[17] - Little Too Late

Chapter 17

—

"Jisoo!"

"Jisoo!"

High pitched voice calls her, crying out loud.

"Why did you do that Jisoo?! Why didn't you help me?"

"Jisoo!"

- "Mom? Is that you?"

"Why did you leave me alone, Jisoo? Why didn't you move?"

- "I.. I couldn't.." With trembling and low voice, she reasons. "Why— why are you looking at me like this?

Mom!

Please.. please don't look at me like that!"

"It's all because of you!  Look at me! Look at the bruises around my neck!!"

"Jisoo.. you let me down!"

-"no.. please mom.." she cries heavily.

"You disappointed me!"

—

All of a sudden everything vanishes and ends when Jisoo snaps her eyes open and finds herself staring at the ceiling of the darkened room in the midst of the prevailing silence, trying to catch her breath, gasping. Heavy sweat running down her forehead and the sides of her face.

She stays thus staring into the void for a while, trying to regulate her heartbeat and breathing. She gathers all her remaining energy and tries to get up slowly and gradually, feeling her limbs weak and trembling.  She sits up, scootes to the edge of the bed and looks at her sleeping partner on the other bed, to check on her, and finds her sound asleep.

She sighs with relief and thanks god that Jennie's sleep is heavy and stands up. At first, she felt the floor spins around due to her sudden standing and lack of balance.

🎶▶️ Janet Suhh - In Silence

Taking a deep breath, she starts walking step by step cautiously and tiredly until she reaches the door, taking another glance at Jennie before she slowly opens the door and exits.

She heads to the bathroom in a hurry, dragging her steps with difficulty, while she still feels the heaviness of her chest and the dread that has taken over her whole body.

She goes into the bathroom, throws herself on the basin, opens the faucet, and begins to wash her face again and again, excessively, as she fills her hands with water and throws it on her face desperately. She stills for moments, leaning her forearms on the edge of the basin, and takes a deep breath looking at the water pouring from the faucet with distant gaze, then she looks at her hands that are still shaking.

Swallowing with difficulty, she closes the faucet and opens the hidden mirror storage to reveal several small pills bottles and several med kits and begins to search between the pills bottles, ignoring the fall of some of them from the cabinet until she finds the bottle she wants and takes it. 

Opening it, she tries to take out and put two pills in the other hand despite the trembling of her hands, which resulted in the fall of more than one pill into her palm.  She takes two pills and swallows them immediately, and then she closes the bottle and puts back in place quickly before letting herself collapse slowly to the bathroom tiles near the basin into a sitting position with her legs forming an inversed V, still shaking as she rests her arms on her knees, waiting for the medicine to take effect.

She stays sitting like this for a few minutes, staring at the emptiness, exhausted and spent. Feeling herself become better gradually, her heart rate began to go back to normal, and her hands trembling became very less.  She puts her hands on the floor for support, trying to get up, and get out of the bathroom.

She stands up, stills for seconds taking deep breaths, then walks out.

She goes to the refrigerator, opens it, pulls out a bottle of water and re-closes it. She opens the bottle and takes large amounts of it before walking to the dining table and sits at one of the chairs and raises the bottle after that to take another dose of water, sighing heavily.

How long has it been since she started having those nightmares? And still does.

How many years have passed?

How many times have she woken up like this?

She lost count and honestly, she no longer cares. She became accustomed. It became a regular routine for her, sometimes they were figurative and other times it was a replay of the same incident over and over again, and in all cases, she would wake up torn needing the help of the sedating pills to make it pass.

She gets up from the chair, returns the bottle to the refrigerator, and then goes to the bathroom, rearranges it, and exits, heading to her room. Opening the door relatively, letting some of the light enter the room, she finds Jennie still sleeping.

She walks steady steps and sits at the edge of the bed looking at Jennie as she buried herself in the blanket, lying on her side, ruffling the bed and hugging Nini the teddy bear.

She smiles to herself faintly, almost a non-existent smile, and lies slowly on her back on the bed.

