13 PERSPECTIVE

Ally didn't think it was a big deal to be late. Several factors can contribute to having irregular periods. Needless to say, a sexually active person would certainly assume they're pregnant.

"Um... you're probably just stress or a change in routine can cause that," Ally explained with hopes to ease Lexi's worry.

"I already missed the last one and now we're heading into a new month."

"Have you taken a test to clear your doubts?"

Lexi sighed heavily and muttered, "Not yet."

"What are you going to do if you are pregnant?"

"I don't want to have a baby."

Ally was perplexed, "Oh." They were noiseless as the worms wriggling in the earth and only the sounds were the chirpings of the crickets and hooting of the owl, but the silence was much more deafening than those.

Ally stopped the swing and glanced at her briefly, "Umm...Why not?"

"Because...because," Lexi stuttered with tears well up in the corner of her eyes, "I can't give it my all."

Ally did not understand Lexi's response since it was clear that she adores children. She saw how Lexi looked after Lucas when they arrived here. 'Perhaps there is a deeper meaning to her words,' She mused. She jumped up from the swing and walked over to Lexi and rubbed her back tenderly, "First thing you're just late and it does not necessarily imply that you are pregnant."

"I know, but I'm never late," Lexi sobbed.

"It's okay Lexi, I think you should ascertain the results and then you can make a decision, instead of worrying before confirmation."

As a young mom, Ally knew the challenges of motherhood. She was a single mother and having to put her life on hold for the little human was difficult. Having no experience is even more of an ordeal, and not being mentally prepared is the biggest hurdle. Motherhood is equally fulfilling and terrifying. She thought it would be different for Lexi because at least she had a companion to pull half the weight and it's a bonus that her fiance is madly in love with her.

"I bought a kit, will you help me read the result?" Lexi pleaded.

Ally's mouth opened wide and then closed, "Umm...Sorry, I'm gobsmacked." She thought Lexi would want to do this with her partner like most affectionate couples do. She added, "Are you sure?"

Lexi nodded. Ally said, "Okay, let's go."

She opened her unbandaged palm for Lexi to hold it. They walked into the house, fingers laced together. Damian stopped them and asked Ally about the car, but she didn't know how to reply to him.

"She chose the cheapest one," Lexi answered for her.

"Okay. I will get the car seat installed early in the morning."

"Thank you," Ally said, and the two continued up the stairs.

In Lexi's room, Ally noticed it was like hers with a few more personal items, like pictures of her and Toby on the walls, and one included a watercolor painting of him alone. The room was painted light grey with navy blue blinds. The bedding and pillows are a mixture of mustard, white, and navy blue. The corner shelf was filled with cameras and lenses. On the balcony, a stool stood in front of an easel with a half-finished painting.

Lexi walked to the closet and then to the bathroom. Meanwhile, Ally sat on the storage ottoman waiting for her signal.

"Ally, you can come in now," Lexi shouted.

"Okay."

Ally got up and saw her cousin sitting on the toilet, knickers to her ankle. She turned her head sideways and her cheeks pinked. Lexi placed the cap on the stick and handed it to her. She placed the test on the sink counter and waited.

Lexi pulled up her underwear and pulled down her dress. She washed her hands by the sink and sat on the rim of the bathtub. She bit her thumbnail and shook her legs. 'If it's positive, I don't know what to do or how to feel. Toby would be ecstatic, and this would give him a reason to bring up marriage again. But I'm not the picture of health, and I don't t want to love this child half-heartedly. And if it's negative...' Lexi mused. She trembled and felt discomfort in her stomach when she thought of that. Of course, she would love to be a mother. Every woman would prefer to know they could bear a child, and she was no exception.

The wait was excruciating for Lexi. This was like opening a gift, tape by severed tape, without knowing if it would be pleasant or unpleasant, but overwhelming either way. She didn't know which she was expecting and was full of conflicting emotions.

"It's time," Ally said.

Lexi straightened up and let a deep puff, "Is it positive or negative?"

"It's positive."

Lexi looked at her imploringly, eyes brimming with tears. She was uncertain of her feelings at this moment. She felt relieved and anxious altogether. The tears trickled down her cheeks uncontrollably and Ally pulled her up into a hug.

Ally steered her to the bed and urged her to lie down carefully. She picked up the glass of water and gave her a drink. Lexi sipped the water and handed it back to her. 

Ally sighed, "You need to relax. Stress is not good for you nor the baby."

Lexi nodded and wiped her tears, but it wouldn't stop falling. She clung to her pillow and sobbed uncontrollably. She always thought she was strong. Throughout her years battling cancer she faced it head-on like a warrior fighting against her enemy, each time a stronger opponent approached, she conquered over them and never got emotional. Now here she was crying like an ocean. This moment was bittersweet, happiness and sadness colliding creating a 'happy-sad.'

Ally did not know how to comfort her. She remembered once when she was bullied in school and locked herself in her room and cried her eyes out for hours until her father got home. All of her loneliness and stress disappeared when he sang to her. She found comfort, not in the sound of his voice but the words of the song. She held Lexi's hand and started to sing softly.

