LETTING GO

When I was a little girl all I ever wanted was to feel like I'm on top of the world, or at least to feel like I was.

Walking down the sidewalk in my coat, with an umbrella above my head, the soft sound of the drizzle hitting the top of the umbrella travels to my ears.

With a soft smile on my face, I look up at the night sky, with the moon and stars shining oh, so bright, on this cool November night, I reminisce the last year and let out a soft laugh as I remember how, overdramatic, childish and clueless I was, in regards to life; in a way I still am, but I've learned and grown a lot from where I was before.

With a deep sigh I remember this saying; "If you love something let it go, and if it's meant to be yours, it will find its way back to you". If you had told me this earlier this year I most likely would have laughed in your face, now, I probably still, laugh in your face.

As I closed my eyes the events of the last year enter my mind in flashes; images of myself on the floor quietly crying with mascara running down my face; to me looking down on a busy hallway with a heartbroken look on my face; to me hitting a car with a sledgehammer; to me taking a deep dive over a cliff, walking through tall red double doors breathing a breath of relief with my face beaming happiness; to now.

As I take in the beauty of the night sky in front of me, a soft smile grew upon my face, I think to myself; In the last year I have lost so much, somethings things that I've thought to be a staple in my life is now a distant memory. It hurt at first, but then I remember all that I've gained, the friendships, relationships formed and gained, the lessons learned, the opportunities I got, the overall way my life has changed in the last ten months, I suddenly feel like I'm halfway to the top of the world. And I look forward to experiencing the rest of this amazing journey that is life.

This vast change happened exactly ten months ago right after New Years', to this day I can remember everything that happened just like it yesterday.

Ten Months Ago

It was the day after New Years', and my family and I were at my friend Mikeal's house for dinner. Mikeal and my parents' have been friends since high school, and by default Mikeal and I were friends since forever.

"Ellie" I heard my mother called.

"Yeah?" I answered

"Can you go upstairs and call Mikeal down, dinner is about to be served?" she asked.

"Sure" I answered.

And as cliche, as it sounds, I have had a crush on Mikeal for as long as I can remember. With a nervous tremble in my hands, I make my way up the stairs, stopping at his door I calm my trembling hands and raised my hand, and knocked on his door.

"Knock, Knock, Hey, dinner is about to be served, they are calling you downstairs," I told him as I open his door and casually made my way into his room.

Mikeal looks up from his phone with a blank look on his face and said;

"Ok, I'll be down in a sec".

Making my way towards him I asked, "Oh, can I borrow your phone to take some pictures, you know your phone takes better pictures than mine."

Before he can answer his dad called out from downstairs, "Mikeal! can you come to help me with something?"

With a groan, he grumpily made his way downstairs all while handing me his phone. Taking a seat on his bed I started snapping selfies on his phone.

"Ding!" chimed his phone, it was an incoming text from his friend Abigail, I know what you're going to say that's an invasion of privacy, I wasn't going to look at but what grabbed my attention was the mention of my name.

With a frown and a sudden feeling of dread, I opened the chat, and what I read broke my heart and shocked me to my core.

Multiple text messages between the two, all along with the same subject, me, and it wasn't anything nice either.

I sink to the floor as a sob threatened to burst through my chest, as I silently cry I go through as many messages as I can and my heart breaks a little more every time. And I think to myself how come I didn't notice it before or even how someone can be so mean.

Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, I quickly dropped the phone on the bed, wiped my eyes, calmed my racing heart, and mustered up the fakest smile that I can, turned around, and faced him just as he opened the door.

"Hey, done taking pictures?" he inquired.

"Oh, I didn't take any more pictures anymore" I answered.

"I'm not feeling too well, so I think I'm going to go home" I continued, as I made my way out his bedroom door.

I quickly made my way to the dining hall and informed my parents that I wasn't feeling too well and that I was going home and called an Uber to take me home.

I don't even remember getting inside the Uber, I just, can't feel anything. I thanked the driver and made my way through the front door. Making my way to the kitchen, towards the refrigerator, I grabbed a bucket of Ice-Cream with a big spoon.

I felt like I was on autopilot, I made my way to my bedroom, changed into my pajamas, and powered up my laptop, and had a Nicholas Sparks Marathon all while eating out of my bucket of Ice-Cream. When I reached the end of the first movie I watched "The Best of Me", I finally let the tears that were threatening to fall; rain down into my bucket of Ice-Cream. As continued my marathon well into the night, all while crying into my Ice-Cream.