The moment you left

"Are you done?" I said.

"Yes almost, let me take the papers" she said from the other side of the door.

We are already late to see the doctor. It takes half an hour from here to reach his cabin. It was alright till last week but suddenly Mom has had serious knee pain since the day before yesterday.

So here we're getting ready to visit the doctor.

"Mom, are you done now? We have an appointment in an hour." I asked again, taking my bag from the closet.

Yes, in an hour because I knew she would take at least thirty minutes to get ready. She finally comes out of her room with her reports.

"Let's go" She said, fixing her clothes for one last time.

Not much later we arrived at the clinic almost five minutes before the appointment. Thank god. It didn't take much of the time. She had a few tests to be done. Now I know why she's having such pain on her knees.

"Actually, I slipped on the bathroom floor a few days ago" She confessed finally. Gosh, how good she is at keeping things from me.

On the way back home I had the opportunity to scold her as much as I wanted. When did she start to keep secrets though?

"I'll be more careful this time" She answers with a sheepish smile.

"You must be!" I took a turn to enter a small alley.

I parked my car in front of an old building. Yes, that's where we live. It's not that fancy or well decorated but it gives a feeling of warmth.

I am Bella Hayden, a recent graduate and currently running every day to almost every single company for a suitable job I can do. This is quite tough and I can confirm that it's much harder than studying alone. Don't ask about further studies, I'm not in a mood. With everyone doing MBA as a trend and companies asking for experience in work I had no other way but to tutor small kids in the neighborhood alongside a part time job.

I'm from Mapusa, Goa, a beautiful town surrounded by palm trees and numerous viewpoints.

I and my Mom have been living in this old cottage for a long time. We have decided to move to another place, probably somewhere near the capital city or Vasco Da Gama but it is not that easy for my mom to leave this place all of a sudden.

We have had so many beautiful moments here. I have spent my entire childhood here, so leaving this house is not that satisfying for me either.

I still remember how my mother scolded me when I used to ride the bicycle in the garden even after knowing that I could fall down on the slippery ground caused by the rain. It seemed fun though. The garden is still the same after so many years. There are not many plants or climbers but it was still covered in green.

The short bushes circle around the campus. They have grown so tall now that the walls are no more visible. In fact we don't need walls anymore.

My Mom went straight to the kitchen as soon as we slid inside the house.

"Wash up first?" I said.

"Yeah but you must be hungry"

She's the one who went for a checkup and she's asking me if I was hungry!

"I will cook something once I clean up. Just go and rest for a while"

I pushed her towards her room. At first she argued a little but then she finally agreed to me.

I went back to my room to change. As I took my cell phone out of my jeans pocket it vibrated. A message popped on the screen.

'Adi: Have you sent the mail to the company? '

'Me: not yet... Will send by this evening'

He's been helping me with my job, letting me know about every post that comes up. I have not got one yet but I hope to be in an office cabin by the end of this year.

Keeping my things back in their places, I picked my towel and rushed to the washroom.

I switched on the shower to let the warm water pour gently to my skin. I hope it will wash away every memory from the past. Instead, flashbacks came across my mind making me even more miserable. Indeed, you can wash the dirt on your skin but not the memories on your mind.

After a while I came out and went straight to my desk drawer. I slide it open to see the red cover of a diary. It's been there for a long time. I got it on my fifteenth birthday I suppose. I turned the blank white pages one by one. I should have used it long ago, but it never felt to me like I should do so. After all I had my Mom to share everything with.

Maybe these recent events made me feel a little lonely. How I hoped this day should have never come. As I can't share my feelings to anyone around me feel more suffocated. Not even my mom. I don't know how she will respond or she will just tell me to move on? I have never felt this helpless even once, before.

As I grew up I made many friends from middle to high school and then at college. Well, they are still in touch with me, some because they wanted to and some because they needed to. But that is not important. They still smile at me from a distance if we accidentally make eye contact and I smile back too. It's simple right?

But there was someone whom I really appreciated as a friend and even more than that. I truly wanted to be with that person, love, care and support him in any situation possible. I wanted to do my best because I believed that we belonged together. Probably I lacked behind somewhere or I missed something. Could it be that I didn't put the amount of efforts that it needed? Maybe I couldn't understand what that person really wanted or was in need of. Maybe?

Looking at the diary there's only one thing going on in my mind. This is the last option I have to let out my inner thoughts in. Isn't it?

~~~~

Moreover, a relationship which lasted for more than two years should not have ended in that way. All we want in a relationship is happiness. It needs to be strong without any exterior support. We are the one who needs to grow it into something healthy and beautiful.

We all have some expectations from a particular relationship but the issue is if we or the other person is able to fulfill them. Sometimes things do not go the way you want. Even if I gave my best and believed it will stay as it was in the beginning, it still ended. We cannot and will never be able to predict the future, can we?

Still I am not satisfied with myself, with this ending! All those things that I did on my part, were they just for the namesake? Why do I have no explanation to what exactly happened with me? Now all I have is some mixed feelings. I feel abandoned, sorry, unhappy and maybe free as if a huge baggage is been removed from my back and yet I am unsatisfied. 

It seems like nothing happened to me as I have a smile plastered on my face every moment. I have no other way but to cover it up, for myself. But I am not fine at all.

All this mess started with that phone call. I wish I had never answered that. I regret it every time.

I still remember, my friend called me that afternoon and said she wants me to meet someone. At first I was not even sure if I should go. But then I decided to try it once.

I would not say my decision was wrong. I was happy, actually more than happy. That is why when it ended so suddenly I was broken into pieces. It has been disastrous to me.

The most tragic thing is when he sent back my things. I did not even wanted to see them again, but the urge to know if he still got something back with him, drove me towards it. I checked them and surprisingly there was not a single thing he forgot to pack me back. Did he never appreciate those things, those instants? Is it just me who has been cherishing them until this moment? Was I being a fool to believe whatever he ever said or did to me? How could he be so different now? How did things ended up this way in between us?

  ***