Me, My Past Selves, And I

[You died]

Death was inevitable. I was aware that all things would come to an end one way or another. Regardless of what you did, life would find a way to end itself. Whether said method lied in sickness, old age or in humanity's deeply ingrained stupidity was rather unimportant. Dead was dead.

Someone was killed by a cow falling from the sky, while others gave their life due to thick thighs. Anything you can think of, chances are that some poor fella died due to that exact thing.

If not, with technological advancement and the regression of intelligence it surely would come true sooner or later either way.

I wish I had an interesting life to offer… sadly, all I could talk about was an uneventful childhood and a boring 9-5 job. My free time was spent grinding online games; guarding my virginity, like a dragon its kidnapped princess.

Before anything had truly begun, I met my maker by rather unique means. At a party, somebody wanted to have my opinion on "E10".

This dumbass here had never heard about such a thing, so I could only lower my head and ask.

What may this E10 be? Was it a controversial new drug produced by big Pharma? Maybe a sadistic loli cult, hellbent on summoning Satan by shedding the blood of nonbelievers. I could google, but that's cheating.

However, nothing prepared me for the answer.

"E10 DEEZ Nuts"

A fistful of nuts was violently shoved into my mouth, and I was forced to swallow them; much to the delight of the cheering onlookers.

Did I mention, I am highly allergic to them? Making the play on words, in a literal sense, breath-taking. A few painful minutes later I lied there in my own drool, as my throat expanded like a human version of a pufferfish.

Then I died.

The end.

Roll the credits and fade to black. At least, it should have been like that. Instead of an eternity of nothingness, I opened my eyes in a lush, green forest.

Leaves were dancing, flowers and grass gently swaying, and a soft breeze carried a fresh, woodsy fragrance. A small gravel path, lead the way towards the setting sun on the horizon. Atop it, several dead branches were waiting to be broken.

One small step and the peaceful idyll would briefly be interrupted by the distinct sound of dried wood cracking. Nothing could ever beat the satisfaction produced by childish tendencies.

My inner child told me to do it and as a responsible adult, I jumped onto one without any hesitation. No one could judge me, no one could scold me. Here in the afterlife, I was free from the shackles of morality and society's expectations.

This was true freedom.

Peace and Serenity were without a doubt pleasant, but I was never the person to sit still and enjoy the silence. Which is why I was currently humming the melody to " Stayin' alive". The Irony was not lost on me, but who cared, because the tune was all too catchy.

Prancing along the road, I wondered where it would lead me to. I had never believed in God, the Devil, Heaven or Hell. The universe was just too big, for humanity to be of importance. During my lifetime the only prayers I did were directed at my alarm clock to not fail me.

Sadly, when it mattered most, my pleas were left unanswered. My final exam was soundly overslept. Waking up refreshed was not worth the aftermath that followed.

Even at this very moment, I felt more than an urge to give my past self a severe beating. It was always fun to ponder on the what-ifs in life. Where would I be, had I been a bit more normal, and a lot less like myself?

Alas, that motherfucker was right in avoiding parties like the plague. Succumbing to nut-related hazards was not amongst my expectations when attending my first real party.

In the end, nothing could truly be changed. Time moved forward and I shall forevermore be known as the dude who died because he choked on Deez Nuts. In years to come, the story would occasionally be told and over time slowly change into either an urban legend or a hoax.

Of all things to be remembered for… how could I be at peace? Eternal Rest did not implicate people going nuts over my demise.

I wish I could forget, but my dear mind would not let me. Traversing the long gravel road did not yield all too much excitement outside of the cracking underwood. The walk got increasingly eerie the further I trod.

Though that was to be expected. The purpose of this journey was to make amends and leave your troubled past behind. To let go of your regrets and come clean with your very self. My earthly possessions were useless and of no meaning. One had to denounce the oppressive fabrics and realize the true beauty of nature.

The clothes on my current body were not required anymore. I discarded them and placed them neatly folded at the roadside. As I came to be so I shall leave as well. It felt good to do the right thing.

Now, there was something else swinging in the wind.

I had to forgive those who wronged me and had to be forgiven by my shitty family.

