Most Holy Divine Message

"HELLO? IS THIS THING ON? ...OH IT'S STILL SET TO MOSES MODE... HOLD ON..." The blaring intercom in Jack's mind screamed out before falling silent again. At this point, Jack had gone through so many batshit events in the last 20 minutes that he almost appreciated a literal voice of reason in his head. Even if it needed to turn the volume down. If he was going insane, at least he wasn't doing it alone, right?

After a few seconds it started up again, this time at a tolerable volume. "Alright, that's better. Sorry, had to go 'big' back when I was giving 'divine intervention' down to your dumb monkey ancestors. But I think we are clearly past that. Hello, I'm 'God'."

The voice paused, as if awaiting some sort of reaction. Jack also waited patiently. Some airplane or missile had nearly flattened his home less than a minute ago, so he wasn't surprised that he was meeting God. Even if God described themselves sarcastically. After a brief moment the voice in his mind started up once more.

"Hah, some of you had great reactions to that... And some of you were exceptionally boring. But that's the way it is. By the by, I won't be able to respond to any of that as this is a mass broadcast. None of you are special enough to get a one-on-one."

... "Soooooo... I guess that I should get into the meat of why I'm 'calling' so to speak. You fucking idiot toddlers were about to blow yourselves all to hell. AGAIN. DO YOU KNOW- Do you know how many worlds I've watched die at this point? Do you have any IDEA how rare life is in any goddamn universe, and how long it takes for it grow to the point where a civilization develops?? Some of you smug assholes think you do, but you frame everything in the cosmic-fucking-speck of time in which your pea-brained existence lasts. So no. You don't know. But I do. I've watched it so many times I'VE lost count. Millennia upon millennia to get a decent civilization?? BOOM! Some FUCKING ASSHAT with a quark bomb BLOWS IT ALL UP! Or, you kill all the food. Or, you make a new super-plague. Or you cook the damn planet. Or, as in your case, you start on all the last three, but you can't get past your territorial ape bullshit and kill your world- WHICH I WORKED FUCKING HARD ON- with shitty, low-tier, GARBAGE MISSILES!! Nuclear was phase fucking 12 of 146 and you sat on it until you SHAT THE FUCKING BED!! YOU TODDLER BITCH FUCKS... Fucking... Aaaah... ...One sec..."

After the approximate span of a few breaths (Jack had flashbacks to his recent experience at the kitchen table) the voice began anew with a more even tone. "...Anyway, as you can tell, I'm livid. But mostly bored and exhausted at this point. So this time, I'm ending the world MY way, and you gangly monkey fuckers are coming along for the ride."

"As you may have noticed, those of you still alive are not atomized nor experiencing a global nuclear winter. You're welcome! However, all interventions must have an equivalent cost. So, all of your political leaders and 99% of the population have been turned into good ol' fashioned zombies! Well. Old fashioned for now. We'll get into that in a bit. Generally, congratulations once again to you lucky winners of the deciding raffle! You get to be human and alive for a bit longer!"

There was another brief pause, maybe as the entity again gauged the reaction of it's audience. However, it then continued in a resigned tone. "So to reiterate, because I can tell quite a few of you aren't keeping up, y'all fucked up and it's the apocalypse. You lose, game over, take your ball and drift into the void. But I think I'VE earned enough vacation eons to have some fun, so we're going to play my game, for once, before you do. You survive for as long as you can against lots of zombies. And, again, because there must be balance, you even get a few benefits out of killing 'em!"

"One of the few things that your waste-of-time species made of any value were video games. Pretty cool for your level of society. Shame it was all you spent your time on, but I digress. You kill enough zombies, you level up, you invest the resulting stat points, and maybe eventually you have the equivalent of those superpowers you're all so horny for. And who knows? Maybe you can even save your planet... to fuck it up in a new and unique way later."

Once more a brief pause. Jack had taken a seat on the ground to focus on absorbing information while remaining below eye level from the window. "Buuuuutt, probably not, gauging from what I've seen from you all so far. Particularly given that these zombies will grow more numerous and powerful over time. The unmodified virus subsumed the planet I got it from after all, starting from a single infection."

"Anyway, yadda yadda. What else... Interact with your stats and what-not through the window that pops up when you focus on the related concept. I gave you a whole status screen and basic notifications too... You're welcome... Hmm... Oh. And if you truly want to last in this new hell of mine, get you some achievements. As of now, this world exists for me to have some entertainment before moving on. So if you do something worth watching I'll give you a little extra juice to keep you around longer. Hate me if you want. Curse me if you want. But make it interesting. In fact, based on each of your actions so far I'll give you one now. As a taste of what that can do for you. Good luck, numb nuts."

"Be seeing you.~~" And with that the voice faded in a way that made you unsure if it was truly gone. In its place a new orange rectangle, or notification as 'God' had named it, appeared in the same space relative to Jack.

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*Achievement Granted! 'Bird-Brain' +.1 stat point!*

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..."Why did I get something like this?"

As Jack questioned his achievement title, the notification altered itself to include new text:

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*Description: 'When this started, you ran around like a chicken with your head cut off. Then calmed down when you found a roost to hide in. But when you heard the actual voice of God, you sat around like a clucking hen. Are you that domesticated? Anyway, moderately interesting so moderate reward. You handled those stairs like a CHAMP.*

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Well that explained it. The notification, and most everything the being had said, had clearly been phrased to piss him off. But it was right. He did feel a lot calmer now. There was an explanation for nearly everything that had happened to him up to this point. The worst aspect of all of it had been how... random it had been. Looking at his source of panic... maybe he was pretty domesticated. He had a feeling he'd have to work on that.

Jack swiped his hand through the new notification, watching as it dispersed. He then leaned back to stare at the ceiling and compose his thoughts. This was... a numbingly awful situation, and he had a lot to process in a very short time. But at least he wasn't dead or dying from radiation. 'God' was an asshole. But thinking through everything it had said, Jack honestly couldn't find anything he could outright blame it for. His species had been ending the world, and that being had technically saved tens of millions of people, including himself. Sort of. So after a few minutes, to relieve any sense of debt, Jack spoke his thoughts while staring at the plaster above him.

"I don't think I'm going to say this again for a long time, but thanks."

He then began to crawl out of his bedroom, keeping below the window's line of sight. For all this drama, there were still things outside he didn't want to notice him. Not yet, at least.