day 12

Thursday, 29th December, 2016

Wakefield, England, United Kingdom

5:18 am

I can't stop thinking about what happened yesterday. I have never felt so guilty, so dirty. I need to clear my mind and spend some time away from Luke.

I haven't been able to sleep since Luke and I kissed. I can't say I didn't like the kiss, because that would be lying to myself. However, even if I liked it, I feel so guilty. First of all, I'm going to be on the stand, defending him before a jury, if they found out about it they could rule that I'm not fit to defend him, I would lose all credibility, maybe even my psychology degree. And second and worst of all: Cole. I have cheated on Cole. He's been my partner for so long. All this time I've been sure he's the love of my life, and that I want to grow old with him. Share every moment of my life with him.

Nevertheless if I'm so in love with Cole… why can't I stop thinking about Luke? Why is my body burning at the thought of kissing him again? Of feeling his warm hands on my body? I see Cole sleeping peacefully, not even imagining what's going on, which only makes me feel worse.

I decide I need to take some time off. I'm going to keep the investigation ongoing. I have to look into why Laude was so quick to get to the crime scene. I have to look for Luke's medication. I'm not going to let him rot incarcerated when I know I can do something about it. However, yet again, I need a week away from him so I can clear my thoughts and keep acting rationally instead of letting myself be carried away by senseless impulses.

I get up from bed and let Cole resting in there, ignorant of the irrational thoughts that are dancing through my mind. I put on a gown over my pyjamas and put on my boots to go outside for a walk. I need some fresh air to help me get some sleep.

I leave the small cabin and I start walking through the wheat fields without a clear path. Just walking aimlessly. I try to not think about anything. I was taught how to empty my mind. It's a necessary tool in my profession, otherwise you take all your patient's problems home and they become your problems too.

Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I jump and quickly turn around. I'm not a skittish person, but someone showing up out of nowhere, in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the night, definitely gets my heart racing. When I turn around I see Laude dressed in sport for the first time. He smiles at me and takes his hand off my shoulder.

— Sorry, I keep doing this. I didn't mean to scare you.

— It's okay…

— Can't sleep?

— Yeah… it's been difficult today – I mutter, uncomfortable about the outfit I'm wearing. I didn't expect to meet anyone –. You neither?

— Yes, this job doesn't make sleeping easy.

— I can imagine.

— Truly, Malia. I've seen things you could never even imagine – his tone is so sinister that I get goosebumps –. Do you mind if I walk with you?

— No, of course…

Robert and I start walking. There is no noise apart from our feet against the bushes and weeds and the wind rocking the trees' branches. I feel uncomfortable next to him. I can feel his eyes on me all the time, as if he's expecting me to talk or do something. But I don't have anything to say. So he's the one that ends up breaking the silence.

— You shouldn't go outside dressed like that. It's cold. You could get sick.

— Oh, don't worry, this gown is pretty warm.

— You shouldn't leave this late at night anyway, Malia – he insists –. There are wild animals around that could attack you.

— I didn't really mean to go far from the cabin, to be honest – I say, realising we are nowhere near it, I can only see trees around as we have entered the dense forest.

— We are quite far…

— Yes… I've just noticed. I should go back. I need to get some sleep before I see Harris.

— It must be exhausting, isn't it? Dealing with him?

— Not really… He's seen that I really want to help him and he trusts me, so it's easy for me to make him talk about what I need him to do.

— I also trust you, Malia – he says, holding my hand. I clear my throat and take a step back.

All of the sudden, I see Laude getting closer to me. His intention is clear. I open my eyes in surprise and take some more steps back, avoiding him and his kiss. Robert looks at me carefully, waiting for an excuse.

— Uhm, sorry I… I have a boyfriend, Robert. In fact I'm engaged – I say, bringing out a little chain hanging around my neck from which a small but beautiful engagement ring.

— Engaged? Wow – he mutters –. I'm sorry, I should have known. I'm sorry about this inappropriate behaviour, Malia. I guess I was just mixing up signals.

— It's… It's okay – I whisper –. But I have to go now… If my fiancé has woken up he'd be worried.

— Oh, your fiancé is the graphologist? – he says, kind of aggressively, but he seems to calm down instantly –. Yes, of course. You should go so you don't worry him.

I nod slightly and start walking back to my cabin at quite a fast pace. I feel a bit better seeing that Laude has stayed in the woods and is not following my steps or walking closeby. That's been one of the most uncomfortable moments of my life.

When I enter the cabin, I see Cole leaning on the kitchen counter, drinking some tea. When he sees me, he walks rushedly towards me and hugs my waist. I smile and hug him back, seeing how worried he had been. It doesn't make me happy that he's worried, but it does make me happy seeing how much he cares about me.