Sometimes she forgets the nights that she doesn't have nightmares in for how few they are, because if they didn't come today, they will come tomorrow or the day after, but, ironically enough, she remembers well those few nights that Jennie slept in next to her.. she was able to know the taste of a good sleep and how she felt, despite being asleep, every minute as she sleeps peacefully.

Of course, she didn't tell anyone about her nightmares, and she won't.  She doesn't need someone to tell her that she needs help. She won't do it even if it gets worse because that is what she deserves.

This is her punishment.

🎶⏸

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Are you sure about this Jisoo? This is a serious matter, you know that."  The dean says firmly, holding a pen in his hand, sitting at one of the chairs around the table in the conference room.

- "Yes.. I checked it myself."  Jisoo answers him calmly, sitting in front of him.

"So, do you have any proof of it? We can't just take actions without any."  Says one of the men gathered.

Jisoo sighs and raises her bag while staring at the man, takes out the mini bottle in which she placed the drug and places it in front of them to see, in the center of the table.

"This."  She says as she adjusts her sitting on the chair.

- "It will be very difficult to carry out an inspection for everyone at the university."  One of them remarks.

- "But it is necessary, the required measures must be taken, because this will affect the reputation of the university as well."  Another one adds.

They keep discussing among themselves and Jisoo listenes silently, totally ignoring JinYoung presence, until the Dean cuts in.

"Jisoo, where did you get this from? How did you find out?"

- "Coincidentally.. from a student."

"Who is he? Was he the one who gave you this? We shouldn't just leave him."  Jin Young interjects firmly.

Jisoo pauses for a moment glancing at him for his sudden intervention, and then answers,

"There is no need. I already did what was necessary for him. Besides, one of his conditions for informing me was not to reveal his identity."

- "Nevertheless..the one who deals with such matters is dangerous. It is also dangerous for you."

Jin Young was speaking calmly as he pointed with his hand, looking directly at Jisoo worriedly.

Jisoo is silent again before she adds calmly;

"He's an idiot.. All idiots can do is look at me from afar."

She finishes, staring directly at him as her words holds double meaning, scattering the expression of his worried face without making it noticed by others.

.  .  .  .  .  .

At the end of the meeting, Jisoo stands next to the rest, as they carry their files and lift their things.  Jin Young was carrying his files in a hurry as he glanced every now and then at Jisoo until he saw she was done and on her way out. He speeded up, closed his bag and carried it in a hurry behind her.

"Jisoo! Wait!"  He calls as he passes through the students, fixing his gaze on Jisoo so that he won't lose her.

.  .  .  .  ..

Jennie was standing in the aisle with Lisa and Chaeyoung as she paced back and forth with her hands in the pockets of her jacket, waiting for Jisoo to finish her meeting, when she spotted Matthew coming towards them from afar, with a broad and very annoying grin on his face as he looked at her.

Jennie stops and stares at him in dismay. She walks a few steps towards him when he approaches them, away from Lisa and Chaeyoung.

"What are you doing here?!"  She asks in irritation through gritted teeth while she glares at him angrily.

Matthew just chuckles indifferently.

"If you are here, then Jisoo is here too."

Jennie furrows, looking at him quizzically, she follows in a sharp tone,

"I told you to stay away! What do you want from her?"

- "I don't remember asking for your consent about it."  He says in an amused tone and a questioning expression, looking down at her due to their height difference, placing both hands on his hips.

Jennie rolls her eyes, exhales an extremely restless breath, and then looks back at him.

"Don't you get it? Just your presence alone around us is suspicious in itself! If you were doing this on purpose, I told you.. I did not steal that money!"

- "And who said I'm here for you?"  He retorts sarcastically, looking at her with a false questioning expression.

Jennie is silent as she becomes more and more puzzled of Matthew's intentions, if not for money, then for what?

Before she answers, she sees Matthew looking behind her at a certain direction, and the features of his face have frozen for a moment before they changed into expressions of complete confusion and disapproval.

She turns around and sees Jisoo walking quickly and behind her Jin Young, her facial expression matches Matthew's as they stand side by side.

