Existence Is Pain

Listen here, everyone. I can handle a lot of things. I swerve between infinite kindness and unforgiving pettiness entirely on a momentary whim. But one thing that I absolutely cannot let slide is the harming of my beautiful trees!

That said, these are Angels we're talking about. Now, I know Angels and Dragons and apparently Fae queens are all susceptible to drugs but I'm all tapped out right now so I got no way to beat 'em.

Still, the burning rage in my heart can't be quenched without subjecting them to inhuman tortures.

"Don't worry, " I suddenly spoke up. "I'm not going to let them get away with hurting you. Just see how I handle them."

"...Me?" She stopped. It was the first time she'd spoken since we left, which was almost an hour ago. We were almost home. "Why?" Her words were sharp and curt. " Because of these?" She held up her bruised wrists. " These are nothing." She gave a hollow chuckle. "They didn't even cause them. I'm the one who did this."

"Directly or indirectly, they're why you got bruised. I can't let that slide."

"Forget about me." The woman's tone was colored with barely contained anger. "You're the one who they…" She clenched her jaw tightly. "What's wrong with you? Why aren't you angry? Don't you understand what they did to you?"

I shrugged. "AIn't nobody got time for a breakdown." I replied. "Besides, apparently it wasn't my first time being reverse-raped. And seeing as how the prime candidate for that honor is my own mother, I'm certainly not gonna take the time to unpackage all that bullshit. Nope. I just ain't opening that can of worms, you feel me? I don't really care much anyway," I admitted. " If I had to say, the anger is at the level of minor annoyance like being bumped into or someone slapping you back a bit too hard." I rubbed my chin thoughtfully. "Actually, billions of guys would even kill to have the same happen to them. I mean you could do worse than waking up from a bad trip and finding yourself post-orgy with a harem of sexy Angels for wives. Which is basically the only other thing I'm mad about. Other than you getting hurt, and that? Eh. I'm not angry."

It would be quite hard to get me riled up through sex. Unless I was raped by a dude. That's change things, sure. Or maybe if the girl raping me was ugly. I do, after all, have standards.

But yeah, being raped by a bunch of Angel babes? Not that bad, not that bad at all. If they weren't my daughters from a past life and I wasn't already a man in a relationship it'd be a pretty good deal. 'Course I wouldn't at all want responsibility. Unless the deal was they take me up and serve me like a fucking god-king and i literally don't have to do anything but eat and fuck like a true hedonist.

And if children were off the table, since then it would just make me obligated to love the mothers of my children and that'd be the same problem there as what I had with my own Mother's plans. I can't love so many women equally, which I would feel I have to do for my kid's sake...and yeah that just isn't in me.

So if those conditions were me...no kids, no having to take financial care of the girls...no having to do much besides eating, sleeping, fucking and whatever hobby I may have at the time…and I wouldn't mind.

But I'm spoken for, and they hurt my tree!

So fuck 'em. Oh. I suppose I already. Still, ya'll get what I mean.

"Well I am." Mary quietly seethed. "I hated it."

"Really? But you don't even like me yet. Can't have been THAT traumatic given that, and since you were totally coked out of your mind."

Wrong thing to say. Really wrong.

"So what if I don't love you?" She snapped. "You don't understand at all! Can you even comprehend how humiliating it was? To be tied down and having to watch them take their turns with you? You're MY lover. Mine. And you're the only one I've ever had who didn't make me feel like I was only worth a single night, that I didn't deserve more than that. So how could you think I wouldn't hate having to see you taken advantage of? How can you think I wouldn't care? No…" She shook her head. "Before even that...How can you think something like this isn't a big deal? Why aren't you angry? Hateful? I just don't understand. Whether it's this time, or with your mother. How can you be so calm, like it's nothing serious? How can you be more concerned with a few bruises when something like that happened to you? Do you just not value yourself? Is that why you're always so reckless with everything? Because if you're really fine with having that done to you, that's the only reason I can think of."

