LOOKING FOR HOPE

If you were looking for someone who never had a sweet experience, or someone who never saw what was good about life, then that has to be me. I lived my live trying to package my problems well, so no one could have a hint of what was going on with me and in my life, honestly, I’ll did say I tried. I laughed with everyone, I smiled with everyone, even though I had few friends, I was a bit insecure about them, I couldn’t even trust them to tell them what I was facing ,or maybe, it’s because they never gave me a reason to trust them or my disgusting personality couldn’t just stand up to tell them, I just had everything in my life upside down ,all beyond my control, sometimes I do wish I was like other children, who grew up among love and with a beautiful family, but mine was never like that, I spent every moment of my life regretting while I had to live if life was these tasteless and hopeless.

I mean I was nasty, shy, sharp, dull, smart at the same time ,I was like a word and it’s opposite at the same time , I was bad and was pretty good at it, but I was good at the same time, I never wanted to be looked down on, so all I could think of was to guard myself properly, each time I try to stay alone all that flows through my mind is how fast I’m changing , this wasn't the person I was, or, should I say I was a bit better than this, at least I could live like I don’t care about what was happening to me ,but allowing my problems to affect me or change my lifestyle wasn’t what I wanted , that is what depression does to you, it’s either you recover and become your normal self, or you move on with the personalities you acquired from being depressed, and that is exactly what’s happening to me.

my mom and dad had a serious issues with their relationship, and it affected me badly, I spent my whole 18 years of living, experiencing pain, living stupidly, I was a mess, I messed with people's boyfriends, husbands, I smoked, I did all I could do to make sure I wasn't seen as a weak person, I went as far as joining a mafia gang where I helped my cousin, Shelley who was the mafia leader do dirty works, more like seducing their victim, I spent most of my winter holidays with them, so its wasn’t difficult to be influenced , Shelley felt as a girl I should learn my defense ,so the gang taught me a lots of fight apart from karate, I learnt that from my dad, and it helped me.

I was carefree, nice at least, I wasn't as cold as I am. I became depressed with anger, hated myself, I blamed myself for my mom and dad's separation, because I have always thought there was a reason why she hates me, and I know for a fact that my dad loved her, he had always loved her, he was only wishing she could change, but she never did, instead she became worst. soon everyone got to know about them, they threw bad names at me saying I was like my mother, maybe I gave them reason to. most people thought I was going to be just like my mom and more annoying thing that my dad couldn't stand, he couldn’t watch me being insulted every day, so we had to leave New York for California,

I'm a Nigerian by birth, I came to America when I was 6 months and I haven't left since then, my dad is a black American while my mom came to America when she was 5 and hasn't gone back also, my dad is light-skinned while my mom was dark-skinned, and I am light chocolate skinned, blessed with full and long hair.

Before my parents separated, I faced a lot of abuses and episodes from my mom, she hits me at the slightest mistake, found joy at calling me names, she even went as far as comparing my dad to other men, but the problem was that my dad was never home he always had business trips to attend ,which made things worse me, and if he was ever at home they always end up arguing, everything was just like a nightmare, I couldn’t breathe ,so sometimes I had to lock my door and snicker out of the window to go for parties just to forget about my problems, clear my head and keep up the all is fine act, it’s always felt like it’s worked ,but it's never worked, and I never stopped. I kept on acting like I was fine, acting like I never cared until I got feed up about everything and slowly I walked into the doom of depression, no knew until my dad discovered about it, when he was given a month leave, and that was what prompted him to divorce my mom. Sometimes I feel like if I had talked to someone I will have been fine, but I didn’t.

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I kept on tossing around my bed left-right, right-left, I pulled the duvet over my head, I pulled it down and rest on my back staring at the ceiling, feeling so restless, I just couldn’t explain why sleep won't visit me this time, I kept on thinking and imagining so many things but instead, it made me more awake. dad looked up for schools in these place, and he came in contact with one. the counselor was a good therapist and her husband was the dean of the school which made it a little easier, he figured the counselor would be of good help to me, and now I need to sleep, so I won't be late

I tried to pull myself out of my thought but to no avail, I sighed and rubbed my palm all over face, I stretched my hands forward to get my phone, so I could check the time,

“12:45, wow “I signed, I'm was so anxious about my new school, after serial thoughts flowed into my mind I finally slept off.

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I felt the sun rays harshly shining on my face with my alarm screaming so loud

“ Uhhhh” groan in frustration with my eyes still closed

I opened my eye and stared at my alarm clock for seconds deliberately on if I should break it or not

“Thanks, dude,” I say sounding sarcastic, I stretched my body on the bed and tossed around for a minute before getting up from the bed, I walked to my half-length mirror, and laugh at my sight

“well if I'm not looking like a mess every morning I wonder what else I would be looking like”, I muttered under my breath

well I guess today is not going to be different from every day except I got a new school to attend, I stared at my black hair in horror

“ such a mess " I groan, and pick my new towel from my wardrobe and hurriedly rushed inside my bathroom, turned the shower on, and had my bath quickly, I came out and check the time 8:45

damn it I'm going to be late,

I quickly rushed into a pair of red Adidas crop top and a pair of three-quarter high waist black Jean and red sandals, God I pray I don't go late on my first day as a senior in high school

“Nyinna!”, breakfast is ready, come downstairs now, or we are going to be late, you don't want people looking at you, you know how freaked out you get “my dad called out from downstairs,

“I'm coming, dad!!,” I said, picked up my bag from my reading table and left my room and rushed downstairs, I could perceive the aroma of the pancake from the stairs “hmmmmm smells good dad,” I say as I picked my pancake from the kitchen counter and placed it on the dining table, pour syrup on it, and sipped my coffee

“Of course, my cooking skills never seem to end, " my dad said showing his set of teeth as winked at me, I laughed.

After my breakfast, dad and I packed at the school gate, normally Hurricane high school starts at 9:30 and closes by 5:00 which is pretty nice to me, I love my sleep, unlike schools that start by 8:00 like my former school Westbrook high school.

“Honey, get down, make sure you get your schedule for your classes and your locker I know it's pretty hard but you going to try it's the first step to overcoming this, I'm sorry it's my fault,” my dad said and kissed me on my forehead, he stills blames himself

I roll my eyes “dad seriously, we are not going down that memory lane right now, I'm fine I got this trust me, there is nothing to overcome, I have been getting better for the past four months, I can talk like a normal human being okay, gross!!!, you make it feels like I'm a psycho " I say and slam my forehead with my palm feeling disappointed

“Sorry sweetie " my dad signed, I kissed his forehead and bid him goodbye, I opened the car door and left, the school was a beautiful school, with so many students

I made my way toward the administrative block, as I was going, many people turned and looked at me, I was a new student, so I expect to get those kinds of reactions, but it was just too much I couldn't stand it, I groan in frustration,

After a while it felt like no one was watching me, and people kept on moving to a direction, which I guess is the hallway, I turned and walked towards the direction where people gathered, I stop and couldn't help but laugh so hard at what I just saw

“What the hell!”.