labyrinth

My world is a mapped out labyrinth. A seemingly impossible quest to find anything in the latter. Something so simple for others, but to me an unobtainable thing.

Serenity, the one thing I yearn for since I can remember.

Right in the centre of all the chaos and destruction, I dare to say, was brought upon me by my beloved ones.

In a world as dark and cunning as mine one would think to take the first opportunity and get away from it all. All the anger and desires burning one from the inside and starting anew.

Well my situation is a bit more complex for me to just run away and never look back.

'Oh how wonderful that would have been to leave my life behind for a new beginning.' Some things are just not meant for some people.

To be strapped down and limited by one's own body is punishment enough for all the sins one does commit throughout life – how long or short it might be.

It is quite interesting how my story had begun even before my time. A life beyond all boundaries some might say.

•●•

December 18th, 1999

The rain poured down mercilessly as I exited the art exhibition hall, but what do one expect from the weather here in New York.

They call it the city of dreams, but what mostly all forget to mention is the bad weather. The cold chilling weather. December here has no mercy even if I'll kneel down and pray for it to have some warmth towards a skinny woman out here for once in a while.

While my mental complaining about the bad weather New York possess went on, I made my way to my car. It was parked in the parking area just across the building where the art exhibition was held.

To ran over a road in New York at such an hour and with the condition the weather has accustomed would be suicidal, but this street was seemingly calm and a pedestrian crossing was conveniently infront of me.

Like the good and cautious pedestrian I am, I look first left then right and then left again before making my way over the road using the pedestrian crossing.

As the rain carried on soaking my clothes awfully wet I seemed to be near the middle of the road.

Distracted by my thoughts and crossing the road I didn't notice a set of bright headlights approaching me at a very high speed.

When I tried to get out of the way my heels made me slip on the wet road and I fell and collided with the car and the tarred road was at the same time.

I heard people see their lives flash before their eyes while exchanging the temporary with the eternity.

Let me tell you it never felt more true then at this very moment.

Forcing my eyes open with the bit of energy I have left, while the most awful pain I have ever felt rage through my being, feeling awfully similar to when a thousand horses tap dance on one's soul, my eyes adjust to the environment and I see a white BMW speeding away from the scene.

After that my eyes began to droop shut. The fear of being left out to die slowly crept into my thoughts. The mixture of cold, excruciating pain and fear was finally enough for the darkness to swallow me like a midnight snack.

•●•

February 27th, 2000

A strange rhythmic beeping sound makes its way into my ears. Making the darkness I have been drowning in slip away.

I can comprehend a thought again. How I missed talking to myself in my mind so much.

Wait a second, weren't I supposed to be playing harp with the angles by now or playing barbecue with the fire of hell?

Or wait, am I in an in-between world?

"Doctor, quickly. She is regaining brain activity!", I hear a really pitchy voice call out with a tone that sounds near to a mixture of surprise and excitement.

Quick footsteps can be heard from nearby. A door clicked open and many footsteps fell around the bed I lay on.

"How miraculous. I have never experienced something like this in my lifetime as a doctor.", says a male voice – who I assume is the doctor the earlier female voice has called upon – with astonishment evident in his tone.

"Quickly call mr. Stepanov. He would be overjoyed with this wonderful news regarding his fiancé.", the doctor orders.

"Yes doctor, I'll be sure to inform him instantly.", the pitchy voice of the previous female, whom I think is a nurse, says.

"Paisley and when you are informing mr. Stepanov with this information, please ask him to come visit as soon as possible. Miss Costello needs to be taken for an MRI scan and therefore we need the signature of a family member.", the doctor finishes off.

While laying there seeming unconscious to the world, I hear the ruffling and flipping of pages and paper. The doctor is probably paging through my file.

How I wish to have the strength to open my eyes, but they feel so heavy that I can't even manage to open them even for a fragment of a millimetres.

While several moments have passed by since doctors and nurses have been entering and leaving my room, I finally hear the voice I have been longing to hear since I've been able to use my nervous system again.

The deep, smooth yet soothing voice of him, the voice belonging to my love, the peanutbutter to my jelly, Noah Seyit Stepanov.