I stared at her for a few minutes. "….Aw. You do care." I have to say, the knowledge was quite pleasing. "Huh. And you know what, you're right. That does sound really fucking shitty. Sorry, I took your feelings too lightly. Don't worry, from now on I'll take better care not to get so high I get reverse-raped by horny Angels and/or any other female besides you or Vee. I really can't let you guys wear green hats, now can I?"

There was an odd change in Mary just then. It was subtle, and quick, but I caught it the instant it appeared.

It was like she wilted just a tiny bit. Maybe because she realized she was right about the other stuff too.

"You're the most twisted person I've ever met."

"Really that's a matter of perspective, isn't it?"

"No. No, I don't think it is."

"Well that just, like, your opinion." I said cheekily. "Eh. You aren't wrong though. I don't really give a single fuck about my life, personally. I could die tomorrow and my biggest regret would be not being able to get back at those bird-brains for indirectly getting you hurt. Being perfectly honest this world would a fuck ton better off if I kicked the bucket anyway. Heh." Suck for them I'm not gonna be dyin' anytime soon.

Probably.

Know what? Nah. Imma live for centuries. Fuck death flags.

"That's…" She trailed off. "What about Dolly? Your parents?"

"Hell, I'm not even sure Dolly understands what death is? She'd probably be sad she can't see me anymore but she's still got Mother, Father, you, Baz, Vee….lots of people. Mother and Father, in turn would have each other and Dolly. Actually, it'd be nice to know they can't scheme about what I do with my life. Especially Mother. Knowing her repopulation plans goes down that drain would be SO satisfying. "

"Baz?"

"That damn cookie-whore ain't nothin' but a traitor. He'd likely be the first to piss on my grave. Then realize I'm the only one who can make his beloved cookies properly and go on an epic quest to revive me that ends with him realizing the ultimate finality of death and how much he truly loved me as not JUST his supplier, but his brother. Then years later he'd bring his children to meet their Uncle Damien and the story would fade out to the image of him shedding a single silent tear on my headstone as he agonizes over how he should've been more grateful to have me while I was alive."

I didn't even earn another hollow chuckle. Tough crowd.

"...Vee?"

"I dunno why you're asking about her. She'll definitely find another guy to give her all the happiness. Likely because I'd be visiting her next boyfriend as a spirit and putting the fear of God in him so that he won't do anything BUT make her happy. Anyone else you want to ask about? Because everyone else I know either won't be all that bent out of shape over my death, or sad they weren't the one to kill me. I don't hang out with pansies who cry over one dead dick, which leaves my enemies. And my fans, I guess. And my daughters. But Charlotte doesn't actually like me that much anyway and Evie's feelings are rooted purely in gratitude."

I can't be sure, but when I got done speaking I think it's the first time I'd ever seen Mary look sad. Like honestly sad. Or maybe pitying.

"There's something broken in you."

"I mean you could say that for everyone."

"It's not the same, " She walked on. "Not at all." Alright, fine, so it's a little different. "You think it'd be so simple and clean. That people could just move on. It wouldn't be. They couldn't, not that easily."

"The fuck? Hey, I never said it'd be easy! Gimme some credit, m'kay? But yeah they should totally be able to move on after, like, a couple months at least. It's not like there's anyone who just can't live on without me. In fact, if they couldn't then that'd be some weak shit right there. But maybe we should just stop the topic? You're obviously getting bummed out by it."

"I simply don't understand how you can think so little of yourself. Why you would think you dying would be an event that could just pass by so smoothly."

"Hey, you're the one who brought it up first. I was just being honest."