"Who is that smart ass?"  Matthew asks in a displeased tone unconsciously as he watches the man trying to stop Jisoo to talk to her.

- "Her ex-boyfriend." Jennie answers automatically, matching Matthew's tone, unaware of their current atmosphere, which has changed suddenly due to her great irritation of Jin Young presence.

"I hate him already."  Matthew confesses in a sharp tone.

- "Tell me about it."

Jennie agrees, and then they are silent for a while, slowly realizing their situation.

They both turn to each other at the same time and their facial expressions have changed into expressions of uncertainty and disgust.

.  .  .  .  .  .

"Jisoo! Please wait!"

Jin Young calls her again, and this time he manages to stop her as he steps up his pace and grabs her by the arm, walking around her to face her.

-"what do you want?"  Jisoo says after a moment of silence, loosening her arm from his hand as she looks at him with her eyebrows furrowed in distaste.

"Can we talk for a bit?"  He asks, a little out of breath.

- "There is nothing to talk about." she says in a sharp tone, then tries to cross past him, but he stops her again.

"Please..just a few minutes will do."

Jisoo pauses, looking at him thoughtfully.

"Jin Young.. move. out. Of my way."

She presses, bringing her head close to him and staring straight into his eyes with great anger, making him look at her with surrender as he understood the message that his attempts would be in vain and then she walks past him.

As she does, she spots Jennie and Matthew standing close sideways, looking at each other sharply, and at a distance from them, there are Lisa and Chaeyoung.

"Matthew? Jennie?"

Jisoo says once she approaches them, announcing her arrival, causing Matthew and Jennie to turn to her in surprise.

- "Oh, hey.." Matthew welcomes uneasily, changing his previous facial expressions.

"Hey..

Did something happen?"

She asks them, her eyes wandering between them quizzically.

"No.. nothing.." Jennie replies quickly, with an exaggerated enthusiasm, still not really looking at Jisoo, "The girls and I have just arrived and I ran into him on my way here.."

"Yeah! My bad, I didn't notice her.. I apologize." Matthew chims in with false sorrow, matching her tone.

- "It's okay." Jennie adds, looking at him and wearing a fake nice smile.

"Okaay! We have to go! see you later Matthew."

Jisoo suddenly announces, wearing her best formal smile to Matthew, as she takes Jennie's arm and pulls it with her gently, since she'd been watching their interaction together silently, which for some reason bothered her.

- "Oh.. o- okay.." Matthew mutters, confused at Jisoo's sudden behavior.

"Wait for us!" Lisa calls out, seeing Jisoo pulling Jennie with her, she follows along with Chaeyoung.

While Jisoo kept walking, she forgot that she was still holding Jennie's arm, and she didn't realize that until she felt Jennie loosening her arm from her hand and then pretending to be adjusting her jacket and talking to Lisa.

Jisoo stared at them for a while, and then looked back ahead.

Nothing has changed.

Jennie, there's definitely something going on with her.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

After changing to her casual clothes, Jisoo exits out of her room and heads to the chest of the apartment and sees Lisa and Chaeyoung sitting on the couch, busy having a heated discussion about the TV program while Jennie is in the kitchen preparing dinner.

She stands fidgeting, looking at them, then looks around and at the kitchen direction particularly, looks back at Lisa and Chaeyoung and finds it a good opportunity to talk to Jennie.

She walks a few steps towards the kitchen, stops, takes a breath and brushes her hair back, not knowing why she feels nervous and hesitant, as if she is afraid that their conversation will not go well.

She takes another breath, this time gathering her resolve in an attempt to put off her hesitation and continues her way to the kitchen.

She has to know what's wrong.

She enters the kitchen and sees Jennie standing at the counter, her back facing Jisoo, cutting vegetables.  Jisoo looks at the table in the middle of the kitchen and pulls out one of the attached chairs and swirls it at a suitable angle to meet Jennie and sits on it, drawing Jennie's attention to her presence, making her turn to her.