Yeah, that's not going to happen any time soon. On their deathbed, they would probably curse me till drawing their last, final breath.

My only chance at salvation lied in an above-average consumption of alcohol or narcotics. My beloved homie dementia or my best buddy Alzheimer could also come in clutch.

I could only hope… although said hope famously dies last.

Still, from the bottom of my heart, I wish for them to have a long and fulfilling life. At least, that was what I would have said if lying was not such a big no-no. Dishonesty in front of your creator was a great taboo.

Judging by the blood streaming to a certain area of my body, the time had come to renounce my fleshy desires. Carnal lust shall hold no power over me anymore. I shall not be bound by life's stiffness.

My proud member was saluting the sky in a vigorous fashion; steadfastly standing up high, despite all the hardships it had suffered at my hands.

It was the greatest soldier one could wish for.

In its honour, a great monument, towering even the highest heaven, needed to be erected. I would be the biggest dick if I was not grateful for its service. In times of need, it was there for me; even after I had beaten it over and over again. In the end, something beautiful came out of it.

Okay, by now the innuendo about my well-endowed penis have grown stale. Could I finally be sent down to the deepest pit of hell? I was ready; my loins were set ablaze in sheer anticipation.

Although purgatory could never burn as much as gonorrhoea- or so I have heard.

" Hello? Anyone there? A fresh, untainted soul waits for its judgement", my voice echoed through the forest, however, trees were not exactly the most talkative bunch, so no reply followed.

Just for good measure, I began to yell several obscenities to complain about the current situation. How truly civil of me. Nobody would want me to be bored to death here, right? You could not tell me that life's final test was walking forward for an unspecific amount of time.

I know, I know. In life, patience was key, a virtue, and the thing I was severely lacking. It was hard to fathom, how anyone was able to stay sane in the waiting room of a hospital. Did others not have the compulsion to beg the reaper to claim their very soul; to escape the hellish torment?

Or was it just me praying for the sweet release of death?

Certainly, there must have been like-minded people, who detested nothing more than slowly withering away in the breeding ground of pestilence otherwise known as a designated waiting area.

I'd rather shove nuts into my mouth for a second time and slowly suffocate once more. At least, that offered a slightly happier ending.

Speaking of which, right now I could kill for anything edible. Somehow, I had gotten hungry in the hereafter. I did not make any sense whatsoever, but my empty stomach did not care about logic or reason; it demanded sustenance.

The search for food began and I left the gravel road on my quest to satisfy this craving. Step by step, I ventured deeper into the sea of trees.

The surroundings changed, after being led astray by my body's wants and needs. The vegetation grew sickly, becoming more and more devoid of its initial lustre. Until there was nothing left aside from a lifeless, barren wasteland.

No traces of grass and flowers were left. No leaves shook in the wind, no gentle breeze blew through the vicinity ─just dead trees and a trail of dust-dry branches waiting to be stepped on.

And then, there was my thing which still swung around without the slightest worry in the world.

The odds of finding anything, which remotely resembled food in this type of environment were slim at best. Should I head back and become a vegetarian? If it works for cows, why not for me as well?

On second thought, cows were just too precious to not be eaten. I could never say no-to such a juicy taste. If meat was murder, then so be it. Since I was dead as can be, the rules of the living should not apply to me.

All that was left, was to find a fast-food chain. I was royally fucked… wasn't I?

It's not like food was going to magically appear out of thin air and land before my feet. Did I seriously have to yell it out, to make it clear?

"Ahem, forgive my lack of manners but I SAID, Its not like food is going to appear in front of me, that was your cue to do just that."

With a sarcasm so thick, the entity behind all of this would have no choice other than finally taking notice of me.

Surprise, surprise. After taking a few steps more, I finally found the food I had been searching for. However, it was a bit ironic that my findings were… nuts.

Quite the senseless and tasteless prank to play on someone. Was I expected to bust a nut here? Well, I would not be able to die from them again.

I grabbed a handful of nuts and shoved them into my mouth.

A few painful minutes later I lied there in my own drool, as my throat expanded like a human version of a pufferfish. As it turns out, I was still capable of dying.

[You have died permanently]

[Cause of death: Nuts]