— Chipmunk, don't leave like that. You had me worried.

— I'm so sorry. I couldn't sleep so I took a walk to get some fresh air.

— Do you want to go back to bed?

— Not really, I'm too awake now – I caress his cheek –. I'll go into town to get some groceries. There's barely any food here.

— Do you want me to go with you?

— No, don't worry, honey. You have too much work to do.

— I really don't mind.

— I know you don't. But if you come with me and lose these hours there instead of working you'll have to do it this evening and you'll have to stay awake late. I really don't mind going alone.

— Alright – he smiles and pushes my hair back before kissing my forehead –. You're an angel.

After walking around the quait city of Wakefield and going to several stores to buy enough food and supplies for at least three weeks, I go back to the prison. I walk through the wheat fields and go towards the cabin. I see smoke coming out of the chimney. I smile and knock on the door, waiting for Cole to come and open. I don't hear him getting close to the door so I knock a bit harder. And I'm met with silence.

I think he may be taking a shower, but to be sure, I walk towards the side of the cabin, to look through the living room window. And I see him. He's lying on the floor and a small puddle of blood is next to him. The window is broken and all the glass is scattered around the grass and the interior of the cabin.

— Cole! – I scream, letting the bags go – Cole!

I pull myself up from the window frame and enter through it. Then I go next to Cole and kneel beside him. I grab his wrist to take his pulse and I'm relieved to see he still has a normal one and that he's still breathing. I turn him around to get him face up. I clean a big wound in his forehead. Someone has probably hit him hard and made him pass out. Who could do something like this?

As I grab my phone to call emergency services, I hear knocking on the door. Scared, I walk and look through the peephole, seeing that it's Laude. I open the door and look at him scared. Did he do this because I rejected him?

— Malia – he exclaims, seeing the blood in my hands –. What happened? Has he been here?

— Who?

— One of the prisoners has escaped.

— What!?

— He has attacked one of the guards and has managed to get away with his uniform.

— He- he must have attacked Cole, he's unconscious.

— I'll call emergencies, you look around to see if anything is missing.

— O-okay…

I see Laude calling 999. I approach Cole again and this time clean his wound with a wet clean tea towel, seeing how deep it is. As Robert requested, I look around the cabin, and as it's quite small it doesn't take too long. Nothing is missing. Our money, laptops and Cole's phone are still there. However, when I walk to the door to ask Robert how long the ambulance will be, I can see that the keys from Cole's scooter are gone.

— Is anything missing? Ambulance is already on its way.

— The keys from Cole's scooter… he must have run away with it.

— Don't worry, Malia. Cole will be alright, okay? – he smiles and places his hands on my shoulders.

When the ambulance arrives they take Cole and I to the hospital in Wakefield, and the ER unit rushes to help him. They have to intervene because he has a cerebral haemorrhage due to the strong blow to his head. "Luckily" his life is not in danger after they perform the surgery on him. However, the doctors recommend that I move him to a hospital in London where they'll be able to take better care of him and drain the haemorrhage properly.

— Good afternoon, Malia – says Robert, walking into the hospital room –. How's Cole?

— His life isn't in danger but it's still a very serious injury. They recommended that I move him to London… I don't know what to do.

— You should do what the doctors say, Malia. You can go with him. His health is the most important thing.

— Yes… but I can't leave without telling Harris.

— I can pass a message to him if you want to.

— He won't listen to you… But if I leave a letter… He'll probably understand. I was thinking of coming back for a while anyway. This is a very difficult job.

— I can make sure he receives that letter – he smiles –. Don't worry, okay? You can still do some of your job back from London.

— Yes, I'm going to find a doctor so they can plan the move.

"Dear Luke

I'm sorry I had to leave without saying goodbye. However, I think it's best. Please don't panic, I'm not leaving your case. I have to go back to London due to an emergency, but I'm still going to be gathering evidence from there. And as soon as I come back I'll catch you up.

I hope I'll be back soon, and I hope this time alone isn't too hard on you. I am really sorry. But there's also what happened in our last session… You know it's wrong, right? It's very wrong and it can never happen again. Some time will calm things down.

I still believe you're innocent and I'm going to work my ass off to release you, Luke.

Mal"

— Please, make sure Harris receives this letter as soon as you're back. It's very important that you do – I say, folding the letter several times so he doesn't open it and read the contents of it.

— Of course, Malia. Don't worry about it. I'll keep tabs on how Cole is doing.

— Thank you, Robert.

— Always a pleasure to help.