Jennie stares at Jisoo for a moment, taken from her sudden entry, then turns her attention back to the vegetables and continues cutting them.

Jisoo was playing with the glass of water on the table while she was preparing her talk in her head. She lets go of the glass and turnes to Jennie, sighs and begins..

"Jennie?" Calmly, in an inquiring tone.

-"Yeah?"  Jennie  matches Jisoo's tone without taking her eyes off what's in front of her.

"Can we talk for a little bit?"  She says firmly to show that she means serious talk.

Jennie's hand movement stops for a moment, then she returns to cutting, as she replies uneasily, "Sure! About what?"

Jisoo gets up from the chair and takes a few steps towards Jennie.

"I don't know.. I was hoping you would tell me. Did something happen?"

Jennie pauses again, then turns to face Jisoo and answers as she looks at her with false confusion.

"Something? Like what?"

- "I don't know Jennie, you haven't been yourself lately." Jisoo says, looking elsewhere frustratedly.

"So I was wondering, is everything all right?"  Jisoo adds, looking back at Jennie worriedly, as Jennie remains silent just staring at her blankly.

"Oh, it's nothing! You're just imagining things."

Jennie dismisses, suddenly smiling wide and turning around, giving her back to Jisoo again, "Everything is fine."

She finishes with a cheerful tone, but Jisoo is still not convinced.

"Are you sure?"  She asks as she approaches her, trying to stand beside her and hold her arm, and before she does, Jennie turns away and goes toward the stove in a hurry.

- "Of course! What else could it be?"  Jennie replies wearing a nonchalant smile, removing the lid from the pot and stirring its contents with a wooden cooking spoon.

"Did something happen that night at the club? Is there something you didn't tell me?"  Jisoo asks with genuine curiosity and in a calm tone.

Jennie's hand slows down at this as she thinks about it.

"Jisoo, really, what are you talking about?" Jennie scoffs incredulously, "Would I, like, lie to you?"

Helplessly, Jisoo turns her head to the other side as she breathes out desperately and then turns her attention back to Jennie.

"No. I didn't mean that... it's just.."

She begins as she approaches Jennie again until she becomes close to her, thinking of some way to convey what she means without directly addressing it, without disclosing her true problem as she can't just go to her and say;

'Oh.. hey, Jennie, hello.. why are you no longer sit next to me like before?  Why did you stop holding my hand? Why can't I hold it then?  Why are you avoiding these things with me and not with Lisa or Chaeyoung????'

She can't do that.. no way in hell! Her pride won't let her. 

So she tries indirectly, "Are you upset with me?  I mean, did I do something that upset you?"

Jennie stills at that and then closes the pot as she answers in an exhausted and used up tone as if she is starting to get annoyed, but Jisoo doesn't notice that because she is too busy thinking about what she will say.

"No Jisoo, I told you there was nothing wrong. Why do you keep insisting that there is?"

She finishes, moving away from the stove, going to the drawers, she starts searching for plates and pulls out some of them.

Jisoo sighs again and takes a few steps towards Jennie, still not convinced.

"It's just.. it's okay.. I mean, if I did something, you can tell me so we can talk it out together.."

Jisoo was speaking at an accelerated rate, animatedly, gesturing with her hands and her gaze wandering around, immersed in her thoughts, trying to figure out what was going on, unaware of Jennie's discomfort and hand movements as she took out the plates in irritation and sighed impatiently.

"In order not to do it again.. or it might be a misunderstanding, I don't know, maybe there is something that you forgot to mention.. maybe I acted—"

"Jisoo, stop it!" Jennie finally snaps as she drops the plates aside and turns around to face Jisoo, cutting her off, making Jisoo look at her in shock with a slightly open mouth.

"I told you there was nothing!  And you did nothing!  Will you just stop, for heaven's sake?"

She finishes with a look of annoyance on her face that last for a moment, before her expressions soften when she realizes what she just did and turns her gaze away from Jisoo, who was still staring at her in surprise.

"OK."

'It hurts.'

