Driving Me Nuts

To Kara

Hey there. I won't say who this is, but that's stupid seeing as that I don't have your address anyway. And it's not like I'm gonna send this to you anyway.

I don't know how to put this. I never thought I would turn out like this, even though I haven't come out of the closet yet. I always thought I was straight, but I guess not.

I have to be, though. Being homosexual is one thing most of society doesn't like, even though I don't give a shit about what society says. I should feel free to date whoever I like, but it's like something's holding me back, telling me that this is wrong.

It isn't, is it? Of course it isn't. Yet here's the voice in my head, telling me I'm an idiot to do this, that no one would like me.

Whom do I like, you ask? If I ever said the answer to THAT out loud, the fans would go crazy. Then all the people who draw fan-art and write fanfics about us would go to the extreme, as if they aren't doing that already.

Here's the thing, Kara. I like YOU.

Now do you see why this is so confusing? Thank god I'm not actually gonna send this to you.

I'm afraid, Kara. I'm afraid of what you'll do to me if I actually tell you. It's not like I've had feelings for you ever since we met. That would be a complete lie. It's just…hearing your voice. Your laugh. It makes me so happy. I love you, Kara. I just want us to be together.

It hurts to think that you might never love me back the way I love you, but that's okay. Stuff happens. Life isn't fair.

I close the book with a thud and recap my pen. This feels kind of creepy, as if I'm doing something indecent. I bury my face in my hands, pressing the cool metal surface of the pen against my eyelids. Whatever I wrote, that was barely enough. I started writing to try and release some of my pent-up feelings, but I feel like I've barely scratched the surface. There are so many things I want to add, and even then I don't think it'll help much.

My phone buzzes with the annoying siren sound. I heave a sigh and twist around to check it. It's probably my mom, messaging me to yell at me for one reason or the other. But it's not. It's Kara.

Kara: are you editing? i don't think you're editing.

You: I am going to, goddammit

Kara: well then, do it quickly, we're way past our upload schedule

I grumble to myself under my breath and turn to my computer. The footage of what we've recorded today is still on the screen, the video paused somewhere near four minutes in before I gave up trying to edit properly. I can't do anything without getting reminded of Kara, and it's driving me nuts. She's been occupying my thoughts 24/7 after I started thinking of her in that way.

I sit back down in my desk chair and replay the footage. The first ten minutes are just me and Kara gathering resources in the Nether and joking around. I listen with a smile to her beautiful voice and cringe at mine, like I always do when I'm editing my videos. When I catch myself skipping bits of the video just to reach timestamps where Kara speaks, I scold myself internally and resume editing.

Halfway through, I give myself a break and check Twitter. I get bombarded with notifications as usual, and I decide to check out some of them before resuming my work. Most of them are images of my avatar that people have drawn, which flatters me and cheers me up a bit. But the rest, well, they're either pictures of me and Kara together or me simping for Kara and vice versa.

I switch off my phone after looking at what seemed to be like the thousandth picture that captured something that'll most likely never happen. My mood has changed entirely, and I don't want to edit anything anymore. I'm sick of all this. I hate that I'm Kara's friend and that I ever met her. No, I don't. Kara has always been loyal, cheering me up on days I've been upset and having my back all the time. She's been such a good friend. But that's the problem. I don't want our relationship to stop at just the friend level.

I sink down into my chair, hands over my eyes. Then I'm seized by anger, so powerful and sudden that I lurch out and scream. Before I know it, my mic stand flies across the room and crashes into the opposite wall.

I take a shuddering breath. This is wrong, I tell myself. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be so unpredictable and so uncontrollable. These are words I've been telling myself since I was eleven. Words that my mother drilled into my memory. I don't like it.

I reach out for my phone. I want to talk to Kara.

My finger hovers over the call button. This won't be a good idea, will it? I might end up saying something to her that I'll regret. I hit the call button anyway.

Each ring makes me a little more uncertain. Maybe this is a bad idea. But before I can hit the end call button, Kara picks up.

'Hello?'

My body instantly relaxes. Maybe I did do the right thing by calling her.

'Hi, Kara.'

'You all right, Art? You sound a little weird.'

I clear my throat inconspicuously and straighten up in my chair. 'What do you mean?'

'Nothing, it's just���what's wrong?'

My laugh sounds fake even to me. 'What do you mean, "what's wrong?" I'm alright.'

'That's not what I meant, dummy. Why are you calling me?'

'Oh.' I stare at my PC screen, feeling like an idiot. 'No reason, actually. I just wanted to talk to you.'

Kara sighs. 'Okay, fine.'

There's a short pause filled with awkward silence. Finally, I speak up.

'Hey, Kara, do you like toes?'

There's a few seconds of silence, then Kara yells, 'WHAT?'

I burst out laughing, slapping my chair's armrest. 'Nothing,' I say in between laughs. I can sense Kara shaking her head disapprovingly.

'God, I don't even know why I'm friends with you.' She says.

'Do you?' I say, still laughing.