Anxiety of Strength

I feel something hitting my hand and everything returns to black.

I hear a muffled voice in the distance but I don't care now, the only thing coming to my ears was the sound of fire burning everything and the thought I had was the image of those close to me mutilated on the floor.

I don't know if they even look like that, I only have seen the outline of their figures but still, the sight of their corpses is fresh in my mind.

I want to run, I want to go back home and see my father and Kyomi to see if they're still alive, hoping, begging that it was all a horrible nightmare

But I cannot move my body, I'm still trapped, trapped in those four white walls, dying slowly in my prison of a body, rotting away with every passing second.

I dreamt of seeing everything the world has to offer, being the freest man possible and dying without regrets, having done everything I could and more.

But I'm not free, not in the slightest.

I thought I was strong only having faced my father and some others of his samurai friends, but reality slapped me in the face showing me I didn't know anything, showing me how naive I am.

I thought I was free, not being bedridden, and having a healthy body, but that was also an illusion.

I'm not free, I'm just a wingless bird trapped in a cage.

I'm not free, I'm just a weak kid trapped in this closed country.

Why does it matter in the end, two lives but still the same outcome, why should I fight if nothing is going to change, why shoul-

"YASU!"

Two hands grip my shoulders tightly and a voice shouts out to me.

"Oden-san?" I don't understand, why is Oden here?, why would he be...Oh, I totally forgot, he was teaching me, wasn't he?

"I thought for a second I lost you there. The moment you were about to swing the sword you froze halfway through, then you started shaking uncontrollably, I tried to snap you out but it didn't work so I punched the sword out of your hands" His tone really sounds as if he is relieved, but I still don't understand it.

"What happened?" My voice comes out as less than a whisper, a little more and it could be confused with the wind.

"I told you that Enma interferes with the Armament Haki of the user" I simply nod at this, still, I can hear the sizzling of the fire at the back of my head as if it was mocking me.

"As I said, both swords were meant to complement and balance each other, one interferes with your Armament Haki while the other interferes with your Observation Haki.

Ame no Habakiri messes with your mind, the mind is something very subjective so it changes with every wielder. For me at first, I sometimes saw figures and voices that weren't there. The only way to tame the swords is to add the third part, the will...What happened to you there?"

"..." He sounds concerned for me, but I cannot bring myself to talk about what I just witnessed and experienced.

"Can we...just go back?" Again my voice comes out as the whisper of a child pleading to his parents about something.

"...Yes" He doesn't sound less concerned at all.

I hear the crunches of the leaves as Oden starts moving and I start following the sound, throughout the whole conversation we just had I haven't been able to use my Observation Haki to feel my surroundings, not even once, so I guess I'm stuck again with using my other senses to guide myself.

For now, I just follow Oden through the forest on our way back to the castle.

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"Umph!...Umph!...Umph!..."

My muscles ache after swinging the sword thousands of times repeatedly, sweat runs down my naked chest to my hakama that's pulled halfway down, only covering my waist and legs.

I don't care about the pain, I continue swinging the sword as if my life depended on it, every time my sword crashes down, I hear the sound of the sword splitting apart the air, it allows me to focus, to maintain away the sound of fire in my ears.

It's been some weeks since I held that sword but those images and that sound stays fresh in my mind, the only way I can keep that away is by training, that's what everything has been about this last weeks, training.

"Umph!...Umph!..."

I need to get stronger, I have to.

Training my swordsmanship until the sun goes down, sparing with the other servants until I can't stand up, it does not matter what I have to do if it makes me stronger.

I'm training constantly, wanting to improve with every swing, but then why is this happening?... why am I not improving!?.

It's been going on for a few days by now, before, I felt as if I was making progress with every passing day, but now, I feel as if with every step forward I'm taking one backward, and the worst thing is that I can see the finishing line right before me.

I'm one step short of reaching a new point, it's almost painful.

"UMPH!..."

With more force than usual, I do one last swing, blowing the sweat all over my body and lifting some leaves off the ground.

"Hufff Hufff" I'm panting after all those swings but I'm not done yet.

STOMP!

I hit the ground with my feet putting in most of the strength I have left for today.

The branches of the trees around me start shaking a little from the hit and it doesn't take much before leaves start falling all around me.

Inhale

I take a deep breath and try to feel all the leaves falling around me.

It's become very difficult for me to use my Observation Haki, I can't focus properly, it's all blurred, so I have to rely on my other senses more.

Exhale

Air comes out between my teeth, my heart starts pumping faster and my muscles tense to the extreme.

With great speed, almost impossible to me weeks prior, I swing my sword creating a gust of wing all around me from the force behind the cut, the leaves surrounding me, still in the air, start splitting into multiple pieces before falling to the ground.

'At last, I've made some progress'

Smiling I sheath the sword and start walking away, being done for the day, but my smile doesn't last long before I feel some leaves behind me touch the ground only having some little cuts on the sides.

My smile turns into a frown and I turn my head in the direction of the leaves.

"It's still not enough, I'm too close, I can't stop now"

With a serious expression on my face, I leave all that behind and start making my way to the castle.