's death. I miss Tsubaki because she was the one who pulled me back up when 'she' was gone. But I guess she did all that out of love, which I could not reciprocate.."

"But if only I could meet the one before her.. I would've wanted to since she brought your mother's music back in this house..", added Takahiko, which got Kousei shocked again. Of course, he knew about that. Tsubaki told him everything about it. He started going home more often because of that. "Don't forget to open the lights before you practice. It's too dark in there.."

But there wouldn't be any playing that night. Kousei was not in the mood yet. Hiroko left anyway, and she said they would start training the day after tomorrow. Instead, Kousei decided to clean the room up since he was reminded of "her" by his dad.

"What would she say to me if she saw all this mess? I would definitely get the beating of my life..", thought Kousei with  grim look on his face. However, he still smiled at the thought.

What happened next did not quite make sense, but Kousei just went with it. He went straight to his room to get an extra change of clothes and a towel for "her". She came in a while ago drenched in her school uniform. He didn't even notice that it rained outside. Strange. It was winter.

"Is warm coffee fine with you? It seems that it's all I have right now..", Kousei said to her from outside the bathroom where she changed.

"Oh yes! Any would do. Thank you!..", she replied from inside.

Kousei went down to prepare a cup of coffee for her. It was weird that just a few hours ago, they were having Christmas dinner here, and there was nothing left to serve her but coffee. And it seemed like his dad had already left.

"Why wouldn't he just at least spend the night here? I thought he wished to meet her like he said a while ago..", muttered Kousei to himself.

When Kousei went back up, she was no longer in the shower room. Instead, he saw her standing right by the door step of the music room. She was dressed in his own clothes already and covered with a towel. She was staring at the piano.

"Wait..", thought Kousei. "I thought I cleaned this up already."

She started to sob as she approached the grand piano. Seeing her like that broke Kousei's heart into pieces. It was like all the scars that healed long ago tore open once more. Then, she hugged the instrument like it was some person dear to her.

"I'm so sorry..", she said with her voice shaking as she cried.

Kousei was just thinking it hurt him deeply to see her again like that when all the clutter started flying towards him. He should've expected it and saw that coming. After all, it was something she would definitely do if she caught him treating his piano like that.

But that woke Kousei up for a start. The moonbeams coming from the window were replaced by bright sunshine. The room was already clean. He was laying on his back flat on the carpet. His glasses must've prevented him from turning towards his side. It was all just a dream. He must have passed out after arranging all the stuff in his music room.

And yet, the feeling of disappointment did not fade with the vivid memories of the dream as it should have. Kousei dreamed of her again. It was so real and somehow, it reminded of something that happened to them in the past, only that it was slightly different. "Yes, it was similar to the first time I brought her in the house. I just had a thought of it while dad and I were talking the previous night. I really wish that it was real."

Thoughts of what have been and should have been started to fill in Kousei's mind. Suddenly, waking up on his first morning at home in three years made him think that going back here was such a bad idea. He actually considered going out for a walk, but the thought of everything seemed to remind him of her got him hesitating.

"Was this really the only way to get answers for my questions? Why did I have questions anyway if she already told me what had to be said in her letter?..", Kousei asked himself as he held an almost three year old envelope with a black cat sticker on it. "This little piece of paper should have given me enough reason to move forward. But it didn't, so why?"

Kousei decided to take a walk eventually to clear his mind a little. She wouldn't want him to get stuck on the floor all day trying to avoid all the memories she had left him. "I guess I could call it "day two" of my soul searching.."

After wandering aimlessly around town for almost half an hour, Kousei ended up in front of a very familiar place that gave off a homely smell of bread. He peeked through the small spaces in between different pastries that were displayed behind the clear glass in front of the restaurant. "It is so heartwarming to see that this place had grown so big from a tiny side street shop."

And there he was inside the kitchen, the town's local pastry chef. Kousei could barely see him behind the small glass window behind the counter, but he could tell the old baker was happily giving orders to his crew. Why wouldn't he? His business was booming. The place may have changed a lot, but he managed to maintain that same intimately comely atmosphere a tightly knit family shared over dinner. No wonder customers flocked the place. "I'm not saying the food didn't taste great because it did, but it hardly mattered."