"That's what makes it so heartbreaking. People care about you. "

"Yeah, sure, some people. But like I said. They'd get over it. I'd call 'em idiots if they couldn't. Look, I just have a different perspective than you. Let's leave it at that." I got only five more steps before I sighed and said, "Look, it's just not the same, alright? Don't think I don't care about anything, or that I don't care about you guys. Because I do. The only reason I don't care about dying myself is because if I die maybe I'd be able to find everyone again. But it's different for you. If you guys die I'd never find you. So maybe it seems like I don't give a damn, but I do. Just not in the same way."

I knew she didn't understand what I meant by that. But I understood, and that's the crux of all this. I might still keep my memories a second time, it's even likely. But how would I find Dolly or Vee if they died? I care about those two alot. If they died, maybe I could let it go. If they were decent deaths, then maybe. But if someone killed them? If someone caused them to die? I would do terrible things. Unspeakable things. Just to rage, just to vent.

Someone could hold a knife to their throats and threaten to kill them. You think that given how much I say I care, that I'd do anything to stop that. Maybe freeze up. No. I'd say, "Do it." And if they were really killed the things I would do would be goddamn biblical.

I'm not an absolutely evil guy. I did care about almost accidentally killing innocent people, after all. But I'm definitely not anyone good, either. If I were to really get worked up people would stop being people.

Most days? Other than those I really care about, everyone else just barely qualifies already. Death is nothing to be afraid of. It, she, is not scary at all. In fact, she's quite pleasant. Sending people to her isn't something I particularly mind.

What's scary is losing people to her. What's scary is what comes after her: Life.

Wanna know why people forget their past lives? Because they have to. Because if they don't, many souls would forever remain in limbo just because they keep hoping to see someone who'd likely already reincarnated themselves.

Knowing you'd never be able to see your loved ones again is just so crushing to some people that they can't get over it themselves.

Luckily my past life, the one I CAN remember, was not full of epic familial or romantic love. My brothers were friendly enough, but only that. And my sister? I think she either disliked me or didn't care enough for even that.

This life? I'm just not the type of person people could ever love to that extent, and I wouldn't want them to either. Being loved "just enough" is more than enough and, frankly, much more than I deserve given my personality.

I was never told why I couldn't forget my last life. Death is a mysterious woman. But I was told I'd likely remember my next, and the next, and the next.

People are lucky they can forget. I don't have that luxury, apparently. I know everyone I know will die eventually. I know I'll never see them again after they do. That's why it will ALWAYS be much better if I die before them. At least then I could have a chance at seeing them again, even if it will inevitably not really matter in the end.

I'd be better off forgetting. Or not caring. Letting go. Fuck that shit right now. I'm only a couple lives in. Let's see how many lifetimes of losing everyone I care about it takes before I really become an apathetic asshole, eh?

Before then I'm not going to think about this stuff much and just enjoy myself.

"Now, let's go discuss potential powerups for me so I can go teach them featherheads a lesson."

"No. We're going to get you out of the realm so you don't get assaulted again."

"If I go would you and Vee come with me?"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm rooted to this world. I can't leave it. If I do, it dies."

Oh. Well. That sucks. "I'm not leaving either then. Tsk. Shame. I did kinda want to see other realms, too." Eh, maybe in another life. "I mean I know I could just go for a visit, but it wouldn't be any fun without my favorite big tree."

"Damien, please." The woman grabbed at my hand. "Just this once, be reasonable. You might not care, but I, at least, don't want to see something like that happen to you again."

"Relax. I actually just thought of a plan. It's a good one. Say, on a completely unrelated note did mother ever tell you about any livable, preferably uninhabited planets nearby? Barren is also good. Also do my Dragon brethren have any xianxia-style starships capable of holding, say, a few billion people?"

I already planted one little tree in my heart. It's about time I planted one big one.

"....You can't seriously be thinking what I think you're thinking, right?"

"Oh you best believe I am."

Everyone, don't panic...but I'm basically about to initiate an apocalyptic event for entirely selfish reasons that may or may not kill millions upon millions of people and force them to adapt to an entirely new realm possibly full of plants and animals they know nothing about.