'My fiancé.', still feels so unreal to say it or rather think about it.

"Doctor, I came as soon as I could. The corporate world is truly a hectic workspace when it's nearing the end of the book year.", he says.

Oh how I've missed this man. His charms and most importantly his warm hugs and comforting scent of citrus and oak.

"It's good that you're here now mr. Stepanov. We need your signature for the MRI scan. It will help us to determine how much of her brain function Miss Costello has back.", the doctor informs him.

Not long after I can hear the scribbling of a pen. Noah is probably signing the permission slip.

"Doctor, before you wheel her away, can you answer just one question I have?", he asks in his smooth tone.

His voice still has the same calming effect it has on me since the first day I met him.

That morning when our fate was sealed I was in such a rush to work. Not to mention I was late and my boss at the time had an important meeting with investors. If I were to be late and mess up the pitch I've prepared, my job would be down the drain and out the gutter.

The importance of the contract that needed to be signed by the other party was resting heavily on my shoulders. To be honest I was an entire mess.

In the wild dash I was moving in to make it to the meeting caused me to bump into Noah. He caught me as I stumbled to the ground.

That day he didn't only catch me, but he saved me from myself. He talked to me, asked me for my name. I stared up into his eyes and as my name, 'Isabella', rolled off my tongue my soul went with it.

From there everything just felt right. He is my everything and even if I were to die that night, the only thing I would regret would be the fact that I never told him that he made my life complete, that there is nothing more that would make me sad in the least. I would have rested peacefully knowing that I've met my forever.

"Well then you may proceed.", the doctor edged Noah on to proceed in questioning him.

I can only think of how Noah pulls his stance more impressively, putting a hand in his coat pocket, closing his eyes for a fragment of time, then releasing his breath and finally speaking.

That's what he always does when he is going to ask something important.

"Do you think she is aware of what we do and say?"The emotion behind this question can be heard. The thickness in his voice pulls on my heart strings in ways that just want me to hug him tight and never let go.

"Well that is what we are going to try and determine through doing the MRI scan. We want to see which parts of her brain is working again.", the doctor conclude.

Short after I feel my bed moving.

•●•

"Doctor, how is our daughter doing now? Noah here has informed us with the news of her reviving the vegetative state she has been in these past months. He said that her brain is beginning to regain activity.", I hear my father's voice. The thick Italian accent.

His mother was French, my grandmother, but his father was a full blood Italian, my grandfather. I always envied him for growing up in the countryside of Italy. He used to tell me about the beautiful landscapes and promised to take me to his birth place after I've married.

I guess he put the ultimatum of marriage in the package just to ensure that I actually find a man and tie the knot soon. He always said that he worries about me.

Some of it I can understand, I am his only daughter and not to mention how all over the place I am.

Before Noah he probably lost all hope of getting me hitched ever and therefore declared that he'll take me to the countryside in Italy on my 25th birthday.

I'm still so young and my father already doubts in getting me married, 22 is still such a young age. I honestly don't know if I should be offended or not.

This must have hit him pretty hard, him and mom. He wanted to share with me that special place at the right time. I honestly hope that I'll recover, because I don't want dad to feel regret about never taking me.

"She is doing quite well under all circumstances. Quite the fighter you have in her.", the doctor said happily.

"That's lovely to hear from the doctor. Me and Vincent here were worried sick that we have lost her to eternity forever. This news, of her recovery, is truly such a great joy for us.", I hear my mother, Alice, say in her voice sweeter than honeycomb. I can hear the relief in her tone.

"Mr. Stepanov earlier asked whether Miss Costello could hear what was being said. To me that would be unlikely according to the brainscan, because there are still parts of the cerebrum that I still have in an inhibitory condition.", the doctor explains.

'Oh how I wish to be free and able to use my body again.' Not that I'm not thankful for being able to think again, but I would just be nice to comfort them and let them know that I'm okay and recovering.

•●•

March 1st, 2000

After another day with a bunch of doctors and nurses faffing around me I made myself ready to take a 'slumber'.

Before I could shut my thoughts off I heard the door open. The footsteps make their way over to my bed.

When the person reached me, the mysterious person took my hand into his and kissed the back of it.

