Chapter 20

"The waters run deep underneath me, I'm waiting for him patiently. Confront my feelings every day, do I deserve you or am I just meant to drift away?"

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Chris always believed in love.

He would go on and on about how amazing it is, how it is commonly experienced by everyone at least once in their lifetime, yet still remains a mystery.

He would tell me that he loved me and mom more than anything else in the world, but he wanted to one day experience romantic attraction, the kind of romantic love that is portrayed in romance movies, but he was always holding something back.

I could see it, in the way his eyes would linger on men when we were grocery shopping, in the way he would shift uncomfortably when asked if he had a girlfriend.

He was gay, or at least preferred the male gender, and he was ashamed of it.

Chris would always tell me to be myself, to not be afraid of what others would think of me because he would never stop loving me. He let me be who I wanted to be, yet he was afraid to come out to anyone, not even to me, afraid of the possibility that I would be homophobic.

So I came out one day. We were in the park, Aiden and I on the swings, kicking our feet back and forth, enjoying the rise and fall as Chris lounged on a slide not far from us. Aiden and I were fifteen, and Chris was seventeen.

I knew I was gay when I started to realise my lack of attraction to females. Back then, I was still under the assumption that love was restricted to the opposing gender. I was afraid something was wrong with me and searched it up like a thirteen-year-old trying to diagnose himself on the web, and discovered sexuality.

Was I afraid, was I prepared for the disgust that might flash across their faces, did I doubt my assumption of Chris' sexuality?

I was, but I wanted Chris to know that I would never judge him for anything. Of course, Aiden came out that day as a homosexual-supporting straight boy.

Chris' eyes sparked with hope from that day, and he came out to us a month later, not that it stopped Aiden from making gay jokes.

Chris didn't live long enough to realise that mom is accepting of our sexuality.

Chris dated a boy named Tyler the day after he came out. Tyler had been his crush for a year, a model student with the perfect grades and perfect build who was kind to both me and Aiden, and would treat us as mature teenagers. Tyler Larson was the perfect son for his parents, apart from the fact that he was gay.

He was a perfect fit for Chris, and made my brother happy in ways nobody else could. Chris was glowing, even more so than he usually did. They were both in the closet, but they were so in love they were willing to come out to the world, convinced that their love would conquer any opposition.

Tyler took Chris home to meet his parents, and they were forced to break up after only a week of dating, though they were clearly so deep in love they were inseparable. They fought for their love, fought so hard to stay together they paid no attention to the wounds they had received, not until the battle finally ended and Tyler was forced to move out of the country.

Chris was heartbroken, and it had taken him over a month to gather the courage to love again, but he still got back up on his feet. I once asked him why he loved so easily when it hurt him so much, and he told me it would always be worth it.

Pain is never worth it, whether it be from heartbreak or the sharp edge of a knife across skin.

Chris didn't fall into depression until a year later, when he stopped dating after his second breakup.

Chris had taught me one thing, though. Parental consent is important when it comes to relationships.

"Relax, Nick! They'll love you!"

Aiden is bouncing on his toes in excitement and Kyle is nervous as we enter the pack house.

I am worried about meeting his parents, but I don't know why. Sure, I can see myself in a relationship with Kyle, maybe learning to love again, but Chris always told me that love isn't who you can see yourself with, it's who you can't see yourself without.

Can I see myself without Kyle?

I don't know.

Their house is big enough to fit a whole pack, and I can't help but wonder if they ever get their alone time with a family so big.

They lead me to the kitchen, where I assume Kyle's parents are waiting.

Mr. Wilson is reading the newspaper, while Mrs. Wilson is preparing lunch. I cannot help but notice how this is the perfect picture of a mundane family untouched by separation, a picture of the family I used to have.

Kyle's father is stern, the type of father who rarely shows emotion, but will not hesitate to express his pride in other ways. He has Kyle's blond hair, and striking green eyes.

Kyle's mother, on the other hand, is the exact opposite of her husband. She is warm and welcoming, her emotions an open book, the type of mother a child would run to in times of sadness. She has black hair and matching eyes, and is beautiful despite her age.

Mr. Wilson places the newspaper down on the table and Mrs. Wilson turns to look at us as we enter the kitchen.

Mrs. Wilson is the first to speak as a smile spreads across her face.

"You must be my son's mate! Aren't you a darling. What is your name, dear?"

Warm.

She is warm as she holds me to her chest, in a mother's embrace.

"Nick." I reply and she beams at me as Mr. Wilson nods in acknowledgement. Mrs. Wilson frowns at him, gesturing for him to give a proper greeting.

"It's nice to meet you, Nick." He grunts out, and I nod back, not quite sure how to reply.

Conversation has never been this difficult.

"Likewise, Mr. Wilson."

"Oh, how rude of me. Call me Kim, dear. My husband's name is John."

I nod, and it is silent again.

Aiden clears his throat and announces that he's going upstairs to take a shower, and takes off ignoring Kyle's glare at his act of abandonment.

Mr. Wilson- John, looks to Kyle.

"The pack children are playing in the backyard, go watch them until lunch is ready."

It is clear that John wants a moment alone with me, but I cannot guess the reason. Would he convey his disapproval in private, intrude on my privacy, list down his expectations?

Kyle casts an uncertain glance at me, and I shrug. It's not as if I need him with me.

So why do I feel claustrophobic here, left alone with only his parents?

Kim smiles at me approvingly, seemingly oblivious to the current tension in the room and John eyes me with an emotion I am unable to decipher, as if he knows something about me I don't.

"You are fighting the mating bond."