4 chapter 3: Unforced Errors

Date: 05-01-1998

Location: Law Firm, CA

Ian Campbell was impressed with his law firm's new office, but the one thing Ian was impressed with the most was himself. One of his favorite pastimes was hitting on the firm's new female associates. You would think a smart lawyer would know better, but Ian was a sexual harassment case in a $1,000 suit. Ian had a joke he liked to play to impress the ladies: in a conference room on the 40th floor, he'd get a running start and throw himself into the window. The tempered glass would always bounce him back, but this time, it doesn't happen. Ian runs towards the window and shatters it. He falls 40 stories and dies from a shattered skull and a broken spinal cord.

Way To Die #64: Habeas Corpse

Date: 08-11-2003

Location: Yuma, AZ

Tiny and Dale are two tree removal workers clearing brush in the 110-degree heat of the Sonoran Desert. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it; they just wish it wasn't them. They get the last of the branches to the top of the hill and the last job before heading home: chipping the branches. However, the last branch gets stuck. The two are anxious to get home, sip a case of cold ones and catch a cage match back at Tiny's. Dale tries shoving the branch through with his feet, and in the process, learns the hard way: a machine made to destroy tree limbs can also destroy human limbs. Dale is sucked into the chipper, until he is reduced to nothing more than ground chuck/minced meat, much to the horror of Tiny as he gets a blood shower from his shredded remains. After the incident, Dale's pieces were all over the fence and some were on the grass.

Way To Die #288 Chippin' Dale

Date: 11-21-1993

Location: Ball Sate College, Kenosha, WI

Meet Jack and Sallie. They love having sex, just like any other college student, horny. Then all of a sudden, Jack sees something - a giant basketball. It was left there from yesterday's pep-rally, but both of them want to go in there because they can have not only sex privately, but also have fun.

It was Sallie who was the first to see the inside. It looked very cool. They decided to go in through the zipper. Soon, they were having fun. Jack's voice was so funny and both of them found out this was a great place indeed.

Unfortunately, after several minutes, they needed fresh air - the helium of the ball was getting the better of them. But disaster struck - the magic zipper was no-where to be found. Soon, they both suffocate of lack of oxygen.

"Once they locked themselves in their funhouse, it was only a matter time before their fun turned to none."

Way To Die #226: Gasketballed

Date: 09-27-1992

Location: Lubbock, TX

Meet JT. He wants to be drinking with his buddy, not doing garden work. But he would always stop drinking when he sees the sexy Trixie, his wife. Blonde hair, pink shirt and blue shorts make her look sexy, and so does her butt. Problem is, JT needs to shoot out the hornet's nest which was hiding in their garden.

JT needs to have sex with Trixie who has loved him, so he decides to get rid of the hornet's nest. A rake is the only weapon. He fails, but he lives in Texas. As they say, "If you fail, hit the gun rack". JT decides to use it. His paintball gun.

The hornet's nest comes off. Good news - the hornet nest is off, so JT can have sex with Trixie. Bad news - the hornets attack him. And even worse news - he doesn't know that he has a fatal allergy to hornet stings. He quickly goes into anaphylactic shock. Anaphylactic shock (or anaphylaxis) dilates his blood pressure and swells his airway to the throat and lungs - breathing then became impossible. Eventually, a now-widowed Trixie screams upon seeing her now deceased husband.

Way To Die #199: Me So Hornet

Date: 01-18-2007

Location: Barnegat, NJ

Meet Boris. He is a desperate man because of the economic downturn, and decides to make magic tricks as his hobby. But his well-known act was sword swallowing. He is popular and could soon become famous and rich.

Maybe two could do. He knows that it could scissor and can cause internal bleeding, but he does it anyway. It happens! He's done it! But the audiences wanted challenges. The challenge today was an old pensioner, who wanted him to be an umbrella-swallower. It's going to be a rainy day. He didn't want to do it, but he done it because of his hopes for fame.

But he hits the release button while doing it. It crushes his windpipe and is sealing Boris's fate. The pensioner cannot believe it, or anybody else. He is asphyxiated to death.

Way To Die #952: Dumbrella

Date: 01-31-2004

Loxation: Roanoke, VA

A nymphomaniac named Jennifer goes to a market to buy groceries. She notices a sexy stock boy in the vegetable section spraying the vegetables and becomes attracted to him, but cannot invite him over for sex since she had plans with her friends. Back at her pad, when she unpacks everything, she holds a carrot and thinks about the man back at the market. She is thinking about having sex with it and thinking it's a man's penis. In other words, she has the idea to use the carrot as her sex toy. Unfortunately, she peeled her carrot poorly, so a rough edge on the carrot slices her vaginal wall, and it created an air bubble inside her body. The air bubble went inside the heart, and Jennifer couldn't breathe. She dropped the carrot and died.

Way To Die #647: Killdo

Date: 07-11-1990

Location: Boone, CA

Do you remember "The Birds" from Alfred Hitchcock? Well..... this story is called "The Bird". Larry is living in the wild. The only friends he has are the small and big animals around him, except for the birds. He despises them. He terrorizes a sparrow hawk that is sitting on his lawn. He manages to get rid of the bird but it will also get rid of him. After it flies above him, it drops a load on his face which also enters his mouth. A week later he's in the Hospital because of Salmonellosis which later brings him to an end after his final moment of asking a doctor to go away, thus sending the selfish bird hater straight to the hell he deserved.

Way To Die #743: Alfred Shit-cock

alright dead heads we have reached the end of yet another horrible chapter, stay safe, stay away from sharp objects, and please...for the love of God DO NOT put your feet into a wood chipper!