Jisoo answers in an emotionless tone, after remaining silent for a while and then turns around intending to walk out of the kitchen, but Jennie stops her when she grabs her by the wrist.

"Jisoo.. I.." Jennie starts looking down with regret, "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to—"

- "No. You're right.." Jisoo cuts her off in a monotone, making Jennie look up at her, "I must have been overthinking."

She says and gives her a mild smile, then turns around and leaves the kitchen, leaving Jennie standing alone with her disturbing thoughts.

Later that night and after dinner, when it was time for them to sit down to watch the movie, Jennie sat next to Jisoo a little further away from her, but still close, and Jisoo could sense Jennie's uncomfortableness from the tensed up way she sits while bringing her arms to her side and sticking her legs together as if she was in her first job interview.

Jisoo doesn't know which one is worse, Jennie avoiding her, or forcing herself to act normal with her attempts to convince Jisoo uselessly that everything is fine.

And both are painful.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Jisoo has been standing in front of the apartment door since a few minutes ago, staring at it blankly and sighing. As she changes her gaze toward the lock, she inserts the key, opens the door, and steps inside.

The apartment was quiet and most of the lights were off. The girls must have gone to sleep. She drags herself as she walks slowly and restlessly, taking heavy breaths. She takes off the coat and throws it on the sofa, and then heads to her room.

She slowly opens the door as she enters and sees Jennie asleep on her side, with the blanket reaching her shoulder. The room was dark except for the faint light of the nightstand next to her bed that lightenes it warmly a bit.

She closes the door and stands there leaning with her back against it, staring at the void silently and then directs her gaze to Jennie and stares at her.

Three days had passed.. three days passed on Jisoo as if they were three years. Every day she noticed and realized that Jennie is slipping away from her more and more.

🎶▶️ Lee Suhyun - In Your Time

For three days Jennie kept avoiding Jisoo like the plague, or rather, she was careful to avoid staying with her or standing next to her very close.

Even though Jennie was acting normal and talking to her as if nothing was happening, something really was happening! And Jisoo can't do anything about it.

She wants to convince herself that she is just overthinking it and really believes that, but it started to become difficult with every passing second and every minute.

Jennie even avoided staying with her alone and if she did stay, she keeps on mentioning Lisa and Chaeyoung and changing the subject constantly, in addition, she became attached to them, even Nayeon started hanging around with her a lot, and whenever Jisoo was coming back late to the apartment, she no longer finds her waiting for her as she used to, and for some reason Jisoo found herself meeting a lot with Matthew, as they spent their free time together, hanging out.

Every time Jisoo tried having a deep conversation with Jennie but was ignored or put off, she felt part of her heart being cut out and thrown away.

Although Lisa and Chaeyoung were their usual selves, she began to feel herself left out and rejected by them as well, as if they were in a their own circle while she was in another, far from them, only because she wasn't seeing the same attention she wants from Jennie.

She began to feel herself as though she was a deficiency, a flaw, or some kind of a germ maybe? That makes Jennie act like this.

As a result, she hadn't been in the mood to even do her job, and she doesn't know the amount of deep sighs she draws in a day, especially when a memory of Jennie flashes in her mind.

She was angry.. angry at herself first. What is this? When did she become so attached to her like this? And for what? Just because she avoids touching her hand? Just because she avoids sitting next to her? Just because she avoids looking directly into her eyes?

She knows herself is better than that!

What irks her is not the lack of skin-ship itself or the intimacy they used to have, but the possible reasons behind it.

And why is it so painful for her? It makes her chest tight and even breathing becomes hard for her. It wasn't supposed to be like this.. she wasn't supposed to be affected by such trivial things.

Yes, trivial.

So trivi— so painful.

She no longer feels like the Jisoo that she used to be, strong and collected, strong and no one can penetrate her defenses. She can't believe herself, she can't wrap her mind around how Jennie managed to get through her to this extent.

She can't believe the amount of happiness that overwhelmes her even if Jennie accidentally called her name..

Since when she became this weak?