The chef's wife was also inside but not in the kitchen. She was busy talking to the customers as if they were all friends. However, Kousei could tell that she wasn't faking those smiles. Those were genuine, and it wasn't simply a mask to wear in front of strangers. She was truly happy because she was carrying another child. Yes, you heard that right. They were expecting another in their family after dealing with her loss.

Looking at both of them would make one think they never suffered a loss so devastatingly tremendous. No one could've ever imagined how it was to lose a child. But Kousei could only admire the perseverance this couple has for they seemed to have moved on from that and made their lives even better. Because he couldn't move on himself.

"How did they do it?..", asked Kousei of himself. "Was the answer staring at me right in the eye? I actually do know the answer.. but all I could feel is regret. Why?"

All of a sudden, Kousei went inside and took a moment to look at the displays. He clutched her letter one more time before he left it under one of the containers that held the specialty of the house, the canelés. And then, he left immediately. It felt really heavy for his heart, but he knew what she wrote to him was just holding him back.

Seeing her parents like that urged Kousei to move forward with his life. She would want him to do the same thing. She wrote him that letter because she wanted him to be happy. "But it only made me regret something instead."

Without really thinking straight, Kousei looked for something that would make him remember her. He just ran through town until his lungs burned. Knowing the fact that it was definitely impossible to see her, he tried to find something that could get him as close as possible to her. He needed to at least experience her again (that probably came out wrong). But the point was he wanted to make himself believe he could relay something to her. It was a hopelessly fantastical make believe situation for him. "But who cares? There was really nothing to lose anyway."

Kousei saw the park where she tried to encourage him after he told her about his mother. He could still hear the train pass by that day as she relentlessly stomped on him after making fun of her. The thought of her realizing he liked holding her hand still made him blush. However, there was no way he had the power to summon a dead spirit from another realm like that in role playing games to make him feel the exact same feelings again.

Then, Kousei caught a glimpse of a somewhat iconic place in terms of their childhood. He did pass through it this morning without taking heed, but somehow it gave him a feeling she wanted him to at least acknowledge it. It was Doryo bridge. But they call it "dare you" bridge instead because they used to jump over its ledge when they were kids.

She jumped over it too. And Kousei followed suit. Somehow, at that very moment, he felt he would follow her to the ends of the earth. That was almost four years ago.

"Now, there's no way I'm jumping over that. It's completely frozen..", pondered Kousei as he stared at the river below. "I was only just willing to follow you to the ends of the earth. I have no plans of dying from a fall today."

Kousei finally halted after a few minutes of continuously running. His chest was about to burst. It was so ironic to feel fire burning his lungs when he was surrounded by snow covered cherry blossom trees. They did not bloom that day like how he remembered her waiting for him under them, pretending she was waiting for Watari. Nevertheless, he was again, hopelessly assuming she could be standing there somewhere. Instead, a black cat suddenly rubbed itself around his shin as he still desperately tried to catch his breath.

"I really need to start working out..", thought Kousei while helplessly trying to compose himself again. "Wait. It's a black cat. Is it a sign that she's here?"

That would be wishful thinking in its finest. There was no way she'd return from the realms beyond life. However, the tiny little creature did give him that blissful, but painful nostalgia of her being around somewhere near him. Besides music, an irresistible affinity for cats was something they both had in common, especially the black kind. Looking through the feline's eyes gave him that eerie but longing feeling she was watching him.

"I'd really like to pet you some more, but it's time for me to move forward in this useless search of mine..", said Kousei to the cat before leaving it with a faint smile. And then, he ended up in a place where they used to hang out.

The small cafe with an upright piano was the place where they first hung out together. "That was I guess, our first date..", thought Kousei. "I was just a substitute to Watari back then though, or so she said. It was a little too late for me to realize she really intended to wait for me. Thinking about that.. we were alone, and she could've just confessed she wanted to go out with me. I would've jumped at that opportunity. And yet, maybe not. Well, whatever.."