"You're broken down and tired

Of living life on a merry go round

And you can't find the fighter

But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out

And move mountains"

Ally sang with a smile on her face and her voice was soothing like honey.  This is the song that came to her mind at that moment. It's proven that music is our universal language. We dance to it, cry to it, celebrate with it, relax to it and make love to it. It speaks what cannot be expressed with us in some way or the other.

"For you

For you

For you

For you

All we need, all we need is hope

And for that, we have each other

And for that, we have each other

And we will rise

We will rise…."

Lexi stopped crying before the song ended and Ally felt relieved. She only sang for Lucas since her last concert and now, Lexi. It's safe to say that Alexis has grown on her in that short span.

"Tomorrow you should make an appointment with the hospital to see how far into the pregnancy you are and ensure everything is hunky-dory."

Lexi nodded. She felt so grateful to have Ally here. She was like the sister she longed for. Although Alexander was a good listener, there was a limit to their conversation.

"Can I ask you a question?" Ally hesitated.

"Hm…"

"Um...You said 'you can't give it your all.' What do you mean by that?"

"I'm not healthy enough. I had cancer a few years ago and I had two relapses. In my last surgery, the doctor said he got the entire tumor, and I was cured. Yet, I'm still on medications to prevent the cells from generating." She sniffed, "I'm not scared of dying, but I'm most terrified of leaving the people who love me behind overwhelmed with grief. I particularly don't want to leave Toby to grieve for me with the added burden. I know he is going to be devastated and it's going to be heartbreaking leaving him."

After a long pause, she stammered, "I...I knew it was going to be.. hard leaving with a child is involved. I may seem... selfish, but I'm not brave enough to love for a moment."

Everything started to add up in Ally's mind. The pictures of Lexi with the headscarf, the carved messages on the tree trunk, and the remark she made earlier. She seemed so healthy and she had said that she's cured, so why is she being downcast? She used to be similar to her and possibly still has the same traits lingering in the depths waiting to explode at any time. But watching her cousin wallow in her past misfortune, she felt the need to give her two cents, "I'm sorry to hear that you've been through all of that."

Lexi smiled tremulously and wiped her tears. Her smile was like a downturned crescent moon, melancholic.

She squeezed her hands and added, "I'm glad that you are well now. I can't begin to imagine the courage and staying power it took you in your battle. You said you are not brave, but I can see that you're much more. I only truly hope you give yourself and this baby a chance. This baby will change your perspective on life in ways you cannot imagine. You said you're afraid of leaving Toby to lament, but at least he will have this baby to hold on to, it's an indication that you're here and not just a memory of you. At least you will leave a trace of you in him or her. That's how I feel about Lucas. You should look ahead and give them all the love even if your time is limited. Everyone's time is limited on this earth and some don't even get to say their goodbyes, so please cherish your time together no matter what."

Tears welled up again in Lexi's eyes and she nodded her head vigorously. Ally's words touched her to the core and she thanked her profusely. She knew everything her cousin said was the truth, she knew her cousin also had past misfortunes and she was talking from her experiences. No one can heal or overcome their past misfortunes completely but they learn to live with it or move on and it appears Ally did. 

Ally left the room, but soon came back with a glass of warm milk and Lexi drank it in one gulp. Ally tucked her in and stroked her hair, "Sleep now, think tomorrow. Goodnight."

Lexi felt a great sense of relief bathed her and she fell asleep shortly.

*******

Meanwhile…..

At The Bush Haven Villa No. 3, Toby was looking out of the French windows with his cellphone in one hand and a glass of red wine in the other. His brows pulled together and his eyes squinted, it was clear he was distressed. The room was pitch black and the only lights on was that from his cellphone and moonlight. 

The last message he got from Madison was in the morning, "I need some alone time. I will call when my mind is clear. Don't worry."

He tried to call her immediately after he received that message but she turned off her phone. He called every hour and sometimes every half hour to check if her phone was turned on. He was as anxious as a mother whose amniotic sac broke. He concluded that something happened. The last time she asked for alone time was before her last surgery. 

"Is her cancer back?" He speculated. He got nervous at the idea and threw that horrible thought out the window. 

He continued to stare outside french windows deep in thought and felt helpless. He was triggered to drive up to her house but he knew her temper all too well. All he could do was wait for her to contact him but it doesn't mean that he wouldn't find out how she was doing.

He unlocked his phone and messaged Alexander, "How is Alexis doing today? Don't ask what happened because I don't know. I just wish to know if she is okay."

He waited patiently for a response and it came after 15 minutes, "She's fine. She went to bed early."

Toby let out a heavy sigh and replied, "Thanks."

He was still worried about his beloved Alexis but just had to wait it out. He gulped the wine and headed into the shower. He changed into a navy blue silk pajama and flung his body onto the bed with a deep sigh.

He had to go to school in the morning and prepare for the new term starting the following week, but no sleep came. He tossed and turned on the bed trying to find a comfortable position. He glanced at the bedside clock and saw it was a little past midnight. He lay sideways and stared out the window at the moonlight shining in and the wave of apprehension still surged through him. 

He felt emotional and a tear escaped. It trickled down the side of his face and soaked into the pillow. He blinked and sniffed away the sorrow. He can be dispassionate when dealing with difficult students, he can be detached when executing business transactions, yet he was always impassioned with Lexi. Love makes people vulnerable to their partner, but Toby has no regrets about loving his woman. She was his present and future.