The Apology (20)

Xu Jing scrambled for something to say when Joann came right out to ask, "Have you seen the latest episode for the Call of Joy?"

When he heard that, Xu Jing's heart chilled, he knew nothing good would come out of this. Even though he was not the person who edited the episode this way nor was he one of the online users who wrote those atrocious things online, Xu Jing was responsible for giving them the footage to create this mess. Therefore, he felt the weight of the guilt in spite of the fact that he was not directly responsible.

Before Joann accused him or even said anything, Xu Jing went on the defensive and started by pleading his innocence, "Joann, I swear I have no idea how it will turn out this way! I didn't know they will focus on the small expression that I did. I did not do this on purpose, I swear on my life!"

Xu Jing had more pledges to prove his innocence but Joann stopped him, "I know it isn't your doing, I know you're not someone like that. This is the production team's idea. It's industry practice to make drama out of something small, blowing it out of proportion."

'This doesn't sound as bad as I thought,' Xu Jing started to sigh in relief when Joann added, "But this scene did open my eyes to many things and I do have something to talk to you about."

Xu Jing could not say he liked the sound of that. The last time Joann wanted to talk about something, he found himself signing up to this television exposure and the time before that... Xu Jing still shivered thinking about that fateful day.

Things were not as bad as Xu Jing thought. Joann honestly wasn't there to blame him. Initially, she was angered and shocked when she saw the online reaction and then the episode itself. She felt betrayed but there was something about the whole thing that did not sit right with her. Joann replayed the episode and she realized what it was, she did not like the woman that she saw on screen at all. In other words, she did not like seeing the version of herself that was portrayed in this episode, this cold and unfeeling wraith of a woman.

This was something rare for Joann but she forced herself to sit back and mull over the whole thing before raising hell with the production and Xu Jing. The advice given to her by Xiu Ling and Lee Mu way before that entered her mind.

Joann started to reflect on herself.

Self-reflection is an important tool to move forward because how would you improve upon yourself if you refuse to admit the mistake that you've done? However, this is often easier said than done because it is a thousand times easier to comment on other people's mistake and misgiving compared to our own. Our eyes look outward and not inward.

In this aspect, Joann was luckier than most. She had an unique avenue that aided her tremendously in this journey of self-reflection. Unlike most other people, Joann had the chance to literally see herself on screen. This particular episode of Call of Joy held up a mirror for her to inspect herself, and she had to admit she finally saw the things that she had missed and the stuff that had been picked up by her friends like Lee Mu and Xiu Ling.

The scene of this particular episode showed Joann quite literally the power structure within her marriage. Her husband was on his knees, looking all despondent while she just turned and walked away, looking like she could not be bothered with him at all.

Admittedly, the man had done a very horrible thing but at the very least, he deserved respect as a man, as a human being. Joann never did realize how much Xu Jing humble himself within her presence. All this while, she had been too wrapped up in herself to notice the little concessions Xu Jing kept making for her. It was also of course the man's nature that he would not bring up the sacrifices that he had done for her sake.

Even though Joann promised Xiu Ling and her family that she would give this marriage thing a try, she realized she had not really put that into reality. She still held that grudge against him, which prevented her from really connecting with her husband. The whole scene in this episode was a pretty good example of that. They were still not on the same page so how would they have meaningful communication without that precondition?

Joann knew she needed to lower herself some more in the relationship and at the same time, worked to uplift her husband. In a way, she saw this as her own fault as well. When she met Xu Jing, he was not this henpecked. She remembered the line of girls waiting to be his girlfriend and how he would brush them off. It was quite hard to imagine how that cocky young man could end up as this spineless shell of a man that collapsed on his knees before national television.

If someone told Joann of this before their marriage, she definitely would not have believed it. Joann was self-aware enough to see this as her fault because it was her who slowly backed her husband into this submissive role. The man surrendered his say in the relationship little by little until he had nothing left to his name in the marriage, definitely not his pride or power.

Joann looked at this man that sweated before her and for that moment, she felt like apologizing to him, for walking into his life to ruin it.

At the end of the day, Joann knew she owe it to the man to at least give the marriage another try, after all, he had given her so much space in this relationship, she'd realize perhaps this time, she should be the one moving forward.

Joann sat down on the bed beside her man and she honestly hoped to have a real conversation with him and she started with the one question that would bring everything else to light and hopefully to rest. "Xu Jing, why did you cheat on me?"