Indeedv9

1. Work on spacing, and capitalizing stuff. and how you describe verbs. 2. I will give you credit, this did well in hooking my interests and had me reading onwards. I did like some of your smaller details and the quirks you had to your various characters and even the MC being silly. You do have a talent for humor in some of your jokes and overall, I think given some time you can really refine it. i think Grammarly would massively help

1. I think, you should work on replacing your (( with " instead to make smoother flowing conversations. 2. I think the dialogue could use some fine-tuning. it seems better made for image format than a book. 3. Also, work on your System itself. In truth, this system here is interesting in sheer size and how many it effect but their feels like very little mystery or aura surronding it in the works itself. Overall, I can see your potential and sparks of greater ideas in here and hope you keep working on your dreams.

I'm not just busy with the holidays and distracted by college

But that's exactly the issue thats been untouched yet. the system and its user weren't able to choose one another. both sides got stuck with a crummy pick of ((a power)) and a crummy pick of a ((host.))

dang did I drop the ball? whats your thoughts then man