She turns away from the door and starts walking slowly toward Jennie's bed and saunters around it until she meets Jennie and sits on the bed side, with her hands between her thighs, continuing to look at Jennie for prolonged moments, with a distant expression, as now she can see only the side of her face.

She stays still like this while tilting her head at an angle, smiling weakly to herself as she contemplates Jennie's beautiful sleeping face, and how her chest rises and falls steadily.

She lifts her right hand and directs it toward Jennie's head with an open palm until it reaches her face and begins to slowly and carefully runs her fingers over Jennie's face, tenderly pushing away a few strands off it, her fingers barely touching Jennie's skin.

This is the closest she can get these days..

She smiles sadly, contemplating her as she feels her pain floating..

Floating and overflowing from her eyes.

🎶⏸

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Matthew stops his car in front of a building and turns off the engine while looking at the front of the building, checking its surroundings. He takes the bouquet of flowers that he placed on the front seat next to him, exits the car and lockes it.

He climbs to the sidewalk and takes forward steps until he is at a short distance from the main door. He raises his gaze to the sign above the door, reads it, then lowers his gaze and enters.

He continues walking until he reaches the reception area, where one of the nurses notices him and smiles immediately.

"Mr. Park! Welcome." she says as she walks out from behind the desk and goes to greet him.

- "Hi." he greets back with a smile.

"Good thing you came. I was afraid that you would stop showing up." she adds in a sweet tone.

He smiles, chuckling sheepishly.

"Don't worry.. that won't happen."

She nods to him and then gestures to one of the hallways.

"Let's not waste any time, this way.."

She says as she starts walking, and Matthew follows.

"She keeps asking us about you,  I'm sure that she will be happy to see you." The nurse says as she continues walking down the hallway.

-"How is she?"

"She's fine, despite some difficulties that we face with her disease, she's doing well," she assures ruefully, glancing at him and smiling.

They continue to walk until they are standing in front of one of the rooms, the nurse points to it, Matthew nods to her with understanding and gratitude, and the nurse turns away from him to go back to her desk.

Matthew turns to the door, reaches for the handle, and slowly opens the door to see a middle-aged woman sitting on the chair beside the window as she stares across it.

He enters and closes the door behind him, attracting the woman's attention as she looks at him with puzzled eyes while Matthew looks at her with warm ones and smiles.

He goes to the withered flower pot placed on the nightstand beside the bed, and takes out the old flowers and puts the new ones he was carrying instead.

"I apologize for being late." He starts after positioning the flowers well,  saunters to the woman and kisses her head before he takes another chair and puts it near her and sits on it.

-"Who are you?" The woman asks calmly continuing to look at him quizzically.

"I'm Matthew, your son." He answers simply in a loving tone, his gaze filled with nostalgia. He smiles and takes her hand.

- "Liar! My son is still 16 years old and has black hair." she protests, pulling her hand away and looking at him suspiciously.

He chuckles amusedly and elaborates with a lighthearted tone,

"Well.. I grew up and dyed my hair. Doesn't it look good on me?"

- "Are you trying to deceive me? How can a person grow so fast? Also.. It looks horrible on you." She continues and turns her head to go back and stare out the window.

He laughs again and sighs when he realizes that there is no point in trying.  She won't remember him.

"Okay, you won. You're right. I'm not Matthew, but he was the one who sent me because he couldn't be here." He lies, making her turn to look at him.

- "I will show him when he comes back. How couldn't he find time to even visit his own mother?! I will teach him a lesson he won't forget!" She threatens angrily.

"Please do, I totally agree with you. I will scolds him too." He says, nodding to her affirmatively, pretending to be serious, "But.. until then, how about we talk, and have a chitchat together? Every now and then, hmm?"

She doesn't answer and only stays staring at him a little and then turns her head away again, but he can tell by her from the expressions of her face that softened upon hearing his offer, that it's already accepted.

"Well then, let me start."

He says wearing a thoughtful and distant expression,

"I met her.. I met her daughter..

and I'm afraid I'm actually falling for her."

—————————-

To be continued

—————————