I instantly knew who it was.

Noah.

"I love you so much Isabella. There is so much I still wanted to experience with you my love. That night I was so terrified when I heard the news. They said that your condition was extremely critical and that you may not make it through the operation.", the pain in his voice made my heart feel a sharp pain buzzing in it.

"All I could think of was the things I still needed to share with you, but most importantly the rest of my life with you. When Dr. Lennon announced that we may possibly never have a child of our own –", as the words leave his mouth my heart rate starts speeding up.

The monitor, watching my every beat, gets loader and starts beeping at an awfully fast tempo. I can feel my tears rolling down my cheeks and like that my eyes start to open.

Harsh light reflects into my cornea, making me shut my eyes as quickly as they open.

While I try to reopen my eyes, I hear the doctor and nurses make their way to me. Noah seems to be panicking along with the people trying to control my condition. I felt a small prick on my arm and everything felt hazy as a long dark slumber befall me.

•●•

As I regain consciousness again, I can hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor.

The atmosphere feels calm around me as I start to retry and open my eyes. I decide on taking it slower this time, letting my eyes get used to the light – bit by bit.

After several moments my eyes are finally wide open. Taking in the clear white wall, TV hanging on the wall, machines that kept me alive for God knows how long and finally the man I have been longing to see since I closed my eyes that night.

Noah.

He is sitting right next to me, head leaning down on my bed fast asleep while holding on to my hand that seems to have lost all its colour.

With the strength I've been building up since my mind started working again I give his hand a light squeeze. I don't know how I managed it to be hard enough to wake him, but I'm glad it was.

His dark blue irises I've longed to stare into seems to have lost its shine while I was away. The long nights full of stress is evident in the dark circles dangling under his under eye.

"Hi.", I managed to say in a low soft raspy voice. Only then I realise the immense thirst I'm feeling.

"Am I dreaming Bella or are you finally back with me?", Noah asks in a tone so low only I could hear the words he spoke.

Still too weak to form many words I just gave him the best small smile I could muster.

"I missed you so much my love, but I have to inform the doctor now about you being awake.", he says before I could manage to ask for the water.

After a few moments Noah returns with a middle-aged man probably in his late forties.

"Hello Miss Costello. I am Dr. Lennon. I've been treating you the past two months and two weeks. You have entered a vegetative state three days after your operation. We thought that you would never wake up again and have agreed to shut off the machines in your first year of relying on them. To our surprise and answer to your family and friends prayers you have regained back brain function and your consciousness. ", Dr. Lennon says. To be honest all this information still sounds so surreal, but there is something that weighs down heavily on my chest.

My mom was the only one that knew about my little secret back then and now. I was going to tell Noah about it, but in a special and memorable way and now I'm in doubt if my secret is still in my possession.

With a deep inhale I pull myself together.

"Water, please.", I ask in a raspy soft voice.

"Ofcourse, your throat must be as dry as the Sahara Desert.", Dr. Lennon poured me a glass of water from the jug situated on my bedside table.

He helped me by holding the glass as I gulped down the water. It burned my dry throat, but the thirst beat the burning sensation I was feeling.

As I composed myself I gathered the courage and asked the question that would either relieve me or break me down in an infinite amount of tiny pieces.

"Doctor, did my baby make it?", I ask, my eyes glued to Noah. His pupils dilated when hearing these words leave my mouth.

He was not a man for many expressions. Hard and stone faced to many, but I can read his eyes and the pain twirling in his dark sea coloured irises gave me the answer that I know will keep me broken for eternity.

"I'm sorry, but your baby must have died instantly at the impact of the car and the collision with the tar road.", Dr. Lennon clarifies my readings in Noah's eyes.

"You were pregnant Isabella and you didn't tell me?", Noah questions brokenly.

"I was going to tell you the next day. I planned everything, I even made you a special book to break the news to you.", I say with tears streaming down my cheeks.

In split seconds I find his comforting arms around me. He held me so tight, that it felt like he would be able to keep me whole.

The promise he made to me by this hug meant the world to me.

With this hug he promised without words nor conditions to keep me whole forever. Through thick and thin, that was the one thing that kept me going.