The point was it never happened. She just spent the last few days of her life leaving memories that Kousei and their friends would cherish. He understood she didn't want to make things more complicated than it already was. "And here I am going back to reality in this cafe, alone and thinking about what could've have been."

Suddenly, the piano started to resonate sounds throughout the place. Every single strand of hair on Kousei's body stood as an eerily nostalgic tune played. He slowly looked towards the piano as he shivered in fear and lost all his color. "But no, it's not her ghost."

There were children playing a very familiar but simple tune on it. They were probably in their early years in grade school. "Baa, baa, black sheep" was most likely something that they'd learn in music class. "If she's still alive, she probably would've played with them like what she did the last time we were here."

The thought of that memory when she forced Kousei to play for those children pulled him out of his seat. Before he realized it, his feet were taking him towards the piano. It wasn't that he was imagining her pulling him, but he had the feeling he wanted to do this for her sake, so he could feel at least a hint of her presence.

"That's a nice song you're playing there.. is that 'baa, baa, black sheep'?..", Kousei asked the kids to their surprise as he leaned lower to talk to them. He really tried to smile as less awkward as possible after that, so they would not get scared.

"No, it's 'twinkle, twinkle, little star'..", one of the kids, the little boy said. It was as cold as any answer could get. But thankfully, Kousei managed to not make himself look scary.

But yes, the two songs do have the same tune. Hearing the title of the latter made Kousei's heart sink. Memories of her, singing out of tune under the starry sky, flooded his head. It was one of his happiest moments with her, but remembering it got him feeling lonely.

"Onii-chan.. are you okay? Are you sad?..", the other child, the little girl, asked as if she was about to cry herself.

"Yeah.. a little bit I guess..", Kousei replied, forcing himself to smile a little to at least make the children more comfortable.

"Why? Do you not like the song..?", the little girl asked again, still looking like she was about to bawl.

"It's because the song made me remember someone from heaven.. she loved that song so much..", Kousei answered. "Okay, I'm about to cry myself..", added Kousei in his thoughts.

"But you know what could make me happy?..", Kousei asked them with a brighter smile to prevent all of them from suddenly sobbing.

"What is it, onii-san?..", both children asked. The kids slowly curled their lips into an even bigger smile as they waited for Kousei's answer.

"Let's all play 'twinkle, twinkle' as loud as we can 'til she hears us from heaven. That okay?"

They kids yelled in glee. Then, they all approached the piano. The children took turns in playing the melody while Kousei played the accompaniment in the lower octave. "She would've loved this sight. In fact, I could imagine her waving her hands like she was conducting an orchestra behind us."

Then, Kousei did it again like last time. The sound of the second variation of the song boomed throughout the small cafe. Gasps of awe from the customers could be heard in unison with the shifting keys. The children's expressions changed from pure joy to astonishment.

"Wow! Onii-san, you're so cool!..", the little boy cheered.

But Kousei wasn't merely showing off. He just intended to finish what he did not almost four years ago. "If I could recall.. I stopped in the middle of the second or third variation because I couldn't hear the notes anymore."

However, Kousei had no intention of stopping until he finished all twelve variations this time. "And why is that? Because I can hear the piano perfectly with my heart.. I can hear my music because of her. Through music.. I could connect through her. It was the only thing I could do for her until the end.. and that is my biggest regret..

"I was so stupid to think playing my piano was the only way to relay my feelings for her.. I thought it was enough. I was such a coward. I was afraid to get rejected. And what did she do? She confessed her love for me through a letter..

"There were no shortcuts and ambiguities that served as easy ways out, just plain words. It was a true and innocent confession that I did not do when she was still alive.."

Translation Notes:

Pot-au-feu - French beef stew. According to the chef Raymond Blanc, pot-au-feu is "the quintessence of French family cuisine, it is the most celebrated dish in France. It honours the tables of the rich and poor alike."

Featured Music:

Twelve Variations on "Ah vous dirai-je, Maman", K. 265/300e by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart - the original melody is not composed by Mozart himself, but an old French folk song. The twelve variations though was his composition, which he made when he was around 25 years old. The melody has been used for many children's songs like "Baa Baa Black Sheep", "Alphabet Song", and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".